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31st December 2016

10:58PM

The last hour of December 2016. The last hour of 2016.

I would not be able to sum up the adventures of 2016 in 60 minutes but I shall write what I can remember, what comes to mind in this last hour.

2016 has been ... oh I don’t know what - a roller coaster ride - to say. I can still feel the weight on my shoulders ... I feel like I need a KW khai-ro session.

Now, the year started with ...

Residing in grandmother’s house. Signing up for a 3-month membership at my university’s new gym. Moving to a different place during my study week. Being recommended to be a representative of my department - which turns out to be a much bigger deal.

Changing ministry in church. Being in the same group as the really nice usher in 2015 who I kinda like.

Finally setting off the sail of the campus community I desired and tilted the ground for. Thanking God for my camp roommate the previous year. Organising a BBQ session because a board games session didn’t work out. Kudos to camp roommate’s resilience and spirit of getting things done whenever I’m like mehh and feel discouraged. Welcoming at least 3 gems on board because of the BBQ night. Providing a platform for many other gems to gather every week in the morning/evening. Blessing the campus’ IT community. Blessing the new intake students with stationery and minizine. Having lunches with the YWAs in uni through HJ. Meeting some whom I deemed ‘a breath of fresh air’.

Working with different people in group assignments. Meeting another lecturer that impacted my life positively. Praying for God to assemble the team for me. Feeling lost, alone, and helpless. Making friends with my programme chair. Having chats with my lecturer.

Finally the owner of a hard drive, Keri Smith box sets, calligraphy pen, fountain pen, paintbrushes, more coloured pens, washi tapes, etc.

Discovering calligraphy and brush calligraphy.

Making more friends. Having a mini-campus getaway right before classes officially start. Learning that I need to dress better.

Dressing awkwardly in trips. Jump street. Being setup with another guy. Going to an arts festival! He’s a really nice and empathetic guy. Liking the same kind of food/ingredients. Being told in the typical facebook analysis test that I need a more mannn guy but felt bound and imprison at the prospect or thought of one.

Having a good friend look my way - as a sign to say ‘he’s your type eh hmmm.’. Finding a new hideout in a thyme out place. “I like it here because it’s quiet.” Seeing the person there the next day.

Having friends that matter a lot to the installation. <3

Being challenged. Unfollowing people. Unfollowing someone because I couldn't come to terms with how the person is online and in personal texts. Feeling the walls. Feeling the burdens, the weight on my shoulders when I thought that the weight will finally be shared. Meeting someone who made me think twice whether is he ‘the one’ because of my previous posts, writings, desires; because of the built-up. Forseeing it will be a challenging communicating journey ahead because of differences. Feeling drained by his energy. Finding out recently that’s it’s a cognitive thing - extraverted versus introverted feeling. Forgetting Isaac.

Asked for a surprise trip during my break. Interning with my local parliamentarian. Growing. Learning. Building up my resume.

Went for another play in another theatre which I desired to go. Interviewed a practitioner. Learning from mistakes. Exploring private car rides. Exploring the novelty stationery shop I have been wanting to visit. Washi tapes.

Being on social media almost everyday. Being vulnerable. Being trusting. Learning things the hard way. Believing in lies that was crafted to pull me down, to add weight to my shoulders. Toxic friends finally removing themselves from my life, a prayer answered.

Encountering online mentors and encouragers. Learning to let go of baggages.

Seeing how God is enlarging my territories. Having long time friends and mentors who encourages me and who believe in me to take on those leadership roles I feared to take on. One step at a time.

Learning that things are not as bad as I’ve imagined. Learning so much more about myself. Having a lot of human interaction. Learning that I’ll need stand up for myself more. Made many new friends. Appreciating efficient people.

Meeting leaders.

Learning to rise above myself.

Staying at the top of my class for most subjects still even though I was filled if self doubt, didn't have enough time, felt that I was robbed because of some circumstances.

Iron sharpens iron. Friction. Hurt. Being told that everyone is fake. Believing that people are genuine and nice. Being lacerated with comments.

Being reminded that I am loved. Being reminded that I am an Esther and a David. My weakness is made perfect in God’s magnificent power. Sharing my faith. New friendships were formed and strengthened. Seeing how my classmates have grown.

Saying things I didn’t mean.

Throwing stress at people unconsciously. Losing ‘friends’.

Reuniting with long time friends during friends’ graduation. Reunions.

Learning to keep quiet, to keep certain thoughts to myself in social situations. Learning that I am humanly alone.

Sinning.

Experiencing God’s love.

Learning to not be people’s back and call. Throw the ball back at them. Provide them a solution.

ENFP males are my favorite kind of people.They make me feel at ease and calm and okay to be myself. They draw me out of my shell and make me =).

Seeing how broken people are sometimes. Learning to keep secrets. Wanting to love for who a person really is, not what that person can do or will become.

Saying yes to pioneering another campus ministry.

Resting.

Learning that ‘Those who leave everything in God’s hands will eventaully see God’s hands in everything.”

And oh, how can I forget! Straightening my hair and having braces on.

Meeting people in this preparatory season of my life. What I deemed to be ‘under the radar’ didn’t turn out as I expected.

Growing in knowledge, in love, in strength.

Regardless, I am taller, stronger, better than the year before. I am wiser, and because of Him, I have grown in favor with people around me.

11:59PM

Linear

Studying for the exams this semester has messed with my biological clock. It’s 5:33am now and I am still awake. I think I am depressed ... especially these few days. Is my period coming? Anyways, I thought I should write to get some things out of my head. I’ve been reading a lot. I read about half of the Wander Society just now. Before that, I read about half of Writing the Mind Alive. I sorta made some effort to clean up my room, do a little laundry on a rainy day. It seemed like Mount Everest to me. One thing I have to constantly remind myself, one thing that I’ve learnt this few months is that “things are not as bad as I think of it”. I’ve gotta be less tense and just let things be ... try not to control as much or care as much. Just be a fed up person.

Anyways ... the point of this post is ... (I think doing the 30dayschallenge - which will end in 3 days time - has drained me as much as it has freed me but at the same time somewhat liberated me a little.

Back to the point of this post ...

On the late hours of Christmas Eve ... approaching Christmas Day, ML pointed out that my television viewing and reading habits may be aggravating my fragmented and nonlinear thought process. Apparently I mentioned to him before that my thoughts are fragmented. You know it when someone state a comment out of concern. When he, SP, BC point out ways on which I can improve myself, I could feel that they cared for me and is mentioning it out of love. This is not necessary so with some others.

So just now, although I opened the plastic wrapping of Bridget Jones diary, I could not bring myself to read it. FOCUS has been the word of the season. And I have a lot of to-reads. Reading a chapter or two here and there may sound fun but it will not do me good. I think I should hide those books. Anyways, I made the effort to be focused on one at a time ...

But well ...I was halfway through Writing the Mind Alive where I suddenly felt that I should (I stopped at Chapter 3) read the Wander Society ... in a linear way. I’ve been thinking and imagining my trip to the central market in about a week’s time, the wanderings I’d do, the explorations I’ll go on, and the unique findings I’ll come upon. I thought about bringing someone with me ... that’s another story, I imagined how I’d ask for the person to come on this train ride adventure with me (i can actually take the bus too, perhaps I’d take it otw back). But then things didn’t go as planned in my mind, and also as I delve in further ... I think it’d be better if I do it alone. There would be no inhibitions then, I would not be restricted by another person’s presence or inhibitions with time.

I think he deliberately chose that date to come back so the he won’t have to do what he has got to do. I need to remember that due to my personality, I’m prone to idealize people, put them on a pedestal, forgo their negative attributes, have trouble coming out of toxic relationships. It feels that he is also on the rush, to be far away from me. Am I that distasteful? Anyways, just have it in your mind that he hates you, he dislikes you and you are to look at other trees and fishes in the forest and ocean and build up the walls and be always on your guard. Don’t be as credulous as before, you’ve learnt the lesson the hard way. But then at the same time, continue to extend love to others because if you are mean to other people, you’re actually putting others through the same trauma that you wish you didn’t have to go through. Ok, trauma is a big word, but you get the idea. What is he running away from?

I feel oppressed. I would like to and shall take flight in due time. But would it be right? Duty tells me to stay. I imagine myself to suddenly take flight to distant lands at my whim. As long as I have the money, the budget. I think this is to show that “I have arrived”.

i feel oppressed by mother. Most probably she feels oppressed herself that’s why she’s doing it to me. I don't really get it - it’s a given that monkey see monkey do, we learn best by observing how others behave, but to her it’s a little like the Pharisees and teachers of the law - just because they seat on Moses’ seat we are to (what Jesus said) follow their teachings rather than what they do. =.=lll

Another thing I’ve learnt is to tune out, to turn a deaf ear to a things - to filter words and garbage that people speak. With those lips we praise God, with those lips we curse men. Humans.

Till then.

6am.

A very Blessed Christmas to you!

thiswassomethingelse

INFPs in relationships

Strengths:

- Very caring and attentive to partner’s needs and emotions

- Will notice the small things their partner does for them, and thank them constantly

- Usually do not have irrational or unrealistic standards for their partners

- Forgiving

- Will constantly leave small notes, gifts, and other tokens of appreciation for their partner

- If the INFP is not constantly complimenting you once they get to know you in a relationship, something is wrong

- Will spend every waking moment trying to build their partner’s confidence and happiness

- Love deeply and without restraints

Weaknesses:

- Constantly needs reassurance that partner is still interested in them

- Reads too deeply into small things, like partner not responding to a text, or falling asleep before they say good night, etc.

- Has strong difficulties facing conflict or admitting to having negative feelings

- Does not like to ask for help, even when they need it

- Can become awkward in situation they do not know well

- Build their partner up to something they are not and romanticize bad parts of their relationship, or pretend they don’t exist

- Can become downright cruel in fights or breakups

- Loyal to a fault

aboutlife89

INFP tip #52 : Testing the limits

INFPs are very careful people. We don’t want to make mistakes, we don’t want to offend or disappoint.

This mindset of always wanting to please can bring a lot of anxiety in our lives. I will elaborate more on anxiety in a later post, because just like depression, it can affect a lot of INFPs, and we should talk about that more in detail.

I started observing an ESTP friend lately. He is always so relaxed about everything. He simply goes with the flow. It’s very interesting to talk with him about the way he sees things, and exchange our points of view.

Here is a concrete example:

If I arrive late at work, I get very anxious. Even if I am just a couple of minutes late I will think my boss will be extremely mad. I will feel very bad about the situation and anticipate the worst scenarios.

If the same thing happens to my ESTP friend, he will acknowledge the fact that he should arrive earlier, but he won’t stress over his mistake of arriving late. He will not think about all the bad things that can happen. He will not be scared of the reaction of his boss. He will wait until he sees what really happens to react. This simple way of thinking saves him tons of unnecessary stress. Maybe his boss won’t notice, maybe he will notice but won’t be mad because he is not that late. Maybe he will notice and just tell him in a polite way.

The magic of his thinking is simple, he tells himself: “what’s the worst thing that could happen? and even if that happens, although it’s very unlikely, does it mean my life is over?”

It’s never over. You have the right to make mistakes. You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to please everyone, all the time.

////

There are 2 important things to notice in this way of thinking, and that we should try to follow as INFPs, to let go a little bit of our worries:

First: You don’t know what will really happen until it happens.

Second: What INFPs call “mistake”, ESTPs call “testing the limits”.

When you start practicing pushing the boundaries ( your own illusions ) , you will slowly become more confident and less anxious. Every time you get nervous about something, and you’re scared, and then it doesn’t happen, your anxiety and worries will drop.

Over time, you will be able to stand for yourself, and do what you really want to do. No fear. You are just testing.

How do you know if you can or can’t do something if you never tried it?

You don’t know. And It’s awesome.

9th December 2016

=) =) =)

I’m happy. I was reaaaalllllyyy worried and anxious about my coursework marks ... to the point where I told myself I didn’t want to check the marks when it’s out. But then my friend, M, texted me and said the marks are out ... and curiosity got the hang out of me. And boy was I glad I checked it. Burden off!

All glory and praise goes to God manz. I really couldn’t have done it without relying on His strength, grace, and comfort to go through this semester. Resting in His music/presence. I did my best, I gave my all. I went all out. With the campaign and with the student committee, I’d say I rose above it all and my results wasn’t mediocre. I rose above myself and I am very surprised that two out of three of my reflection papers with my strictest lecturer is the highest in my class - before moderation. The next highest is 0.4 away from me. Really thank you God. My heart is better now.

Thank You for this testimony. Thank You for enlarging my territory and capacity this semester. I was leading a team (of two hahaha still), pioneering a team of 7 (9 now), served in church, and I am still able to do quite okay (well!) in uni.

Now, help me with my finals. Help me again and again, especially with maintaining my scholarship. I wanna be Your light and testimony.

I’m trying to meet the 12am deadline so I’ll write more next time. =)

Yahweh, thank You, once again. <3

6th December 2016

I am like the woman knocking on King Solomon's palace door. God, please take over the situation. I need your help to deal with things happening now.

In order to move on, you must understand why you felt what you did and why you no longer need to feel it.

Mitch Albom, Five People You Meet in Heaven

If all you had to offer was friendship, who would still be around? Real situation expose fake people so sometimes it takes getting down on life to find out who’s really down. You see people pretend well when their souls are for sale. And sometimes it’s the one that you love the most that mostly want to see you fail that’s real. Just because they’re riding with you doesn’t mean they’re riding for you that’s facts. You see loyalty shouldn’t depend on your presence it’s more about how they act behind your back, who can you trust?

Some of us are fighting for people that wouldn’t throw a punch for us and yet these are the ones who call friends. You know, the ones that care so much about your struggle but yet so silent when you win. The ones that bring gossip to you about you but your name they never defend. Understand, everybody in your boat might not be rolling but drilling holes and as time goes and jealously grows, pay attention, because that’s when true motives get exposed.

Everybody in your circle might not be in your corner, support doesn’t always come from familiar faces. So don't be surprised if God places strangers in your life to take you to higher places. Don't be surprised if your growth makes your circle smaller. But you got two choices, let it break you or let it make you. Make your dream even larger, make your vision farther. There’s more to your path than where you’re currently at and I think life will teach you this. Sometimes the best way to add to your life is not to add to it but to subtract.

Understand. It’s not about the size of your circle but it’s about the loyalty that’s in it. You see nothing can stop a squad that’s dedicated to fighting for the same mission. Focus on the same vision. Does your circle got that type of commitment? Are they happy for you when you winning? Or is it the more you do the better their love gets distance? The more their support goes missing. Listen, real friends don’t hate each other what they do is they push each other to go get it. In your life, do you got those type of friendships?

Because mindsets are very contagious. And I promise you this. And I promise you this, whoever you consistently surround your life around will surely persuade it.

Wake up everybody’s prayers for you ain’t to make it. So do they really got love for you or do they just fake it? Do they really got love for you or do they just love to use you? To some you’re just an opportunity yeah that’s how these fake friends will do you. They present what you want just to take what they need. And when they can no longer benefit from your life well that’s when their loyalty leaves.

So imma ask you this question again, if all you had to offer was friendship who would you still be able to call your friend?

Hello, December.

30th November 2016

It’s goanna be ‘Hello, December’ in about 45 minutes time. I think by the time I finish, it’ll be December already. Today, is a good day. Everyday is a good day because God is good. There were down moments, but all in all it’s a good day. I now have trouble disclosing stories here.

28th November 2016

A friend in Glasgow have been trying to reach me to catch up.

I received a call on my phone (funny how the number is not a Glasgow number) when I was in the bus, but I couldn’t really hear him. I didn’t know who was it at first but suspected it was him. I named the contact ‘Who Are You’.

He decided on Messenger call. After arriving in uni, I tried to download the app. At first, I thought the download failed. After a while it got through.

We spoke for 37 mins 31 seconds. Monday morning for me. Sunday night for him. It was an enlightening catch up. And we had a good session on personality and psychology.

Thank You Yahweh for friends who makes much effort to catch up.

The INFP can feel like a walking paradox. Why is this? It’s because the INFP’s cognitive functions often contradict each other.

I’m normal.

If you identify as an INFP, I’m sure you’re aware of just how strange we can be. We’re described as highly individualistic, idealistic, and empathetic.

23rd November 2016

What’s holding you back? Do you feel oppressed? Why are you still holding it all in when the semester is already over (sort of) but not exactly. People management and growing pains.

Black Mirror. Self-disclosure. Sentence fragments.

Tune out the voices you hear. Can I turn a blind eye to it? No, after all that I’ve experienced and gone through, after hearing how people gossip, talk about things, their responses can be anticipated. I can hear it in my head. And now, most everything they do screams at me “fake”. I am scarred. I am starting to second guess people. I guess this is the process of being a realist...

Manasseh.

Onion of the Christmas Future.

Human interaction.

infpconfessionsoflife

Being INFP

I love being INFP

I admit it, I love being INFP! There is something about us. There is a way, an air. I love the fact that there seems to be nothing in our minds that can stop us. We can be determined and unstoppable. We have that fire in our soul and so long as we put our minds to it, we can achieve anything and move mountains. We are dreamers and lovers. I love the fact that we can think progressively. Even though it hurts us, I love the fact that we can feel so deeply the plights of others that our hearts can literally hurt for them, it is just so beautiful and poetic to me. As much as sometimes it feels as a burden and it can weigh me down a bit, I am happy that people come to be and unload their problems on me. To me, that means you have to have large shoulders and are a reliable and kind person to merit the trust of those that do so. I’m proud of my ability to have empathy for those around me. I am proud that when I need to, I can speak up. I love that we feel love so deeply. Never have I seen a type that can love so deeply that it goes without a word or expression, but we all know what this feeling is. Wordlessly we love because there are no words to describe how deep into every fiber of our being it goes. I love how when I look at a person, I may make a speculation and check their body language and overall vibes and I can get their number pretty quickly. The INFP magic~ I love that we are for peace. There is nothing worse than today with the divisions of everything against everyone. I for one as an INFP believe that there is no difference. It hurts me to see people struggling with hatred and though I know it is a very prominent thing these days, I for one will not be part of it. Because, when I look at a person, unless I know their true person, I only see a heart and a soul. Nothing more or less, a fellow human being. It has never been upon my mind to treat any one person better or less due to age, size, walk of life, race or sexuality. Because why does any of this matter in the first place?

I love being INFP because I feel connected to the world around me. Sometimes this is true and it plays to my detriment when the world has a dark outlook, but would I trade this special power? No, I cannot say I would. Though it gets us into more trouble and can cause frustration sometimes, I love the fact that we are walking contradictions. Sure again sometimes it can be detrimental, but it is something that we are and because of this, it makes each and every one of us unique. We are different. We are a type that doesn’t follow the crowd. I, myself like to think that because we are different we can be kind hearted and see the world in different light. I love being INFP because yet again though it can be frustrating, we can see both sides of the coin. I know other types can do this as well, especially fellow diplomats, but it is that thinking that spurs a lot of my decisions and take me from acting in a way that would be hurtful to one of a peaceable manner.

I LOVE being INFP because it means that, sure we’re introverted, but we can speak when we need to. Our moral compass guides us as we make choices, and if things go against us, we are not afraid to go with our heart and our gut and stand firm in what we believe in, even if it is not the popular thing. Sure there are times that we have our emotions take over, and it seems as though we are too sensitive, but if it came to being this way or being another type, would you trade it?

I love that we are creative, even if it is not in a physical way, even in our thinking or how we take in a piece of art and appreciate it. Writing, art, music. It’s all so beautiful to me, and our connection with music, is so very deep, and so very moving.

There is so much to be grateful for with any type that you are. I for one will always be a proud INFP

14th November 2016

Things are better. I was stressed for almost nothing at the beginning of the semester. Worry is like a rocking chair. But then it pushed me to be much more careful. Enlarged territory. Burdens lesser. God is my strength and my fortress forever.

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