It’s been a while. But I thought what better place to record nostalgic thoughts in my life than on Tumblr – full of my best and worst writings over the years?
The past year has been... insane. I never felt prepared for any of it, but things fell into place somehow and I come out alive and kicking. The challenges I have faced have exhausted me, chewed me up inside and typically a real growing pain. But it seems it was just a recipe for a strong cocktail to quench my thirst for growth. #parched
About a year ago, I was travelling, having a relatively great holiday in Japan. It was a highlight during the crazy storm of the second half of 2018. I spent those months heartbroken, living with the anxiety of our family dog’s illness and imminent passing, trying to produce my debut theatre show and dealing with the drama of the drama, working a 9-5 job plus working weekend events, and trying to enjoy a holiday. Oh, I did great for myself didn’t I? *facepalm*
Oh, and lucky me, an intellect – I decided that yes, I could go on another small trip - a 5-day long weekend to Tasmania. Because it was my friend’s birthday and I wanted to go to Tasmania and I thought I could do it all. Then my dog passed away the week before and the person I thought was my friend was being really unnecessarily mean to me. And it broke my heart, again. </3
So why am I talking about all of this a year later? Because the trials and craziness of that period set me up for a much more successful year in 2019.
If there was a theme for this year, it would be the year I had to speak up. There were many times where I had no choice to speak up to be victorious in what I was doing.
Work was insane at the start of the year directing an international event – having to own my role on an international platform was so scary, but necessary for effective leadership. After the event and a bit of rest, it was a mad rush to catch up with other work and try to get ahead of it before a big month-long trip to South America...
The trip to Sudámerica was the best one ever! It was the first time I did not experience homesickness and was actually keen to continue travelling. It also became evident to me how much of my life I felt suppressed by the distractions I had in my life – from work and all my hobbies to being so heavily involved with my community networks. We were also in a place where we had to learn to speak up for ourselves – and try to keep up with all the español we had been practising beforehand haha. I managed to seek help and got ourselves out of a taxi rate scam, and we had to get better at asking for directions since internet wasn’t always available where we were. But I am ever-grateful for my travelling companion who was patient and easygoing (except when she was really ill from food poisoning; that was a tough day), especially after being burnt on a previous trip... But hey, I would have never taken an interest in the continent had that mean friend not tell me about her experience in the continent years ago.
The cool thing was making new friends from around the world, who were travelling through a similar path to us. We messaged and gave travel advice to each other, and even organised meals and catch-ups along the way when we were in town at the same time. It felt like such a normal thing at the time – but it was actually amazing to be able to connect with people so quickly! Despite everyone’s warning, we did not have a horribly dodgy experience, or ever felt unsafe, except with the one taxi driver in Santiago, Chile and sometimes walking really fast through town at night.
What else happened... oh yeah!
I came home feeling like an alien, I didn’t feel like my house was my home anymore. It felt unfamiliar and confusing. When I caught up with family and friends and they would ask me about the trip and I would tell them, but I can see they lose interest because my words could never convey or match what I actually experienced. Also, not many people I know, know much about the continent anyway.
Something shifted within me during the trip, I felt more comfortable to express my opinion, thoughts and felt more confident to make decisions for myself. You’ll be surprised what the universe throws at you once you decide things. For instance, my heart was quite open after coming back from the trip, and I actually found myself being attracted to more people overall... Like it was a lot easier for me to embrace a person and consequently, find them attractive...?
So on the trip, I met various people, and after coming home, I noticed things in different people. And it was kind of fun getting to know people a bit better – even though the end goal was not a relationship or anything serious! But the fun died when work got crazy again and theatre rehearsals were going into full swing.
Producing, directing and acting in the same theatre show – that you also co-wrote as well – I would not recommend it. While it is possible, it definitely took a lot of sacrifices to make it happen. I was using work resources to do some administration and marketing for the show, All my hobbies were put on hold, I did not exercise much, I was stress-eating and almost not fitting into my costumes. I also had no idea what my acting was going to be until a week before the performances. Moreover, I was balancing between supporting my fellow castmates as friends, while also trying to set deadlines as a producer of the show.
We did 5 performances in a week, which was ambitious and everyone thought it was crazy (I didn’t until I look back at it now...) But I could see the cast enjoy the process of making every show better than the last, and we were able to pull off amazing performances in the end. Knowing that I could help give that opportunity to the actors made all the late nights of effort worth it.
I also spent most of the year pretty busy with work, trying to train a new staff member in my role and supporting him in working events. At times, I don’t feel I’ve been compensated enough for the extra work I’ve been doing. It has been a battle between heart and head once again. However, I am looking forward to my new role – so much so that I would hang around a little longer to see some of my project ideas hopefully come to life. Looking forward to having some weekends back in 2020!
And, now we reach this point; the NOW. Being back here, online ranting about my year of highs and lows. But there was a point I also wanted to say...
In times of great challenge, I look to my support network for encouragement. What I can see now is that there are people who are really there for me, through and through. And others who are there for me when it is convenient for them. Can I really complain? Maybe not. Maybe I am just as guilty...
But this is also when I realise, I need to let go of not just things, but people too. I find myself always missing good ol’ days when I was close to person A, or always have good chats with person B. But really, LIFE GOES ON. People don’t stay the same, people make new friends and connections. In my case, people get married and have babies and make no time to see you except if you skip work it’s fine...
Low key it does upset me. I hate the thought of losing a friendship over time and space. But if I accept that I am not the same person I was, then can I really expect the people I knew then to feel the same as they did before?
So I’m using this time of quiet this weekend for spring cleaning – even online. In the digital age, I am sure people who want to remain in contact will do so. But I am not going to try and force a connection with empty air anymore.
It does not sound like a big thing, but for me, this marks a point of my life where I will say goodbye to the insecure, confused version of myself. And hello to a happier and more confident me, and the friends and opportunities that come with it.
THE END OF A LONG-ASS BLOG. BUT THAT IS 12 MONTHS SUMMED UP FOR YOU RIGHT THERE.
ASTRONOMERS ARE THE SHITTIEST EVER AT NAMING THINGS I KID YOU NOT.
When it came time to name the two theoretical particle types that might be dark matter THEY INTENTIONALLY CHOSE THE NAMES SO THAT THE ACRONYMS WOULD SPELL “WIMPS” AND “MACHOS” I SHIT YOU NOT
I just listened to a talk by Neil deGrasse Tyson himself LAST NIGHT and he went on about this more than once.
“I’m walking down the street and I’m like ‘ooh pretty rock…’ and some Geologist is like ‘actually, that’s anorthosite feldspar’ and I’m like ‘Nevermind, I don’t want it anymore.’ Any biologists in the audience? [some clapping] Yeah, you know what I’m talking about. The most important molecule in the human body, what did you name it? It has NINE SYLLABLES and it’s so long that even YOU GUYS abbreviate it as ‘DNA’!
But astrophysicists and astronomers? No, man, we call it like we see it. Star made of neutrons? NEUTRON STAR. Small white star? WHITE DWARF. You know that big red spot on Jupiter? Know what we called it? JUPITER’S RED SPOT.”
I see your astrophysicists-are-shit-at-names and raise you Marine-Biologists-Are-Fucking-Maniacs.
See this beautiful creature?
It’s a carnivorous deep-sea sponge that lives off of Easter Island and never sees the light of day, as it’s about 9000 feet down. Those delicate-looking orbs are covered in millions of tiny hooked spines, which latch onto anything unfortunate enough to bump into it, and hold it in place as it is digested alive by the sponge’s skin. Amazing, beautiful and profoundly creepy. They could have given it so many cool names. Could have drawn on mythology (I think Scylla would have been an appropriate reference), the region it was found in, the textured skin, PHAGOCYTOSIS, anything!
When you know your purpose, inside and out, you will find a way to fulfil it.
I am not a perfect role model. Yes, I often am susceptible to drop a curse word or two irrespective of my environment, but I am fortunate to have a strong sense of purpose: to contribute with value in every moment of my existence. I am also fortunate to have quite a solid foundation now to understand how to accept my feelings and emotions but not enable them to influence my decisions and actions.
However, I realise that having the maturity in being able to separate emotions and personal interest to work in trust of others is not a given trait. In the space of 24 hours, my grit and personality were put to the ultimate test, where I had encountered some of the ugliest human behaviours in my life. I could have never seen it coming from people I once trusted and respected. People I grew up idolising or colleagues I worked with side-by-side (or at least I was lead to believe) began to reveal themselves as their cracks started to show. There was manipulation, hostility, arrogance, anger, greed, selfishness, righteousness - the list goes on. The only thing I could be thankful for was that there was no physical violence or cussing.
If I were to go down the path of being a judge and jury in observation of the drama that unfolded in front of me, I would dare say that these actions are not the example I would set for my children (if I parented any). But the fact that such ugly behaviour did come from parents had me very confused and frustrated.
Save for the bad behaviour and reactions from people, I have also seen the passion, dedication and compassion that is deeply rooted in every human being. I saw loyalty and friendship that I did not know existed. I could not be any more grateful for these relationships. Family, friends and other colleagues who were not very close somehow formed a united stance in the face of conflict.
Over this past week, I struggled to fall asleep at night, as I agonised over how to protect my family, friends, colleagues and the legacy we created together. I mediated, negotiated and facilitated open dialogues with involved parties to best of my ability. And in one week, I became an experienced politician.
When circumstance limited my ability to lead, it gave opportunities for my colleagues to step up to the plate - and my goodness, I could have never expected that from them. I worried so much about shielding them from the brutalities of conflict. But in the latest development, they ended up protecting me and my family and even vowed to protect our legacy together.
The experience so far reminded me of a something I learned about a month ago: The protection of the Mystic Law. A concept of Nichiren Buddhism and adopted by Soka Gakkai International (SGI), it said that if we protected the law - the correct teaching - we cultivate benefits in our lives and in correlation, we protect ourselves. My immediate thought about this concept when I first studied it was the doubt in my current efforts to protect the practice and philosophies of Buddhism. But now I see that my efforts are never wasted.
Benefits ranged from being able to have a courageous dialogue with people I do not necessarily like or agree with, to finding a car park spot and a table at a popular restaurant on a Saturday night in the span of 5 minutes. It sounds silly and naive, but I am 100% convinced that this is the workings of the universal mystic law and the phenomena of cause and effect in the physical and spiritual realm.
When I am steadfast in my faith, practice and purpose, nothing can sway me from actioning what I believe fosters the most value for myself and others.
-Passive aggressive
-Needs attention but pretends I don’t
-Likes to be pet
-Whiny
-Doesn’t know when to stop eating
-Needs to sleep 10+ hours
-Sheds a lot
-Lays on the floor where people are trying to walk
-Screams
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