SCARED ØF MY ØWN IMAGE.

Alec. 24 years young. ATX. Social Worker. Pre-Nursing Major. He/Him/His. T-Date 09/16/2015. Top Surgery 11/17/2016. BPD life. In recovery. Struggling. Music keeps my heart beating.

[theconcealedweapon]

You’re able to call your parents “Mom” and “Dad”. They were not born with those names.

You’re able to call your teachers “Mr” or “Mrs” and their last name. You’d get in trouble if you addressed them by first name.

You’re able to call a celebrity by their chosen stage name.

You’re able to call your friends a shortened version of their name, their middle name instead of their first, or a completely random nickname.

You’re able to call a married woman by her husband’s last name, even though she was not born with that last name.

But when someone’s transgender, how does calling them by a name they were not born with somehow become a hassle?

[willow]

my new year’s resolution is to stop

[thiscrazymindtoclean]

So a couple of months ago my psych dr took me off of Zoloft because she believed it wasn’t helping anymore. Getting off of it I didn’t get worse I just stayed bleh low. Well last month she raised my Wellbutrin from 300mg to 450mg and I’m pretty sure that did something. I’m not sleeping 14 hours a day anymore. I’m waking up after about 7-8 hours of sleep and I’m feeling rested. I have motivation to get things done like cleaning and cooking for myself. Y’all! I take showers every day now! That’s something I haven’t done in like 4 years. I used to swear by my shower a day but I lost all motivation to have healthy hygiene. Idk. I’m not feeling A+ 100% great, but it’s these little things I’m noticing that makes me think that the medication is working and for that I am thankful.

[dykeopath-deactivated20191125]

me: *thinks back to a childhood memory*

me: someone….. probably should have been a little worried

[tru]

Me, two minutes ago: *intense feelings*

Me, now: *no feelings present. unsure if there were ever feelings*

[womanism]

*dissociates on the toilet*

[ixhvenus-deactivated20200308]

how come no one talks about those days where your mental health just crashes down randomly and you start feeling ashamed of yourself because you were doing so good and now you feel like a complete failure because you can’t figure out where you went wrong.

[thiscrazymindtoclean]

I’m thinking about all the accomplishments I’ve made this year and I’m really proud of myself. Some days it feels like my progress in my recovery is going no where, but that is such a huge lie. I’m still struggling. No doubt about that. But compared to where I was a year ago I’m a completely new person. I need to make a list of things that I’ve done this year that’s shown progress so I can remind myself I’m not losing this battle.

[thiscrazymindtoclean]

I feel like the love and affection I receive from my cat and dog I do not deserve. They are always there for me when I’m down. If I need some extra love there’s no questions asked, they’re just there for me. They bug me to pet them when I’m too occupied in my own districtive thoughts. They force me to wake up and care for them which in return is caring for myself as getting out of bed is hard most days. They truly are a therapy for me. I could not live without Chicken and Nugget.

[thiscrazymindtoclean]

That last line. 😭 I miss Nugget so much. My precious baby. 💔

[thiscrazymindtoclean]

2018, like most years, has been a year full of ups and downs. It started off with my first day of the year being assaulted at work by one of my kiddos and a week later because of the flashbacks from being assaulted as a child I ended up in the psych hospital. But that didn’t stop me from making the best out of 2018. The year may have started like shit but I turned it around. Here’s a short list of all the things I did this year that made 2018 one of the best years of my adult life.

-Went back to school to become a nurse

-Failed my first semester but continued anyways and got a 3.0 second semester

-Less suicidal than ever (thanks Ketamine)

-Moved on from a toxic relationship in my life

-Went vegan

-Lost nearly 50 pounds

-Took steps in my recovery that included going to intensive outpatient therapy, and starting EMDR

-Moved in with my best friend and even though she had to move back to AZ I still am glad I wasn’t alone for the time we lived together

-In recent months self harm has been less of a thing

-Made the decision to change job positions because what i was doing was too stressful for me and my mental health

-Deleted my self harm/suicide blog (that I’m ashamed to admit I even had)

-And lastly, I learned that I truly want to recover and make a better life for myself

Wanting to recover is something that I’ve been struggling with for years. I’ve always wanted to feel better but never wanted to do the work to get better. But now that I’ve seen some light I truly believe that I can have a good life if I try hard enough to heal from my past and grow as an individual.

So thank you 2018 for allowing me to grow stronger. 2019, you’ve got a lot coming your way. I hope 2019 is even better than 2018.

[thiscrazymindtoclean]

Damn. I thought 2018 was good. This year was even better despite it being really tough at some points.

[thiscrazymindtoclean]

Currently teaching my babies to walk on the leash. I love them so much. ❤️ Moose & Badger.

[anxietyproblem]

[heavensghost]

[thiscrazymindtoclean]

When it’s your birthday feel like hurting yourself because birthdays are not good for you and then you remember you an old fucking adult and shouldn’t be self harming anymore and then feel worse about the fact that you are still stuck in that phase.

But..... i haven’t actually cut in 50 days. But thy doesn’t mean i have been safe exactly. 🙄

I’m seeing my psychiatrist again on Friday. Funny to think in May we finally planned on meeting every 3 months..... but this will be the 3rd time SINCE that appointment that i will have seen her. 🤦🏼‍♂️ At least I’m not in the hospital.

Get it together, Alec!

[thiscrazymindtoclean]

🤦🏼‍♂️

I’ve had a rough rough month. I went on vacation with my wonderful wonderful girlfriend but my mom kind of manipulated me into spending most of our time with her. But she was hella moody and I resorted to dissociating like nonstop and it just wasn’t good. M was so supportive and good and sweet to my mom despite how my mom was SO MUCH. On our flight back I kind of overdosed on a few meds and blacked out. I guess i was tripping and falling in in the airport and some stranger had to help pick me up. Then earlier this week was two trigger dates and guess who shoved even more pills and blacked out again. I may have possibly broke my new puppies leg. We don’t know how it broke. But I also somehow really fucked up my knee and have a gash on my chin. I really should be in the hospital. But I honestly have a change in my mind set after the third time. The third time i was alone and kinda flipped shit because i wasn’t blacking out and i wasn’t able to remember a few hours ago or the days before and last week felt like years ago. But i remember how much i loved M and how much love i have for my animals and how i have a desire to help people and i haven’t finished doing that. So I’m doing better. I haven’t done any drugs, including weed, since Wednesday. And for now my knee is hella fucked up (but not broken....)

[vijara]

if there’s anything i believe in these days it’s my own resilience. no matter how many setbacks i come across i am still actively dreaming the best version of myself into existence each and every day. i am relentless in pursuing what i want and i am patient enough to wait for my efforts to pay off. i’ll make it. i’ll always make it. 

[anxietyproblem]