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Susan Sontag, from “Reborn: Journals and Notebooks, 1947-1963″

Felt cute or whatever at the pub quiz 🥂

#Not so much when I zoom in and can see the bags under my eyes 😵‍💫#But we shall ignore that #My team came 2nd even though there were only three of us there so that was pretty cool #I think I'm going to try some non alcoholic drinks for whenever I go to the next one #Bc I felt not so great after just a single glass of wine #Idk I'm soooooo stuck in a rut and everything sucks rn but also I'm sleep deprived so idk how I expect myself to not feel like shit #Anyway

Actually had a half decent therapy session today where I got to at least talk about *some* things, and got met with understanding and validation, just wish things didn't have to get so bad first 🥲

#It didn't fix anything but yeah at least it was nice to be heard for a change #And she very correctly pointed out that I can't control anyone else's behaviour apart from my own #And I can't fix my family members and their problems #Which yeahhhhhh I guess #I said that I just wish they cared enough about me to change themselves #But it really doesn't feel like it #And then had an unproductive conversation with my dad this evening where he said he feels like I don't tell him anything #And I said I don't feel like I can and at this point I don't really want to #And then he just vents about his own feeling miserable and that he wants to be supportive and doesn't know how #And it's very much giving that thing of #I've tried nothing and I'm all out of ideas #Like okay #Atp I can't teach you how to be a better father

xmu102

petaltexturedskies

Anne Sexton, from "Imitations of Drowning" in The Complete Poems

#I can't stop crying tonight #Ughhhhhh I know some of this is just RSD but that doesn't make it any better #My brother literally has not spoken to me or possible even *looked* at me since our argument on Monday night #And rn it kind of feels like my parents have chosen him over me #So I want to lash out and I want to self destruct and all of the things #Because I'm feeling so hurt #But I'll just lie here and cry to some sad music I guess #This life is not for me #Also as if things weren't miserable enough right now I feel like I'm getting a uti #Probably due to drinking much less water and barely moving #I have therapy tomorrow #Well I guess today actually #But I just want to curl up into a ball and die

I probably need to do some Going Outside that isn't just appointments/chores/errands and actually involves nature in some way, but I feel worn out from doing the things that need to get done (and even then not doing all of them) that it feels like a waste of time/energy/resources to add "walk on the beach for a couple of minutes" to my week.

#Idk I think sometimes I could simply things wrt food if I didn't have such weird rules around meals and such elaborate meal plans #And also if I was organised enough to just go to the supermarket once or twice rather than what feels like constantly throughout the week #I wish I still had my own car so I wouldn't have these hangups about just doing a basic thing that's also sort of a waste of petrol #Like actually just going to the beach for a couple of minutes #Rather than feeling like I have to walk for at least 30 mins to make it worth it #But then I know that 30 mins is going to end up being more #And that's overall too much for me to do #So I just won't do any of it #And I miss going for walks so much it's hard not to overdo it #Because I don't know when I'll be up to doing it again #Idk idk idk #I need to go to bed because it's 4am #But I am resistant to doing the final pre bed things so instead I'm just half lying here wasting time on the internet #And I'm not even having fun #And that's what 95% of my life has felt like for a very long time

kosmogrl

depressed at 11 was crazy i should have become a child prodigy

u-me-and-insomnia

🙃

#Had a huge argument with my brother this evening that kind of just keep escalating and escalating #And I'm just soooooo not able to deal with anything right now #That was from 10+ years of biting my tongue and I was actually very restrained #I don't feel bad for anything I said to him because he's a horrible person who holds hateful disgusting views #I would cut him out of my life completely if we didn't live in the same house #He's beyond saving and I need to make myself beyond caring

My team won at the pub quiz tonight thanks to the interests of a tumblr mutual (although she's no longer active)!! So my years spent on this site have not been for nothing 😇

#Shoutout to gkat423 aka Gina #One of the questions asked for the name of the Resident Evil character shown in the picture #Which I knew immediately was Lady Dimitrescu lolol #No one else in my team had any clue and that scored us two points #Actually it's not the first time that information I've picked up from tumblr has been useful in quizzing #If I paid better attention to everything I read on here it would help even more for sure

dogpuppy

this-goes-on

I'm so fucking sick of hearing about my supposed ~dorsal vagal shutdown~ omfg 🙃

this-goes-on

Idkkkkkkk so many offhand comments my therapist makes are getting to me and in the last two appointments I've tried my hardest to push back and counter things that I disagree with/ask for an explanation or justification/advocate for myself etc etc but it really feels like it's just getting lost. She's misinterpreting what I'm saying or picking up on the wrong part of the point I'm making or just going off on a tangent and talking in circles and I think at this point she's created a narrative of me and what my situation is in her own mind and anything that doesn't fit into that is just straight up ignored.

The problem is that I feel like I'm the problem and that things would be the same if not worse if I tried to find someone else to see instead so...

#She has straight up suggested that it's my fault that things haven't worked with other therapists I've seen #She was like there's a reason why I'm the third person you've ended up with #I don't think that's a ridiculously high number over the space of several years #But it's true that pretty much any therapy style suggested to me I'm kind of very meh about #Or just flat out not interested in engaging with lol #The problem is that I desperately need proper psychological support in place #Bc it's not like I'm getting that from anyone else in my life #She's pushing for me to do ~bodywork~ before she thinks I'm ready to actually engage in therapy #But I'm trying to explain that I don't think that's how it works and I'm not sure how realistic it is to rely on that #And she's just like #Of course you feel that way that's because you're in dorsal vagal shutdown 🙂#Lowkey though it's kind of fucked that I've made it clear I don't feel like anyone really takes my ME/CFS seriously #Or considers it a real legitimate illness #And she'll validate my experience of being chronically ill #And then turn around and suggest that it's all just a trauma response #Like okay then #So you don't believe me either #Idk idk idk #At least she's referring me to an OT I guess??#Hopefully they'll be able to help?#With my dorsal vagal shutdown ofc lol #The problem is that if I wrote down every comment that annoys me I could spend literally all day writing and it would achieve nothing at all #I think I need an outside perspective on this idk #Actually the one funny moment was when something else was being attributed to dorsal vagal shutdown #And I was like actually that's mostly just my depression and I feel like I have to just pretend to be excited about/interested in things #Because the anhedonia has been particularly bad lately and seems to be getting worse over time #And on her notepad I could see from her pen movements that she just wrote down the word #Depression #And then underlined it #💀💀💀

I'm so fucking sick of hearing about my supposed ~dorsal vagal shutdown~ omfg 🙃

#My therapist used that phrase about 5 million times today #Stoooooooop #I had some interest in the vagus nerve stuff at first #But now it's just starting to sound a bit woo woo #Everything being attributed to dorsal vagal shutdown is actually pissing me off

petaltexturedskies

Anne Sexton, A Self-Portrait in Letters

franz-bauch-foto

Path

Hey, you're really cool and awesome and pretty!

Thank you anon, you're too sweet 🫶

#This was an unexpectedly nice message to wake up to!

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