One of the inevitable feelings that tends to arise for me as the year finishes up is excitement. This past year has been exciting (and challenging) indeed and I could not be more thankful for my experiences. As 2020 draws near I feel my typical excitement and I cannot help and notice a pang of uncertainty. This is the start of a new decade, and for me, the start of my 30s. A lot has changed in the last 10 years and I wonder what will be my defining moments of my 30s. If I am being honest, the impetus for this reflection today is the slow decline in health in my dogs. Sadly, they are getting older and having obvious health concerns. To spare folks from the details, they certainly will not make it 10 more years and this realization slapped me in the face hard last night. But that is life, and while all dogs go to heaven they do not get to grace us with their presence for long. And the end of their lives quite frankly makes me sad as hell. I try to follow the Buddhist way of living a life with little attachments but I am a sensitive being and letting go of those I love is not my strong suit. While all good things must come to an end (insert whatever other cliché seems to fit here), this decade represents new and different, exciting and exasperating. I anticipate much growth within me, my marriage, my career, my family back home, and my life. I have goals and plans and have traveled far (literally and figuratively) in the last 10 years and yet… uncertainty. And maybe even a tiny amount of dread as I step back and look at the picture in broader detail. The realist in me recognizes that this next decade will likely be filled with positive yet sprinkled with even more challenges. Mix that with a fast clicking brain that has a tendency to over analyze and here it brings me. To a pang of uncertainty. What makes me smirk right now as I type this, is I am fairly masterful at mindfulness and I teach this concept to my own patients. And just like I always tell my patients… I could benefit from a heaping spoonful of self-grace when I am less than masterful. Being less than masterful is not easy for me as a type A over-achiever who does not like to be wrong and wants to excel in all areas of life. It is hard to put into words the way I function and feel and how those two things co-exist and impact each other. I recently had an interesting conversation with my husband that was enlightening in regards to how people on the outside might perceive how I at least function. We were discussing how ‘weird’ engineers and psychologists are and I asked him, “what about me is weird?” And without missing a beat he says to me, “you are never a day late and a dollar short like most people.” I froze, chuckled, and felt all at once flattered and even a bit of embarrassment and shame. That is quite the feedback coming from your own husband. Is this what people think of me? How could I really live up to such a standard when in reality I am (quite) flawed? While I am not aiming to turn this piece of writing into a first-world-problems free association journal entry, I think this was a realization my way of being contributes to the way that I work, perceive, and feel… for better or for worse. Bringing me back to uncertainty in this moment. Why is that feeling such a hard one for me? I am not 100% sure (I have some theories). One thing I am certain of is this… no matter what happens, good and bad, I will be okay. In grad school we called that trusting the process, which I learned to embrace as I matured and learned to let things go a little easier. Hold things a little lighter. This has also been a helpful mindset in my career as being flexible in the military is a must in order to retain sanity and a semblance of inner peace. As we transition to the 20s I am feeling uncertain but that is okay. I am also feeling excited, hopeful, and curious. This decade brings for me a little more self-grace and a little more wisdom and that I am certain.
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