Invictus

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It was May 5, 2017 when I first moved in here, you let me get in here first because my previous apartment's due was every 1st week of the month, im not sure. Got my matress, closet, stove, gas, and a few more basic stuff.

And then more or less than a month you moved in here with me. The rest is history. I wouldn't regret moving in with you. Never.

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I never thought that walking-in on a room in total silence would make me breakdown this hard.

Nothing but silence.

Then a sudden rush of memories of how full this room had been. The people in it, the dinner we prepare for the night after a day of work, the stories and complaints we tell everyday.

I miss them so much, the people, the times spent, my once happy place, my home. They are my home away from home.

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A moment of bliss with my favorite people. 😔 #room15

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I'm writing this because it is the only way I know that could help express everything I am feeling at the moment.

These past few days my heart and my mind are being tormented by the frustrations hanging around me. Maybe this quarantine thing has a factor in it. But on a bigger picture, these "things" are with me for the past decade. Yeah, I think I am carrying these all through the years.

There are times when I would have tears pooling out of my eyes at any time of the day just beacuse I feel so down, I feel so (insert sad instrumental) worthless, so unlikable.

1. I feel unappreciated and unloved. Maybe because, let's admit it, of my figure. I've been single for 7 years. And the reason for it could be because, again my built.

2. I can't have who I want. It's obvious I'm into this guy for a year now (or more), but he made it so so clear that WE ARE JUST FRIENDS. All these years of being together, like literally together, living on the same pad, coming and leaving the office together, malling, food tripping, you name it...yet there was no spark ignited. Not even 0.01%. You know why? 'Cause I'm not one of those girls who met his standards, oh diba fuck standards. (insert I Belong to the Zoo's line "sawang sawa na kong marinig na ako'y kaibigan lang")

3. I'm stuck between "I want to live far away from everyone" and "I don't want to leave my love ones". I imagine myself working abroad, alone, independent, with pleasing paycheck, and successful. But my heart sinks at the thought of leaving my family for a high paying job. My love ones are getting older and I don't want to be far from them if any problem arises in the future.

Unfinished...

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Sabi nila magsulat ka raw sa tuwing may nararamdaman ka. Ilabas mo lang sa paraang hindi makakapanakit sa iba. O makakaapekto ng hindi maganda.

So here it goes, typing them all dark feelings here just so no one can accidentally read it and judge me and be hurt or I don't know, whatever.

Have you ever been in a situation whereas you feel fine so so fine then for a minute changed to super not okay. Is it all in my head? I don't know, whatever.

Hindi ko alam paano ako mag uumpisa eh, yes di pa ko nag-uumpisa nyan.

Ang hirap naman kasi 'tang ina. Gusto ko lang naman ilabas lahat ng nararamdaman pero tangina, may mga taong mag-iisip na "ano ba yan ang drama naman", "di pa ba sya tapos jan?", "di pa ba sya nakakamove on?", "magstay ka bang ganyan?", at marami pang iba.

Okay lang ba? Hindi kasi ako okay. Okay ibahin natin yan.

Okay lang ba? May mga pagkakataon kasing hindi ako okay. Siguro mga 55% of my day, tapos yung 45% okay naman, masaya, nakakatawa, magaan ang pakiramdam, nakakapagjoke, positibo sa buhay. Eh kaso paano pala? Itago ko lang yung 55% lagi? Well for the record, sinusubukan ko naman maging mas matimbang yung "I'm okay" na parte ng araw ko. Pero hindi nila naiisip o nakikita yung mga luha nagkukumpulan makalabas lang, lalo sa gabi, minsan kahit hindi ako mag-isa naiiyak talaga ko.

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I just don't want to be here anymore...

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Eto na tayo ngayon, palayo sa isa't isa.

Nakakapanibago.

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I miss you so much mac mac baho.

Room 15 will never feel like home again without you.

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For the last time...

I listened to the sound of your snore.

You hugged me so tight just the way I always wanted it to be.

You kissed me as if it was too normal for us.

It was at this season 4 years ago that we became so close as if no one could ever break the bond and as if we'd known each other for a long time. I never thought that this would also be the season we will leave what we had and go on our separate ways.

You said you were sorry for your shortcomings, I am sorry too if I can't take a second seeing you two together. I am sorry too for being the selfish brat that I am. I am sorry for myself too that this got out of my hands.

I only wish to get over you before we see each other again. 😔

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Psst.. Busy ka? 🙄🙄 Telebabad pa. 😤

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Giving you a space here because sooner you'll be on a different wall.

And you Mr. TV, thanks for 3 years and a half of showing us something to laugh at, to keep us from boredom, and to share with each other.

Say goodbye to Room 15 8301 Dapitan St.

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Your smell on the pillow helps me sleep better, as if you are here. But it's a reminder too that you are not meant to stay, because if you do, it would be your chest or shoulder I'll be sleeping on.

Damn it, I miss you so badly.

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Happy yan? 😊😘

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Happy birthday main man! I wish you all the good things you deserve. Know that you are loved and appreciated by many.

I can't thank you enough for the things you've done for me and the many times you considered my feelings (yes I'm so aware of that). You're such a blessing. I'm so grateful that God let our paths crossed, but that's just it. I may not know the reason now, but maybe sooner or later. I'm sorry for being selfish to the extent that I don't want to share you with anyone and for breaking our agreement and for not supporting you the way a best friend should. I just want us to be together always, to end up together.

But if one day, when the big change comes, and we're not the same anymore, please remember how we used to crack jokes and laugh like the world is ours, like no one is around us (to the point that they are OP just because we're the only ones who get it). Remember how I lazily wait for the meals you prepare (yes, chill lang ako feeling "prinsesa" lang). How we go to the malls for window shopping (kasi pang grab na lang ang meron tagal ng payday eh). Remember the nights we shot and chill together, just the two of us. Especially our bedtime stories and videos we watched before we pass out and snore (na lagi ako nauuna). And so so so many good and happy times we had.

The past 3 years was a good ride with a little bumpy emotional burst from me. Hehe. But it was the best because I got to experience how to live under the same roof with a best friend, boyfriend, brother, office buddy, chef, and joker. I was hoping we could stay this way (or level up?) in our lifetime but the universe has other plans for us.

Please don't tell me "makakahanap ka pa, may darating para sayo, hindi lang ako ang tao sa mundo, strong ka naman", because I choose you to be that person, sadly you are not choosing me to be the one for you. I'm done waiting and praying for the one for me. "Ang alam ko kasi nakita ko na sya, ang problema hindi nya ko nakikita. Siguro kasi una pa lang nagdecide ka na na di ka magkakafeelings, hindi mo binigyan ng chance madevelop into something. "

Anyway, so much for a birthday message huh? Please continue to be a blessing to others. Happy birthday, goodluck and...

I love you so much Marco baho.

(and that's the sad reality, I'm the only one who does...)

-Girl Gataw, Nagsasabaw sa gitna ng kanin, Ging, Ghen 💕

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7 years ago.

But why do I have to feel it again?

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I will miss...

The shoulder that I lean on every night while watching crazy videos.

The chest I used as my pillow where my head perfectly fits in.

The tummy I used to kiss because it is so squishy.

The arms that squeezing me so tight while we are sleeping.

The waist where the fluffy love handles are.

The hands touching me in ways no one could do.

The face I cup in my hands making me feel I got small hands.

The lips I trace thinking how unproportion and thick it is.

The snore that's telling me the peace of the night is the only thing we need.

The thigh that covers mine as if I'm a huge pillow too.

The toes that touch my toes before I doze off.

The voice that tells countless stories and slowly fades away because I'm about to fall asleep, then waking me up and telling me not to sleep yet 'coz the story aint finish yet.

Sadly, I will miss the person that was never mine in the first place. The person I love after a long time of being okay without anyone to care for. The person who reminds me that love can be this painful and happy at the same time and that I really really suck at letting go.

I know it doesn't matter if he will miss me too because it will only focus the fact that we are not gonna end up together, and that's the worst part of it all.

This is the tragedy of living with your bestfriend for years and promised not to fall but you did unintentionally.

[helovedmebutnotenough]

Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, some people will never appreciate you the way you want them to and they will never see how much you’re worth. No matter how much you want them to, no matter how much you wish they did, no matter how much you do for them and how much you want them to love you, how much you want them to be good to you.. They just won’t. You can try everything but you can’t force someone to be the right person.

//helovedmebutnotenough

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And that sucks