Things I might never say to her.

A series of messages, things I think about her or things I want to say to my ex girlfriend, but might never get the chance to now that we've broken up. Basically, a place where I can write things about my journey through the breakup, emotions, moving on...anything and everything.

[thingsimayneversaytoher]

You saw me completely naked, and I've realised...the fact that I let you means a lot...You think I mean naked as in clothless? I don't. I mean naked in the sense that I opened up to you, I laid myself bare to you, you know me. You know my hopes, dreams, likes, dislikes, habits, you know about my childhood, some of my stories, you know what I'm passionate about, my values and what makes me cry...you know ME. Actually, no. You knew me. I’m different now. I think it would shock you to know that now...you don’t know me.

[thingsimayneversaytoher]

I think I was attached towards the end. You should never attach to a person or object. They won’t be around for ever. Everything really is temporary, nothing is permanent.

[thingsimayneversaytoher]

There's no true love, or happiness that isn't preceded by pain. You need pain and negative things to happen to show you just how good the good things are. How good things were...but I think it might be time to let go of that now. 

You said you wanted to be friends with me, but I don’t think either of us can truly be friends, not sincerely. After what we shared, that connection,that trust, that love...I don’t think we I can detach from those romantic/lustful feelings, and that heightened feeling of concern, and caring for you. That, in essence, means that the friendship can’t be entirely genuine...at least not from my end. I won’t apologise for that though - I won’t apologise for caring about you. I just want you us both to be happy, and I think that can only happen if we’re not in each others lives anymore, only as memories. At least for the time being. Maybe eventually we’ll meet again and the timing will be better, but right now....I just can’t. I need to give you your things back, get some things off of my chest and just...exit your life. 

[thingsimayneversaytoher]

You will always hold a piece of me, that I’ll never take back, even if I wanted to.

[thingsimayneversaytoher]

They say nothing is accidental. That everything happens for a reason. You never meet people accidentally, they're all meant to cross your path, and you theirs. So if there is a reason for everything then that means there must be a reason for you being in my life. Whatever that reason is, I'm glad we crossed paths. 

[thingsimayneversaytoher]

At first...

At first, I didn’t think I’d get past the longing I had for you to be back in my arms, past hoping to see my phone light up with your name, past feeling the need to hear your voice. I didn’t think I’d be able to cope without our inside jokes, our conversations about nothing (all of those nothing’s meant everything), past the simple, yet complicated want to just have your company. I didn’t think I’d make sense without you, but I think now I make more sense than I’ve ever made in my life. I’m doing my own thing, living my life for me, finding happiness within myself. Not allowing anyone else to define it anymore…and I actually feel amazing for making all of the changes I have.

I’m becoming the most authentic, truest version of myself, the person I want to be. My ideal self. I think that’s amazing, and I’m doing it on my own. I’m slowly rebuilding my life the way that I’d like it to be, and I’m so much happier for that. I wouldn’t have started this journey without you though, without being knocked down to my rock bottom, I wouldn’t have needed to find my strength and show myself that I can do this. So I have you to thank for making me rethink myself, and my life and becoming a better person for it.

[thingsimayneversaytoher]

I’m moving on, getting used to not having you around. I’ve even got a date with someone else tomorrow evening, and yet...I don’t feel the butterflies you usually get before a date...no nervousness...I don’t know whether that’s because I’m just not that into him, or because I still miss you. 

[thingsimayneversaytoher]

You’re a very guarded girl, and you’ve had a lot happen to you in the past. You’re strong, independent and like time to yourself from time to time doing your own thing. You never needed me in your life, you don’t NEED anyone. You wanted me there, and that’s a beautiful thing…the one and only thing I guess you could call a regret on my part is the fact that I lost sight of that simple fact. For that, I’m sorry.

[thingsimayneversaytoher]

Maybe...

So I sent you a text today, the first form of contact we’ve had in over a month of silence...now we’re having a conversation, and it’s nice. I know it’s only just starting, so I’m not going to think too much of anything, but baby steps, I think we’ll be okay. Maybe even have a stronger bond than ever, eventually. Maybe we can be better, maybe...

[thingsimayneversaytoher]

I know this will never be the same as it was, and I don't know about you but I wouldn't want it to be.

Being away from you, unlinked from you...my single self again has made me realise that I don't need you to be happy, I get happiness from myself doing my own things, but you do did make me happier. So no I don't need you, I want you in my life, be that as a friend or as my significant other. I'm using that phrasing rather than girlfriend for a reason - remember when you used three words to describe how our relationship used to make you feel? One of your words was significant, I've never forgotten that, and I never will. 

Whatever happens now, I’ve realised that all I want for you is for you to be happy. Be that with or without me in your life, as difficult as it would be I know that I’d be okay eventually. I know that because I’ve finally found peace within myself. I’m stronger, and much happier with myself now, I guess if I’m honest I have you to thank for that. Without this breakup, I wouldn’t have been forced to re-evaluate myself in the way that I have, and wouldn’t have changed the things about myself that I realised I wasn’t happy with. Whatever happens now, I hope you’re made to feel significant again, just like I used to make you feel. 

[thingsimayneversaytoher]

Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.

Albus Dumbledore (Prisoner of Azkaban)

[thingsimayneversaytoher]

I think I began to lose myself in the pursuit of becoming the thing I thought you wanted me to be.

[thingsimayneversaytoher]

You're the first person who has ever straight up called me out on what I now consider to be my bullshit, and yes, I will admit that you inspired me to me take a good hard look at myself, and I realised I wasn't who I want to be. I've made some changes to my life, my perspective...a lot has changed, for the better I think, but one thing that's stayed constant are my feelings for you. No matter how far I've strayed, or what I do to distract myself, I still feel you, in here (my heart) it's like we're connected. Like you're meant to be there. Like a magnet, I’m still very drawn to you...

[thingsimayneversaytoher]

Is it weird that since you left me, I think I love you more? 

[thingsimayneversaytoher]

Imagine meeting someone who understood even the dustiest corners of your soul...I did because I let you come into my life, like the unexpected hurricane that you are, and you blew my marble dome clean off. I had an incredibly well encrypted firewall up, but I gave you the key and let you take it down.  I exposed my mind, my heart, my soul...my everything to you. I don’t regret that, I’ll never regret the trust that I had for you, and I’m glad that you let me trust you because even though it’s hard right now knowing you’re not there in the same way that you were...you showed me what it’s like to trust someone like that, completely, unconditionally, without limits or constraints. You know I’ve always had trouble with that.

I used to say that you made my guard come down...but I’m realising that the truth is...you let me take it down, you let me be myself around you, completely. You let me show you all of me. By letting me do that, you’ve given me more confidence than I ever thought I’d have in who I am, who I want to be, and who I will be. I let my guard come down for you, and you let me be...me. You didn’t try to change me, but anything you did say about me in that sense was to better myself as an individual. 

Now that you’ve left, I’m on a journey that I probably wouldn’t have admitted I needed to take, a journey that will actually change my life for the better. I hope that makes sense, because I’m so grateful to you for making me take those first few steps. I’m not sure you’ll ever appreciate quite how much you mean to me, how much you’re always going to mean to me. The only way to do that is to look at yourself through my eyes, but you can’t, you never will.

Oh but I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, even now, after all of this, I still don’t think too badly of you, in fact I’m at the point where I can think about good times we had, things that attracted me to you, and you to me in the first place and think of you with a kind of fondness. Even after being on this emotional roller-coaster I didn’t want a ticket to go on. That’s because...I care about you.

[thingsimayneversaytoher]

I could spend an eon choosing what to wear, or read a menu multiple times and still not know what to get. You know I'm never sure about anything. But I was so sure of you.

[thingsimayneversaytoher]

Nothing makes made me happier, and nothing has ever made me sadder than you.