hey yall,
I am not trying to self-diagnose, I am simply asking if any of these symptoms are enough to consider the possibility of OCD, which also means pursuing testing
NOTE: my anxiety follows specific situations or pathways and it causes me quite a significant amount of emotional distress
• whenever something such as a stain as little as a spec gets on my clothes, I can’t wear it because I feel like it is completely ruined and obsolete (this is the least likely reasons so I’m not expecting it to amount to anything)
• I spiral into these emotional periods that last a few days to a week, but it has significantly got worse with some of these periods lasting 3 weeks. I isolated myself because I felt like I was inherently a danger to others because I believed that the fact that I was trying to be a good person is just to hide the fact that I might actually be a bad person
• When I was a kid, I would try to be the best person because my anxiety had overridden my body to the point I forgot about myself and made sure that everyone else felt taken care of. It was more so a cope because I would sit in my room for hours and convince myself that I was a bad person. I would wake up and send every one of my friends a positive quote. Anytime I would slightly inconvenience someone, I would send them a multi paragraph apology because I felt like I had committed the worst crime known to humanity.
• I am consistently so obsessed with the thought that i could be a bad person, and that are my ethics and morals go out the window because the thoughts get too loud. I’ll convince myself that it’s just my thoughts and that it’s not true, but it eventually overrides me.
• My past continuously haunts me, and I believe that I am the exception to every action others have made that has been forgiven. I wake up, get reminded about my trauma or something bad that happened in my past, and I convince myself that I am less than others in worth and that I’m hopeless. I don’t ever really think about “that”, but I surely feel like I’m worth nothing and that I’m useless and should hide away from the world. I’ve withdrawn myself from friends because I believe I am a danger to them, despite the fact that everyone thinks I’m too nice and harsh on myself. But, in a way, I also somehow believe that they don’t actually believe that, and that my mind is playing tricks to soothe my anxiety, which coincidentally makes it worse.
• I somehow convince myself that my anxiety is not real, and that I am ultimately overreacting telling myself that I’m causing others harm by believing that I have anxiety, when people have it worse. I often think that it’s fake and maybe I secretly, or subconsciously, want to feel. Therefore, my feelings are invalid, but it seemingly works as a loop, so it’s incredibly tiring.
• I seek out validation for these feelings, but then that validation makes me feel worse. It’s a temporary win, a long-term loss. I cannot stop myself from trying to find reassurance, find peace from others, etc, no matter how much I acknowledge that it is severely worsening my state of anxiety.
A lot of this stems from my trauma as a kid, and I believe that I cannot save myself from the lasting impacts that it has ultimately caused. I feel guilt run through my bones, anger fuel my heart because I didn’t stop someone from showing me something or whatever. I make myself believe that because I did not refuse, I am the one that is guilty of something, not them. I’m forgiving to everyone but myself.
P.S.
I do not wish to self-diagnose, I would just like to see how others feel about these issues. I’m struggling really bad. I used to think it was just anxiety, but this has spiraled way farther than just baseline anxiety. The more I acknowledge the fact that the anxiety may be of a bigger issue, I connect the dots in my past and realize that I’ve always been like this. My anxiety has always overridden by body.
I also struggled with religious situations with my anxiety, but I try not to remember them too much because it is one of the more distressing ones.
Please respond,
Thank you.