Interruptions to the Regular Programming

Because sometimes, everything does not run smoothly as scheduled.

[thesuperwallflower]

Losing the “fun” in non-refundable

Montane Mansion, 1028 King's Rd, Quarry Bay, Hong Kong (Google Images)

In December 2018, before leaving the Philippines after a three-week vacation, I pinky swore to my mom that I would take her on a trip to a country where a visa is not a requirement, and a week’s worth of expenses can be covered by a month’s worth of my salary. We decided Hong Kong was the perfect country.

The planning begins.

I start paying for some tickets, encounter some miscalculations along the way, and end up realizing I need more time to make sure the itinerary is perfectly covered by my available, albeit meager, resources. Thus, upon discussing this with my mother, taking her usual, automated, passive “ikaw na ang bahala, anak” response into consideration, what could have been a fun trip to Hongkong over the 10-day Golden Week in April turns into a summer getaway in August, just in time for Obon.

I’m excited beyond comprehension. I would leave on the 8th, arrive at midnight, wake up in the morning, walk along the avenue of stars, check out their famous street art, visit as many night markets as I could and take as many photos with the camera I just bought. In the next few days, I would meet my family at the airport, head to Oceanpark, go to Sky100 to marvel at the cityscapes, get on a cable car to Ngong Ping Village, take the ferry cruises and gaze at the beauty of the sunset and enjoy the symphony of lights, take a tour around the beauty of Portuguese architecture surrounding Macau, devour food at their deluxe buffets, go to Disneyland for fun, and take as many “Instagrammable” shots with my ever-supportive sisters.

For these things to happen, I allocate a chunk of my salary to the purchase of plane tickets, hotel accommodations, activity vouchers, what have you. I end up experiencing problems with my cards from Philippine banks, in which they flag your card for transactions done online and eventually block your purchases thereon. I expect to lose a lot more than the figures I wrote on my itinerary, but I don’t expect to lose a lot and gain less.

You see, I plan trips just so. While most travelers out there state the budget and flex their plans around it, I, on the other hand, do the exact opposite, write the plans, track the possible expenses, see if I can pull out as much, and scrape off the plans that don’t make the cut. I treat trips like timetables, always on a schedule, always packed and more importantly, always presented in tables. I remember taking an entire Saturday, in June, to finish making a soft copy of this August trip. I am that girl.

Why? Because there is this inexplicable sense of fulfillment in ticking boxes and making checklists. You got everything you need? Check. Made it in time? Check. Budget met? Check. Within the allotted time? Check. Worth it? Check. Checked everything? Check. I live for the predictability. I am that girl.

But life does not work that way.

First, let’s talk about history. Following the case of a murderer in Taiwan who fled to Hongkong and could not be brought back to Taiwan due to lack of formal extradition arrangements between the two countries, a bill was proposed in February, 2019 labeled  Fugitive Offenders and Mutual Legal Assistance in Criminal Matters Legislation (Amendment) Bill, otherwise known as the extradition bill. Once this bill is enacted, local authorities can issue detention and extradition to offenders coming from countries that Hong Kong does not have extradition ties with, like Taiwan and China. This sparked outrage among the citizens and resulted in a series of protests in April and March, and a 240,000-people march on June 12th, to show their strong disapproval of the bill. Schedules of protests have been shared on social media sites. Videos and articles show escalated tension, excessive force and violent dispersals of protests using flares, tear gas, and physical harm. On August 4, over 200 flights in and out of Hong Kong were canceled, all due to the unrest and suspension of various forms of transportation such as MTRs.

That’s as far as I know, and that’s as much information as I can endure from that lengthy Wikipedia read. I have never been so updated about another country’s political climate as I am now.

My family’s trip is set on August 10-14. Protests are set in major areas in Hong Kong, one relatively near our accommodation, and one at the airport.

I deliberately decided to cancel the trip for two reasons.

First, I can’t afford funeral costs. Second, I don’t like the thought of dying in a foreign land where I’d be seen last breathing, my hand clutching my phone, with Google Maps running in the background telling me which way to run.

Sorry, bad joke. Much like the nightmare that this entire almost-trip has been.

Usually, we travel for three things. First, we travel to find ourselves--to enjoy, to heal what needs to be healed, to release the stress that’s slowly eating us from within, to forget what needs to be forgotten, and take a fresh new step. Second, we travel to explore; so somehow we could learn how to be a bit more cultured, so we can discover what parts of our country suck so bad and learn from other countries what we can do to make them suck less. Finally, we travel so we can humble-brag on Instagram.

I wanted the trip to push through not because I wanted to achieve those three things--I wanted to do it because I made a promise. But like I said, I had to cancel, because it won’t be fun. It won’t be a promise worth keeping, and second, I will not put my family’s life on the line just so I could get the most out of the money I spent.

What happened to the tickets, you say?

Flight tickets - Nonrefundable. I am praying that the carrier cancels on their end, so I can get a refund.

Hotel - Nonrefundable. Re-scheduling not allowed. I tried but since it was a promo, it wasn’t allowed. I just wish the hotel owners well.

Disneyland Tickets - Sold them at half the price. I still have two tickets at my disposal.

Klook Activity Vouchers - Sold them at less than half the price.  I still have two tickets at my disposal.

So, here I am.

No money,

no new stamp on my passport,

no Instagram stories and photos,

with a little trace of my sanity kept intact,

a long post about this learning curve, and after everything that happened,

a family worth coming home to.

Damn, I sure hope Hong Kong sorts out this problem fast. I’m not giving up, you know.

[thesuperwallflower]

Buying versus Renting

It’s been a week since Jay and I started discussing this tedious topic. We have been looking at several social media posts about houses for sale, condominium units for rent, available rent-to-own units, and so on. It’s enticing to see them sold out on social media at impressively affordable prices, with promotions that are too good to be true: free appliances, ten percent off the total price, no downpayment, and everything else that makes you want to jump on the chance and sign that contract as soon as the site visit is done and over with.  We narrowed down the factors that we needed to consider as to whether it’s better to rent or own.  First, proximity. I have been away from my family far too long, and the thought of living farther away when I’m already married surprisingly frightens me, as opposed to what other couples want when they settle down and find a place of their own. Jay’s work is at a business district, and as soon as I go back home, I’m thinking of finding a job in the same area, which obviously requires both of us to consider looking for places in the metro.  Second, availability. Most of our options are around Manila, San Juan, and Mandaluyong, which are cities surrounding our work locations. Most of the units we’re looking for must be accessible to commonly used forms of transportation such as MRT and buses. Townhouses are quite far,  though, as most of the affordable ones are in San Juan and Quezon City, with access to near LRT stations and jeepneys. 

Third, price. Most of the 30-square-meter, one-bedroom units in the metro offer easy, flexible payment terms that range from 3.5 to 7 million pesos. Townhouses are offered at a similar price range, with the downpayment at a twenty percent minimum. Agents for most of these options offer assistance when interested parties apply for housing loans from government agencies or banks.

Lastly, capacity. At the moment, we (mostly Jay) have raised adequate funds for unit reservations, ten percent downpayment for condominium units, but barely enough for twenty percent required payment to the bank for a housing loan approval for townhouses. The monthly fees may seem feasible, but to acquire a million-peso loan as an initial cut out of the four-million loan for the total house cost feels herculean and redundant. 

With those in mind, Jay started looking around, checking out all those houses and units we saw posted on social media. Here’s what we found out.  Some agents would post payment terms in a manner that makes potential buyers feel it’s easy, affordable, and in Filipino terms, “abot-kamay” (within reach). 

Some, on the other hand, would ask for a move-in cost of around a hundred, then ask you to pay a few more bucks every month (around 20-30), then on the 12th month, you’d have to pay quarter to half a million, then do it again on the 24th month, and another on the 18th, and another on the 36th, until you’re completely buried in debt and eventually have no choice but give it up, sell it, or have it rented to someone else. 

Some owners of townhouses would sell two-floor, 40-50-square-meter houses at the same price and you’d definitely want to check them out. If you choose bank financing, up-front, you’re going to have to pay 20 percent of the total cost of the house and live comfortably with the monthly fee which you’ll pay to the bank at 1.60% interest or higher. Then again, how else do you get the million-worth downpayment but through another loan? 

All things considered, this must be partly our fault that we did not start looking into this as early as we started dating because of course, we did not want to turn each other off by looking into the farthest possible future of getting married, buying a house, and raising kids, did we?

In an article written on Asia property in 2018, there’s an undeniable increase in interest rates for real estate through the years 2013 to 2018, understandably due to the rising number of office spaces, gambling centers, and companies for outsourced industries, all situated in Metro Manila. 

There’s an apparent increase yet again in the interest rates of real estates in the first half of 2019, due to factors like supply and demand, economic growth, and inflation. Speaking of supply and demand, the spike is brought about by the number of foreign settlers in the country, who could not buy houses and land as the law prohibits them from doing so, hence working around the law legally by taking advantage of ownership of freehold real estate through property developers, with the property developers, in turn, taking advantage of the influx of immigrants. This being said, there’s a foreseeable shortage of available real estate properties in the first half of 2020. (Spectrum Magazine, 2019)

Jay was informed by one of the agents he spoke with about this condominium building that has already been pre-sold to immigrants. Funny enough, they may have probably stayed in the Philippines only for a few years and yet manage to buy living spaces much easier than do most of us. Then again, it’s definitely not their fault that we can’t buy a place of our own, and maybe, out of frustration, I’m merely passing the blame or making useless excuses. 

Going back to the question at hand, last night we had another grueling discussion on the pros and cons of renting and owning. 

Pros of Owning

Investment. The first couple of years may feel burdensome, as you have to crawl your way out of paying for your place, but it’s ultimately a great idea to own something that builds equity and increases value with time. In one of Jay’s visits to a house we were interested in buying, we were able to get a glance at the property’s land title. What is currently valued at 4 million was once bought by the owner in the 80′S at 40 thousand pesos.

Pride in Ownership. It certainly does bring a sense of fulfillment to actually own something, albeit the fact that partially, it’s yours and the bank’s (if it’s not fully paid). It is an achievement to work hard for something and see a tangible product of your daily struggles at work. 

Privacy. Nothing beats the security of knowing that the place is yours and you can make changes with it without people getting in the way. 

Cons of Owning

Long-term financial commitment. Most properties lock buyers to a 15 or 25-year contract of payment if they wish to pay the property as a cheaper monthly rate. This means more effort on saving up for emergency funds and more effort into finding other means of earning money. 

Ties to the community. Owning a property makes it more difficult for owners to move out, find a location more suitable to their changing needs. Options to get out of this problem would be to rent out the property to others (which kind of defeats the idea of buying your own place). 

Maintenance costs. As though association costs, mortgages, and other fees aren’t enough, when something needs to be fixed or renovated in the property, the responsibility is shouldered by the owners themselves. 

Being “house-poor”. To keep up with mortgages and debt consolidation, some owners borrow on top of their existing loans, which ultimately leaves them nothing. 

Pros of Renting

Financial flexibility. With minimal and short-term financial commitments that come with renting, tenants can plan their budget easily for utilities, rental costs, and other expenses. Should they encounter financial troubles, they can easily work around their finances because they are not tied to a fixed, not to mention overwhelming, mortgages. 

Good for newly-weds. Couples who just got married may surely have a lot on their hands especially when it comes to handling finances. It would probably be best to start the first years of their lives with as minimal financial conflicts as possible. 

Maintenance costs. The problem of fixing and costs of repairs are not for the renters to worry about. The landowners shoulder this responsibility, thus making more room for renters to allot money for other expenses. 

Moving around. Because renters are not tied financially to their rented residence, they do not have to be tied in one location, and based on their preferences and changing needs, they can move around and find other living spaces as they deem fit. Because of this, they can also be flexible about their career, as they can change work locations whenever they feel the need to. 

Cons of Renting

Possibility of rising rental costs. Since properties increase value over time, some landowners may opt to increase rental fees.

No ownership. Long-term rental costs amount to the same value of the property sans the ownership. 

Sources: Investopedia, Smart Parenting, iMoney

At the end of the day, it’s about cutting losses. Why do we need to own? Do we even need to own anything? For how long are we going to pay for something that will never be ours? Which option will leave us fewer things to think about and help us live life more?  What choice will make us use more of our time, resources, and efforts for the things that truly matter?  After lengthy discussions, we have yet to arrive at a decision. It’s all open-ended, it’s frustrating, it’s exhausting, but at least I don’t have to go through this alone.

[thesuperwallflower]

Morning woes

My day has not even begun and yet I am already awfully tired.

[thesuperwallflower]

#spring #tanpopo #japan

[thesuperwallflower]

Hanami Trails

#sakura #japan #cherryblossoms #spring #hanami #nagasaki #visitnagasaki #visitjapan #japanspring #haru

[millionsknives]

please make sure that wherever you’re at in life, you don’t treat it like a transitory period. don’t waste your college years wishing to already be graduated & have a job. don’t waste your single years wishing for someone to be in love with. if/when those things come, they will come in due time and they will be good. but there is nothing like looking back and feeling empty because you wasted literal years ignoring what you had because you were hoping for something better. while it’s important to better yourself and reach for your goals, don’t neglect the present because that’s where you are now and it’s your now that determines your future. 

[thesuperwallflower]

I should stop being too anxious of the future to the extent that I don’t live for what’s happening now.

[thesuperwallflower]

#spring #Japan #Nagasaki #Hanami #Flowers #Sakura #plumblossoms #cherryblossoms

[thesuperwallflower]

Home

[thesuperwallflower]

Autumn in Spring

[thesuperwallflower]

Comfort zone

[thesuperwallflower]

Constant Hunger

Do you have it? That lingering feeling that you’re stuck in between. Always wondering where you’re heading, always doubtful of your choices, always in constant fear that you’re lacking. I know I do.  I haven’t really written anything decent in a while. Every time I try to write something, there’s this resounding voice in my head that shrieks how cliche my thoughts are, and how sad and miserable my tone has become. Whenever recent events feel overwhelming, I do get the urge to transform it into the written word but I stop myself for the fear that they may come out less appealing than when they were just in my head. Have you ever been in that place, too?

I have been constantly struggling to prove myself worthy of things. I took TESOL certification just so I could prove myself worthy of working here. People think it was no longer necessary for me to have taken it, but I had to spend thousands just to prove a personal point--no, just to satiate my stupid pride. I took the TOEIC because I wanted to prove a point, again, that I am not just a second language speaker who is hindered by the irony of infinitely studying a second language from taking on a vast range of opportunities that are offered primarily to the firsts. I have already taken two examinations in Japanese and yet I feel like every time I make a sentence I would be corrected. Everytime I read something casually, either I fail because I have yet to learn the character or I read the onyomi or kunyomi wrong.  

You see, I seem to be in this constant hunger for achievement, slight competition, and the gentlest of praises, only to prove a point, which eventually, does not matter anyway. It’s like whatever you do, there will always be something to remind you that you will never be enough. The glass is neither full, nor empty, it’s always in between, and the question is not why that is, the question is what to fill it with. I can’t even make solid, life-changing decisions for the fear of regretting them, and taking the frustrations out on people around me and passing the blame onto them.  

I look at people’s lives from my digital window and every time I do, I am constantly reminded that I am still watching them from afar, asking myself how they are able to do it, and why I can’t, and how can I in any way get to be an inch closer to being like them. This is tragic. If my thirty-year-old self could feel like this, at this point in time, I wonder what more the people around me would feel, and what would become of them--the students I had, the people around me,  and the friends and children surrounding them. It’s sickening, but it’s an addiction, a virus that is aggressively invasive, only that instead of making you externally horrible, it makes you feel appealing on the outside, yet it eats you from within and makes you a hollow living thing. 

To make myself feel better,  I had to resort to goals like losing weight, traveling, or saving money, but even in these I always seem to take two steps forward and three steps back. I try to eat less in the morning, try to convince myself not to eat at night, and still eat anyway. I try to save as much money as I can, yet, in the process of sacrificing my cutbacks, I start thinking of how I can spend the money that I save (which is, of course, by traveling). There’s always this hunger that can never be satisfied, both literally and figuratively, and even if I try so hard to win over temptations, I always concede and sadly say to myself, “Ah, to hell with it.” 

Looking back I never really have any idea of what I truly wanted. The ten-year-old me started reading Harry Potter because those were the books that were available. I liked listening to alternative rock and other genres because I surrounded myself with people whose musical influences seemed cool. When I started earning money, I started loving and reading books because I thought it was a habit of the intellectual and the cultured and, of course, I wanted to be part of that crowd. Some of the things I liked before just grew on me even if I didn’t like them in the first place because I wanted to be liked, too. Truth be told, most of the books I bought didn’t interest me, that I skipped some to the last part just to see how the stories ended, and some of the songs I listened to back then sucked.  Am I just a part of a chain of influences? Isn’t everyone? How phony does that make me? 

See, everything I do, or am, or will become, is a weak, confused, pretentious version of someone who does not really know who she really is, or what she really wants. If there’s a limbo, I guess I do not have to die to witness it. It’s in the daily experiences, it’s in the repetitive unanswered questions. It manifests itself in thousands of ways one must deal with every single day. 

The thing is, I am used to hearing things like, 

“You’re still lucky you’re still alive to do things right.”  “You’re lucky you still have a complete family to support you.”  “You’re strong, you can turn things around.” “It will be okay.” “People have it a lot worse than you.” “Things will turn for the better.” Trust me, I have been telling myself the same things over and over, and over, and over, again. It does not get any better nor does it get any worse. It’s a plain, monotonous, predictable cycle of getting in a slump, comforting myself, and convincing myself that I feel a lot better, and this form of entertainment just happens every day.     

Collectively, repeating these words in my head within sixty minutes feels like mental torture. Yet, I feel better that somehow I was finally able to organize my thoughts and put it in a way at least one person could understand. But I guess no one would. 

[thesuperwallflower]

Win her heart.

See her. Not for what she was, for she could vividly tell you her dark past, and all the murky, grimy alleys and valleys she had to tread to get to where she is. Not for what she will be, for her future is uncertain. Her plans change as hastily as do the seasons. She fears the future just as much as you do, and the future she sees now may be different than the one she might see tomorrow or the day after. Instead, see her today--in all her grime, which, she may not have been able to wash after all these years of hard work; in all her shame, for the things she knows she could not do, or could, but chooses not to; and in all her glory, from all the simple things she slowly accomplishments in the best way she knows. 

Need her. There are times when she thinks she lives solely for the reason she was brought out into this world. Sometimes she thinks whether people would grieve if she passes away. She fears that people may not remember her at all.  She goes out of her way to look for means to help people around her and yet she still feels void and susceptible to rejection. Make her feel that her existence is a vital element of your own. 

Make her need you. She’s strong. She is convinced that she can make it on her own. She has been through so much and has created a fortress that has withstood all the billowing tides of failures, regret, and misdoings. Be proud of her and cheer her on, for all she needs is a simple ceremony of recognition in your words, in the tone of your voice, in the lines at the corner of your eyes when you smile as she celebrates her victories beyond her comfort zone. Yet, you need to make her realize that in those moments of frailty, she has someone to turn to. She knows that she is not a deity of ability and she needs you behind her to push her back up, by her side to hold hands with along the journey, and in front of her to pull her up when she’s scared to take risks. 

Feed her. She will spend the rest of her life trying to make you happy. In return, she needs security--not from the thickness of your wallet, or the number of zeroes in your bank account, but in the simple things like sharing passions, chores, and responsibilities. She will always be hungry and may not know what she wants. She needs to be assured that you also know what’s best for her in those moments of uncertainty. She will lose her hair. Every single day, she will complain about the pounds she gains, the lines she forms, or the shape she creates, and you, in turn, will be generous with your words. You may lose your personal resources along the way, and she needs to be assured that it is all for a good cause. Do this and she can take care of you, fight for you to the death, even if she loses everything, even when everything she owns is at stake. You need to realize that the only way that you both can live harmoniously is when both of you are well-fed. 

Last, the title of this post. 

[thesuperwallflower]

[thesuperwallflower]

Do something that your future self will thank you for.

Sean Patrick Flanery

[thesuperwallflower]

Envy

This is the first time I’m writing about this and I have probably never told anyone how I feel about this matter in the same intricate way as I’m writing about it now. 

Her name is X. We were friends in college and we managed to keep our friendship despite having gone separate career routes. She didn’t seem to care much about achievements back then. She worked hard to support her studies, managed to sustain her academic needs without seeking help from her parents, and even managed to do things ahead of all of us after graduation. She has done so many things neither of us could have imagined she could ever do. 

Now, I recently came across her profile and found out that she is presenting in a round-table discussion hosted by one of the prime universities back home. Under her name is that of a foreign university, and in her invitation letter is a prestigious opportunity given only to the likes of my professors in grad school.

Part of me is so proud of her. This happiness is overflowing because I know that she worked hard for everything that she is reaping now. Part of me wants to congratulate her personally if I only have the chance to do so. Looking at her current successes, however, somehow saddens me. I sink at the thought of what I have become and how far I have gone. I realized I have been chasing the same dreams hoping I could get the same advantages and opportunities, hoping that it would make me happy as I thought those were also the same things that I wanted for myself.

I once told my college friends about it, and they felt that I was being jealous of it and that my pride took the better lot of me. I didn’t like the sound of it at first, as I wanted to deny such thoughts. They weren’t healthy, yes, and such ideas could be destructive of one’s self-esteem. After all, we have all chosen our own roads, such we thought are less traveled by. Thinking about it now, people may call it any way they want, but now, this is really how I feel. 

Every time this happens, I ask myself: what do I really want? What will make me happy? I wanted to perform well as a public school teacher and I got promoted, but then I chased after the dream of having a higher-paying job at the cost of satisfaction, then I still feel empty. I challenged myself to take language proficiency tests to prove that I can do better, but still, I am not entirely satisfied. I have even taken an online TESOL program so I could have the edge and receive even better opportunities, but it still doesn’t make me feel any different.   

This uncertainty haunts me and my worst fear is that I’d end up feeling sorry for myself for potentially living the rest of my life, facing the consequences of not knowing what I really want and for not realizing it soon enough. 

[thesuperwallflower]

[thesuperwallflower]