Things My Husband Said

I have a husband. Sometimes, he cracks me the hell up.

[thingsmyhusbandsaid]

Husband and I had been dating for about two or three years. We were watching a movie, and a male actor that I like came onscreen. Then this conversation transpired: Me: “Ugh, I have such a man-crush on him.” Husband: “You’re a woman, you can’t have a man-crush.” Me: “OK, I don’t want to have sex or any sexual contact with him, but I would sit in a room with him for hours just listening to him talk, probably just staring at him like this.” *head resting in my hands while I gaze at him adoringly* Husband stared at me for a few seconds in silence, then- Husband: “You have a man-crush.”

[thingsmyhusbandsaid]

Just discovered that I am saved as “Dragon Goddess” in Husband’s cell phone. 

[thingsmyhusbandsaid]

“Why are you talking like Boyd Crowder?”

“OK, Boyd.”

“Sure thing, Boyd Crowder.”

Apparently, when I binge watch Justified, I talk like Boyd Crowder (played by the magnificent Walton Goggins) for a couple hours afterwards. I was unaware of this until Husband brought it up.

[thingsmyhusbandsaid]

Husband is sitting next to me on the couch, making quiet buzzing noises and fiddling with two miniature candy bars. He notices me watching him, and holds out his hand, very proud.

“Look, I put a 3 Musketeers together with a Milky Way. It’s a 3-Way!”

- things my husband said

[thingsmyhusbandsaid]

Having dinner with my parents. My dad and my husband are talking to each other about what it’s like living with me and my mental illness(es)- 

Husband- “I love it! It’s like having 6 wives in 1! If I don’t like the one I’m talking to, I just have to wait five minutes!”

~ things my husband said

[thingsmyhusbandsaid]

“I look like John Adams. Look at me! I look like a Founding Father!”

- said about his overly long hair

~things my husband said

[thingsmyhusbandsaid]

“A real man wouldn’t play that card. A real man wouldn’t even have that card in his deck.”   ~things my husband said

[thingsmyhusbandsaid]

“McDonald’s must have gotten a tax return. They fixed their shake machine.”

~things my husband said

[thingsmyhusbandsaid]

I say something to husband.

“What?” he asks.

I repeat myself.

“What?” he asks, again.

I, apparently, begin to look perturbed. He starts looking panicky, and blurts out, 

“I’m sorry! I’m half-deaf in my wife ear!”

 ~things my husband said

[thingsmyhusbandsaid]

“Honestly, a ball and chain sounds pretty good to me. Then you would never be more than three feet away!” ~ thingsmyhusbandsaid

- Said after a brief rant about people referring to their significant other as a “ball and chain,” in a negative light.

[thingsmyhusbandsaid]

“Even his voice is an asshole!” ~ thingsmyhusbandsaid

[thingsmyhusbandsaid]

Sitting next to me on the couch, and he lets out a very loud, very sudden, burp.

“Ahhh, I feel like I lost two dress sizes!”

[thingsmyhusbandsaid]

“You are a magical creature, like a unicorn! Or a Bigfoot!”

 ~ things my husband said

[thingsmyhusbandsaid]

Overheard my frustrated husband shout this at one of our dogs-

“You are a shitbird! A bird of shit!”

[thingsmyhusbandsaid]

“I can’t be responsible for a white sweater after the apocalypse! That’s just too much pressure!” ~ thingsmyhusbandsaid

[thingsmyhusbandsaid]

Husband- “Did you put little zombies in your desktop Zen Garden?”

Me- “Uh, of course?”

Husband half-shrugs - “That’s cool.” As he wanders off, I hear him mutter, “I married a wacko. Best decision of my life.”

[thingsmyhusbandsaid]

We were discussing the Titanic, as well as a few other things, and the subject of Feminism came up. 

Husband- “I’m more Feminist than you are! I can’t even watch Mad Men!”

(He can’t take the way that the women are treated on Mad Men. It makes him uncomfortable to the point of physically upsetting his stomach, and so he had to stop watching it. Incidentally, he was also raised by a single mother.)