Father Maricón.

[theweeksend]

Also I only post on here cause I need to say it. But I don’t want to confront you. It’s not worth it.

[theweeksend]

And maybe it’s just that you’re not the persons I thought you were. Maybe I had you on a pedestal. Maybe I loved you. Idk. I kinda just hate life right now.

[theweeksend]

There’s only been two times I left your house feeling like I didn’t want to go back/ like I wasn’t really welcomed. I know that I’m too much for a lot of people. I just didn’t realize you also were of that mindset. I’ll just keep toning myself down around you guys.

I guess no one really wants me to be fully myself around them. Idk this one really hurts.

[theweeksend]

I went no contact with my family for a while. We’ll see how it goes.

The saddest part for me is that I just want a hug from my mom, and I don’t know if I’ll get one of those again, but I just want her to hug me and tell me everything is gonna be okay.

We’ll also see if the whole family stops talking to me. Cause at this point I wouldn’t be surprised if Antonio did too.

[theweeksend]

And there are times where I wish I didn’t survive the accident. And there are times that I wished the accident never happened. And there are times I’m grateful for everything. Today I wish I was dead.

[theweeksend]

Bro I’m straight up not having a good time.

Like all I do is argue with my family. Feel further away from my friends. Like idk.

[theweeksend]

I also should say, that at said orgy that I crashed. I was exposed to HIV and the doctor who talked to me, was like “yeah- you shouldn’t feel guilty about anything.” He was like “you didn’t do anything wrong.”

And idk that was really nice to hear and like I’m sure that he’s right- but there are a lot of weird emotions about hooking up with some one who is positive- but also like please tell people your status. And get checked regularly.

[theweeksend]

I crashed an orgy tonight, it was weird. More people were doing drugs than were having sex. It’ll be three years sober this month. So I’m happy I didn’t do any drugs. Also the person who invited me wasn’t there, and the people hosting thought I was too cute. Weird experience, and my car got broken into. They stole cds and my cigarettes.

[theweeksend]

Also since the accident my suicidal ideation has fucking sky rocketed. Like I seriously think about killing myself sometimes. And like I understand that it’s probably not that serious. It feels like every part of my life that existed before, now doesn’t. Idk. This isn’t how life was supposed to be.

I was taught that I’m only valuable because of my looks and sexual ability as a gay person. And now I can’t. Now Ive lost all value. Im a sunk ship.

[theweeksend]

I had an angiogram yesterday.

The good news: my blood flow is fine in my pelvis.

The bad news: my dick just doesn’t work.

Idk. I was afraid this would happen. I wish that the accident never happened. I wish this was all just a bad dream.

I was content on my own for so long- but starting right before the accident I wanted to be with someone. I wanted to spend my life with someone. But now. I’m afraid that I won’t find that. I don’t know if I’ll ever have a fulfilling relationship. And Ive never really been in a relationship like that. Idk. Maybe I’m just not meant to find love in this life.

[theweeksend]

I have an angiogram coming up. There x-raying my pelvis because my dick won’t get hard. Medical insurance isn’t gonna cover it. And like I honestly don’t know what to do. Cause I can’t afford surgery. I don’t want to put my business out there, (no one reads this) and like I also feel weird being like I need money on the internet.

I understand that I can’t be the one getting in the way of community, by not letting others, but like idk. Protestant work ethic, am I right?

I wish that guy never crashed into me.

[theweeksend]

I just wanna vent.

I am 28. I haven’t had sex in 4 years. 4 years. I was 24 the last time I had sex. I now am facing the potential of having to pay thousands of dollars out of my own pocket- because someone hit me with their car.

I shouldn’t have to pay money. This should’ve never happened in the first place.

How can I feel sexy when I can’t have sex. And like I enjoyed sleeping with men and women. And now what if I don’t shell out that money I’m gonna have to be a bottom? I won’t be able to do things?

And like after the surgery I’m gonna be what in my 30’s I wasted my youth worrying about being likeable. I’m not even a tease anymore. Cause there’s nothing to tease.

Idk. All I know is that I shouldn’t be crying at 9pm on a Monday night because I feel unsexy, broken, or less than. I

I hate my life sometimes.

[theweeksend]

I’m scared for the future. I truly am. I’m afraid that I won’t make enough to pay all of my bills and still have grocery money left over.

I’m afraid that it isn’t all worth it. I’m afraid that like there is no point in going through these motions.

Im angry at the man who changed my life forever. The man who left me to die at the scene. The man whose life is completely unaffected. He didn’t have to relearn how to walk. He didn’t have to have surgeries just so he was able to pee again. That man is probably capable of sexual activity.

Yet I’m sitting here in my apartment, not sure if my lights are gonna stay on, not sure how I’m getting to work the week after next, not sure if I’m gonna be able to keep my apartment past March.

I’m just really sick and tired of the hand that I was dealt.

[theweeksend]

I like the idea of there being a god so I have someone to blame for how shitty my life has been.

I really don’t see the point of living. Like it’s just gonna keep getting worse. I’m not saying that I deserve anything- but a fucking break would be nice. Like he healed all those people back in the day, he found my childhood friends’ mom’s keys. But he won’t heal me. He won’t take my pain away. He won’t help me out of this situation I’m in.

I know I’m gonna die alone. I know one is ever going to love me. No one ever has-

And yeah I chose to be celibate, but that was my choice. I hate not having autonomy over my own body. I hate that my body is different now. I hate that I can’t do things and everybody is like it’ll happen you have to be patient. But I’ve been the one who is living this. I’m the one who had to lay there bleeding out for 45 minutes. I’m the one whose brain is telling them to end it. I’m the one who has to what sit and be patient?

I’m tired of having these dreams where I’m healed. Only to wake up and not be able to run, jump, cartwheel, or get hard- like I could do things and now I can’t.

God’s never shown me grace, or love. He’s ambivalent at best and at worst he hates queers and Mexicans.

I can’t keep yelling, “I’m tired” into the void.

[theweeksend]

Not that anyone reads this, but today was surprisingly good. I’m pretty content

[theweeksend]

There hasn’t been a day in the last couple of weeks where I don’t start sobbing about how I don’t want to be here anymore.

And at least I have garlic to help talk me down from a ledge, but like fuck dude. I didn’t ask for this life.

[xoverit]

Foggy New Year!

Tacoma, Washington. (January 2024)