Bagay²

Jannah's clumsy collection of creative writing and random ideas. Welcome to a depth of my bubble.

[thingsquared]

No, I will not tell you the words that my mind have been repeating over and over again

No, I will not tell because you will realize that there is a crack in my skull where not only can you peek of the cobwebs that have wrapped my breathing but there are also blades all fallen on the floor but you can’t pick them up lest you cut yourself, too

And I will not tell you because I know the words that hurt me aren’t even true

They just want revenge because they think no one has loved me right And all they need is for me to cradle them in my arms, in my heart “Everything will be alright”

[thingsquared]

But It’s Mocha

I said I didn’t like coffee How it keeps me up at night A wrenching in my tummy A bitter taste in my mouth But I find myself these times Adding chocolate teaspoons Funny, all seems weirdly fine In that bittersweet whirlpool Two articulated tastes One makes me smile and The other makes me ache I wonder how that’s even possible Bubbles forming the first letter Of your fascinating name I ask, when’s it gonna get better? But then the cup is rightly warm I think it’s both a Bad and good idea I laugh at my dilemma It’s still coffee but it’s mocha And i drink it anyway.

[thingsquared]

Calling

Once upon a time You called me Evil Because i hid Some parts of myself From you So i showed myself All the light that i had But you called it Unbearable So once again You can call me Evil

[thingsquared]

I looked at the mountains, and was in awe at their majestic silhouettes. But amidst their beauty, I felt an unusual anger. Angry at them for being so beautiful and majestic, so peaceful and serene, so far and great. Angry at them for looking at me with a kind and gentle sympathy, as if they knew my secrets, as if they knew something about myself I did not know.

[thingsquared]

If I live to be a hundred

One evening, I just realized that I do not want to become an old woman looking back at her life with regrets. I did not like picturing myself with wrinkly face and sagging skin, with blurry eyes that longed with a pained chest, for the things that I have ached for and could have done when I was younger.

It was much better to see myself with a bun of grey hair and a funny old voice but with so much energy to  surprise people about all that I can still do, catching them off guard with my silly life adventures.

I guess it is better for me to have this thought visit me, as I am still younger, as I realized that one day, I might live for that long and I want to remember my years with laughter and smiles instead. And if I leave life earlier than that, at least I am now grateful both ways.

[thingsquared]

Best Actress

I WILL FEED YOU ALL WITH LIES, AND YOU WILL PRAISE ME OF AN EXCELLENT PRESENTATION

I WILL PROSTRATE MY TEARS OF GRIEF, AND YOU WILL EXCLAIM “WHAT HEARTFELT TEARS OF JOY!”

I WILL OFFER YOU THE GREATEST PERFORMANCE OF MY LIFE, BUT THEN THIS WILL BE MY LAST GREATEST LIE

AND FINALLY, THE SHOW WILL BE OVER

THIS IS NOT ME, THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT

THIS WHAT I LEARNED THE HARD WAY:

“JUST BECAUSE I CAN, DOES NOT MEAN I WANT TO”

BUT WEREN’T YOU PLEASED WITH MY HALFHEARTEDNESS AND HYPOCRISY?

WHAT YOU WANTED WAS THE PERFORMANCE, THE EFFICIENCY

BUT YOU NEVER SOUGHT THE PERSON WHO IS ME

I AM SORRY

BUT I AM NOT SORRY

I AM A HUMAN BEING.

YOU WANTED EXCELLENCE,

BUT THIS EXCELLENCE IS HEARTLESS.

YOU WANTED PERFECT,

BUT THIS PERFECT IS BUT A SHAM.

I WILL SHOW YOU AUTHENTIC

I WILL SHOW YOU FREEDOM

I AM A HUMAN BEING

BUT HERE, HAVE A HANDFUL OF MY TASTEFUL MEDIOCRITY FIRST

[thingsquared]

An actual conversation

Mom: gibawal na rabaya ang manok sa manila

Me: ngano man?

Mom: birds flu

Me: grabe wala na jud koy kamalaymalay sa mga social something sa world

Me: magradyo nalang ko no?

Mom: wala namay uso ang radyo karon! Naa ba diay kay radyo?

Me: ha ngano man

Me: hala asa na atong radyo? Wala na diay tay radyo?

Me: *shocked na wala na miy radyo*

Me: magpa on nalang kog tv. Luoya sa atong tv uy walay on-on.

[thingsquared]

definitions: a thought i forgot

A balloon that escaped from my hand Its string I just held a second ago

I knew it was on my head When I took a shower But it was washed away To the drain hole

Panic, panic Will it ever return? Panic, panic Have I lost it forever?

Just a ghost It was once Will it ever be Just a ghost

[thingsquared]

Today, I look like the sky Who drizzles lightly Glares a bit Behind the clouds Covering its face

It looks grey But not dull Even a bit brightly Irritable

Cries a little But just a little For not so much Of any reason

Maybe the clouds Are just getting heavy And the sighs Condensed into Splatters of Mixed feelings

[thingsquared]

In the silence You were there As silent as The poetry I wrote Your eyes They spoke Of your Curiosity In the silence You were there Of a company So ordinary That i could Have missed When you Have been The one Standing beside me Your eyes They spoke Of what your Words could not And sent a message Right to me

[thingsquared]

Darling, it is You who know How heartless I can be Darling, it is You who know How forgetful I may be If you love me Do not efface The monster That I am Because I myself Struggles to love The monster Who's in me I do not need People who love me Only for their Convenience So darling, Do not forget That the heart that loved you May cease to be So would you still Love me?

[thingsquared]

I wear lipstick When I feel Sad It is my Warpaint A flag of my blood Saying I will fight on

[thingsquared]

I have turned to a stone statue. Nothing to feel, nothing seeps within. The blood that once run through me became the falling rain. A heart that cannot love, hands that cannot hold, lips that cannot smile, voice that cannot sing. All I have are watchful eyes, looking ever coldly at things which do not give me a stirring. I cannot fear even of the day when I may crumble, and nothing will be left except for my shattered pieces. All I can do is wait patiently, patiently, patient. For a seed to grow. For my shell to crack. Until my eyes will tear up as I see the light once again.

[thingsquared]

I saw you when I was younger.

Your image was formed from the rolling pictures I watched outside the window as I snuggled at the backseat of the car. Your eyes were sparkling city lights and you smelled like city nights. We played with the racing raindrops on the misty glass panes until our bellies were filled with laughter. And we huddled together when traffic came and covered us a blanket of drowsiness.

I had heard you once or twice before.

In the poetic lines of a stranger I met in a library book. You sounded like the heavy silence of outer space. Then a subtle upbeat rhythm, peeking behind the shelves, and finally running towards me into a crescendo of familiarity. I tried to hug your music with my soul. Of course, it feels like nothing, I thought. But you were warm and my chest gushed forth an incoherent waterfall.

[thingsquared]

M: Wasn't there a time when you felt so brave? Felt that you could do anything?

R: Yes. It was when I fell in love.

M: Tell me about it.

R: The memory's a bit fuzzy, but okay, I'll try.

[silence, R is trying to remember]

It was kind of strange, because my days had been different and a bit dull before I fell in love. But when I did, the sun was a bit brighter. The sky was bluer. The wind was playful.

M: Ah, yes.

R: I smiled more, and people became kinder. Problems were challenges that could be overcome. I was determined.

M: Determined of what?

R: I was determined to become a better person. Because I fell in love.

M: Or do you mean, because you fell in love, you were determined to become a better person?

R: [eyes narrow] Isn't that what I just said?

M: Oh is it? Well anyway, you speak of it as if it was of a remote past. Don't you feel it anymore?

R: What? Do you mean the bravery, or love?

M: Bravery.

R: I don't know, I guess it just faded.

M: Because you weren't in love anymore? Is it really necessary? To feel in love to be brave? To feel in love to be determined to be a better person?

[silence]

[observando]

Anybody can learn to think, or believe, or know, but not a single human being can be taught to feel…the moment you feel, you’re nobody but yourself.

e.e. cummings (via observando)

[thingsquared]

How will i ever feel The pain in your hearts Even if i do not have the Same mudded slippers And fingers As you have

Shall i lower the pulley To the dark waters Of my well In search for that Certain ache That will resonate With the muffled sound of your

Tears     and sweat        and blood

As they flowed

Rivers     On your cheek        And my cheek

Down the

Same     Vast         Ocean?

...

I needn’t to. It was the raging waters That volunteered entry To my eyes To my heart

I needn’t to.