All These Songs Are About You

I love brown eyes and sunflowers.I'm just another ugly kid on the internet,who pretends she can write. These are my irratic obsessions. @TacosBe4Vatos(twitter)(I'm funny only sometimes)

[cansu-m]

[less--syllables]

Rain

[typewriter-worries]

where's that picture that ruined my life

[typewriter-worries]

found it

[typewriter-worries]

this comic did the same thing

[flowerytale]

Sharon Olds, from "Something Is Happening", One Secret Thing: Poems

[flowerytale]

The Diary of Anaïs Nin, 1944–1947

[fromdarzaitoleeza]

Jamie Anderson/Glennon Doyle Melton, Love Warrior

Grief and love are interconnected

[chillpotato]

Mieko Kawakami, from 'Heaven'

[fromdarzaitoleeza]

Sanna Wani, “Who is the Sun, Asking for Sleep?”, My Grief, the Sun // Brenna Twohy, A Coworker Asks Me If I Am Sad, Still

[shisasan]

May 11, 1931 Journals of Anais Nin 1927-1931  [volume 4]

[this-could-take-all-night]

Letter 1

I have this memory of you that shines through the black of all the others. You're getting out of a white van in a parking lot filled with police vehicles. I see uniformed men weaving in and out of loud electrical fences. You're walking over to me and Grandpa so quickly I was worried you'd trip over the new shoes I picked out for you. You're wearing a new T-Shirt that's too big for you and new denim shorts that are too long. Your face is full and your shaved head does not suit you. It doesn't matter because your eyes are the same color of bright mossy stones under pond water. They are reflecting the sun like water fractals. You outstretched your arms and you are strong when you hug Grandpa first. When did you get so much bigger than him? Do you think he wondered the same too? You saved this particular hug for four years. You crushed me as you lifted me up into your arms. I saw those angry fences behind you that were taller than the concrete buildings. They weren't taller than the six towers with armed men inside. I closed my eyes and hugged you back. That feeling was like a promise that I knew you meant at the time. I don't know why I stared behind us as we drove away instead of listening to you and Grandpa try to come up with something to say. The beige concrete walls and barbed wire seemed to only get bigger instead of smaller. I know now that you never really left those fences behind.

[this-could-take-all-night]

A terrible Dream

There was ash raining down, or was it all my hopeful dreams?

I stared out onto the black driftwood

A long night draped over the sand and sea and a storm screamed at me from on the horizon

My bones were molten lava, and they burned from the inside out

Just like all those toxic feelings

They bubbled to the surface and the seafoam was angry

My head rocked with the humming and whispering of all those ghosts traveling on the wind

Headed straight for me

My skin cracked under the frozen feel of it

Like it was scratching away at all my shame

I felt naked under their gaze and I knew they would never stop howling

Such a horrible sound

A rot filled my veins and they turned black and made me no good

Useless and tainted

I screamed in defiance, or.maybe it was denial

I refused to see what was creeping around me from the shadows

I felt my joints ripping from their sockets, my helicopter heart tearing through my metallic ribs, the sound was thunderous

A promise that the storm has just begun.

[this-could-take-all-night]

So I went to the beach.

[this-could-take-all-night]

I'll never forget the soft way your fingers touched the back of my neck that night we danced when no one was watching

You carried my heavy heart between us and we swayed even though it smelled like rain

I promised you there was so much I couldn't forget under the dark protection of the night

The sound of our drunken feet fumbling

How your nose felt on my check when you kissed me there

I remember how your cheek felt sprinkled in rain

I've been dealing with my demons

Now they sound like ghosts, humming softly weaving melodies in the wind

You asked me why I was looking up without a word

And I never told you but I was praying and calling out your name

I think I had been praying for you all my life boy

And there you were, sleeves rolled up and tie in a puddle on the ground

Was there anyone ever more lost than me on that night I stared at the remaining pieces of my heart?

My restless spirit slept with the light on

All those twinkling lights over my head made me dizzy

You cut the dark in half so I never have to look under my bed or inside my own head

Because the demons are just ghosts, humming and weaving melodies in the wind

[this-could-take-all-night]

Maybe nothing has to change tonight

But you might want a clean tomorrow

"Are you up all night hurting over photographs?"

Tell yourself a goodbye you'll never get

Could you ever forget the way I would laugh

At that look in your wood burnt eyes

Do you know all the ways I have memorized the freckles on your face,

And the lines in your palms

The way your smile touches your sad eyes

When you try to write over all your wrongs

Will I ever see right through the dark water

Will I ever share in your secrets, and is there room for me in those hiding spots?

The words of light I gave you came from a dark room

Red light developing the way I love you

I've shown you a secret

That you heard me whisper through your fingertips

Out in the cold and under the glow of a cracked lamplight

The green light of the dash in your eyes had me mesmerized

In a trance I confessed I loved you

But I didn't ever mean to

The air froze on your car windows and all over your voice

I never meant to love you but these things are never a choice

[blogging-at-your-funeral]

[this-could-take-all-night]

You are summer night waiting for the moon to speak

A sweet song stuck in my head

When the world stared down on me from it's peak

You spread your wings over me and shaded me from the heat of a thousand suns

You are radiant cut diamonds reflecting new colors into my dark dreams

Your dark eyes are a paradise

You taught me to see the beautiful behind the ugly, stretching its hands out touching the ends to connect me

I was out of touch until I felt your fingertips on my knuckles and knees

I stared in awe as you held my heavy heart in your hands as if it were nothing

And you shone a light into all that was empty, casting your shadow down

I raised my hands to cover my eyes in your brilliance-the black was all I'd ever known

You could never know how you saved me

I never knew a deep breath before your mercy

On those nights were I thought nothing was hotter than my tears, your lips burned with all the lives we must have lived before

How many of you have I loved?

How many times have your hands found me?

[this-could-take-all-night]

Can you hear me when I think of you?

If I sang loud enough would it be able to find wherever you are?

I won't cry because I won't let it be the first thing to reach you

You couldn't warn me you wouldn't be here with me

I can't be where you are but I can only dream

There will be many nights where it will not be enough

And there are some words which will not leave my body

Because they will fall on your ears some day

Oh how I dream and dream

Underneath the blue midnight where I knew you would walk long ways home

I still look for you on every road, behind every door, and in every smile

Did you know it would kill me to lose the sound of your voice except for when you are singing?