The Smug Asexual

Snark. Shenanigans. Dubious media consumption.

[cutiepuppi-deactivated20220625]

when you love your friend so much but they live far away from you

[bienenalster]

@thesmugasexual

[thesmugasexual]

@bienenalster

[anosci]

this is probably the best scene in any foreign movie I’ve ever seen and I want to share it

[bienenalster]

what the fuck is this from

also, not convinced the American on the phone isn’t @thesmugasexual using a voice modifier to disguise herself

[thesmugasexual]

Aw, thanks @bienenalster. I’ll see if I can find a way to slip this greeting into a phone conversation at work in order to live up to my reputation for expertise, helpfulness, and an aggressively generic name.

[reddiemercury]

[glitchygalaxy]

“let me hide the body”

[kleinoede]

If that isn’t motherly love what is

[bienenalster]

@thesmugasexual try this with your mom

[thesmugasexual]

@bienenalster: Here is my mother’s 3-part response, which she delivered in gifs:

[pastelgrenades-deactivated20170]

making your friend watch a horrible movie that you have already seen

[bienenalster]

@paxpinnae @thesmugasexual

[thesmugasexual]

@bienenalster, did you mean “friendship means no one gets left behind or forgotten -- or spared”?

[thesmugasexual]

Blanket fort hyperbole

Me, hanging out with @bienenalster and @paxpinnae tomorrow:

[youngmanandoldsoul-deactivated2]

“Killed 99 bears”

a fact that if actually accomplished, should be put on a tombstone.

[thesanityclause]

My favorite part is “We hope he has gone to rest.” What, like… they weren’t sure? Maybe, if ever the bear uprising should start again, he would rise from the ground to finish what he started and slay that 100th bear? Was this man so powerful they are concerned he might not have decided to rest at all and is simply biding his time?

[superkeaton-deactivated20181005]

The bears made that tombstone.

A warning, and a prayer.

That he really, truely stays down.

[theidledrifter]

This is too badass not to reblog.

[lilinternetwarrior]

#i had 99 problems and they were all bears so i fucking killed them

[bacon-baby-deactivated20140223]

Reblog for last comment

[thesmugasexual]

@rayemars: Life goals.

[jackymedan]

[bienenalster]

@thesmugasexual, kittens reaching for the moon.

[thesmugasexual]

Even better than two gibbons at teaching us to never let confusion stop a search for truth.

[thesmugasexual]

Our New Year’s Eve gathering received some very Night Vale fortunes to kick off 2014.

[thesmugasexual]

It feels like a good year to reblog this. With one small addition.

[nadstagram]

This is my most favourite thing Jeff Winger has ever said tbh

[paxpinnae]

@thesmugasexual: Are you secretly Jeff Winger?

[thesmugasexual]

Well, @paxpinnae, my height IS @bienenalster‘s working theory about what attracts total strangers to me.

(Though, I like to think I’ve been more responsible than Jeff has with the people who come to shelter beneath my lengthy shadow.)

[devilduck]

[bienenalster]

I don’t ever want to be stabbed but if I am I hope my friends do basically this. @paxpinnae @rayemars @thesmugasexual

[thesmugasexual]

@bienenalster: I’m hurt by how little faith you seem to have in my crafting abilities. There would be a lovingly trolling masterwork based on the location and severity of your wounds, the amount of time you spent in recovery, and how much collaboration @paxpinnae, @rayemars, and I were able to coordinate.

[lasmaracuyas]

[thesmugasexual]

bienenalster: From my soul morsels to yours.

[giffingcartoons]

[bienenalster]

Oh, look, it’s my future with paxpinnae and thesmugasexual.

[thesmugasexual]

Except, if paxpinnae and I are supposed to be Dipper in this situation, I’m not sure how that parallel works given that we would never be ashamed of attempting to raise the dead– much less at succeeding in doing so. That is obviously when we high five and pull out the whiteboards for phase three and you make us snacks for the all nighter.

[bienenalster]

He feels shame for not only for having raised the dead but also for having let down his sister. It is possible that you two would feel at least some tiny twinge of shame for disappointing me. Also, why am I hopping to and making snacks? I don’t… OK fine. I do have some mini-loaves of zucchini bread in my oven at this moment and plan to give one to Pax. BUT NEVERTHELESS.

[thesmugasexual]

1.) I am unclear how raising the dead would disappoint you, especially given that you have stated on multiple occasions that, if any of your comrades were corpse-raisers, it would be paxpinnae and myself. Wouldn’t we just be obligingly fulfilling your expectations despite our clear preference for robots and alternative energy?

2.) You would be making snacks because you like to contribute but don’t want to overload the generators with your eye rolls during a critical moment.

[giffingcartoons]

[bienenalster]

Oh, look, it’s my future with paxpinnae and thesmugasexual.

[thesmugasexual]

Except, if paxpinnae and I are supposed to be Dipper in this situation, I’m not sure how that parallel works given that we would never be ashamed of attempting to raise the dead-- much less at succeeding in doing so. That is obviously when we high five and pull out the whiteboards for phase three and you make us snacks for the all nighter.

[cameronwhimsy]

why tall friends are great

they are towering fortresses good for taking shelter from sun, rain, and vicious birds

excellent hiding spot

they provide a path in crowds so we small ones can get through

can use as large pillows 10/10 would recommend

drawbacks

what do their faces look like

they’re always looking around like ‘SHIT where did my small friend go did i lose them’ worry not tall friend i am down here

?????

hugs are very boob

[bienenalster]

thesmugasexual

[thesmugasexual]

The fact that I just don’t notice things like this in my daily life is the reason I spent portions of The Man From U.N.C.L.E. resisting the urge to take out my phone and look up how tall the various actors are.

“How tall is ‘freakishly’ tall, exactly?” I wondered. “Is this what people see when they see me standing next to bienenalster​, paxpinnae​, or edmondia​? How do I never notice this apparently obvious height discrepancy?”

(In raw numbers I would be the Henry Cavill in this scenario, after adjusting for the vanity height inch on IMDB. Proportionately, though, I may indeed be the Armie Hammer.)

[exit152]

do you ever wonder which one of your close but platonic friendships the Internet would over interpret and eventually create a ship from if you were famous?

[thesmugasexual]

bienenalster:

Hell if my fandom were big enough I know what the fucking ship war would be

I would like to know more, bienenalster. And please describe both your fanbase and the most frequent types of kinks and AUs within your fanworks.

[thesmugasexual]

The love and joy you spread to the world can't be contained by heteropatriarchy.

travytravtrav

[thesmugasexual]

Troll Without A Cause, Part 2

thesmugasexual: Nothing can take itself so seriously that Channing Tatum cannot undermine it. thesmugasexual: I've seen The Eagle. bienenalster: .... I need some popcorn now, Pax. paxpinnae: AWWW HEELLLLLLL NOOOOO bienenalster: Chin hands. paxpinnae: I KNOW YOU ARE NOT TALKING SMACK ABOUT THE EAGLE thesmugasexual: Why would I? It's a goddamn delight. thesmugasexual: Just not necessarily in the way it was intended to be. paxpinnae: Okay, agreed on that front. paxpinnae: Though Channing Tatum and Jamie Bell apparently knew EXACTLY  what they were doing. thesmugasexual: Oh, I totally believe it. That's the joy of Channing Tatum movies: He knows. paxpinnae: He knows, and he caters to things in exactly the right way. thesmugasexual: Exactly. paxpinnae: Okay. And there was peace in the land. bienenalster: Noooo bienenalster: I got a shit stirring bitmoji all ready and you guys already fizzled out. bienenalster: I thought there was going to be more of a conflagration....

Important questions:

bienenalster​, exactly what level of violence were you hoping for?

 paxpinnae​, how concerned do you think we should be about Biene's thirst for chatroom gladiatorial games?