A Playright

21. College.

[theunclearandtheunsettled]

Renewal

Here’s my annual birthday post: 21. In such a short period of time, so much has happened. I couldn’t wait to be 21, I couldn’t wait to have my hands on a drink whenever I wanted without feeling the guilt of being underaged and breaking the rules. However, after everything that’s happened, that’s the last thing on my mind. Celebrating my 21st has been barely an afterthought.

I wish I could know what’s wrong with me and why drama and bad luck seems to keep following me, but there’s no explanation for it. It’s something I have to be accustomed to, that now, anything that happens in my life can’t come as a surprise anymore. That doesn’t mean it hurts any less or that it’s easier to ease the pain. Lick my wounds, lick my wounds. For 21 years, I’ve been licking my wounds. 

Before today, I’ve been more public about my disapproving of my friends, and I guess the effect shows with their lack of voice in “my” day. And in my defense, I’m not saying I want everyone to greet me and I want the attention, but it is sad knowing your “friends” don't care about you enough to greet you happy birthday. 

I titled this post renewal, because I want to renew my life. I want to get away from the things that keep bringing me down. People who keep undermining my confidence, who publicize my insecurities and make fun of them. People who keep lying to my face, people who keep faking a smile. I lost myself at 20, and I can’t bear to lose the important people in my life because of the loss of self-control. The day before my birthday, my family got news that we would be losing our house in 60 days, I don’t think a birthday gift has ever topped that. 

I don’t wanna wish 21 to be a good year, because I don’t wanna have any expectations and I don’t want to be disappointed at the end of it. I’m just gonna say, I’m ready for you.

[theunclearandtheunsettled]

Issues

It’s not a surprise that I have issues. And I’m treating everything as a joke, as if none of it is real. I’m living this life without my feet on the ground. I’m floating, letting the wind push me around. I can’t seem to take grasp of land, no matter how much I’m stretching my feet, no matter how much I’m curling my toes just to feel something stable. I’m laughing through this confusion and pain, hoping no one will notice the dark twisted being inside, that being who’s lost all control of herself. So I continue to float, continue to float past the ones who are pulling me down, trying to bring me back. But as I look down and feel their tug, all I see is darkness shrouding them and reminders of why I let myself go.

These are good people, but I’m not a good person. I try, but I keep coming up empty. They’re all just words they believe, words to hide the shame I’ve become, covering up so they won’t see that I’m dancing with my demons. I am full of hypocrisy, daring myself to advise people the right and Godly way to live, shaming people of their sins while I soak in mine. I can’t figure myself out. I can't figure out if in my heart I’m actually being sincere or if I’m just trying not to ruin my validity, if I’m trying to prove something. 

I needed to be alone. I needed to let go so there would be no one telling me to be the person I need to be for them. I needed to establish whatever control I had left in my life to do the right thing for myself before being a good person to others. 

So let me be. Let me keep floating. Let me figure it out. And let me step back on the ground at the right time.

[theunclearandtheunsettled]

So What If I Am Writing Out of Anger?

It’s that time of the month again.. the week before the period. And this is for you, my words that scream out, “fuck you.” You wanna play this game? It’s the second time around and I’m taking my emotions out of it. I’ll kill you with kindness, I’ll make you confused like you did to me. I can’t wait until I’m 21, so I can finally drink you out of my system.

[theunclearandtheunsettled]

The Gray Area

I am 20 today, and instead of celebrating two decades of being alive, of surviving, I've succumbed myself in bed crying about my insecurities while the rest of my family are outside enjoying each other's company.

I wish... it was easier to distinguish the gray areas. Why can't everything just be black and white? He's doing this because he likes you. But I've forgotten the part where he's doing this because he's genuinely just a nice guy. And I'm having this out of body experience, because I actually thought that maybe this time, the guy I liked would actually like me back. I'm starting to be convinced I'm going to be single forever.

And I'm smiling and I'm laughing at how stupid I am, but the more I stretch the edges of my mouth to my ears, the more tears come out of my eyes. Once again, poor Bianca is heart broken. What's the difference? She finds out minutes before her birthday that the guy she's been waiting for isn't actually turning up at her door steps. 

Love is great, don't get me wrong. Love just never seems right for me. Never at the right time. Never with the right guy. And I keep going over the signs, the actions, and I'm telling myself, what am I missing? Am I really deluding myself into thinking it's mutual? Am I skipping over the parts that scream out "it's not you!" because I've been running over it again and again... But in my head.. it's me every single time.

For once in my life, with you... why can't it just be me? I still like you. I will still like you, no matter how much it hurts knowing... but it's not about me, and I just need to get over that.

Breathe, Bianca. This will pass.. like all the other times it did. Remind yourself why you don't spill your feelings for someone. They are and will ALWAYS be one sided.

[theunclearandtheunsettled]

Invisible

No matter how much I say I don't care, it still affects me.

I'm thinking back to the time when nothing happened, and I wish I could back to it. Everything just keeps blowing up in my face. No matter what I do, I have people who hate me. All I ever tried to do was help, but it went back on me. I can't trust anyone anymore... I can't trust anyone again.

I just need someone to listen to me, to understand. If I'm doing anything wrong, to tell me what I'm doing wrong, so maybe, just maybe I could fix it. But all I'm getting are turned backs, silent treatments, subliminal hate messages. I want to give up. I'm so weak.

There's already so much shit I'm going through, so many changes in my life, I don't need any more of this negativity. I didn't know how to tell my mom that the reason I didn't have any motivation to do anything, to get up from my bed is because I've been struck down. I've been continuously struck down for trying to help, for speaking my mind. I wanted to sleep, to forget it all, to wake up hoping that everything has settled down, hoping that every would be fine again.

It's never the case, and I'm being so foolish. I'd really like to be invisible again, because being invisible means no one can see you to like you, but no one can also see you to hate you and make you feel bad about yourself.

[theunclearandtheunsettled]

Sudden Urge

I've got the sudden urge to write, even if it's something irrelevant. Something has been telling me to share whatever I'm feeling and whatever is going on in my life.

There are no words for the roller coaster emotions that's been occurring within me. Maybe it's just boredom, or maybe it's admiration, but why do I feel a jolt or an attachment? I haven't thought much of it, and there's really nothing to share about it. Thinking about it now, and trying to find my truth for whatever I'm feeling, it's not an end of the world type. 

I know it's too soon to be too confident about saying I've grown up. What's meant to be is meant to be. If it didn't happen, then he wasn't for you, and He has someone better in plan for you. And I learned that this summer. I need to stop being sad about what I can't change and what I can't control. Everything is all in the plan, and I shouldn't put my wants over His. I just need to start trusting Him more.

Now, as I said above, this part of my life is the most irrelevant out of everything that's happened to me. i'm not sure I'm ready to share about those yet. I would need more time and more presence of mind.

[theunclearandtheunsettled]

Insecurity

Do we even wanna venture where my insecurities will lead? Let's begin.

Because everything begins with the physical appearance, because the first impression of someone is through physical appearance, because attraction begins with physical appearance... I don't think I'm beautiful.

I don't think I'm pretty. I don't think I'm cute. I think, when someone sees me, they don't think, "Wow, she's beautiful, I want to meet her." Most of the time, I think people look past me. I'm just another body, not worth knowing.

I don't like my lips when I talk. I don't like the crookedness of my teeth. I don't like my flat nose. I don't like my uneven eyes. I don't like my bushy eyebrows. I don't like my pimpled face. I don't like my wide jaw when I smile. And I look at myself, and I'm content. I've accepted myself, but the ignorance of the world hasn't, and I wish I was considered beautiful in their standards. I don't even consider myself beautiful. I've just accepted it.

The color of my skin is dirt when I get dark too soon because of the sun. I haven't been happy with my body for the longest time. I don't like my shapeless body. I don't like the fat folding in my jeans. I don't like the jiggle of my thighs. I don't like size of my arms. I don't like my smallest toe. I don't like my feet. I hate my feet...

Now that I've evaluated my outer appearance... I think I have a dull personality. I don't think I have anything going for me. I don't think I'm worth knowing. If my looks can't attract anyone, then I have absolutely no chance because I'm boring. I don't have a great personality. I'm mean and sarcastic. I can't handle small talk. I forget what I want to say, and ramble about irrelevant topics. I'm gravely misunderstood.

This is why I will never be anyone's first choice. I will never be a topic of interest. I will always be considered as an insignificant character. What am I even doing? Why do I even try anymore? In what world would I think that anyone I like will ever like me back? Why is that even a thought? I need to start accepting it. I need to keep denying myself the hope that maybe it's different. It's never different. It's the same results. I've gotten hurt too many times. I wish I can be empty. Wish for nothing, hope for nothing. Continuously distracted, never noticing, never making conclusions, never thinking. Guys shouldn't give me a chance, because I'll disappoint them, just like I continue to disappoint everyone. 

[theunclearandtheunsettled]

Myself

"I'm happiest when I'm being myself, and I'm myself when I'm with you."

I don't know why I'm acting so irrational. I've only known him after a few meetings, but why am I so sad? Today was possibly the last day I'll ever see him again, and every time I think about it, a heavy lump forms in my throat.

For the first time, I felt so much like myself when I was with him. I didn't act like someone who had to impress him. I was just myself and I've never felt so comfortable.. and with someone I hardly knew. 

He's such a genuinely great guy, and I feel like if I had more time with him, we could have been great friends. That's what makes me sad. He's graduating and moving forward and on with his life, and I never got the chance to truly get to know him. 

Even though the memories were short, he holds a special place.

"I'll still be around."

[theunclearandtheunsettled]

19 Things I've Learned Before I Turn 19

Tomorrow is my birthday, so in honor of my 19th birthday, I thought I'd do my own version of the 19 things I've learned before I turn 19.

Always be kind. No matter how long your friendship has been, or if you think that your friendship/relationship has surpassed pleasantries, it's not always the case. Not everyone will take it the way you mean it.

Write down your thoughts. Be open with your feelings in a notebook or any thing. There's always growth in looking back at your progress.

Temptation is strong. Don't let it control you.

Don't count on anything to be permanent, even the closest people in your life fade away.

At the end of the day, family will always be secure you in your life.

Always keep at least $5 in your wallet.

Compromises go a long way.

It's okay not to like what everyone else likes.

What you say or post is your choice, be aware of what you're letting other people know. This also goes hand in hand with whatever comes out of your mouth. 

Never expect anything to be perfect or the way you want it, it saves you from the disappointment.

Stand up for yourself, you can't please everyone.

It's okay to stay home than go out with friends.

People-watch. Pay attention to people, it's amazing seeing the mannerisms and quirks of other people.

Be open to try something new, even if you don't think you'll enjoy it.

Never let your anger make the best of you. Let the time lapse by before making final decisions.

Don't splurge on money you just received. It's okay to spend once in a while but remember to save more than you spend. Money doesn't grow on trees.

Don't cheat your way through your own goals. You will only receive a short amount of gratification.

Karma is real.

Although life is vicious, you haven't experienced everything it has to offer. Don't give up.

Happy birthday me.

[theunclearandtheunsettled]

Self-Awareness

I realized 2014 needs to be different. I'm aware of my priorities now, and it's time to take action. I need to start putting my priorities first and keep myself busy and on the move. I can't keep being lethargic and sloth-like. I need to keep God always as my number one, to keep myself focused and motivated. Lay off the temptations, seek Him. I want to be so engulfed in Him and my concerns that liking a boy would finally just seem like an afterthought. I know God won't leave me hanging.

[theunclearandtheunsettled]

A Little Late But 2013 Highlights

I know it's been a week since the new year started but I thought it'd be fun to share some highlights and look back on them. 2013 has been an interesting year, a year of firsts and of broken traditions.

Jan - I met Jack. I thought I really liked him. You can find him on "I Can't Be Silenced" Hmm.. I should write about the conclusion in that one.

Feb - My 18th birthday, which is supposed to be a big day for a filipino turning 18, but it was just a regular day. I take it back, couldn't say it sucked, but it was better than regular.

Jan-June - I liked someone who was two years younger than me and couldn't care about me because he liked my friend: Logan.

April - Franz, who didn't know I existed.

June - I finally graduated after four years of mental torture from the only place I hate the most. 

All throughout  March all the way to August, I've had the pleasure of stress  accompany me as I figured out how I was getting financial aid.

August - I finally got my permit. I also started college.

Sept - My first time going out with people I've never met to San Francisco where it was also my first time drinking and getting drunk. My first time sleeping in the same hotel room with two grown guys as my roommates. Yet, I've never had so much fun.

College was an experience. My first semester was a disaster. I failed a class and missed the final. There's not really much I can say about 2013. I had high hopes for 2013, but it's time to move on. Maybe 2014 will earn me my trip to the East Coast. 

[theunclearandtheunsettled]

Someone

I wish someone could listen and understand. Can someone just be straight up with me so I can stop living a lie? All these delusions keep getting the best of me. I'm tired of the expectations I put for the romantic shit that won't happen. One day I'm gonna be depressed and it's not gonna be good. I don't want to care for love anymore. I want to disappear. I want to go on a hiatus because I'm tired of caring. I'm tired of feeling like this. And I don't know if I'm just saying this because I'm gonna be on my period, but I feel like shit right now. I feel like I fuck things up a lot. I feel like I'm not good at anything. I tried to say something. I tried to show them. But no one comes to your rescue. No one knows you're really suffering. You only suffer alone and only you can find a way out. All the questions in my head begin with why... and I wanted to look up at the stars to find the answers but all I can see was the love you'll never give me. I think I found something I'm good at. Crying. Holding my tears. Crying. Being lonely. Pushing people away. No one's ever come close to him. And I know I'm over him, but I see him and all our memories return. The good, the bad. But through it all, I know I loved him and I still do. Whenever I see him, I want to look happy, so he knows I'm happy where  my life has gone. He shattered whatever perfect guy I've ever thought of him when we stopped talking to each other. I miss him. I still miss him. I wish he were mine instead. The old guy or the new? When either way, they'll never feel the same for me that I feel for them. Why do I try? Why anything? I always tell myself don't like anyone. It's not worth it. Don't fall for it. They're just being nice. And I delude myself to thinking Oh, they're being nice. Maybe they could be into me. when that's not the fucking truth! And I keep falling for it. I keep falling for the lies I keep telling myself so I could have the feeling that finally my love could be mutual. I don't need anyone. I shouldn't need anyone. I'm always trying to think that. And I'm always trying to act like that. I'm pushing you away. Pushing anyone away. Needs over wants. But I don't know what I need anymore. And I don't know if what I think I need IS what I need. I know what I want. The old will never be, but can the new be something? Can anyone? I stopped denying my feelings for the new and no one's even asking me about him. I don't wanna get hurt. 

[theunclearandtheunsettled]

Nothing Better To Say

The truth is, I'm interested in him and I want to get to know him better, but I don't think a door between us even exists.

Ever felt like the guy you were avoiding, the guy you definitely didn't want to end up liking is the one you're interested in? Yup. This is me. This is my struggle. And ever since I saw the excitement in his greeting when he saw me, I couldn't stop. Why can't I stop? 

[theunclearandtheunsettled]

Am I Happy?

I think for the most part, we're all trying to search for happiness. What is happiness? And am I happy? I think, happiness depends on the perceiver, because in all honesty, we don't need the extravagance to be happy, and happiness comes in all shapes, forms, and sizes. There's a big world handed to us, and even in the small things, it's possible to be happy.

If I were to summarize my emotional state according to happiness, would I say I am happy? When I have to think about what I have, there should be no reason for me to complain. There should be no reason for me to be unhappy. I'm putting myself through this.

Why does unhappiness and loneliness have to be so "romantic?" And who made it that way? What is romantic in someone struggling to make someone happy who chooses to be unhappy, just for the romantic endeavor? It's complete shit. I'm so tired of depressing things being labeled romantic, because I'm being drawn to it. Who can sweep me off my feet and make me their princess? Reality doesn't work like that.

And I fucking hate being on my period, because I know what I believe in, but I start to doubt myself, making myself incapable of love and joy, that my life is complicated and no one will ever understand me. And I've comprehended that, YES, my life is complicated, and TRUE, no one will probably ever understand me, but isn't that true for everyone else? And if we finally took the time to accept that, happiness is found everywhere.

So.. am I happy? Would it be hypocritical of me to say otherwise? I don't completely know the answer.

[theunclearandtheunsettled]

Nothing But Everything New

Finally a post where I'm not emotionally distraught.

I just wanted to update on my life. I don't remember the last time I posted on here, but I'm finally in college, and I'm liking it a lot. Actually, I'm liking my life socially. Education-wise, it's not going so well. I am not doing well in my classes, and I'm not doing anything about it. I wish it doesn't affect me in the future. I have no motivation for my classes, and I'm having so much difficulty adjusting to my classes. Maybe it's just the classes I took.

NTOS - don't ever take philosophy 100 and theater 110, because I am struggling. And I chose those classes because I thought they would be fun and thought provoking. Don't ever take a challenging class if you're not willing to put the work in.

Other than that, things are going well. I joined a club with intents on making friends and not to search for a guy. Everything is good.

[theunclearandtheunsettled]

A Chameleon Understood

I didn’t think I could go to sleep with these thoughts so raw running through my head. The truth is, I’m struggling with myself, that I don't know who I am, who my true self is.

I've been so busy being present in other people's lives that I've forgotten I had my own to worry about. Everything's been so wrapped up in my head in this delicate fabric that terrifies me if anyone ever tears through it. It's all jumbled up, a disaster in no order, where random words are just spewed out everywhere. Who am I? Because I'd like to think I'm one person, I'm this ideal character I want to be, that I want to see myself as, but I could be the complete opposite shadowed under someone I'm trying to show forth. Do I even make sense anymore? I keep pushing myself, "Be this, be this, be this," because I'm so afraid. I thought it wouldn't matter, and it was so easy to shove everything away, trying to make awareness out of things in order to conceal the pain. I just wanted it to go away--I'm going off on a tangent. Get back to the point.

I'm a chameleon, snatching personalities that would make sense to fit me. One day, I'm the color of carefreeness, camouflaging to the liberty I don't have. Then, I'm the color of individualism, my interests dissimilar with the majority. The fact of the matter is, I don't want people to see my weakness, so I've taken so many things from the people i've come across in order to fit the current situation. The problem is, there've been so many colors that I'm exploding, I'm two things at once, three things at once, that in the end, I just end up with gray-tired, lost. Am I making sense? This is so much better explained in the imagery in my head. I wish I could draw...

Why is it so important to be understood? I'm saying things, and I'm asking if I'm making any sense, because of the fact that I want to be understood. Why is that so important to me? Why does it even matter to me? To be understood. When it comes down to it, it's all about loneliness. Because being understood parallels to someone else knowing what I'm going through, that I'm not alone in this, that they're also experiencing it. Because when you're alone, you're helpless. No one can tell you the right things to say to help you. And that's the thing that's bothering me. I can't open myself up to someone who probably won't understand. I could spill my heart and soul to someone, and if they don't get it, it's like smashing myself open for no one to pick up the pieces. And I just want someone to pick up the pieces already, to tell me, "This is how the puzzle works. You're not alone."

[theunclearandtheunsettled]

Empty

There seems to be a feeling of restlessness that lingers within me, and no matter how much I brush it away, it continues to leech on to me. I feel my heart shaking me conscious from the inside, struggling to make me understand the hole gaping from it, begging me to fill it. But only question marks spell out, and I'm helpless. There's an emptiness inside me that I'm trying to solve, because to me, I feel like I have everything I need in my life. I've got my family, shelter, food, friends, and my faith, and yet, it's telling me I'm missing a different kind of need, a different kind of love, an unexperienced love.

I feel empty, lacking of it, and what can I do to supply it, when I don't even know where to start?