Things My Professors Say

Professors say the weirdest things. Mine tend to be over-dramatic or incredibly deadpan, but it always yields some funny sayings.

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Yes king your mating dance WAS beautiful yes your shoulder mobility is super impressive. No yeah she'll never find another male with arms as blue as yours I promise bro. She doesn't know what she's missing out on dude

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Football players with sickle cell anemia cannot play in Denver and 25% of the population is going to die. I learned something today.

My Biochemistry Professor on Students Offering Information on Sickle Cell Anemia

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"If you get more than 100% yield then you just did alchemy. And we don't do alchemy here"

My General Chemistry Professor on Actual Yields

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Furnaces are dangerous partially because of carbon monoxide poisoning and in part, because it can blow up.

My Biochemistry Professor on the Affinity of Myglobin for Carbon Monoxide

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The backbone of a substrate is like an enzymatic hug.

My Biochemistry Professor on Constructing the R group on Enzymatic Inhibitors 

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All Google image searches, no matter how innocent, will result in a picture of a naked woman by page two. That's why I don't do Google image searches in class anymore.

My Mythology Professor on Google Image

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Fibronectin and integrin 

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In Biology, we all know red and green make yellow.

My Embryology Professor on Immunofluoresence of Fibronectin Networks

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If your electron micrograph has a picture of a donkey on it, crop it out. That has nothing to do with diabetes.

My Biochemistry Professor on Inappropriate Figures in Scientific Papers

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Premed people, I know you don't like math and don't do math...but drugs are almost all inhibitors, so there is your reason why you need to understand these numbers.

My Biochemistry Professor on Inhibition Mechanisms of Enzymes and Premed Students (it should be mentioned that the over abundance of premed in my university leads to them being the butt of the joke most of the time)

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In Introductory Biology, just answer "increases surface area to volume ratio" and you'll be fine.

My Embryology Professor on Redundancy in Introductory Biology

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Enzyme + product reactions are like a cozy sweater that itches a little bit without an undershirt. It's almost a perfect fit, but not quite enough to keep you from driving down to the Goodwill and giving it away.

My Biochemistry Professor on the Ejection of Product from an Enzyme 

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Biochemists love lines. Only the smart ones can do polynomials.

My Biochemistry Professor on Deriving First Order Rate Equations 

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The Scanning Electron Microscope is the microscope equivalent to an iPhone except it is much easier to use.

My Electron Microscopy Professor on the Sleekness of the SEM

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A straight line is a very special kind of curve- a straight one.

- My Physics Professor on Graphs of Motion

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This pen may cost you .79 cents at a Wal*Mart, but when buying from a specialized company for electron microscopy material, I got this pen at the low low price of $19.99. It's been certified "professional" now.

My Electron Microscopy Professor on Specialized Companies, Grants, and Price Mark-ups.

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Unlike vampires, some molecules have mirror images.

My Organic Chemistry Professor on Enantiomers and Chirality