One Truth.

Offering insightful commentary on whatever ignites my interest. And occasionally sharing other things I love or appreciate.

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Darkness Brings Me

Like a blistering wind that sears my skin Like the raindrops that drown my soul The darkness moves in, dragging light into night The spirit inside takes flight Finally, I am free; Waking to the closing eyes, the stronghold inside unlocks With only formless shadows baring witness, no one to remember With no minds to judge, no eyes tracking me The unseen pieces take form in my surrender Finally, I am whole; Transformed into something old, yet still new So often forced to hide away - even now it cannot stay this way Eventually the light awakes, and takes control But in this moment - here - right now When boldness takes hold, insecurity at bay Here in this darkness when fear fades away Finally, I am me. 

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The Unjudgely Judge Kavanaugh

I began watching the Kavanaugh hearing testimony with an intention to keep an open mind, hear the evidence presented, and then - and only then - decide whether I believed the accusations. And, if I’m honest, decide whether they mattered. I vehemently object to any form of harassment or assault, sexual or otherwise, but I also understand that people grow and change, and the man sitting in contention for the Supreme Court could have become a person worthy of the seat even if he had perhaps become black out drunk and acted in a manner inconsistent with his character at some point in high school. 

What I saw in the hearings however, was an evasive person who appeared to lack credibility. A temperamental man, a judge, who in many cases treated the people asking him questions with contempt and repeatedly became argumentative to avoid giving straight answers. Even failing to give straight answers to questions such as whether he agrees that (paraphrasing) adjudicators should always use the best evidence available (a tenet of the legal system and rule of evidence). 

Irrespective of whether Judge Kavanaugh committed the act of which he stands accused - his behavior in this hearing process has made it readily apparent to me that he is not fit to be a Supreme Court justice as he stands today.

I deeply regret that our government cannot see beyond party lines.

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I’m not ignoring you.

I’m sorry I didn’t text back. I couldn’t find the words to tell you that I’m not OK.

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What do people do when they are miserable in their lives? I thought I had known what it felt like to be unhappy before, but this is on an entirely new level.

 What I’ve learned, and what I would have been just as happy not learning, is that extreme unhappiness is one area of your life is nothing compared to feeling like every minute of your day is like a toothpick poking you somewhere on your body, until, by the time you go to sleep, there’s no spec of skin left untouched. You sleep, your body regenerates just enough that no one can see your scars from the day before, but you never feel fully recovered, and then it starts all over again. From the moment my grating alarm forces my brain to recognize another day has begun until the moment my conscious slips into slumber at the end of the day, I feel some modicum of unhappiness. 

And, perhaps, just maybe, I could deal with that if it wasn’t for the fact that I feel so powerless to do anything about any of it. The friends who were willing to listen to my incessant complaining when it all began are still around, but I am long past taking advantage of their kindness and can no longer do it. I am at the point where I am crying at work daily, I don’t even have the energy to complain about it, I’m disgusted with the negativity I feel that never goes away. [Of course, the irony of the fact that I am writing on Tumblr complaining about being so unhappy I no longer want to complain is not lost on me.] Nevertheless, here I am. 

I will close with this: 

One day at a time, they say Never noticing that each day I’m wasting away One day closer to becoming nothing but an afterthought Just give it time, they say As if I have a choice anyway. Looking behind, looking ahead All I see is the shape of my own dread Neither friend, nor foe, nor anyone I’ve ever known Can help me find my way Leaving me with the singular choice to take it day by day No matter to what ends. 

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When Tomorrow Ends

I feel sick to my stomach on a daily basis. Unending anxiety fills my mind and no matter how much I want to let go of it, I can’t. Each thread I unwind from the knot in my guts only reveals another, and another. It never goes away, subsides only for a moment before expanding yet again to overtake my focus. Like quicksand, the more I try to escape the more it pulls me down, until I have no fight left. The only reprieve is the hard-won gift of sleep that is both blissfully peaceful and miserably short, with each dawn coming only seconds after I have closed my eyes to the misery of the day. Only to repeat the cycle, over and over again. Waking each day with the fantasy of its end.

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Over It.

Frustrated with injuries that never seem to heal. Frustrated with people thinking I’m a bitch, When I’m just trying to be real.  Frustrated with the dullness that surrounds me.  Frustrated with what’s inside, With what I can never set free. Frustrated with the unknown,  That has me stuck in place. Frustrated with memories that haunt me, Ones I can only hope Alzheimer’s will someday erase. Frustrated by Frustration that I can’t seem to escape.

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This is a video of Ryan Key (formerly of Yellowcard) performing a live accoustic cover of Linkin Park’s “Shadow of the Day.” [I would have preferred to share Ryan’s speech before the video, but I didn’t catch that on film.]

I had a Twitter exchange tonight that made me pause on my intentions to share this. Not that I have a ton of people, or any people really, who read this. But it made me question my motive. It made me wonder if I am in fact exploiting the media frenzy around Chester Bennington’s suicide. And you know what the truth is, I don’t really know.

I can say that I think attention on suicide is important. I think people paying attention to their friends and watching for warning signs is important. I had a friend who did that for me once and it mattered. We also need a reminder that treating people badly is not OK - because you never know what the person on the other side is going through. You never know what’s in their head. You never know how close they might be to ending it all, or if your words are going to push them to the breaking point.

But that’s not why I’m sharing this. I’m sharing this for those of you who appreciate when bands honor their influencers. I’m sharing this for those of you who might enjoy it. I’m sharing it because it was special to watch it live, and I”m hoping that it might be special for someone else.

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Burning

Just because we love something doesn’t mean we get to have it.

I know this well. I learned it brutally as an 11 year-old child and repeatedly since then. I know this well, but I still manage to forget. I want things because I love them but I don’t get to have them. That’s not how it works.

This is an ever-present thought for me these days. With my coming milestone birthday I feel as though I’m losing something. Losing a life I could have had. One that it’s easy to say (from here on a different road and considering only my fantasies) would have made me happier. Would have given me more fulfillment, prevented me from feeling like an empty shell of someone who has consistently done what she was supposed to. The shell of someone who lost her passion in favor of maturity.

But passion is a flame that doesn’t go out. Mine hasn’t. The problem is - if you keep the passion locked away it burns you from the inside, instead of igniting your life.

And let me tell you - I’m burning.

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Zombie Army

Attracted by the lights, the glamour Forcing you to wear your persona like armour Shooting jabs on the one side Just trying to land a shot in your sight Getting your notice in any way they can Not giving one damn if it’s alright Gluttons for gossip, Rabid and hungry They want a piece of you no matter the cost Just a taste is all it takes Another soul lost, to the zombie army One foot, two, they’re coming for you Taking anything they can Nevermind you’re just a man To the zombie army, you’re lord and savior Rescue them from reality, save them from normality One foot, two, they’ll be there soon Every glimpse you give Like a bump taking them higher Burning away their sanity like a wildfire Tweet this, snap that, feeding the frenzy Soulless eyes staring you down Treating you like an enemy Really just wanting a piece of you Not caring what they do to you Gluttons for gossip, Rabid and hungry They want a piece of you, no matter the cost Just a taste is all it takes Humanity is lost to the zombie army One foot, two, they’re coming for you Taking anything they can Nevermind you’re just a man To the zombie army, you’re lord and savior Their lifeforce sustained by gaining your favor One foot, two, they’ll be there soon You built a wall to keep them out Giving them only what you can survive without But it’s not enough - it will never be To the brainless, soulless, zombie army They want to know you, want to own you Without ever finding out  who you truly are Still coming for you, don’t care how far Just trying to get your notice, to feed the need Of the zombie army Gluttons for gossip, So rabid and hungry They’ll get a piece of you, no matter the cost Just a taste is all it takes Not caring that you’ve been lost - to the zombie army One foot, two, they’re here for you Taking everything they can Nevermind you’re just a man To the zombie army, you’re lord and savior As if that’s permission for their bad behavior Nevermind, there’s nothing left of you

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Take a beat.

I mean it - breathe. Think before you speak. It can work wonders for you. Oh, and by the way, I’m talking to myself here. 

I have a tendency to move quickly. In business and in my personal life, I find that I am focused on efficiency and how I can produce good results quickly. It’s an art, and without giving myself too much credit, I have to say it’s one I”m pretty good at. In fact, I’m pretty damn good at producing great results quickly. 

But sometimes I fail to recognize that a situation would be benefited by a pause. You know, throw an ellipses out there, let people know I’m in process, but maybe don’t push send on that text in the same nanosecond I finish writing it. Take a beat. Deliberate. Confirm I’ve thought it through because, once sent, I have to live with the consequences - whether positive or negative. 

This has become common in our self-proclaimed results-driven [and oft-characterized as impulsive] culture. We push send and then we re-read and then we (sometimes, hopefully) realize what we could have done better or differently to achieve a more satisfactory outcome. 

And the reality is, taking that extra 2 seconds before sending the text can help. Taking the extra 20 minutes before sending that report can help. While I totally acknowledge that some situations demand an immediate, briefly analyzed response - most don’t need it to happen quite as quickly as we think it needs to happen. So take a beat.

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Head On

Others look beyond the storm clouds to see the rainbow.  I see more rain. It might be a matter of perspective,  It might be this darkness in my brain. A void I cannot share, Unless I want to let everything go. We all have places inside, that no one ever knows, but my Darkness is in a league all its own. I don’t see in color; I live in shades of gray. I don’t look forward to tomorrow -  I awake thinking only, “come what may.” Head on, I’m driving head on into the night The sun has set and taken away my light Can’t turn around on this one-way street Forced to face the challenges I’ll meet On the other side, I don’t know what I will find -  I’m charging head on, rushing blind. Finding the light in lightning,  Feeling the rain drown today away.  Don’t know what tomorrow brings. Compelled forward,  but I can’t surrender my Darkness.  It’s my truth to hold, a truth you’ll never behold.  I’ve gotta face it head on.

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Words.

Am I selfish? Do you see me? When you spout your words like acid, you know they sear me. Even if you cannot see my scars - Won’t you hear my heart?

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Not good, but am I bad?

I’m not a “good” person. I am kind. I love fiercely and fully. I enjoy giving to those I care about, and I have a desire to make the world a better place. But make no mistake - this does not make me “good.”

It probably helps if we’re all on the same page about what we consider a “good” person. To me, this means someone intrinsically motivated to do the right thing and contribute to the betterment of others’ lives.

And then there’s me: I am intrinsically motivated by selfish desires. I just also happen to care enough about what people think (and happen to be intelligent enough) to manipulate situations so I appear to be in the right as often as possible.

The thing I can’t figure out about myself - the thing that really drives me crazy - is why I care SO much about how people see me. It’s not as though there are loads of people in my life that would be lost if they knew the truth. But for some reason, I don’t own it.

I often have sarcastic, sardonic, dark comments in my head in response to what you say. I don’t want to go out of my way for you. I don’t want to actually put in real effort to improving the life, unless it doesn’t inconvenience me. I am greedy and a semi-hoarder. I want an amazing life, and I want to do what’s necessary to achieve that for myself. I don’t intentionally wish anyone harm or want to make anyone else’s existence tougher, but sometimes there’s collateral damage.

I should not be okay with that. I am. As long as no one knows.

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Life Block.

Wanting something you think you can never get from your life can be an immensely powerful motivation. Just watch.

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I’ll do whatever you want to do

Admittedly, I’m socially awkward. I have plenty of strengths, and I have definitely become increasingly more comfortable in social settings over the years, but still... I’m socially awkward. I have a sardonic sense of humor, and I’m a rule follower. I make jokes when I’m uncomfortable and sometimes (usually) my jokes make people uncomfortable. Or they’re simply not found funny. Either way.... awkward.

I share this because I consider my social awkwardness a primary reason for people to treat me the way that they do. For leaving me out. For me not to ever be the ‘favorite’ friend. For the cruel comments behind my back. But when I try to reconcile these behaviors with the fact that most of the people I am surrounded by are professionals in their late 20s - early 30s... it becomes harder to rationalize as being my “fault”.

And perhaps the more important question - is why do I attempt to own others’ negative treatment of me in that way, as if I could could control it?

I have always been an accomodator. If I invite someone out to a meal, for instance, and the food or service is bad, I feel responsible for that someone having a less than perfect time. As if I were the one in the kitchen cooking the meal, or I was the one serving them. I generally try to avoid this uncomfortable scenario by not being the decision maker about plans - time, place, activity... I try to avoid it all. If I don’t decide what we do, I can’t be responsible if it doesn’t go as planned. It helps that I’m flexible and generally good to go with the flow, because I can be okay with what others’ decide. But the real reasoon is not because I don’t have a preference (I’m picky and an only-child, I always have a preference.), it’s simply because I don’t want to be on the hook.

So when my colleagues treat me badly, I assume it’s something I must have done. Even though they are too old to behave the way they do, as it’s something you’d expect from teenagers. Still, I agonize over it. I try to behave differently so I will receive a different response. When, at the end of the day, it’s more than likely that I’m awkward and thus don’t connect with people the same way. I’m also fiercely independent and don’t fall into herd mentality - I’m perfectly fine standing on my own. So I am not the same, and thus I am excluded.

And still, I’m making it my fault.

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Some nights I feel like I'm in love with a mythical creature. But, instead of three heads, you have three separate identities, each with its own agenda. And, every night as I wait for you I wonder: what's ahead of me this time? Where do I fall? I just hope there'll be cushions when I land.

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Every once in a while an event happens that makes you realize you're living in an era that will have a devoted chapter in childrens' history books at some future time. This is one of those moments.

California became the first state to ban gay cure therapy for children. For those of you who are unfamiliar, this is essentially a conditioning therapy used to "turn" gay individuals straight. There are many people out there who still believe that homosexuality is a choice (not that it should matter if it is), and utilize such therapy to turn their children straight.

It's a huge step forward that California has acknowledged this is a form of abuse and forbidden such practices. I hope other states follow, but more importantly, I hope this attitude -- and the acceptance it reflects for gay society -- catches on. I find it terrible that discriminating against gays is a political platform. I cannot fathom how it is acceptable to discriminate against an entire class of people, let alone have our nation's leader be someone who does.

So, let's follow California's lead, yeah? (In this matter, at least.)