I am broken without my dad. always have been, always will be. i can tell you a thousand reasons why I would be better off without him in my life, yes believe it or not this is probably the 1 out of 10 scenario where i actually would be better without him. but I’m not. i don’t give up. i don’t take the easy way and turn my head the other way, i take the right way. and there is nothing right in two kids growing up without their dad mentally and emotionally there. everyone talks about physical abuse but no one takes the time to think about the other two components that make up human life and interaction. yes, my dad is alive but he has never been living in my life for more than a good month or two. he’s been in miami since a week before my birthday. i’ve received two phone calls from him once on my birthday asking why I haven’t called him yet and once on christmas. I’ve called once since then updating him on my health prognosis of bartonella and my new job. he seemed very excited. when i asked him how he was doing and what he has been doing he said i’ll call you tomorrow i have to go....he never called.
I’m watching all my friends go thru ups and down in their intimate relationships as if every wave is the end of the world. as if a break up with a boy that wasn’t in their lives 10 years ago is the biggest and most detrimental thing that has happened to their mental and emotional health. these girls and guys are letting these relationships eat at them as if they actually matter. as if, this boy or this girl is actually going to be providing anything towards their success or health. i can’t do it anymore. i can’t watch people fall a part over a high school or college relationship. it’s not the end of the world. it’s a fucking rough patch. i have about 3 a day when I’m calling my mother to figure out how to pay for my doctor visits and medical bills not even to speak about how my student loans that are coming in already monthly because I have been out of school for a year already. or the reason why i’m not in school. hahaha i actually laugh because im so angry at life. these people have no idea what a fucking struggle is if it were to hit them in their face but i’m not here to take the innocence away from them I just am here to vent because when I vent to them their advice always makes me feel worse. as if, they even know how to deal let alone comprehend with struggles. it’s not to say that their life is easy or easier or better but it’s just that these kids haven’t lived yet. they haven’t seen the other side to life yet. so why do they think they can tell me how to think differently or better about a whole world they haven’t even been exposed to? i often act dumb looking down, tripping over my words, laugh, get awkward but truth is, not one of my friends actually knows what it’s like to be me. they get to go home every day, most of my friends refer to college as home now, another privilege I had taken from me, and get to think about tomorrow as if they don’t know whats in store. i go to bed every day, and cry myself to sleep in the middle of prayer asking god whoever he is to please let me wake up tomorrow and be able to see straight, or think straight, or feel straight. to not forget what my mom told me to do ten minutes ago, to not forget how to spell basic words and to not have the ability to want to eat bc you have such ptsd that youre going to get violently ill from food. but day in and day out nothing changes. there are no sick days or breaks or escaping when you’re sick. you’re always hurting you’re always in pain and there’s something always wrong. im sick and tired. and im sick and tired of having to put a smile on my face just so these people can live normally. i know its not fair that their innocence be taken, and that its not fair to always have to compromise and adjust their routine to fit the girls with lyme however, its not fair to me. its not fair to me because i know there are only 14 people in my high school that worked harder than me. only 14. theres only 50% of kids who have to deal with divorce. and theres only a few thousand people in the world who have a disease misdiagnosed enough times that it develops into late stage self limiting disease that is eating at your body, organs, cells, cranial fluid and spinal fluid every day. thats not fair. so please dont tell me what is and isnt fair when being friends with me, because no one knows what isnt fair unless they live a life similar to mine. and that does not mean going thru x amount of breaks up or having people call you names, thats ego pain. not real pain. your heart can break after a relationshop and there is a grieving period. i am not here to take that away from anyone. however, dont for one second you think that your pain has any relevance or similarities to my pain. and i hope to god, your pain never is similar to mine. i hope you can never relate to me because then you are normal, not lucky, normal. im not trying to look better or feel better about myself im trying to just be normal. to be able to wake up and not have the trauma of my dad and the trauma of having my life ripped out of my hands ruin my ability to start my day how i want. so please stop trying to make me feel inferior every time i talk as if you need to say the right thing to make yourself feel better that youre a good friend or that you have better than me, because you do. thats not the game i play, thats only how teenage girls think, not me. i just want to be normal. i just want to be able to know that if i work as hard as i can and eat as well as i can and workout that i will have it all, but after these two years i know that there will always be that slim chance that you have one gene or one bug bite capable of destroying everything you worked for and wanted.
a friend recently told me when venting about my father to let it go. to let it go as if i could get over it. as if i was meant to get over it. this is not just a boy that came into my life to please me. this is not just a boy that i made a few good years worth of memories with. this is not just a boy i can close the chapter to and move on. don’t think you can relate to some of your friends problems and offer advice in a field you have no experience with because that comment killed me. it made me feel as if these girls and guys are thinking their immature relationships give them a foundation of experience as to what life will hold. love makes you feel better, yes. it makes you feel loved, wanted, and cared about. some people need that. everyone needs that. however, it does not make you great. it does not make you knowledgeable about life. it does not make you, you. if anything all i have seen come from it are people molding and conforming themselves to what their ego thinks their significant other wants to see. your father, my father created you, created me. my father is half of me. his dna and genes made me and are what my body runs on every day. my personality, my sarcasm, my ability to make others laugh, my advanced proficient brain, that’s all him. my admiration and passion for baseball, the yankees and derek jeter is all him. my drive to push myself harder than anyone and wanting to succeed to the fullest, live life to the fullest, is all him. “work hard and party harder” he always said. he could say. could. he used to have it all. a family, THE job, THE house, THE car...millions....like stupid fuck u money. he bought us an arcade...a freakin arcade in our million dollar home. he was one of the most credible people on wall street even after the crash. my mom said she never worried about money or college or anything...crazy right?! until that one day. that one day where he showed up on the stoop of my mothers house crying because he had bankrupted himself and had no where to sleep or eat. just like that, my life got flipped. that’s how i felt when my parents told us we were switching schools in elementary school and exactly how i felt when my parents told us we no longer would live normal lives commuting back and forth between houses because they were getting a divorce. drugs will do that to you, especially if you’re trying to run away from yourself because you caused the divorce. and that’s basically what it has been my whole childhood: my dad running away from himself to the point he doesn’t even recognize himself anymore. his life is so drastically different than what he foresaw that he can’t even pick up a phone to pretend he cares. have you ever seen someone self destruct themselves to a divorce? to bankruptcy? to the point where they can’t even look at you bc you remind them of what they once was? to the point where they have to run so far away from themselves that they leave everyone including family, including their children behind? if the answer is no, then please...please don’t tell me to let anything go. i am not grieving over the loss of a relationship, or a boy not liking me, or not looking good enough to pull a guy. i am grieving because the person who brought me into this world doesn’t even want to live it in anymore or he would have changed a few months let alone years ago. it is clear to me today that my dad choses the easy path, not the right path. and for that, we are different. for that i will probably never forgive him for what he did to my mother, to my mothers life, to my mothers bank account, to my brothers mental and emotional health, to our future opportunity by taking our college funds. i used to want to never forgive him because of how much he hurt the most important people around me. however, it is clear to me now, that i don’t want any of this. i don’t want animosity or sides or tension. i just want my daddy. when you’re sick you feel alone. you feel as if you can tell your story 100 times an people will still never understand. but for some reason, when your mom looks at you or when your dad tells you to cheer up, it actually for one second makes you feel strong. makes you feel like you have something, someone, to help you thru the worst. my dad saw me on an iv every single day, he was the only home, because he told his work he was too sick to work even though he had perfect health and a very sharp mind. my dad wanted the excuse i had, and all i wanted was him.
i will never be whole, because of him. i will always be the glue to my bits and pieces that he left me to pick me up. the glue that lyme then destroyed and left me to pick myself up off the ground again.
timmy said isn’t this what I wanted? for my dad to not live with us and be out of our hair so we didn’t have to watch him self destruct himself after destructing us. he followed, hasn’t this been what your whole childhood has been about, wanting to escape your father?
i said no timmy, this whole thing, my whole childhood, the only thing i wanted, the only thing we (brandon and i) wanted, was a father. we wanted our father to want to be a father. to teach us, to expand us, to make us grow and shape us into better humans. to want to put us before him. to want to put us before alcohol. before coke. before women. but hey the rolling stones (ironic) taught me that you can’t always get what you want.
so no, I will not let the fact that my father will never be a father go. I will never get over it. because, you only get one dad. only one. fathers dont come and go at times of stagnation to make you smile and feel loved. they’re supposed to be your biggest teachers in life. you’re biggest role model. you’re number one fan. well, the only thing my dad taught me was everything not to do when faced with the choice, live free or live easy.
“daddy wasn’t there to take me to the fair. it seems that he doesn’t care, daddy wasn’t there”
gummygunk
stormborns
pixelskylines
turnnoffyourmind
