How the conversation of sexual identity is tied to rape culture
For this to make sense, I cannot be imagined as something I’m not, I want to avoid that, to the people who read this that know me, I’m going to reveal things about myself that aren’t the easiest for even me to get my head wrapped around.
Recently, I’ve not felt confident in labeling myself as a “straight” male. The reason for why though, is not because I have homosexual desires, and not because I perceive I’m of the opposite sex. I am cisgender, and I’m not gay, but I’m not comfortable with the label of “straight.” I believe the general perception of “straight” and especially when directed at male sexuality requires action.
I’m also not agender, I love people, and I crave the attention of people. Why I didn’t use the word girls in the last description is the root of my problem, I want to be loved, not just sexualized.
There is a huge push for equality for LGBT youth, the movement for equality is awesome, we are all human. Everyone deserves to be loved. Everyone needs affirmation for their mental health. Teen suicide is more than a problem, it is an epidemic, self-harm stories often leave me shaking and crying. I’m an emotionally sensitive person. I want to be seen as a person, not a sexual identity. Here’s the problem with the conversation about being LGBT, it makes the identity the most important part of the conversation. Because whether straight or LGBT or agender or genderfluid or pansexual, who, what, how, and when the person has sex becomes his/her/their identity.
Maybe, some labels are important. I am a runner, a vegetarian, a Christian; I am a writer, a techie, a romantic. I’ve self-harmed, I’ve cried myself to sleep, I have prayed to God that he take my life or take my feeling of depression away. All of those little things can tell me who I am if I let them, but many of those aren’t as important as this: I am a relational human being like every single homo sapien on earth.
I’m not comfortable with the label, “straight,” because it requires action, like, there is a dress code, there is physical action required, and there is an affirmation that is forthcoming. Personally, I’d love the freedom to have sex whenever I want, to try any kind of hedonistic existence possible. That’s not what I am called to as a human. Humanity, I would like to argue, has a purpose for making us made for special relationship.
I like Toms, I like leggings, I like really short shorts and hoodies that cover my wrists. I like hugging and soft t-shirts, I like writing letters and drinking tea. I am turned off by the idea of eating meat, I am scared to death of killing, because it is a finality I cannot bear. I think weapons are an unnecessary way of doing politics. Those things do not follow the “straight” male action code.
I’m pretty sure all of my friends would affirm me if I decided, from the data above that I am gay or gender-queer or transsexual, they’d celebrate me for being myself. I’m also sure, there are those who consider me soft, a pussy, or weak.
Men, especially good straight Christian men I’ve been told and perceived in various situations, are supposed to like guns and knives and war.
I went to see the movie The Accountant with a good friend of mine. He made no comment to me about the violence of the film, I doubt it bothered him, and in truth, I realized I was desensitized to the blood and gore of the film. Ben Affleck’s character Chris, killed senselessly, but for a greater moral good. In the moment of the film, I felt a passion for the man fighting crime to save the girl who discovered sixty-one million stolen dollars. Except, under reflection, Chris was motivated by money and self-identity. The Accountant, was a movie about identity, while not sexual identity, it was an identity of machismo.
Apparently, a Donald Trump supporter held up a sign reading, “better to grab pussy than be a pussy.” First of all, the language is offensive. Second, it’s badly thought out. How exactly, is raping a woman ever okay? A man who rapes a woman is acting out of fear that he is not validated. Ergo, rape is not courage.
Being male, I have felt pressure from other peers to make sure that I had a girlfriend. Being human, I have given into the fear of not living up to an expectation, and I have, in multiple circumstances, pushed myself into relationships were kissing, making out, and other physical actions were a pushing of boundaries because it felt like something a man should do.
How many kisses came out of true love, respect, and appreciation? I can think of less than ten situations that I can honestly describe with 100% pure intentions. I’ve never had sex, but I am sure if I had at my age, it wouldn’t have been out of love, it would have been out of lust, largely born out of my need to establish my sexual identity. In the past five years, I’ve moved from trying to be friends with guys who act like sex is the ultimate defining moment of a young man’s life, to friends who value respect, chivalry, and personal boundaries.
Not all of my closest friends are professing Christians, nor should they be, but there is a general trend in my closest friends towards introspective behavior, modesty, self-love, compassion, and humility. Those are my favorite traits, and they are Christ-like, they are good things.
I feel like I’ve been pressured into believing my sexual identity is important, and I don’t believe it is. I think the reason misogynistic, rapist, and abusive men like Donald Trump, Bill Clinton, and Billy Bush walk this earth, why I think football players get cheerleaders pregnant and ruin their collegiate careers is the value placed on establishing themselves as sexually strong males. That’s wrong.
It’s so wrong that girls don’t stand up for themselves and surround themselves with guys who respect them, but it’s wrong on a thousand more levels that young men believe that their sexuality is based on disrespecting women. If I could give back the stolen kisses, if I could just repeat middle and high school again knowing now who I am in Christ, I would be a very different person in my relationship.
In my next relationships, I am going to be a different person knowing than my final identity is not wrapped up in how many times I unearth the visceral monster of my fleshly desire. Rape culture is influenced by how young men like me take a stand against the status-quo of a guy needing to fuck a girl to gain respect. My father has always encouraged chastity, and he is a great example of a man who has loved one woman for his adult life, but his respect hasn’t meant as much as that of my peers.
My father and my grandfathers have not been perfect in their respect for women, I know they have imagined women in degrading ways, have spoken in misogynistic ways, and have made mistakes in leading pure lives before God. Yet, they have been an example of never encouraging rape or sexual immorality to me or my brother. I want to be a leader who can lead an even better example than they have, and if there is to be a golden example of how men should act with other men, it must be their example.
So no, I don’t identify with the stereotypes of my male culture, because I feel that male culture is a culture of rape, violence, inequality, and bottling emotions until they turn into rage. However, I know this is the world I am called to live in. I must be an example of the best kinds of living.
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