Haven't posted one of these in a while...Villainous Found Family AU Incorrect Quotes
Hans: Everyone, calm down! We're grown-ups, let's deal with this like adults!
Gothel: So, we're just going to wing it and hope for the best?
Hans: Obviously. Now, Turbo, pass the shovel.
Turbo: LOWERCASE LETTERS ARE FOR THE LOWER CLASS!
Dawn: And here we have a capitalist.
Gothel: Did you just-
Syndrome: Let us all take a moment to appreciate that all of human history, human language, and the universe itself aligned to make this joke possible.
Dawn: Sometimes, I don’t realize an event was traumatic until I tell it as a funny story and notice everyone is staring at me weird.
(that could be her life story)
(Scenario: Phoenix has decided to let Hans petsit their cat for an afternoon)
Gothel: I suppose you think Hans is more nurturing than I am.
Phoenix: G, there are prison cells more nurturing than you are.
Charles, bruised and disheveled: We might have gotten into a bar room brawl back in the city.
Hans: Well, that was entirely predictable.
Charles: One of them punched a gang member.
Hans: Randall?
Charles: Dawn, actually.
Hans: Oh, that was going to be my second guess.
*Turbo and Syndrome playing minecraft*
Turbo: Oh no, oh no, oh no-
Syndrome: What’s wrong?
Turbo: I did a thing.
Syndrome: You regret the thing you dID-
Turbo: *screams*
Syndrome: What the fuck did you do- *sees mass of aggravated Piglin* Damn it-
Turbo: *screams again*
Ernesto: I like your new pants!
Phoenix: Thanks, they were 50% off!
Ernesto: I’d like them better if they were 100% off. *winks*
Phoenix: The store can’t just give away clothes for free.
Ernesto: That’s… not what I meant.
Phoenix: That’s a terrible way to run a business, ‘Nesto.
Dawn: *Texts a selfie to the group chat* Hey besties!!
Randall: *Texts a selfie clearly parodying Dawn's* hey bEsTiEs !!1!
Dawn: I literally hate you so much.
Prof. Callaghan: Sorry I’m late, I was doing things.
Charles: Hi, I’m ‘things’.
Ernesto: Ovejita... you've been cuddling with me for over an hour now.
Dawn: *muffled* mm hmmm :)
Ernesto: Maldita sea. I should be annoyed but you're adorable.
Gothel: Ugh, there’s always that weak bitch in the group who isn’t down with murder.
Gothel: *glares at Prof. Callaghan*
Prof. Callaghan: Well, sorry I have morals!
(as long as Abigail isn’t in danger, of course)
Ernesto: Maybe the real monster was the friends we both literally and figuratively murdered along the way.
Prof. Callaghan, looking through his clothes: Has anyone seen my top?
Hans: Charles's in the kitchen.
Gothel: When I was young, I left a trail of broken hearts like a rockstar. I'm not proud of it.
Prof. Callaghan: You're kind of proud of it. You work it into a lot of conversations.
Randall: I just wanted to say that over the years, I have come to regard you as… people I met.
(he knows he loves them)
Randall: Everyone knows that Santa is an invention designed by the big five corporations to sell tinsel and video games to an unsuspecting public.
Prof. Callaghan: The whole “childhood wonder” stage just blew right past you, didn’t it?
*Ernesto drunkenly wanders around the house and Dawn is drunkenly giggling*
Hans, completely sober: *sighs* Well, looks like it's just me and you against the world, Randall.
Randall, going to his room: Nope, just you. *shuts door*
Prof. Callaghan: Valentine’s day is just a consumerist holiday that holds no real value other than drive people insane buying heart shaped chocolates for their significant others and pos-
Charles: I wrote you a poem.
Prof. Callaghan, already crying: You did?
Randall: There are three ways to handle a difficult situation. The right way, the wrong way, and the de la Cruz way.
Dawn: Isn't that the wrong way?
Randall: Yes, but it's faster.
Gothel: So, what is Dawn to you?
Ernesto: The reason I wake up every morning.
Gothel: ...That’s adorable.
Dawn earlier that morning, barging into Ernesto′s room, smacking pans together: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP!!!
Randall: When you said 'Magic in Bed', I wasn't expecting this...
Kaa: *pulls out a card from her deck* Now, was thissssss your card?
Randall: Holy shit-
Dawn: You’re my best friend, I would do anything for you.
Ernesto: I want you to eat 3 meals a day and have a decent sleep schedule.
Dawn: Absolutely not.
Syndrome: Are oranges named orange because oranges are orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange?
Randall: Which came first, the orange or the orange?
Prof. Callaghan: Orange was first used to refer the fruit 1280 years ago but was not used as a color until 1000 years ago.
Ernesto: What was the color called before then?
Dawn: There was no color, duh! Everything was black and white!
Hans: Alright, who’s hogging the Netflix account? I’ve been locked out all week! Gothel: Sucks to suck! I’m already on the 8th season of Friends! Charles: Not me. Hans: Don’t lie. I know it’s not Dawn or Turbo. Charles: It’s not me, really! Hans: … Charles: …But it might be Phoenix… Hans: You gave Phoenix access to our Netflix account!?!? Charles: They wanted to watch Orange is the New Black! Hans: I’m going to kill you.
Randall: Oh, so when crows remember people who wronged them and hold grudges, it's “intelligent” and “really cool”.
Randall: But when I do it, I’m “petty” and “need to let it go”.
Charles: *nudges Prof. Callaghan at 3am* Pretty fucked up that we depict the moon as a girl and the sun as a boy. They're just floating rocks in space. Bob? Wake up, Bob! Listen! They're sexless!
Prof. Callaghan: The sun isn't a rock, go back to sleep.
Syndrome: I just heard Charles call Epsilon a “fucking liar” because he barked like someone was at the door and no one was there.
Prof. Callaghan: You have to apologize to them, Charles.
Charles: Fine! But I must warn you that this might make me a better, nicer person and that is NOT the person you fell in love with!
Syndrome: Don’t mansplain this to me!
Gothel: Wh- I’m a woman! I can't mansplain anything to you!
Syndrome: …Well, I’m a feminist, and I believe a woman can do anything a man does!
Ernesto: So you like cats?
Phoenix: Yeah.
Ernesto: *tries to impress them by slowly pushing a glass off the table*
Charles: I didn't drink that much last night.
Hans: You were flirting with Professor Callaghan.
Charles: So what? He’s my husband.
Hans: You asked if he was single.
Hans: And then you cried when he said he wasn’t.
Hans: Is it still visible? Where Anna slapped me?
Syndrome: Your face looks like a “don't walk” signal.
Dawn: Your face looks like a photo negative for the Hamburger Helper box.
Gothel: A palm reader could tell Anna's future by looking at your face.
Randall: The phrase “talk to the hand cause the face ain't listening” doesn't work for you, because the hand is your face.
Hans: ...A simple “yes” would've sufficed.
Dawn: Remember, when burying a body, make sure to cover it with endangered plants so it’s illegal to dig up!
Dawn: Make sure to follow me for more gardening tips!
Charles: Last night I found out Bob is a sleep talker.
Hans: Oh, really?
Charles: "The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell." Right. In. My. Ear. At 3 am.
Dawn: (holding Ernesto’s spine as the rest of him lays in pieces on the ground) I got your back, bestie!
Ernesto: Ovejita, do you think this is funny? Give me mi columna!
Dawn: (giggles) Gosh, you have no stomach for this joke.
Ernesto:(scowling) Ovejita I swear to god…
(I never include enough skeleton puns in these)
(during the interviews)
Randall:I wouldn’t last two minutes without the family.
Randall:...Randall: Tell any of them I said that and I’ll put you through the shredder.
