So if y'all know me, y'all be knowing my mental climate, its not the best, at least not right now it isnt.
I'm at an impasse caught between crossroads that extend, beyond the regular 3d visual and clichè "crossroad".
It's more of reaching the dendrites of a neuron and having to choose which specific synapse to travel across.
Basically, I'm a dumbass, now I know what you're gonna a say, no you aren't blah blah blah. But consider this.
In the world of humans and social interaction and its evolution to shrinking the world in terms of connectivity and accessibility, we tend to get caught up in the endless spiel or drivel that you have to be readily accessible at all times regardless of who you are and what you do.
I agree with that to an extent, some instances it really is the difference in life or death, so say from the view of medical professionals, asking for help, giving the location of a patient that needs urgent or emergency aid, it's basically paramount now to have it integrated right? Right.
I'm tired, I'm exhausted, I'm in no where emotionally or mentally able to extend myself more than my mind and after basically running that damned event I lost more of my sanity than I thought, I'm finally starting to put the pieces of my mind together and it's like I'm being bombarded with colossal meteors.
As to who or what is rolling out these mental near death blows doesn't negate the fact that I'm not able to deal with it well.
I've gone softer than I was.
I was more resilient than this, I had a heart of glazed glass but now it seems as though life wants to reenter this seemingly inanimate organ.
Why must my heart bleed? The only things that come from my empathy and feelings end up being painful. No one truly knows how to deal with someone with empathy well at least none that I've truly met.
But I try to understand how people won't be able to tell who you are or how your mental state is or how you actually on social media look doesn't reflect the mental load that's on your plate.
We are across screens communicating (mostly) via written words. It's obvious you dont see the panic ridden near corpse of a body that reels out those abysmal hysterical jokes, or the Voldemort under the bench at kings cross station appearance of my heart.
You dont know the human you are dealing with. You dont know how deeply they feel. You dont know who they really are and how they are fighting tooth and nail to stand up for themselves and be strong when all it feels like is a façade to them.
Standing up for myself?- selfishness
Wanting to heal myself (a task that I do all the time because I'm not gonna waste anyone's time)- selfish
Building confidence in myself when I dont know what it feels like- an impossible attempt at grasping the void caught betwixt stars
Loving myself- okay I'm failing at this because I am disgusting etc etc body dysmorphia periodt.
The other things I'm working on deal with anxiety, PTSD etc etc etc thanks for coming to the Ted talk periodt take 2.
No one or maybe very few in this modern age, would truly understand what it is liketo be raised to be a people pleaser, to sacrifice who you are, burn your very essence, your core, lose your path in life to help someone then when it's time for you to finally try to heal yourself. It's as if you are going to a kingdom you called home to find ruins, no familiarity no way or know how of what to fix or where to start from. You just stand there paralyzed with warm piss running down your legs cause you are afraid of what you see or rather, dont see anymore.
The people that say they care, developing attachment to them.
"Having to deal with such strong emotions that the smallest feeling of care from someone feels as though they are the only one rooting for you, you begin to idolize them, to need them, to crave them to become dependent on them."- as per the draft of this here post.
One day out of the goddamn blue,
Its night, no twilight, no stars, no moon, no foothold nothing.
It hits. No warning, no flag in the distance heralding its return.
It's a guest I've entertained for decades. Depression.
This time she bought gifts,
- lack of feeling joy in what would normally bring joy to my life such as art or music or anything creative tbh
-apathy, self explanatory but when it hits no one is truly able to understand how deep it cuts the ties that you hold, it takes away more than just the superficial and deep emotions, it takes away your reasoning as to why those emotions were there or if those emotions were even real.
-sui ideation. Self explanatory again but it's never been this strong and I've never had to hold myself back as much as I've had to do these past weeks.
-low mood, if y'all thought my final finals and that thing that happened then had me at my lowest, you would be right, but getting significantly close to that again....it was exhausting having to deal with it.
-low energy and moving slower than before
-change in appetite, from binging to starving myself
Then imagine while having these wonderful events occurring having to take a look at yourself from an outside perspective and seeing what it's doing to them, the people that say they care or have feelings for you.
To feel like you are wasting their life, too feel that whatever you shared is nothing but a farce because no one can truly care for a disaster. Hurricane skinned and magma filled veins.
You see, it doesn't matter what anyone says over the Internet it's hard to ascertain how much someone really means what they intend to say. Communication extends beyond words and people often times tend to forget that.
You can say that you care or that you had feelings, but there was no way to show it.
There is no real reassurance.
What could be better than sinking without dragging others down with you.
My closest friends have suspected something is up, the feel the change in the air as well.
It's like we are all prepping for it.
The urge is there, the pros of it far outweighs the cons.
It's better if everyone that says they care leave.
Its always easy to lose the memory of the shape of smoke.
Tl;dr this human has pretty much tied up most if not all loose ends.
Those that care will move on to others, it's the way of life and I harbor no I'll will. I only want the best for everyone always.
Those that dont care, I also want the best for you maybe even more so, because I know your feelings are genuine and never had to second guess it.
To the fam, twas lit, like an atomic bomb.
Let's all be real here no one will miss me.
My fight isnt over, I'm still struggling to survive, as to why I'm even bothering idek anymore.
