I sit here thinking about you once again. How did I get this privilege for you to be on my mind? I hate when you're on my mind. It physically and emotionally drains me. I thought you were gone, gone forever once you left. But here I am, thinking about, what are you doing, are you happy, do you still think of me? Why does it even matter, It shouldn't matter, but it lingers in my mind. 2 years and it still feels like we broke up last week. The bruises on my skin still fresh, the harsh words repeating in my mind; “you aren't masculine enough”, “you are too girlie”, “you don't understand” circle until tears are running down my face. I loved you, every part of you. I told you that you were enough, that you didn't have to change a thing because you were perfect. You took the parts of me that you didn't love and beat them out of me. The parts that I did love about me. I thought if I changed you would stay, you would love me a little harder, talk a little deeper, dream a little bigger. But here we are and you aren't with me. 10 years down the drain. I realize now we weren't meant to last. Ironic right? Our initials spelled out LAST. I wanted you, L*****, I guess I wanted the girl that gave me all these promises that filled me with hope for the future. I'm sorry for pushing you to want more. Maybe I should have let you do your thing. I see your social media and you do things, NOW. How Come you couldn't do that for me, how come you couldn't reach for the stars with me. I get it, you were depressed, guess what I am too. I still fought. I looked for ways to be better for you, but every time I did it wasn't enough. I told you what I wanted and I told you what I was doing for us. But you spent my money over and over. Stupid me believed that you would change. I prayed that things were going to get better. I prayed to god you would stop hitting me and to hold me. I prayed that we would work it out, that we would figure it out. Stupid me, right? These bruises aren't on my skin anymore, there in my mind. I'm trying to heal but I'm stupid, I check on you, I want to know if you okay! DOESNT MATTER! I fucking hate you some days, I fucking hate you, but then I crumble and want you to have everything I couldn't give you. But then I fucking hate you again. I want everything shitty in your life to grow, but it's wrong, so wrong … Right? I have a broken heart, that we couldn't figure it out, I lost a best friend because you are so FUCKING stubborn! Theses bruises will always be here because I can't get over it. Over you, not in the sense that I want to be with you, let's make that very clear. Its the fact that I never could make you happy. But it wasn't my job, but you put it on me. I was so young and you made me your caretaker. How does a 16 year take care of another person when they are just starting to learn how to exist in a world.
I want to forgive you, let you go and be happy. I am slowly learning. But I also learned when I write it down, that the things that you did to me are real. That I am not crazy that they existed. Some times I convince myself that they didn't happen and It was all a bad dream. I wish it was all a bad dream. I hope whoever you end up with can figure it out. But for now, I’m stuck thinking of you.
