things we never say

[thingsweneversay]

healing

recently my friend asked me if I've been healing,

it took me by surprise because truthfully you still cross my mind often these days

but what I realized is that these thoughts of you - or us sting less and less each time

so I answered truthfully - yes, I've been healing

I've been diluting the pain with the essense of time

and one day I'll be able to look back with a smile

[thingsweneversay]

sad

no way around it

this sense of grief sneaks up on me when I’m most vulnerable

it reminds me of the happier times

in my dreams

in my sickness

months have come and gone but I wonder if the pain of breaking my own heart and having to stand by that decision will ever cease

we could have continued that facade until we were old and grey and filled with resentment but I chose to close the door on our potential

to not wake up at 37 filled with regrets of being so afraid to start over - for settling.

[thingsweneversay]

i've been dreaming about you lately

weird snippets of small tender moments

almost like my mind is grieving for what had been and what we never became

it's easy to think about healing in a linear system but more often than not, it's like stumbling through a corn maze

you just chose to go right or left and you won't know that you've hit a dead end until it stops you in your tracks and forces you to retreat

most days i feel ok

and other days i wonder if i'm the only one that ponders about how interesting that we are now one of the world's most familiar strangers

[thingsweneversay]

sometimes i think about if ending "amicably" is perhaps one of the worst paths to land on?

i feel like there's this constant overhanging shadow of "what ifs"

what if...it worked out in the end

what if...fate reunites us in the end

what if...it was meant to be in the end

but then i need to remind myself that i held onto us long after i knew

with these same "what ifs"

i wanted it to be you so badly

wanted to believe that you could be

but in the end i was just chasing your potential

and that's not fair to you or me.

[thingsweneversay]

I was probably 7 the first time I was told to make myself smaller

to be more pretty, to be more "healthy", to be worthy of love and all good things

20 years later, I still hear the remnants of those whispers

am I cursed to always be chasing the shadow of her

the small girl that I will never be

[thingsweneversay]

swimming

waves

ever changing

dependent on the time of day,

location and boats in the water

treading to retain my self in these warm currents

sometimes the tides rush up

catch the unsuspecting off guard,

and sweep them out to the open sea

but I’ve never been a strong swimmer

[thingsweneversay]

who

“today was a good day, so tomorrow will be a bad day” - a mantra that haunted me from childhood.

only recently did I learn that this was a trauma response. only recently did I realize how many of my thought patterns and random quirks were formed subconsciously by our younger selves to cope and survive through adversities.

 this made me start to question - who am I underneath it all? we can only find out as we go - but change is incredibly daunting. 

[cl-aw-s]

[thingsweneversay]

to float

snow flurries fall in a timeless dance zoned out, staring outside my window I wonder how it feels — to be that weightless

[2gris]

[thingsweneversay]

endless cycle

it feels like an inevitable push and pull - a sick dance I’ve never consented to. it feels like I’m constantly being carried by uncontrollable tides. is it high or low today - who knows? maybe only the moon. 

it also feels like I’m on a merry go-around in an abandoned amusement park. somedays I just want to scream “stop the ride”, but others I simply wallow in the safety of the silence. 

[alastairbgray]

[sleeepinglover]

[malnedott]

sunset 🌅

[thingsweneversay]

welcome

this is a new space for the thoughts that constantly overfill my mind about all the things we never say - 

in hopes of shedding light and sparking empathy on how ultimately we are not alone in our worries, and we all share similar questions about this strange and wild human experience :)