life in progress

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11 : 30 pm procrastinating from studying

[thisisnotawritingblog]

chapter XXVII | 🤍unapologetic https://www.instagram.com/p/CksG8pquWff/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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August is just ending for me work wise, but we’re almost halfway September, how crazy is that? Been setting gentle reminders every time my mind races to the next thing that needs to be done & stay focused on the current task at hand. A deep breath or just something to interrupt the unending lists made spiralling nonexistent. Enjoying the small moments & the in-betweens. https://www.instagram.com/p/CToHAQ9DZsb/?utm_medium=tumblr

[forlornly]

[thisisnotawritingblog]

so far, this month is about retracing back to the things i loved to do - writing & reading. it has been too long since i last devoured a book & it felt like i just had a glimpse of my younger self, but from a different perspective. it also has been far too long since i’ve taken a few moments of my day to write, & i’ve forgotten how cathartic that feels. i can feel the risings within me as if i’m forgetting to breathe again; there are a few things seeping in through the cracks & the triggers are gently pouring in. yet, it’s no longer as constricting as it was back then. but in the messiness of it, i find my way back to calming my breath. april 20 , 2021 
https://www.instagram.com/p/CN6WyZUB6BL0pCoFLpFrZDQnpvsDYoFoJHe4iI0/?igshid=mg0plw6kfhh5

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What life do I crave? Living presently. To be so enamored in the now, that filling up the crevices no longer requires thinking of the past or the future, and just slowly living from moment to moment being led by love not fear. The kind of life that bears no expectations or regrets. The kind of life that is simple yet filled with love.

Open up, this world is your playground.

[thisisnotawritingblog]

“Don’t be afraid to do something just because you’re scared of what people are going to say about you. People will judge you no matter what.”

— - unknown (via quotelounge)

  (via quotelounge)

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here we are exactly five years later, what a coincidence.

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Begin again.

How long ago since I did these monthly end posts? It feels too long ago. (Update: It's been over 4 years, where did time go?)

March felt slow and fast at the same time, if that makes sense. At the beginning, it felt like time was dragging, like life was passing by too slowly, yet when the month came to the end I’m like, where the hell did March go?

Received a copy of Femme Issue 3, in which I’ve finally contributed. Took me 2 years to finally share a piece of my writing.

Five year work anniversary

Slowing down and hibernating made up most of this month, which meant I had to constantly check in with myself that it’s okay -- except until it wasn’t, but it is what it is.

Started embroidery - it is definitely a work in progress, and it requires a lot of patience.

It’s okay to enjoy something without needing to be so hard on myself about it , or measuring how good I am at it. I can just simply enjoy an activity for what it is.

Spontaneous and fun was the energy I was trying to emulate for March, but I went a little reckless at some point. Lessons learned.

Started reading a few books, listened to a few podcasts, audiobooks

Paid off one of my two student loans off.

March for me was slipping off the path I was on, as I’ve let past patterns come through the cracks & then realigning back while acknowledging them. It’s almost like when accomplishments come by, I quickly shut it down. Celebrating seems to be a foreign thing for me. Now in retrospect, I see the series of events and triggers that made March slippery for me, but there’s always a chance to begin again.

Hello April! Less consumption, more creation.

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March 14 2021

Slow living , intentional.

I wish I remember the exact moment that decided it was no longer okay to have fun for the sake of having fun, because what's apparently necessary is to always perform and be productive. Honestly, even if I do remember the exact moment, I don't know if I'll be able to stop it. It may even be a culmination of events that lead to just always performing so that no time is wasted and that life is going according to a set of things to do.

For the longest time, I've forgotten how to live and just went on to exist for the sake of surviving. And as I have slowly unravel myself away from existing, I want to fill my life with intentional living, enjoying the moments without attached agendas.

[myfairylily]

Lacock, UK | ajbrittain 

[goodreadss]

“And that’s what I wish for you: to start living today, not tomorrow.”

—

[thisisnotawritingblog]

note to self : again and again until i start telling mine, my version

[iambrillyant]

“on some days, you will feel more fragile than you do on others. allow yourself to break. allow yourself to sink. allow yourself to retreat. you are allowed days like these; days to feel, days to recluse, days to process. tomorrow will taste much sweeter.”

— iambrillyant

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comfort zones 

I liked staying in my comfort zones because it felt safe, but it didn’t challenge me. It didn’t add to my growth. I remember on the first day of 2015 that I told myself “I want to be a better person” (indirectly, I want to grow in all aspects). I was growing slowly, until I hit a point in my life that made me choose between two options-- I stay in a toxic environment that I’m currently in or walk away and pave a new path for myself. I chose the latter. I made that choice three years ago of stepping out of my comfort zone that was no longer serving me and opened up new opportunities to challenge my idea of comfort zones. 

This past few months, I am relearning to step out of my comfort zone and open up to sharing my vulnerability. I admit that it’s scary to take that fear aside and be vulnerable anyways but for the past three years that I’ve stopped, I’ve been wanting to share my thoughts and document my life but I was too fearful. Now, I want to keep taking that fear aside and keep sharing anyways. 

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unbecoming -- a work in progress.

depriving myself of writing for the sake of nonexistent judgments from “others” is detrimental to the point of me wondering “why am i so hard on myself? why do i deprive myself of expressing myself through writing?” my answer to these questions is that i judge already that it’s a failure before i even had the chance to start. engrained in my system is the repetition of “you’re not good enough, why even bother?” in which now i would like to answer with “watch me and who are you to tell me i’m not good enough?” under whose standards do i fail to be good enough? what criteria do you even define as being good enough? 

[xshayarsha]

“Anger and tenderness: my selves. And now I can believe they breathe in me as angels, not polarities.”

— Adrienne Rich; from The Dream of a Common Language; Integrity.

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Unravel

May 25, 2020

“Start slow, unravel the passion within; let fear, your visitor, watch from the sidelines. Sit still, feed the fire. Let it be. Sit with the contradiction that pulls you apart.” - February 11 2020

These days, sometimes I am in awe of where I pull my words from. I feel like I am awakening from who I was to who I am becoming. Learning to embrace my past self while making space for who I am becoming is quite an exciting shift. I have never felt myself this much alive until now as I embrace what I know. I can feel the fire within me to pursue writing. I don’t fully know where my words will take me but I am reminded that I write to feel my emotions, to untangle my thoughts, to reveal who I used to be and to heal along the process. 

I used to hate reading back what I write, but I’m quite grateful now that I have almost ten years worth of writing here in this blog.