behind these castle walls

She was too quiet, or she was too loud. She took things too seriously, or not seriously at all. She was too sensitive, or too cold-hearted. She hated with every fiber of her being, or loved with every piece of her heart. There was no in-between for her. It was either all or nothing. She wanted everything but settled for nothing.

[thevickygreyson-blog]

ryan cotter‌:

Ryan just looked down as she yelled at him. “Maybe it started like that but that is not what it is, it hasn’t been for a long time” he said as he stood up and looked at her. “I’m not a good person, okay, I know that. I know I’ve done terrible things to you and I know you didn’t deserve anything I’ve done- but I am trying to be better, you know I am” he said as he looked at her. “I want to be better- that person that you met that’s not me, I’m different. Vic-… Please, I can’t lose you” he said as he looked at her. “You get mad at me when I lie to you and you get mad at me when I tell you the truth, there’s nothing I can do at this point. Please just…just tell me what I can do, I’ll do anything”

“I don’t know what to think anymore!” Victoria hissed, finding it impossible to believe anything coming out of his mouth at this point. “Oh, your intentions may be different, but your tactics are just the same! You’re still lying to me, you’re still manipulating me — that hasn’t changed at all.” She only grew more frustrated when he claimed that she got mad no matter what he did. “What the hell kind of reaction did you expect!?” she snapped and threw her arms out to the sides. “You’re a grown-ass man, I shouldn’t have to tell you that your actions have fucking consequences. If you had just been honest from the start, none of this would’ve happened! Believe me, it wasn’t easy, but I was willing to look past the fact that you lied about your reputation, your drug addiction and what you do for a living, but this?” she scoffed, “You weaseled your way into my life with your hidden agenda and had me completely fooled. How can you expect me to take anything you say or do seriously when I don’t even know who you are half the time!?”

[thevickygreyson-blog]

{ retrograde }

[thevickygreyson-blog]

cain wallen‌:

As she spoke he could’ve paid more attention but the one thing he held onto was how she imagined seeing him again? Why would someone like her think about some washed up teacher who turned into a dark world of pain and torture. It was an elaborate or dramatic attempt to get him to feel something but it just happened that he was good for it, made for it almost. As she brushed passed him, his body acted before his mind could give a signal. His hand went to clasp around her wrist. “Wait ––” he sighed, feeling the blood on the corner of his lips. “I have to clean myself up, I live down the street …. I can get you another drink.” It was a long shot. She wasn’t going to agree, if he were in her shoes he would tell himself to fuck off but he had to try. “To make it up to you.” 

While she hadn’t expected him to welcome her with open arms after all this time, she also hadn’t thought he would show her outright hostility. It only made her mood worse, so when he clasped her wrist, she was tempted to yank it back and leave. But although his action was unexpected, his offer was intriguing no less. Victoria stopped in her tracks and slowly pivoted to face him. Even if he’d had the upper hand, the debtor seemed to have managed to get in a few punches himself. Her gaze traveled from his bloody lips to his eyes, and she couldn’t help wonder what had driven him to become the man he was today. Presumably, she was better off not knowing, but damn it, her curiosity got the better of her. “Does that drink come with an explanation?” she counteroffered, arching an eyebrow at him. 

[thevickygreyson-blog]

{ retrograde }

[thevickygreyson-blog]

cain wallen‌:

He was gone and in hiding for more than a year and she still remembered the old sap he used to be. Why? Did it matter what did now or was it a lost cause. He pulled out the carton of cigarettes from his back pocket and stuck one between his lips, patting down his pockets till he found a set of matches, lighting it and taking a long drag. “What do you want me say? That I’m sorry? He owed me money and he made it clear he wasn’t going to pay,” he clenched his jaw, knowing that he’ll never get it now. He could’ve dragged the other man out but she stopped him. Why did she have to stop him? “I’m sorry you had to see that.”

To say that the words coming out of his mouth surprised her would’ve been an enormous understatement. It didn’t sound like the Cain she’d met a year ago and she certainly didn’t know what to make of it. “Well, let’s just say that this isn’t exactly how I imagined seeing you again,” she pointed out, a short humorless laugh dropping from her lips. “But you know what? I’m already having a pretty shitty night, and to top it off, I now have to go scrub whiskey off my dress, all thanks to you. So, I’ll let you get back to the whole identity crisis you got going on,” she said, gesturing her hand in a circular motion in front of him. “Sorry about your money.” The brunette gave him a sarcastic smile before she brushed past him to exit the dark alley. 

[thevickygreyson-blog]

ryan cotter‌:

Ryan sighed, looking back over at her. “I am your friend, Vic, I’m sorry” he said, finding that he apologized to her far too often for his liking. “If it helps at all, that plan changed when I got to know you- I wasn’t…I wasn’t going to do anything to hurt you” he said, but at this point he was sure that wouldn’t have helped.

Victoria, who had been pacing back and forth across the floor, came to an abrupt halt as she glared back at him. “No, you’re not! Are you hearing yourself right now? Our entire friendship is based on a fucking lie!” Scoffing, she threw her arms out wide, undeniably at wit’s end as she continued to pace back and forth. “Oh, well thank God my sparkling personality kept you from tossing me into the Hudson River like some disposable trash,” she snarled, her emotions growing erratic. “You’re unbelievable. How can you sit there and call yourself my friend after the hell you put me through? But you wouldn’t have the slightest clue what keeping that secret did to me, would you? No, lying to everyone around you and putting up a facade is what you do best.”

[thevickygreyson-blog]

ryan cotter‌:

Silence filled the air between him and he knew he should’ve lied about why he’d approached her. There wasn’t any recovering now, he was going to lose her as a friend now and this time it was going to be because he didn’t lie. “I told you you wouldn’t want to know” he said quietly, as he looked down, unsure of what he could say to her now. 

Her mind frantically flashed back to every single one of their encounters, and the more she thought about it, the more it sickened her. When Ryan broke the silence that had settled over them, she couldn’t help but scoff. “Right. So I could just go about my day, blissfully unaware that the guy I considered my friend has already mapped out ways to kill me if I snitched. Yeah, you sure did me a solid by hiding that from me, Ryan, how fucking considerate of you!” Her words were laced with sarcasm as she stood from the couch, too antsy to sit still when her emotions were in turmoil. 

[thevickygreyson-blog]

ryan cotter‌:

Nodding slowly, Ryan looked back at her. “Yeah okay that makes sense” he said after she’d explained further, knowing that he wouldn’t stop being self destructive anyway. He’d just have to adjust it around her. “Then I believe you” he said, closing his eyes for a few seconds when she told him to answer the question. “Okay um-…I don’t really…know how to say this” he said, taking a deep breath, “At the time, I had an employee by the name of Ezra, I’m sure you remember him. And it was brought to my attention that a young Victoria Greyson had seen something she shouldn’t have” he said, looking down. “You knew too much… you could’ve gone to police with that and I thought you would” he paused again. “I approached you that night because I had planned on killing you if you told anyone about Ezra, and it would be easier to keep tabs on you if you thought we were friends” he admitted.

Victoria didn't think her words would ever get through to him, but at least she’d said it out loud. Furrowing slightly, she tried to decipher his uneasy expression. Subconsciously she had prepared herself, but that didn’t stop her heart from missing a beat when he mentioned Ezra. Suddenly, the last piece of the puzzle fell into place. She'd had her suspicions for a while now but even so, it came as a shock to learn that the man Ezra had so rigorously warned her about had been Ryan all along. Someone who she’d put a lot of faith in, someone she’d considered a close friend for quite some time now. Perhaps she should’ve gone straight to the police. It sure as hell would’ve saved her a lot of trouble. Finding herself at a loss for words, she dropped her gaze to her lap, unable to look him in the eyes after what he’d revealed. 

[thevickygreyson-blog]

{ retrograde }

[thevickygreyson-blog]

cain wallen‌:

They talked once, why did it matter if she saw him and better yet, why did he want to say so badly instead of walking. But he had to, just a pretty face, that’s what he had to tell himself. But what if there was more. Shaking his head, he couldn’t think like that. It was a constant battle with his subconscious that he was losing. It’s only been a minute and his brain was clouded with questions in a wake that was previously clear. Pushing through everyone, not caring who he was knocking over and who he was affecting with his actions per usual. As the cool air ran over his hot skin, he finally felt like he could breathe, the air of the bar getting too jumbled anyways. But that air was cut with a pair of gold scissors handled by the same face that haunted his vision moments before. Turning around, his blue eyes shot for hers. “What.” 

Victoria came to an abrupt halt as Cain turned around, icy blue eyes staring back at her. It was like looking at a stranger — and thinking about it, she realized he was a stranger. Sure, it had been a brief encounter about a year ago, but the familiarity in those ocean eyes of his was absent when she’d looked into them. Something had changed, she just didn’t know what. Scoffing, she raised her eyebrows in surprise. “What?” Victoria echoed, a humorless laugh dropping from her lips. “You kidding me right now? You beat that man to a pulp and that's all you have to say?”

[thevickygreyson-blog]

ryan cotter‌:

“Would it have made you happy? If I was able to do it, and we spent the rest of the day completely sober” he asked, just wanting to know. “People get mad at me for not caring about people and then people get mad at me for doing things because I care about people- honestly I don’t get it. I don’t know what people want from me anymore, I would like to tell you that I see what’s wrong with it but I can’t say that I do because I don’t.” he shook his head. “Everyone says that they won’t judge you” he looked back at her, waiting until she asked her question. Looking away from her, Ryan felt his heart drop. How was he supposed to answer that? He could lie, which would make her hate him, or he could tell her the truth, which would make her hate him. He didn’t know which one was worse at this point. He was silent for far too long after she’d asked him the question. “Please don’t-..” he paused, “Please don’t ask me to answer that. You really don’t want to know” he said, hoping she would accept that as an answer.

“Not if you would’ve had to suffer through it, no,” Victoria replied without a moment's hesitation. “Listen... I know you did it with good intentions. But there's a fine line between being selfish and selfless, and if you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t be good for anybody else in the end.” Shaking her head, she couldn’t help but sigh at his comment. “Yeah, people talk a lot of bullshit, we both know that. But I meant what I said, Ryan. I know what it’s like to have an addiction only to be judged for it,” she admitted, lifting her shoulders in a helpless shrug. They rarely talked about this kind of stuff, but now wasn’t the time to take the easy way out. The longer it took him to answer, the more anxious she became. She feared that her sneaking suspicion was right, and once he begged her to drop it, her heart sank. “Ryan... just... answer the question.” 

[thevickygreyson-blog]

ryan cotter‌:

“I don’t want to hurt you, why wouldn’t I try to protect your feelings?” he asked, not understanding. “I try to hide it from everyone, it’s not something that’s exclusive to you. It isn’t something I’m proud of, I don’t want people to know and I don’t want people involved. I promise that this situation is far more humiliating for me than it is for you. You want to know why I don’t tell you about these things? I am deeply ashamed of who I am and what I do, and I don’t like people seeing it” he shrugged, thinking back to when all of New York learned about what had happened to him when he was 12. He was humiliated, and he didn’t want that happening to him again. “You want the truth? Ask me a question”

Victoria sighed, “ — and I appreciate that, but you have to draw the line somewhere. For Christ's sake, Ryan, you didn’t take your pills because you thought it would make me happy, and you almost collapsed right here in my living room — you don’t see what’s wrong with that?” Frowning, she shook her head. However, as he elaborated, she bit down on her lower lip. “I just hope you know that I wouldn’t judge you. I mean, we all have our coping strategies,” she reassured with a small shrug of her shoulders. She was slightly taken aback by his proposition, but she would be lying if she said she didn’t have any burning questions. “Uh, okay... well,” She contemplated for a second, before asking, “the night when we first met, why did you really approach me?” 

[thevickygreyson-blog]

{ retrograde }

[thevickygreyson-blog]

cain wallen‌:

He didn’t start it but it was a motto of his to end it. He couldn’t have people disrespecting him like that in public, especially not with him on top. The drug business in New York was run through him, he’s come a long way in the past year and of course now, when he was back in public, this happened. It’s not hard, you either pay and get your deal or you don’t and walk away. Why people argued was beyond him but it made him grow tired. As the first punch was thrown, his temper rose and he could feel his fist connecting to the others nose and jaw over and over. It would take a moron to speculate to find who was actually doing the damage. He lost sight for a moment, not realizing where his anger came from but within moments he was shoved, wiping around, his blue eyes found hers. He knew her, all too well and yet not at all. His breath became steady once again and as the bartender started to gather security, he started to walk towards the back where he escaped to the alley. He didn’t want to answer questions, especially not from her. 

Needless to say, Victoria was already having a bad night, but it was about to get a whole lot worse. As the man turned around to face Victoria, her mouth fell open in shock and surprise. Cain. She had to do a double-take to make sure her eyes weren't deceiving her. No. The face staring back at her definitely belonged to Cain, but there was a darkness in his eyes that felt cold and foreign. It certainly wasn’t the same man she’d encountered a year ago, she just didn’t know why. But before she got a chance to even utter a word, he scurried to the back of the bar. Glancing security, Victoria quickly decided to follow suit. As she turned the corner, the back entry door was inches away from closing shut. Pushing it open, she scoured the area. “Cain?” she called out as her eyes fell on the tall figure in the dark alley. “Cain!” Approaching him with determination, she threw her arms out wide. “What the hell!?” 

[thevickygreyson-blog]

ryan cotter‌:

“I meant that it’s hard for me to change what I’ve been doing my entire life. I have been lying to people my entire life, I can’t just flip and switch and suddenly be 100% honest, it’s not that simple” he looked back at her. “I didn’t take those pills today before coming here because I know it hurts you that I’m using and I thought I could go through the day without it to make you happy. When that backfired, I didn’t want to tell you what was happening because I thought it would upset you. The only thing I’m guilty of is trying to protect your feelings”

Victoria sat back, allowing him to explain himself. She wasn’t surprised by what he unveiled, because he’d done the exact same thing as so many before him. “You see, that’s just it. I don’t need you to protect my feelings, Ryan,” she stated, her voice calm but firm. “Yeah, you’re right, I don’t like that you’re using, but what upsets me is that you try to hide it from me. I'm not some fragile doll that needs to be handled with kid gloves, don't treat me like one. It's humiliating and frankly, it just pisses me off that you keep the truth from me because you think I can’t handle it.”

[thevickygreyson-blog]

ryan cotter‌:

“No- it’s not like that-” he sighed, not sure how to explain it. “I don’t want to lie to you, I don’t. But it’s not that easy for me to be open with people- you don’t get it. This is something I have kept to myself and not talked to anyone about for fifteen years, it’s not easy for me to change that now” he shook his head, looking back at her. “I may not be good at it yet but I’m trying, doesn’t that count for something?”

"No?” she repeated, sighing as he explained further. “If you think I don’t know how hard it is to open up to people, then you clearly don’t know me at all... I don’t expect you to talk about personal stuff unless you want to. But I do expect honesty,” she said, arching an eyebrow at him. “You tried to pass your drug withdrawal off as just the flu. You call that trying?”

[thevickygreyson-blog]

ryan cotter‌:

Still looking away from her so he wouldn’t have to see her face, he shook his head. “I-…I don’t know, everything I guess” he shrugged. “Sorry you had to see that, sorry I let you think I was just sick, I don’t know- I’m just sorry” he said, finally turning to look at her. “Is it too much if I ask that we don’t talk about what just happened?” he asked, really not wanting a speech about his drug habits right now.

"You’re just sorry,” she echoed with a disheartened scoff. “You know, I thought we were past the days when you would try to pull the damn wool over my eyes, but I guess that’s just another habit we can add to your list.” They locked eyes for a moment, but his request urged her to pull her gaze away as she huffed, “Whatever. It’s not like I can't expect an honest answer from you anyway.”

[misskathgifs]

[thevickygreyson-blog]

ryan cotter‌:

“No, it doesn’t matter I shouldn’t have yelled” he shook his head, keeping his head down. He had less control over his temper in this state, and he wasn’t very good at controlling himself normally. “I’m sorry” he repeated, still not looking over at her. “I thought I could go without it and uh….. turns out I can’t” he said, his voice just sounding disappointed. He finally looked back over at her to try and see what she was thinking. “….I’m sorry”

Victoria was at a loss for words. On one hand, she wanted to give him a piece of her mind, to berate him for letting it go this far. But it would be pointless, and frankly, rather hypocritical of her. Pursing her lips, she shook her head as he apologized over and over again. “— and what exactly are you sorry for?” she wondered, glancing him for a moment. 

[thevickygreyson-blog]

{ retrograde }

@cainwallen

Victoria wasn’t really asking for much; just a quiet evening in her favorite bar, enjoying a drink in peace after the hellish week she’d been through. But her tranquility was short-lived. Just as she stepped away from the bar to find a nearby seat, a couple of rowdy men broke out into a fight a few feet away from her. The guys were so busy fighting each other, they barely paid any attention to their surroundings. As the two plummeted to the floor, one of the guy’s elbow knocked Victoria off balance, causing her to spill her drink down the front of her dress. “Perfect,” she snarled, slamming the now empty glass back on the counter. Turning on her heel, it was apparent that none of the bystanders cared to break up the fight. Sighing frustratedly, she marched over to them, shoving the man who was now crouched over the other. “Get off him, you asshole!” she shoved him again, “get off him or take it outside, I honestly couldn’t give less of a fuck — just stop!”

[thevickygreyson-blog]

ryan cotter:

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell, I don’t want to scare you, I’m sorry” he said, calmly, still feeling like he should walk on eggshells around her given their strange past. He didn’t want to scare her again, and he was going to do anything in his power to make sure he didn’t. “I just really….really don’t want to go to the hospital” he said, having been there far too many times in his life for problems with his drug habit. Taking the jacket from her, he paused. “Just-…” he paused, looking at her. “Don’t hate me…please.” he said before taking a deep breath and pulling out a pill bottle. The bottle contained the prescription he got for his injured shoulder, but he was supposed to be off his meds for weeks. The doctors didn’t know about Ryan’s drug habits when they prescribed him the medication, but drugs that strong for someone with an addiction this bad was never a good combination. Opening the bottle, Ryan took two of the pills before closing it again and placing it back in his jacket pocket with a shaky hand. “I’ll be okay once it kicks in…” he said, his voice quieter now and he avoided looking at Vicky, not wanting to imagine what her reaction was right now.

“Don’t —” she said, brushing it off with a wave of her hand, “it’s okay, I know how much you hate hospitals.” Strangely enough, a part of her had gotten used to his sudden outbursts. Not that it justified his behavior by any means, but she was somewhat able to recognize and separate the times he was all bark and no bite. She’d learned that the hard way. Pursing her lips, she sat back down next to him and furrowed her brows once the pleading words left his mouth. Hate him? What possible reason would make him think that she would hate him for this? But it all made sense when he pulled the pill bottle out of his jacket pocket. She immediately recognized the label. It was the same type of pills the doctor had prescribed him when they had been at the hospital, after the horrific food truck explosion. “And here I thought you just had a nasty cold,” she muttered, a scoff falling from her lips as she pulled her gaze away from him. No, he wasn’t suffering from the flu, he was suffering from major drug withdrawals. She should’ve guessed it, and because she didn’t, she now felt stupid for thinking otherwise.