Left, left, left. Hmm, maybe. Left. I fucking hate online dating. This is so stupid. Out of 50 matches I think half ghosted me, another 10 turned out to be creeps, and the others are just boring or take 3 business weeks to reply. It’s rough out here.
Left, right…oh? He’s cute. Local. Actually has some substance on his profile. Right. “It’s a match!” I give it a bit before I message because 1. What’s the point? And 2. Let’s not look too desperate.
“Hey! How are you?” Generic, simple yet effective…I hope.
“Good! How are you? I’m just finishing up work.”
We continue talking and I’m glad the conversation flows, but I’m sick of it always going nowhere so I put my big girl pants on and ask to meet.
“How about this Saturday?”
“Saturday is perfect.☺️”
A moment later, I get another message. “I do want to let you know that I’ve put on some weight since a few of those pictures, but I’ve already lost 10 pounds and I’m working on losing more.”
Fuck. Pretty sure my heart just skipped a beat. I so badly want to ask for an updated picture but I don’t want him to take it the wrong way, like I might be thinking of canceling or something.
Finally, I respond “Oh, that’s fine! That doesn’t bother me at all. Thank you for letting me know. I can’t wait for Saturday!” Cool. That’s a totally normal and appropriate response. He can’t know that I like bigger guys. He’ll think there’s something wrong with me, which there probably is, but that’s besides the point.
Saturday
I haven’t met someone from a dating app in years. I’m so nervous but trying to convert it to excitement.
He texts me when he’s at the restaurant and I’m surprisingly not running late, he reassures me that he’s just running early and got us a table. I take a deep breath before I walk in. I smile at the hostess and glancing around, I see him. Eyes a deep shade of blue look even brighter in person. Handsomely dressed with a cream button down and his smile lights up his whole face when he sees me. He stands to greet me and I can see why he used recent pictures of his face. Still slim and almost chiseled features, but when he stands up…he’s definitely chubby. Smartly dressed with vertical lines, he’s probably even bigger than the shirt would convey.
“Hi!” I can’t resist going in for a hug, not just because he looks delectable, but because I really am a hugger.
“Hey, it’s so great to meet you.” He squeezes me back and I can’t help but smile.
The conversation is even smoother than I had hoped for, easing my nerves. It’s hard to pay attention when I want to glance down at his body. Get a hold of yourself. He’s not even into this.
As we’re finishing dinner, the waiter asks if we’d like dessert.
“What do you think?” He asks.
“Hmm, do you like tiramisu?”
“I do! Clearly.” He pats his belly and I have to look away. Stop being fucking weird! You’ll scare him off!
He looks away, clearly embarrassed. Great. I’m already messing this up.
“alright, will that be one or two?” The waiter asks.
Before I can say anything, he answers, “Just one. Thank you.”
“Wonderful, I’ll be back with that in just a moment.” I try to make eye contact so he knows it’s okay, but his eyes avoid mine.
Thankfully, it’s not long before the conversation picks back up and before I know it, the waiter arrives with the tiramisu.
I take a small bite. “Oh it’s so good!” Try it!” I almost scoot the plate across the table but instead, I cut off a piece with my fork and reach across the table, bringing it to his lips. He hesitates. I can’t quite read his expression. It feels deeper than it is, I remind myself. But why didn’t he just take the fork?
I asked “Do you like that?” Instead of “do you like it?” It wasn’t on purpose. It was instinctual. His eyes lit up like he wanted to say something. I could feel it. He finishes the bite.
“Yes, it’s very good. Thank you.”
He keeps his gaze on me. I’m trying not to react. Am I crazy? Or is he enjoying this…
“Can I have more?” His voice was an octave lower. It was as if he read my mind. I can’t describe the look in his eyes when he asked, but I felt it. He wanted me to feed it to him, and I did.
“How is everything?” I almost jumped out of my seat. The waiter materialized out of thin air.
“Amazing. Thank you.” I answered as he finished his bite.
“Fantastic. Can I get you anything else?” I want him to answer. I look at him and he hesitates.
“I mean, I don’t see how I can leave here without my own.” Right answer.
I haven’t taken my eyes off of him, but I’m worried he might be regretting this.
“You okay?” I halfway don’t want to hear the answer.
“Oh yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about my diet.” Fuck. I was wrong. I shouldn’t put my own twisted fantasies onto him. What’s wrong with me?!
“It’s okay to have a cheat day.” I don’t know what to say.
“Yeah, I guess you’re right.”
“It’s bulking season!” I try to lighten the mood and manage to get a grin out of him.
The waiter brought the second piece and between the nerves and regret, I was definitely not hungry anymore.
“I should have offered to split it; I’m full.”
He answered, “you can take it home if you’d like.”
“It’ll be too soggy for me. You can have it?”
He finished his bite but I couldn’t tell what he was thinking
“If you’re still hungry,” I added nervously.
The shade of blue in his eyes deepened. “I’d hate for it to go to waste.” And after another bite, “God, this is so good.”
“I’m so glad you like it! Especially since you’ll have to finish mine.” I laughed, trying to hide my real feelings about it.
After we finished, he walked me to my car but I didn’t want the night to end.
“I had such a great time.”
“Oh my gosh, so did I.” Even better than I expected. I stood with my back facing the car looking up at him. He looked so handsome. I wasn’t ready to leave. Please, please kiss me.
And he did.
My hands had a mind of their own and gravitated to his sides. I pulled myself as close as I could into him, feeling his strength covered in softness. I could taste tiramisu on his tongue and wanted more of him. I couldn’t get close enough.
He pulled away and after a moment, I sank into him. He wrapped his arms tightly around me and I could feel him finally start to relax. I smiled into his chest, listening to his heart pounding. This time I pulled away, unsure of what to say but wanting to say something.
“Hey,” his smooth voice cut the silence.
“Hi,” I squeaked out, ducking under his chin where I felt safe.
“You know, I was so afraid to meet you.”
I pulled away again to look at him. “Why?”
“Because…I haven’t dated since I started gaining weight. And I didn’t think we would match.”
“Why not?”
“Well, because you’re very fit. And I know I’m not that overweight but-“ he looked like he instantly regretted starting.
“But what?” I think he wants to tell me but doesn’t know how.
“But,” he gulped. I wanted him to feel safe. I held his sides.
“It’s okay,” I assured him, but he remained quiet, his expression dejected.
“It’s okay,” I repeated, fingering his belt loops to draw him in closer. Redness creeped in his cheeks.
“It’s cute when you get shy.” I couldn’t take my eyes off of him.
“Do you like it?” He asked abruptly, as if he was trying to get it off of his tongue.
“Like what?”
“Um, you know, never mind.” He pulled away, clearly trying to hide his embarrassment. I just wanted to be close to him. I wanted him to know it was okay.
“No, tell me.” I didn’t want to lose this moment. “Please.”
“Oh my god.” He stepped back in exasperation. “God, I’m sorry.” He shook his head. Fuck it, I’ll say it.
“I do like it, though. If you’re referring to what I’m thinking.” I hoped my voice didn’t shake, but I said it. I needed him to know.
“You like…?”
“I like your body.” I like that you’re bigger.” There was no room for misinterpretation, for wondering, for embarrassment. I’m so attracted to him. To his strong frame growing softer. To the dimples that form when he smiles. To the way his eyes light up when he laughs.
“I’m into what you’re into.” I feel faint. I can’t believe I just said that out loud. What if I’m dead fucking wrong?
But he kissed me. This time, I felt him let go. He stopped sucking in. He pressed my hands into his body. We were hungry for each other. My hands, with a mind of their own, ended up to where his stomach had just started to hang. He moaned quietly into my mouth and I couldn’t help but smile as we kissed.
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