streams of thought through death and preparation for trial.

[missmentelle]

Some quick safety tips for people who are trapped in violent or dangerous relationships:

If you’re having a violent confrontation with your partner, never run into the kitchen or the bathroom. The presence of knives in the kitchen can escalate things, and bathrooms are confined and full of hard surfaces. The safest place to go is a bedroom with an exterior window - it hurts a lot less to get shoved onto a bed than onto a tile floor, and you have a way to escape the house if you need it.

Make sure your cellphone is fully charged and on your person at all times. Consider investing in a portable charger or backup battery, to make sure that your phone is never dead if you need to call for help.

Keep your shoes on in the house as often as you can. If you have to run out the door at a moment’s notice, you can’t afford to slow down long enough to put your shoes on, and you won’t get far running in socks. If you absolutely can’t wear shoes in the house, keep a pair of slip-on shoes or sandals by the front door, and practice getting them on quickly.

Keep your car’s fuel tank full, and always back into your driveway so your car faces the street. Keep the driver’s side door unlocked at all times and keep a spare key hidden somewhere inside the car, in case you don’t have time to grab your keys on your way out. Leaving your door unlocked is a small risk compared to the risk of being unable to get into your car when you need to. 

If you flee your home, turn your cellphone off or switch it into airplane mode as soon as you can. Your abuser may be tracking your phone.

Stash important documents, ID, cash and vital medication at a friend or family member’s house. Even if you pack a “go-bag” and keep it in your own house, you may not have time to grab it on your way out, and there’s a risk your abuser may find it.

Do not discuss abuse with loved ones or research escape methods using your own phone, tablet or laptop, even on private browsing. There are a lot of “mama bear” programs that a tech-savvy partner can install on your devices, giving them full access to your calling records, texts, messages, email and browsing history. Some abusers will also use hidden “Nanny Cameras” to spy on your activities at home. Borrow a friend’s device for your research, or use a public computer at a library.

Set a code word or phrase to use with family and friends, to let them know when they need to send police to your home. Online articles telling you to “call 911 and pretend to order a pizza” are myths - not every 911 dispatcher will realize why you are calling. Code words make sure that someone knows exactly what is happening and can get you the help you need. 

Remember that at any time, you can send out a distress call by clicking your phone’s power button 5 times in a row, or pressing and holding the side button if you have a newer iPhone. If you are not able to use the slider on your screen, continuing to hold the side button will trigger a countdown and then an automatic call. The SOS call will contact emergency services in your area, and send out a text message to your emergency contacts with your location attached. If your phone’s location services are off, the SOS call will automatically enable them.

[thisismyghost-blog]

HOW SOCIETY GASLIGHTS SURVIVORS OF NARCISSISTS, SOCIOPATHS, AND PSYCHOPATHS (A GUIDE FOR THERAPISTS, LAW ENFORCEMENT AND LOVED ONES) - US Health Global

By Shahida Arabi, Bestselling Author “THERE IS A CLASS OF INDIVIDUALS WHO HAVE BEEN AROUND FOREVER AND WHO ARE FOUND IN

This article is for EVERYONE. We are all vulnerable to the smooth criminal until we learn their tricks and patterns. They are experts at exploiting the vulnerable and appealing to the best in people. They are selective with the level of victimization and if they can’t get to you, best believe they are or will use you as a pawn against someone else at many points in your life. Understanding the patterns of narcissist reasoning and tactics is incredibly helpful in understanding all types of abuse or master/slave, conqueror/conquered dynamics.

[thisismyghost-blog]

from the clutches of hypnotic beasts

I was only able to untangle my beaten down infected brain by finally talking about what happened behind closed doors with my sisters and seeing more clearly how cruel and empty he was. Hearing other people's stories and drawing the parallels may help too. It feels like death because you've already been figuratively murdered and placed on puppet strings.. in order to be reborn you must let the strings drop and collapse. As someone else in this group said sometimes the worst pain isn't in receiving the wound but in healing afterwards. We are infected by toxic horrendous thoughts and feelings they implanted. Our spirits need figurative surgery to address the poisonous Vines of the insidious monster which have fused with your bones. It feels like dying alone when you walk away... But it's essentially letting go of the body on life support in order to be born new.

[thisismyghost-blog]

letter to my rapist

You did everything you could to convince me I was a fool and that you were the smartest person in every room.  You even convinced me I was somehow a bad person who deserved constant punishment and that you were a selfless saint. It turns out we were both selfless, only I turned outward sending my energy to other souls- While you, You turned inward, sucking in all the energy from those around you like a black hole.  You had me convinced that I could learn from you because you were confident and commanding while embodying all the values I seek. I thought my depression and timidity was a sign of weakness and that your arrogance and self obsession gave you strength. Now I see you were only impersonating me. I have nothing to learn from you but everything to see.  You are the darkness of the cold void which lends a background for anything truly luminous to show.

 You said I should be honored that you wanted me to write your speeches but now I write my own speech. You were playacting me the entire time, I already wrote you several speeches you played back to me inside out. You convinced me to worship you and to lock my soul in a punishing dungeon while you had your ways with me. No- you have no more power here. Nothing you say can hurt me. You promised me we would change the world together, we would make each other smarter and stronger and I would be your helpmate in the background while you gave inspirational speeches to thousands in a crowd and raised money for orphans.... What you gave me instead was so much better. You murdered my ego, blotted out the sun in my sky and put blinders on me to my value or possible connection to other human beings. You made me feel ashamed and for a while I hid. I hid myself away, while thinking in some way you were still better than me because everyone seemed to believe your attributes were more worthy of admiration and I was ignorable or mockable.

 You wrapped me in a cold tomb which I transformed into my warm cocoon. That’s the type of power I have and the failure than you will never cease to be.

You killed me and gave me the night... you sucked me into your blackened void and made it possible for me to see all the stars with no obfuscation. I died the ugly whore you broke and am reborn as the Angel you make yourself out to be.  I am empowered by the aggression you poured into me.  I was rebuilt impenetrable by all your insults and rendered impervious by all the bites you took from my flesh. I am impossible to deceive because of every moment you twisted everything against me.

 I am all you want to be…. and more than you can conceive.

 What you thought made me vulnerable actually lends me immortality. I cared so much what other people think, I was willing to sacrifice myself because I valued your happiness and the wellbeing of those you claimed to help.

 You value only admiration and submission in your present moment. If you aren’t receiving admiration from many people or lose your charm and supply of energy from others you will sit with your emptiness. As I lay in the gutter while people calling me a whore, a liar, a drama queen, I have never been so full in my life.  I not only have connected with my son in a way I never saw possible but finally feel reconnected with my father for the first time in over a decade since he passed away. You, I will never forgive. But after you I am only able to forgive when I look on any wrong done by people who love me. I have infinite peace. People like you should never be forgiven or forgotten because you don’t have the capacity to be a human being. You should only be alone, you should only ever be allowed to interact with others in an environment where you are always exposed for what you are. A dangerous hologram, a sirene song.

 When your body dies you will be dead and anything you cared about will cease to exist because you were all that mattered to yourself. When my body dies- I will live on in every person I connected with and nurtured some aspect of their soul into blossoming.  You fool many but you are more alone than alone because you are so turned inwards that you have become a vacuum. A pretty, snake tongued vacuum. You have no power here, in taking all of mine from me you gave me all of yours. I am the brilliant shining light of love you hold up for a mask and I have learned to give my own speech. You wish you were me… I would say I hope this makes you feel bad to be seen, or that I pity your endless painted empty gilded misery because you don’t even know what you are missing and maybe you never had a chance, but- I am indifferent.  Like you made me feel when you ignored me or talked over me or pretended to not see the pain you caused me- I am indifferent to you now but you were obsessed with finding ways to get a reaction out of me. You invested hours hacking into and watching my phone, you even spied on my family and friends. You learned everything about every inch of my soul and studied what made me tick like a watchmaker.

You joked about being a vampire who liked my taste when you forced hickies on me for others to see, yet again telling the truth inside out poetically, once again showing me the beauty of my poetry. You were empty and my blood was sweet.  I will never thank you but I am grateful for you murdering me.  If you hadn’t I never may have discovered my immortality.  If you took responsibility and didnt request your charges to be reduced to a misdemeanor I may never have been forced to choose between giving up and walking into the flames where I found my voice and my dragon flesh. You are literally nothing. You are a painted shell. You wish you were me.

Your cleverness to point at my stupidity only sharpened me. Your ambition to conquer only motivated me. You turned everything so upside down that you set me right side up and now you are the one on the floor and I hold the cold stare of contempt.  You will never beg or cry or bleed like my heart does but you already have a worse fate to suffer than anything you did to me. You don’t have the capacity to feel the joy I feel, to experience the end of aloneness in the awe-filled connection with another’s consciousness, to enjoy the warmth of another person loving you and not becoming a servant to your persona.   You can mime almost any human behavior but you are locked into the same experience. You may travel the world charming crowds and learning them inside and out but you will still only have lived one empty meaningless life. You will only experience the world as a first person video game and never truly live. How can I be angry at you? I am angry at anything that enables people like you, but I am not angry or scared of you.  You no longer mean anything to me. As you thought you were using me for self-gratification the results turned you into simply the means to an end for me- how I learned to tear off your mask and write my speech.

Nothing you can possibly contrive will ever again make me feel shame or win my admiration or submission. So don’t let your ugly designer shirt get snagged on your way out the door.

[thisismyghost-blog]

no justice for all

We remain focused on the ungifted criminal, the loud brash stranger who comes waving weapons and declaring their true intentions. We focus on the small percent who break into our homes while ignoring the sharks who are clever enough to persuade us to invite them in. We scream about hanging all child molesters while we never look for the signs or begin to try to understand the dynamics in order to better prevent and protect. We allow charming Congressmen, prestigious doctors, officers of the law, teachers, preachers and other "upstanding" con men access to our children while we parrot in front of them the very victim blaming logic that will be used to silence them. We put over 90%  of rape victims on trial before they even report and silence most of them, we make sure they know that when other girls who got drunk in mixed company we see them as stupid or "sinful" enough to have gotten what they deserved or even that you think they are liars. We make sure we let our daughters over hear us asking, "Why does she go back to him if he's really that bad?" And then ask her why she never called us for help.

[thisismyghost-blog]

never see yourself preparing for trial in your own rape

The trial will probably be in the fall, they say. My summer will consist of things like permissible evidence hearings and mock trials to practice how I hold up under an experienced lawyer trying to make me appear unhinged and/or a liar, while professionally attempting to invoke disgust towards me. It will also consist of wonderful times with family, creating things and forming new friendships. I'm still one of the luckiest people alive, but that is disgusting, that shit hurts and I deserve better than that. We all deserved better than that and every current and future survivor deserves better than that. May we never stop finding ways to be part of the solution and may we stop forcing survivors to live in silent shadow by treating them like their attempts to seek justice or speak up for themselves are inappropriate or that they deserve to be immediately put on trial as well. It's rarely a true "he-said/she-said".. if the true nature of manipulation, intimidation tactics, deceptions of rescuing, common ways trauma effects people and other basic irrefutable facts that experts have learned via scientific method was not hidden behind ancient rhetoric and outdated moral codes from before paternity or STDs could easily be detected... If it wasn't hidden behind resentment for the victim of the horror show reminding us our existential state of affairs and the powerful trying to keep a cloak of confusion and darkness over their true tactics. It's long winded now but still necessary. The misinformed masses are the biggest enablers of rape and other exploitation.

[thisismyghost-blog]

meaning in meaninglessness

"Everything happens for a reason and everything happens as planned." I disagree with this, but I have come to a conclusion which appears it's inverse with the same ultimate meaning. Nothing that happens is predetermined but as long as you're living there is always a potential to unlock a life where every injustice will feel more than worth having experienced. A state of being where all that is old will pass away and all things become new. A place where every separate bit of life reaches out and touches you and you realize every suffering is a grain of sand. A moment that will be infinite and leave a peace in every mortal moment afterwards...

I want to know what to call that because I know there are more people than just me who are offended af at sentiment everything happens for a reason and works out for the righteous in the end or we are being rewarded or punished based on previous life. I reject that sentiment with every piece of me. No murdered, starved, raped child was just a pawn for someone else's story. No one's son died in order to be a heart donor for your uncle because your uncle was more a part of God's plan.. That can't be just me though

[thisismyghost-blog]

17-Year-Old Girl Who Sought Euthanasia Dies in Netherlands

The teenager said in an Instagram post that the trauma of being raped as a child made her feel she couldn’t keep living.

In case you ever need help understanding what sexual abuse does to a person’s being.

[thisismyghost-blog]

ghost of dead whore, I speak

5/25 (Movie: I am the pretty thing that lives in the house. 2016)

I am, myself, the pretty thing that lives in the walls, turning so far around on myself that I enter a room backwards with my face fallowing last. I came face to face with pure evil and was nearly removed from this life (perhaps my only life) by it. When we speak about wanting the death penalty for child rapist and randomly becoming very upset when the subject is brooched and immediately trying to push it out of our minds and think we contributed to opposing the evil that enables them because you can’t handle the thought, realize you are turning your back on the actual survivors who could tell you the nature of the beast and how to  practically take the steps that you can take to protect your child.I am the pretty thing in the walls, the dead mutilated crack whore in the street who is spit on and walked on by and forgotten. I have come back not for revenge on the world turning it’s back on me. My ego was utterly murdered and my psyche decimated as I screamed those exact screams of the woman being strangled by a ghost. If that type of movie reaches into your soul, I can illustrate to you every inch of why and about the other side, the underworld, the place the ghosts roam between finding the energy to contact the living. Dead girls tell no tales. But I have come for you. Not to horrify but to warn you. I have somehow managed to break through, back into the world of the living and speak for those who were silenced and removed from this world too soon.Will you turn away from me in horror or will you be someone’s hero? And by someone, I mean one of the people you love most, because your love is how you save them.If you want to protect your daughters from Lucifer, you teach them to truly love and speak for themselves and not let others shame them for anything. People only feel shame if they care about social relationships. People only are capable to feel shame if they have the capacity for empathy. Predators and actual bad people don’t feel shame. So remove our shame. Ask yourself what you truly are putting your actions into valuing, you will see what and whom you are helping lock in the walls or leave to die in the rain.

[thisismyghost-blog]

finding my voice when all expression tastes like sin

  5/22

TW/sexual assault

    A year ago I moved into this apartment. The second apartment in my name, an upgrade from the studio my son and I were squeezing into. I was full of optimism and pride at the life I had finally managed to build with my 8 year old son, after leaving an unhealthy marriage and relying on family members for support and shelter, whilst untangling what I thought was mostly a character flaw of mine- social anxiety. Something I now realize was much more powerful and sinister, something that steals your words and muddies your waters, something that ties your hands and locks your feet- toxic shame.

     I had little socialization through adolescence after my father passed away and older siblings left the nest. My from childhood abused and ostracized mother was heartbroken but struggled on for her children and tried to protect us the only way she knew how, in the shelter of her wing. My first attempt to fly out of the nest in the form of my first job at 17, while I worked on my diploma online, ended abruptly in (staying with the metaphor) a snake attack(a predator groomed and took me to a house full of men who raped me). Which left my learning to navigate society behind the back burner, as I retreated further into books, my cats, dreaming of the days on the other side of the bridge where I could live my life, interact with other humans that weren’t immediate family in more meaningful ways than a smile and the deep wish for a piano to fall from the sky on my head so they couldn’t look at me. I dreamed of being surrounded by people I loved, who loved me. All the while appearing from the outside- a misanthrope. I dreamed of the day interacting with others would make possible discovery of beauty I couldn’t yet imagine in the universe and gain more understanding of the human psyche through scholarly pursuits. Alas, I have always found myself with a huge disconnect which I now understand to be disassociation. I rarely, if ever feel that I inhabit my skin and that the conversations I have reflect what is inside me. There is my soul marooned on an island inside my own person, screaming across the waves when another comes near with whom  I wish to connect but  rarely reaches unless the words are written, perhaps this is another message in a bottle. Please reply if you receive this…

[thisismyghost-blog]

1st time I told my fam/friends on fb about the sadistic monster who abused me and is facing agg kidnapping and 3agg rape charges

So idk how some of you will react to this but i have to risk people who will hate me or just turn away in order to gain reinforcements. I have been practically in hiding for almost a year after finally giving up on keeping a bold face at my job that I loved with a few people that I really loved due to the pain I didn’t know how to handle of being visibly and deeply scorned by a few people who I had done nothing to but be friendly and awkward to (just due to lack of social experience)I have been protected under the love of my amazing family, my best friend Sayruh, and the incredible loving man who I can’t describe rn who came into my life about five years ago and with who’s path, unfortunately, was diverged during what I’m about to tell you. This isn’t going to be college level essay ish, so bare with me. I’m bleeding and panting out of breathe in the battlefield of life at this moment but I haven’t dropped the sword and I never will. I don’t have to do this alone, as much as I’ve been alone and felt deeply affected by if people think I am worthless, stupid, ugly, a whore or make assumptions about me that hurt them or take me the wrong way.i have hidden myself to protect others and to protect myself but I see now that is utter BULLLSHHIIITTT y’all. I was in a “relationship”with what fits the pattern of a malignant narcissist, possible psychopath for 9 entire soul crushing, brain washing, body mutilating, being made to believe I was bad or crazy, turning against myself months. That’s the time it takes to grow a fully ripened human, and apparently it’s also the time to nearly break an intelligent, loving sister, mother, daughter, friend, woman almost entirely.     This creature who masquerades as an attractive, eloquent, humble, caring, selfless individual has likely been slandering me since the moment he walked into my place of work as he, behind the scenes, carefully put up walls between me and anyone who might later have compassion for the things he had in store for me. That wasn’t terribly hard due to the fact that I was already a very shy person.This Lucifer gaslighted, undermined and abused me while successfully convincing me that he was helping me become a better person and applying his version of “therapy” based on his claimed experience in mental health in another country and coming out of terrible traumas all by himself. This person took the self doubt i already had, filled it with poison, and offered it through a needle promising the antidote. This person used my compassion and love for others to convince me to let him do horrible things to me as a stress relief or way of dealing with their past trauma in order to help them, to help them not do self destructive things and be able to go out and help others in Grand ways that he constantly spoke of.I have been hiding because I have seen that human nature tends to immediately start looking for ways to blame or dehumanize people that are in horrible situations like this. I have been hiding because I could feel the seering looks of disgust, feel the betrayel from those I had admired and even looked up to that had already taken place and wished not to extend an opportunity for others. I realize now that I have been ashamed of being vulnerable to someone else’s lack of humanity and feeling as though that truly debased me or may as well if it succeeded in debasing me from human status in the eyes of most people onlooking, so why give them a chance to onlook?I have no choice now because today I was shown my choice by the assistant district attorney.  It was my hope to protect others from this monster. It was my hope because I have seen what these creatures who walk among us, looking like people, expressing emotion on their face like people, and I have seen this creature twist otherwise upstanding, moderately intelligent individuals into hating a person in order to discredit them and also back them further into a corner, convince them they are nothing, watch them suffer and feed on their tears like a twisted vampire. You think you can spot a monster? Maybe you would have better luck. I think we all think we do, how can you not believe what your mind is telling you when you look at what looks like a human being but is a monster no one warned you about, who literally takes pleasure in slowly driving you insane and takes bites out of your flesh like a wolf and yelling at you for bleeding. I am not perfect, no one is. I make mistakes, that’s human. I take the wrong path sometimes, also human. Do I need to say that in order for you not to start asking a million questions until you get to the part where your brain can let out a sigh of relief and go “ooohh I was worried this world was that horrific for a minute but clearly this bitch is an idiot or a sinner who deserved whatever she’s going on about.”?I want to stop and give credit where credit is due.I am tempted to name names but I haven’t. There are people who I worked next to everyday and only had affection for who completely turned their back on me when he was arrested. I didn’t call police, my doctor did. I hate attention, I have no vendettas.  I have to  get out of this corner letting him and his minions scare/shame me into silence and projecting their ill motives onto me. I know it makes no sense. I only know that I am sure I experienced what I imagine thousands of murdered women experienced in their final moments. I feel that he would enjoyed watching my final moments and holding them in his hands like a god. I only know that an amazing doctor who I trusted and went to for advice about how to not get murdered or even possibly salvage my life from without police help because I didn’t believe they would help me. I believed him when he told me his ex’s called police and he talked them away, I believed him when he told me that police came to my door at times when I was screaming and he talked to them while I was in the bathroom crying and convinced them everything was ok. I believed what he didn’t have to put into words but only insinuate, that everyone will call me a stupid lying whore for staying around and trying to get help would only result in being told so. I was wrong. My doctor called the police without my knowledge, everyone treated me with compassion and respect and told me I was safe now. I thought that meant other girls would be safe now. I was mistaken. I held onto the remaining shards of my life with all my strength, allowing people under his spell to treat me despicably as I fought the tears, told myself it’s my fault for not being a better person who speaks up and is more than just quiet and friendly but involved and let’s you know them and is there for you. I tried to hold my head high and ignore them or focus on the 3 friends I had left and remind myself that they could have no clue what the truth was and that they would never believe me over such a charming loveable individual. How do you tell someone that a person they admire is capable of worse things than they have ever imagined and expect them to believe you unless they are incredibly close and trusting of you?Trial is coming up. I thought I could seek back up through expert witnesses and professionals who could untangle the dark web of deadly lies, ignorance and misinformation. I thought maybe I could find others like the girl he claimed to have put in the hospital for three months.. I thought.. Maybe.. I could sleep at night one day without picturing dead girls all alone in a landfill disposed of by him and forgotten. That is only my imagination but your mind is your window to the world and it’s all you see. Instead I am told that due to the burden of proof, even after the stack of felony indictments an incredible female detective at Smyrna PD was able to procure on my behalf.. That he will most likely walk free or get less than a decade and be let loose upon the world again. If you ever get hurt, make sure it’s by a total stranger and that you see clearly what’s going on in order to be able to immediately, report it and get the hell away from them so the law can protect you.(sarcasm if u didn’t see it.)There has to be an alarm raised and debate changed. Not for me but for my niece, my cousins, our daughters and sons, every human being who is out there vulnerable to be spotted by a shark who probably dresses and speaks properly and seems like a “stand up citizen” maybe even have a position of authority, maybe even like he did, claim to be a representative of Jesus and some version of my personal Satan’s false story that he was a champion of all orphans and the disenfranchised. I have pictures of him surrounded by smiling children he claimed were in a orphanage he managed for a time in an impoverished part of the world and claimed to have been their main source of affection and mental health assistance in dealing with the loss of their parents.If you are totally mind f9(?#d after reading this, understand that I have been fighting epic battles through Hell daily via my mind and PTSD armed with love  from my son, family, Antwane. An inkling that maybe I can build some sort of bridge to the nameless victims who will never have a charge formally filed much less prosecuted, the forgotten girls buried in shallow graves because a monster feasted on their human heart and knew no one would be in their corner to save them and that society at Large would walk on their unmarked grave with no tears shed for a “whore”. Armed with the small bit of reason and understanding I’ve gained through education and love not letting me die no matter how much agony and confusion and darkness swallowed me whole I walk out of that dark corner of shame today. I still need healing, I still am learning not to be hard on myself, I still have no idea what I’m doing but I’m fighting y’all and I have gained the type of clarity I’m not sure many people ever have after a lifetime. There is no magic day to come where after you try hard enough you never incur anymore criticism and you feel good enough, but in the meantime those who are so sure of themselves are devouring the innocent, virtually wholly unchecked and every bully, every shaming comment meant to put you down and shut you up is a type of  weaponry used by those behaving inhumanely and projecting their diminished humanity onto you. Don’t let them do it. If you care how you affect other people you are top notch in my book and every shortcoming you have tell everyone to STFU about and keep going. Your inability to wow a crowd or rock a swimsuit for a magazine or even speak to a stranger or your emotional outburst and lack of attention to your house when you’re depressed.. any and everything that you feel ashamed about, you give it the middle finger for me. Your voice in your own head and how you see yourself is where it starts and YOU are who I need to join me in this fight with the odds insanely against me and the rest who fall into their snare. I need you to keep trying,I need you to fight to see for yourself what really matters and what is left because there are no superheroes or quick fixes and everytime you feel empathy for someone and want to take their pain or help, this is how. You become strong and you fight for reason, compassion, you fight the voices that degrade and throw away human beings but you start with your own.If you want to talk, text me. Might take some time but I’ll be there and I will not judge anything so if you just need to vent things you feel shame about I am a good sounding board I have discovered. I don’t have any answers for you but I am another human being who values you. Naj is doing great btw he’s facing his own bullies but he’s got an expert on his side and an amazing dad and uncle. I have an extremely bright gorgeous life ahead and I see it on the horizon. I almost said if I don’t reach it I will die trying but there are 3 amazing guys in the next room that love me, a gorgeous brilliant sister a few minutes away, my mom with her endless Love, compassion, years of memories and experience that I hope to be able to properly learn from and appreciate, this genius niece who is so much like me at her age but better and actually likes me. I could keep going. If you looked in the mirror today and thought anything besides “Damn fine bitch, world’s lucky to have me!” then go apologize please. Maybe you won’t mean it but you can get there. I may not be able to stop him. There may be Hell on Earth that I have yet to see, but the people who love us and are waiting for us to meet and love them, they are what matters now. You are what matters to me now. He used to tell me I would gain great wisdom from him and help him change the world. I did gain wisdom, I won’t give him credit for that, I dug it out of the ashes of what he left behind. If that’s possible then imagine what you can do

[thisismyghost-blog]

A letter to my conservative friends/family

I have had the feeling of being separated by a thick wall from everyone around me for most of my life. There are times people reach me but it’s usually short lived. I have been the quiet one people tease with worn out phrase, “Cat got your tongue?” And who looks on confused and smiling trying simply not to do damage and being paralyzed by not having infinite perspective or all my ish together or knowing that how people perceives me can have consequences to them even if I only show love to them that they can not be able to recognize it or that my perspective may limit me from seeing how a blind spot I have affects them. I care and I see, therefore I am used and covered up. It doesn’t have to be that way. We don’t have to have all the answers in order to deserve respect and care. We don’t have to be likeable to everyone to not deserve judgement. No one is blameless so when fingers get pointed and groups of people get villanized there is always someone who doesn’t value people on the other end of that. Empaths have open hearts and arrows fly in. We can change the direction we face our hearts to be able to receive the love and mercy we are being offered and can’t accept. We can do that when we see we need to in order to really do that for someone else.  We can turn our hearts away from people who seek to keep our thoughtful insight and the reality of our experiences secret or try to make us unlikeable. It takes a lot and it might not be fixed and always ok and someone might still hurt us but if we are to be strong for our children and those we love we have to build ourselves back up in order to speak, in order to reveal the truth, in order to rescue those who might possibly by spared. I would not have reached this place without unconditional love and willingness to sit with me in the pain.

Lucifer appears as an angel and impersonates and perverts everything good. Narcissist are the same. He roams the earth seeking whom he may devour. He took so many bites until nothing was left. I died to myself and have been reanimated by the love around me. I have been kept safe enough to do the work while not being further victimized and pushed further into a corner souley because I was lucky enough to have real love around me.I am only able to finally see those whos opinions matter and to start becoming bullet proof to being shut down by the criticism of those who have nothing to teach me. I have been loved enough times and thrown enough ropes to make it here. I am dramatic and weird and airheaded sometimes and klutzy but some of the best people are and if I am to ever reach them i have to stop letting people put me down.   I have never met anyone more Jesus-like than my childhood best friend. She was treated at times like she was simple for never criticizing anyone and having an endless sunshine well of positive energy and love for others and no need to self promote. The fact that the world lost a light like hers and her equally brilliant amazing beautiful mother is one of those stark realties that make me understand how people can die from a broken heart. It’s one of those realties that threatens to fill  me with hatred at people who parade around with the wrong values and wouldn’t see their infinite value and beauty.The fact she has a son in this world without her breaks me in a way that sometimes it feels not worth continuing to fight for a life in a universe like this where the rocks don’t cry out and stop these things from happening. But my son needs me and I have to be brave enough to endure what I need to endure in order to carry her torch and I have to be curious and critically thinking enough to keep myself out of the way and really seek wisdom the way the smartest person I will probably ever personally have a relationship with, my father, always did.  I have been in denial and bargaining stages of greif until pretty much rn since 2001 when he left this planet. He won’t be in history books or built a monument to like I think he deserves and he has not been able to live the last two decades with his daughters and wife whom he adored and or the grandchildren he would probably adore further still. I have never been able to feel close to him or be anything but hurt and enraged by accessing memories of him and seeing what I had lost. Until my son, with his perfect innocence, beauty and valiance has managed to bring me to the present moment from the island of the supreme type of disociaton from your body and ego that happens after certain social isolating traumas. Until I was able to look in his handsome face and realize the love between us is the same and how the things that really matter, which include him never losing sight of his value are all I’m concerned about living on from me. He was able to do that only with our angels (my bf, his stepdad) shield up, willingly absorbing stressors. What he endures, I may never fully see or appreciate. The ways my family have ever gone to battle for me in the face of uncertainty and pain because they love me I may never fully see. But how I begin to connect with them in a more meaningful way and start to be the type of woman he deserves is by looking at those facts without shame but with their love. My son adores me how I adored my mom even when she felt bad about herself and I have finally begun to be able to step up and be there for him the way I want. It was never that I wouldn’t have happily been burned alive to do for him but that I was paralyzed to do because I felt unworthy, not wise enough, not strong enough, not cool enough, not good enough to express myself or assert myself at times when I wanted to. I can stop being angry at myself for not being able to protect him from ever being hurt because of the love I received from my mother which I see clearly now, moved mountains for me even if it couldn’t and never was responsible for magical, super human provisions of everything I needed. Those mother’s don’t exist because it’s not human. How can a single human being be what they want for the ones they love? By realizing they are the potential expression of God’s love and the highest level of being when they show their love for their children. By realizing that is good enough and allowing their children to have access to their healthiest possible most creative self.  The loudest people in the room are most often the most selfish. The introverts and empaths and those who have suffered in ways that give them the awareness aesthetic people (think monks in wool robes in monastery rejecting worldly pleasures) are seeking. The ones with the most needed voices to be amplified are busy listening and gleaning actual useful nuanced insight that is crucial for building a society that more efficiently can seek to fulfill liberty and Justice for all. True American values and Christian values imo are to look to those at the bottom in order to gauge the efficiency of those at the top. We are all guilty of looking to the day we can be worthy enough but we are telling our kids that how attractive and liked like are by a crowd or considered impressive and holy enough by a congregation of people matters more than it already does. We are engaging in a quest for a life that doesn’t exist. We will never be blameless. Beautiful and rich will never be able to equal peace or meaningful human connection so we need to stop chasing mirages. Ostracism  has huge health impacts physically as well as emotionally, and happens no matter how strong or pure someone is. Children, case and point. We have to take responsibility for our impulse to turn away from people when we can’t help them the way we want. We have to fight our urge to stifle ourselves and see that no one is qualified and it won’t accomplish what we wish it could but that our voice needs to be heard precisely because we think that way.  I’m trying to tell you that you don’t need to feel ashamed for being human.If anything about me was worth saving and it’s a good thing for people not to self destruct while they fumble around in the dark dungeon of uncertainty and shame is a priority.  Cliches and Grand displays of emotion that have the most powerful meanings are generally rendered totally lifeless by being repeated too much by false prophets and manipulating people. Our culture doesn’t have enough genuine displays of how a human life works and what real love looks like. From everything and everyone that I’ve lost and years of personal torment and suicidal ideation cycles and silence I have been lifted up by love. I have to let go of what I refuse to accept is gone in order to interact with what is or ever get to what could be (like living in and helping create a home where children can be even happier than I remember being and longing for. That I can stop feeling homesick for and experience the next level of with my kids and embody all that I possibly can from those who I love and have lost or who are still out there but undervalued and replace the survivors guilt with honoring them. I am ok with you seeing me struggle and thinking I’m weird and long winded if you choose to read this in the hopes I can share some outline of love and grace that I’ve been shown and the hope and can only be born from the flames. I hope to fortify you even if you can’t stick by me right now, if you are ever brought to your knees. I want you to remember what that cat lady told you.