Untitled

[things-i-cannot-speak-out-loud]

I meant it to be fixed but it got worse

This is in relation to my previous post.

Time: 12:16am

Wee hours but I decided to type again about this nagging feeling I can't seem to put off.

After a good meal in this rainy night with neutral friends, I'm feeling better than yesterday. Willing to shrug everything off specially when I'm seeing in her tweets that she is not okay with what's happening. She is still one of my closest and I just want to hug her and let all my "tampo" go away, just to clear everything out since deep in me I felt immature for feeling that way towards her, but like what I just said last time, "I'm just human".

I did hug her out, she even cried and can't contain her tears. Other baristas are telling me that my friend is bothered by the situation and my friend keeps telling them that I'm ignoring her (well that's true). When she had her time she persistently asked me if I was mad, I kept on saying no. I'm not mad. "Distant lang?" she asked. I said tampo lang ako, not elaborating why. But she get it I know. That's why she responded by trying to tell what happened cause the Barista I'm can't follow to our conversation. And that unfolds every details that I hope I didn't hear. Kaya pala she's asking bakit sa kanya lang ako tampo. All the one's that I thought wasn't there find a way to be there all except me. Funny isn't it. All because of the past issue. And while telling the details even though I tried to stop her cause I know clear enough what's the reason why I shouldn't be there. She slipped and said something like Di na ko sasama bukas nagyayaya kasi ulit, something like that and shushed thinking she might offend me or I might get mad again, but Alas! That triggered me. Even if try to calm myself and convince myself this is just nothing, I shouldn't be affected by this, but honestly I am. She even invite me to drink with her but I declined. Feel that? I declined. I feel most betrayed maybe because I expected more of her, I know I can't expect her not to hang out with them particularly him (they were the pioneer team and I am just an outsider), but this SUCKS.

Maybe this is my Karma, to those times when I choose to hang out too with my friends ex when the time they broke up, defending the reason that they both are still my friends. Or this is my Karma from my sister, whom I am still close with the guy he dump over.

Karma indeed.

[things-i-cannot-speak-out-loud]

I’m back from the grave

It’s always the intense emotions that keeps me coming back to Tumblr.

I feel like this has been the emotional dumpster (more details but still keep it anonymously). My Facebook has been mu public face I really should watch what I post there, my Twitter is my emotional dumpster also but I tend to write there cryptically, but here, here is where I want to elaborate it more.

Okay, what triggered me to write again here in Tumblr?

Well, I’m feeling shitty. Aside from crying (in public and in private) I think putting it here would keep me sane. 

Not to reveal any identity because this person is still important to me (I don’t know if it’s mutual tho, or we’re at the same level). I kinda felt betrayed? I dunno if this the exact feeling that I’m feeling right now. Choosing the other friend (whom I had history with) over me. In the first place why would they make plans? O well. I guess that can’t be helped since he’s a common friend and an ex co-worker. But still does our closeness and friendship didn’t matter? Am I really that easy to drop and let go. The same exact thing that guy did to me? Barge into my life, be close to me (too close actually) and then toss me when I’m no longer interesting and far from them. Should I feel guilty for feeling this? Do I have the right to feel this?

I dunno. 

I’m just human.