ellie

50+lbs lost and trying to maintain...

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11/24/18

When I hopped on the scales this morning, confusion for the number is an understatement. Because, well, most people do the opposite of lose weight over thanksgiving, right? As per usual, I know no one reads this. But I just need to speak my mind. It’s been a really hard couple of weeks. Emphasis on really. I have been fighting my mind so hard with everything food related, but it wins almost every single time. From this, I have come to the conclusion that I have a food related anxiety. Am I gonna seek help? Maybe, as I am blessed enough to have free counseling offered at my school. As far as everyone else goes. Boy have they not held back on the comments! Coming home this past week to see all these people I haven’t seen in a while…all had something to say. Especially family. Telling me that I’m too thin, and that they’re worried about me, and that I need to gain some weight back. It’s been nonstop from family, good god. Not to mention my mother. Another problem I’ve been experiencing…EXTREEEEEMELY cold hands and feet, and overall body. It’s been really bad. And a super low heart rate as well (I’m not athletic!!) As such, my mothers making me get blood work done over winter break. Yay. Anyways, that’s about all the update on my life. Some days are better than others, but lately all the days have been bad. I’m changing my meal plan next semester (the one I have now SUCKSSS and the food SUUUCKS so I only ever eat salads) so hopefully switching will help me out with everything.

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“I think you need an extra small” some words I thought I’d never hear...

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Things I need to remember to ease my food anxiety.

-eating 2000 calories a day WILL NOT CAUSE YOU TO GAIN WEIGHT

-you need to start eating more to maintain

-you’re not gonna survive on 1500 or less calories for the rest of your life

-you reached 175lbs by excess portions and generally unhealthy eating.

-letting yourself have a treat every once in a while will not make you magically go back up to 175lbs.

-at the end of the day, it’s just a number. Who the fuck cares.

-also that number is going to fluctuate everyday

-food should be enjoyable

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11/09/18

Hey guys! It’s been a hot minute. Weighed in at 127lbs this morning as I have come down with a cold and haven’t had an appetite at all. Been struggling with body image lately as well so that’s nice.

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10/31/18

Happy Halloween everyone! Hope everyone’s got a fun day planned ahead of them 😃

Update on maintenance. It’s been a weird time. I’ve been floating around 131 lbs for this past week, so that’s good. But I still feel like I haven’t been eating enough. It’s just so hard because I feel like any more food that what I’m eating now and I’ll gain weight. My logical self knows that i became overweight through excessive portions but I still can separate the 2 completely different things. But I’m working on it.

This shit is exhausting guys. I really thought things would just go back to normal once I hit my goal weight but that couldn’t be more false. It’s been a struggle more mentally than anything.

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10/23/18

Turns out eating enough calories to maintain is harder than I thought...last 2 days I’ve been clocking in at about 1200. It’s really hard to transition back to eating like a normal person after you’ve been in diet mode for so long. It’s going to work a progress but I’m gonna do better.

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OCTOBER 21ST 2018 Well. I can’t quite put it into words how it feels to not only SURPASS your goal weight, but to do so on accident after saying you were trying to maintain in addition to reaching it after a night of drinking. (Also fun fact I waited in McDonald’s drive thru for 15 min at 3:00 am last night for a damn ice cream only for them to tell me they were shutting it down so McDonald’s shoutout to you for preventing me from getting that) I think I’m in shock, to say the very least. I feel like I should be crying but I’m eerily calm about it. I never dreamt of seeing this number 6 months ago, or ever really. I have been so ashamed of my weight a large majority of my life, drowning in insecurity and self hatred. There have been so many times I’ve tried to start this journey and it always ended with me failing. But this time was different. I actually changed my relationship with food for the better and learned discipline and balance. All those times I said no, all those times I exercised even when I didn’t want to, all those times I almost gave up but I didn’t. It all fucking paid off. And it feels great. I’m so happy I started this account to track my progress. It definitely helped in keeping me accountable and on track. I want to keep posting to write down how maintaining is going. So the journey continues... ✨

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Soooooo this happened today. After much thought and consideration, I think I’m going to start TRYING to maintain my weight. So eating more than 1200 calories a day. I saw this number this morning, and then went back and looked at my progress over the past few weeks and saw that it was slowing down just from the sheer fact that my body probably doesn’t wanna lose anymore weight. I think I’m finally comfortable where I’m at right now and this is a good stopping place. Now, that’s not to say that I’ll be mad if I still lose weight. In fact, I probably will because I will probably end up eating less than I intend to. But starting today, I’m going to put a real effort into eating more than I have been. It’s going to be a challenge, but hopefully I’ll get through it. More updates to come in the coming days. (10/18/18)

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10/13/18

I was starting to think my body was just resisting my weight loss efforts at this point but honestly...this seems about right. I ate really well this week but over the last weekend I ate probably enough to maintain.

Yesterday I was starting to think I was plateauing. I haven’t been this small since 8th grade. I bought a size SIX in pants yesterday. I have no recent memory of ever buying a size this low. I feel like my body is gonna start resisting with these next 4 pounds, especially since I’ve only been staying active through the amount of steps I do each day and no exercise in addition to that :/ so if I get to that point where I can’t get to 130, I will probably start throwing in additional exercise when I have time.

Anywho. Happy Friday everyone!

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10/04/18

Hello all! Went back home for my fall break, and then headed to the beach to go pick up debris from the hurricane.

Weighed in this morning at...134.8.

Which is 4.8 pounds away from my ultimate goal weight!

I feel kinda weird though. At one point, 135 was my goal weight, so I feel like I should be happier that I’ve reached this milestone but. I was mildly indifferent when I saw the number 😂maybe I’m just tired lol

Its also kinda strange because I went downstairs yesterday in a towel and my mom looked at me and said that she thought I should stop losing weight and that I was really skinny right now. And I just... yeah, I’ve lost like 40 pounds but I still see parts of me that I don’t like? So 130 it is, and if I’m really not satisfied then 125.

Well. Here’s to the last 5 pounds my friends! 😊

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Was just looking through old pics and uh…wow.

I’ve come this far.

Left: Easter 2018 Right: September 30th 2018 40 pounds difference…

I remember when the picture on the left was taken the amount of disgust I felt. And as hard as it was to look at myself in those pictures, I’m really glad I have them now to show me how far I’ve come.

If you are not happy with yourself and are trying to work towards self improvement, keep going. It’s so worth it, I promise.

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09/30/18

Holy crap!!! I cannot believe it’s October tomorrow. Where the hell has this month gone omg

ANYWAYS I’m kinda amused at the moment. Yesterday my college had a football game and we are 10/10 a tailgate school so obviously I was drinking (I had like a half of 1/5 of Malibu, like a half of the entire bottle) but I also ate like really healthy throughout the day. And I woke up this morning and for whatever reason I just felt compelled to weigh myself because I actually feel quite normal after a day of drinking??

I lost 1.5 lbs. 137.9->136.4.

So I’m both...extremely humored and ecstatic about THAT. I was counting my calories too and it ended up about 1800, and while that might be on I know for sure I didn’t go over 2000. Plus I walked (according to my Fitbit lmao) about 11 miles and it said I burned 3800 calories.

I’m so delighted. What a great start to my week lmao. I guess this whole increasing my caloric intake might actually work???

I AM SO CLOSE TO 130 GODDD IM ALMOST THERE

Edit: after making this post I went through back all of my posts tagged under “my entry” and I actually feel so emotional just seeing how far I’ve come??? What the HECK

[oneman-wolfpackk]

I know you’re tired bitch but keep fucking going

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09/28/18

Well guys.

I weighed in this morning at 137.9. This is like 4 pounds down from 2 days ago (what the fuck..?) but still kinda makes me fume bc I thought it would be lower bc my LW from last week was 138.3, and with the amount I’ve been eating it just...doesn’t make sense. I’ve been eating perfectly this entire week so why is my work not paying off??? also this sounds really bad and I absolutely don’t encourage it but yesterday I hardly ate anything just because I was so busy and it was wayyyyy below 1200 cals which is what I’ve been aiming for so I was sure this mornings weigh in would be pretty reliable since there was absolutely nothing in my stomach.

Well as the saying goes... when shits not working, change the strategy, not the goal (or something like that). So basically I’m thinking about amping up my caloric intake to 1500-1600 or I’m just gonna start maintaining at 2000ish. Probably the first option of the two. If I maintain, maybe I’ll do that for a week and then just get back on my grind. my mom tells me I look great where I am now but I just have a stick up my ass about getting to 130. Maybe I’m just putting too much stress on my body with such low amount of food or my metabolism has slowed. Whatever it is, I gotta figure something out because this is driving me crazy.

Yeah...never thought I’d say this. But I’m gonna try and force myself to eat more. Bc I’m done playing this whole eating next to nothing and getting no results back. I’ll check back in in a couple of days to give an update 🙏🏼

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09/27/18

Hey guys! I haven’t posted in about a week because i didn’t want to take a post until my weight got below my last recorded weight...

Well here’s the tea. It’s been like a week and I haven’t gotten below my last lowest weight. I’m trying not to get discouraged but it’s so hard. I’ve had maybe 3 or 4 meals that weren’t what i usually have bc it was my damn birthday but that’s it, and it’s safe to say even then I was still in a caloric deficit, definitely not a surplus. I’ve been watching my calories like a hawk and there anywhere from 1000-1200. so what gives????

I was supposed to get my period a week ago and that didn’t happen. So I’m not really sure if that’s causing water retention or whatever...

I’m just so freaking close to where I want to be, and it’s just so frustrating to be putting in all the work and getting no results back. I want to start maintaining and eating like a normal person again so for this last leg of my journey to be stalling it just fuckin breaks me

I’ll weigh again tomorrow probably, see if there’s any change.

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Things I’ve noticed since losing almost 40 pounds. (09/19/18)

Since I’m finally in the 130’s, I’ve wanted to do another one of these posts because the differences are much more dramatic than before :)

-firstly, literally EVERY adult I’ve known for a substantial amount of time comments on it. But literally no one my age because they’re afraid they’re gonna offend me I supposed

-my HANDS and my FEET?? So bony now??? Also that wrist knob is more prominent??

-also I can see my veins really well now and they’re super green and I love staring at them lmao I’m a freak sorry

-I legitimately cannot sit for very long anymore bc my butt has gotten unaccustomly boney (I still have a lot of butt though). I have to sit on pillows now

-my thighs still touch but I don’t get chub rub anymore yay :,)) ‘‘twas a big problem before

-this one actually isn’t good but like 1/2 of my nice clothes don’t even fit me anymore :/ I had to wear a dress yesterday and it was a medium and it looked kinda stupid on me bc it was so big

-ummm I get mad when I don’t get my step goal in on Fitbit and I run in place if I’m far away (locked in my house for 3+ days bc of Florence...I did this every day 😹)

-I may have said this (among the things above too honestly oops) but genuinely crave healthy and wholesome foods now.

-going off of which...I actually enjoy bananas now?? And yogurt?? Both of which I absolutely hated before I started losing weight?? Like i eat straight up banana now and I LiKE IT who EVEN AM I ANYMORE

-I’m always cold. :( All my insulation is gone and my body isn’t used to it so I’m always freezing my butt off

- I am just...so much happier and feel so much better about myself. I feel like I can do anything

-IM A LOT MORE COMFORTABLE IN SOCIAL SITUATIONS: FUCKING GET THIS!!! IM ACTUALLy in THE PROCESS OF JOINING A co-ed FRATERNITY RN. Last year me would’ve never DREAMED OF DOING SUCH A THING

-my parents comment on it every time I see them now. “you’ve gotten so thin” “I can’t believe how much weight you’ve lost” stuff to that effect

-I said this on my last post for sure but now it’s so much more defined so imma say it again...my face. Used to be so chubby and now it’s actually super defined and I can actually see my cheekbones and I don’t hate it :))

-kinda a weird one but my hair actually looks a LOTTTT longer now since I am so much smaller

I’ll probably think of more after I post this but this is all I got for now. I am so freaking happy. This was the best birthday gift I could ask for from myself :,)) (my birthday is on 9/21!!!)

I hope this helps someone to stay strong and stick with it, because let me tell you ITS SO WORTH IT IN THE END :D

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(09/19/18) Holy fuck, guys. This is...so euphoric. I cannot actually remember how many years it’s been since I’ve been in the 130’s. I could cry. I’m so happy. All my hard work has paid off. I’m not sure what it was...but I woke up this morning and I looked in the mirror and I just knew. Today was gonna be the day. (I’ve been waiting to be in the 130’s for the past week) And now I am :,))) please excuse me while I fucking WORK MY ASS OFF FOR THESE NEXT 8.3 POUNDS💪🏼