As I sit here in the middle of NYC, not really sure where I am I start to wonder about my life. I see person after person walk by me, some alone, some couples, some with dogs, okay a lot of dogs, I've seen 33 dogs at this point I'll probably update that later. But anyways, I wonder what my place in the world is. Where am I meant to be, what am I meant to do, who am I meant to love, how many will I love? Dog count 38. I know what I want to do, I want to write and act in movies and television. I want to love, truly love, I don't want this cheap love but I always go back to it. It's easier. But I hate it. Cause it's not love, it's lust. Every time I get close to someone I get bored and I don't understand why. And when I haven't gotten bored yet, they get bored and it leaves another scar on my heart. There's a lot of scars but not necessarily from girls, I caused most of them because every time I scar someone else I scar myself. Dog count 46. Those are the deepest scars because I dig into them and won't let them heal. I punish myself for hurting other people and why shouldn't I? I deserve it right? My heart is fragile, more than it should be I think but I hand it out to anyone who will listen cause I desperately need attention. And when I get the slightest attention I cling to it. Yes, I'm clingy. I'm protective, borderline overprotective. I just don't want people to get hurt, but taking it into my own hands is selfish I guess. I'm a jealous person too, not over material items, I couldn't give a shit if someone has a nicer car than me or whatever. Dog count 50. If I'm slightly talking to a girl and another guy starts giving her attention my mind goes crazy, I've learned to not take action on what my mind is telling me to do. But it's not just girls, if I see one of my friends start becoming better friends with someone else I get jealous. Dog count 57. I'm a selfish person who tries to act selfless. I care about people, I really do, but I also care too much of what they think about me. I feel like I'm starting to see I'm not as good of friends with some people as I thought I was. I probably should have treated them better, I'm a real asshole at times. And my friends have openly called me it. I was really nice for awhile and I still got labeled the asshole of the group. It sucks cause I would do anything for my friends I really would but I don't think they know that. I just want to love people but I always mess it up. I like my life, I like myself for the most part. I'm better than I was. I really am better than I was. Dog count 61. I just looked up at a building and saw myself jump off. So I guess some of the old me is still here. I get glimpses of the old me. But I'm better, truly. I'm trying to focus on myself and how I'm going to live my life and become a better man but I have a desperate need to be in contact with a girl. And no matter how nice or funny I am it seems like none of them really want me back. I keep wondering if I'm really that ugly. Sometimes I think I am and other days I don't. But I see how easy it is for my friends to get girls, pretty much anytime they want. And then there is me, who has to try so hard to get a girl to take a second look at me. I know I went back to girls at the end of this post. Yes, the end because this post sucks. Dog count 65.
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