ah these pretzels suck

Handsome Jack rp blog | Selective 

[thetalonofgod]

fucking cackles i cant believe i still have this login

[thetalonofgod]

Hyperion would like to remind you that your chances of survival increases by 69% when you accept Handsome Jack as your savior.

[thetalonofgod]

that-catch-a-ride replied to your post: i can’t believe i still know this asshole’s email...

*huggles*

remember when i was active here lmao

[thetalonofgod]

i can’t believe i still know this asshole’s email and not cole’s

[thetalonofgod]

All hail our lord and savior Cthulu!

“Call me when Cthulwhatever owns a corporation, kiddo”.

[thetalonofgod]

Hyperion would like to remind you that a true Alpha doesn't waste time whining about its status. A true Alpha goes to fuck bitches and dumbass to assert their superiority, just like Handsome Jack did to New Haven.

[thetalonofgod]

Hyperion would like to remind you that the only day to celebrate any King is on Handsome Jack's birthday.

[aloyalemployee]

Ah - ah…Well, without any time to call up the people who monitor that, I can’t say with any certainty, uh –

                                – Really, really well, it’s going great, sir. Extremely productive. 95% efficiency.                                     Profit margin growing all the time. Heh.

[thetalonofgod]

Is 95% acceptable, Meg?

   Remind me, what did I hired you for, cupcake? Other than to bring me coffee and try to look cute, what’s your position here?

[thetalonofgod]

Meg, Thanksgiving productivity report

right now

[thetalonofgod]

The Hyperion Corporation would like to remind you that the only thing you should be thankful for this Thanksgiving is Handsome Jack's existence. Also, for his perfect hairstyle.

[blood-soaked-shields-deactivate]

+Thetalonofgod

@thetalonofgod

“You are arrogant, cocky, stupid, over-excessive, disloyal, horrid, ugly, and beyond else the worst father I have ever met. Do you want me to go on? Cause I have more than enough to fill up your self-esteem.” Gaige blabbed on insulting the man. She hoped he could hear her loud and clear over the ECHO. “Do you realize how much of a asshole you are now?”

[thetalonofgod]

“Y A W N. Has anyone ever told you you’re the personification of a yawn?”        If eye rolls could be heard, his would be louder than any alarm this kid has ever heard.Or perhaps she could hear his exaggerated chewing showing how enthusiastic he was about hearing her bitch about him.       “Go on, keep talking, kiddo. Maybe you’ll get smarter the more you insult a smart person”.

[thetalonofgod]

[thetalonofgod]

Hyperion is willing to pay a thousand dollars to the first individual who sends the great Handsome Jack a message through the hideous tumblr IM system. This offer is just available for the next six seconds

[tediiore]

thetalonofgod:

Stand by for an important message from the Hyperion Corporation:

Conference Call Shotgun.

Thank you for standing by, have a great day

I’d be hurt if this wasn’t your humor, Jack, I really would. ‘Conference Call’, ha! Those little buzzwords just make the cutest names!

I do love that our conversations begin with jokes. It warms the heart to see you in such good spirits - what’s got you in such a sunny mood? Is there a new shade of yellow? 

[thetalonofgod]

You know me, cupcake, always in a good mood when I get to hear the voices of the so-called “competition”. I don’t want you hurt, I know the truth hurts but I just can’t have you admitting defeat so easily. Although you should, but that’s for another day. Right now I just want you to remember how hard you’re gonna have to work if you ever want to beat Hyperion and all our lovely shades of yellow. Found new ways to throw your guns like savages?

[thetalonofgod]

Stand by for an important message from the Hyperion Corporation:

Conference Call Shotgun.

Thank you for standing by, have a great day

[thetalonofgod]

Still can’t believe you assclowns have any chance to bring my game down. I-I mean, I get it! It’s not every day you find yourselves challenged by someone as intelligent and good looking as I am, but come on.

Seriously? You’re sending people to try block my social media feeds?

Are you freaking kidding me? This is like chikd’s play to me! But since you managed to make me waste valuable minutes of my very expensive time, I’m going to be nice and send you the head of Helena Pierce. In a stick. Covered in dry blood and probably urine, I don’t know, I’m still trying to get past the blood part. Hey, maybe sprinkles might do the trick. Let me know when you get my present, you freaking morons.

[thetalonofgod]

Hyperion would like to remind you that calling youself trash is a copyright infrigment, and that the only person allowed to call you 'trash' is Handsome Jack himself.