Allow me to go off into a tangent, as a birthday treat. I'm writing this as I wait for your recommended burger to arrive.
I still struggle with the grieving process, because I don't think I'm doing it "properly." And somehow, this only racks up guilt from me.
But I know everyone grieves in different ways. And that's okay. I guess what really bothers me is whether the quantity and quality of my grief is commensurate enough to reflect the depth (or shallowness?) of our friendship. Is there a direct correlation between those two things? I think the common notion is yes, but I would rather believe otherwise. Because I can also grieve for a total stranger, and you were definitely not a stranger to me. Also because I don't think grief is measurable. This grief, especially. I cannot put a pin on it. It is bothersome.
Ever since you have left this plane of existence, your memory sometimes would pop up at random intervals. I would be driving, then I remember you. I would be eating, and I would remember you. I would be at work, and I would remember you. I would at home, and I would remember you. Don't worry, this happens occasionally. I'm just bothered because I feel like I have spent more time with this memory version of you than your physical version in the last 5 years. Maybe this is the measurable version of my grief idk. Or guilt. Idk.
Another thing - sometimes this grief transforms into anger. Don't worry, I'm not angry at you. Well, slightly. It's not your fault. I don't think I'm angry with myself. Sometimes, I am, slightly. But I don't think I have any fault either. It's just the circumstances. You'd understand. Your memory version understands, at least. I just wish that from your end, you could've waited a day, and from my end, I could've done...something, anything. But lol thanks for the letter. These negative feelings do stave them off, even though you also said in the letter you have no idea why you were writing anyway.
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Speaking of, as per your letter, yeah it sucks how undignified and uncomfortable death (or the process of dying?) can de. I understand why and how you wanted to skip all that, because like you (as you pointed out), I have also witnessed this. I don't have any rebuttal to this concept at all. You can also say the same for living, if you think about it.
I just personally think there's so much more this universe has had to offer, but you were not interested in that anymore, maybe because you were already satisfied with what you had and you could not give any more fucks to explore anything else outside with what you currently know. That was the conclusion you came up for yourself. I don't think it's your fault for thinking this way.
It's just that I still believe that just as the universe expands into an infinite nothing, it also expands to an infinite number of ways to present itself into something more meaningful and satisfying than what your current self can suggest. Does that make sense? And like you said in the letter, "there are many things in this world (or the world from our POV) that I can/will bend to the force of my perception." And the statement above is what I will the universe to be. There's always something better and something to look forward to that's enough to keep me company until death arrives. I have plenty of time to be dead anyway someday. I will continue to nurture the things I love and will proceed to look for more. It just upsets me that I think I am on the other side of your conclusion (that I have to actively fight against, maybe).
However, this does not really solve the problem of (the process of?) death being ridiculously ugly and paralyzing and uncomfortable and undignified. I also believe that death should feel like a graduation of sorts. Because of this, I have also decided to approach this problem in a manner different from yours. And given that I am currently in a privileged position of being a doctor, I think I have an idea how I can navigate through this problem. It's still in the works, but I think I will turn this into a life's mission of sorts. Don't worry, this is not your fault also.
Anyway, I just needed to air all of this out. I don't know who to tell all these thoughts to, and I'm not interested yet in sharing these to people I personally know hahaha but here it is in blog form so I don't forget. Thanks for visiting(?) me in a dream one time, where we both laughed at your tombstone, maybe because we both know it doesn't exist. Also, thanks for calling me your most low-maintenance friend. Also, I'm sorry if I still find you annoying, even at a different plane of existence hahaha. See you whenever!
