this isn't control

Only a coward fears death.

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vincent-grise:

“Calvin? Doubt it. He’s a miserable bastard and wants all of us to suffer along with him.”

“He sounds like a charming man. Though I guess I cannot blame him for wanting to spread out the misery.”

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janek mazur. the morning.

[8tracks] [youtube]

Can’t Stand The Rain - The Rescues

“Pulled the curtains though the sun had given up; My blackened heart was next in line; Waste my day away just staring at the ceiling; My memories keep leaking in”

I feel as though this song perfectly shows how I picture Janek. He’s become bitter and spends most of his time locked away from the rest of the world, but there are short breaks when things are so bad (see: when Robert’s around).

English Summer Rain - Placebo

“Always stays the same, nothing ever changes”

Coming to America was essentially a death sentence to his career, and ever since then everything’s become a stale unchanging routine. The monotony of it has worn Janek down and is a big part of his bitterness.

Black Hole Sun - Soundgarden

“Black hole sun; Won't you come; And wash away the rain?”

As stated in his bio, Janek is always either out drinking and dancing, or he’s miserable. This song is those miserable moments, it’s a sort of surreal song that feels almost nihilistic, and I think it encapsulates the feeling Janek has when he’s alone with the reality of what life has become for him.

Day is Done - Nick Drake

“When the party's through; Seems so very sad for you; Didn't do the things you meant to do; Now there's no time to start anew; Now the party's through”

Janek knows he doesn’t have much time left, and though most of the time he’s come to peace with that (sometimes even welcoming the fact), he does have moments of fear that he buries deep. He’s accepted he’s never going to get better, and he’s accepted he’s never going to get back all he’s lost, but he really wishes he wasn’t so resigned to it some days.

Gravity - A Perfect Circle

“I am surrendering to gravity and the unknown; Catch me heal me lift me back up to the sun”

The lyrics above have always felt like a good representation of Janek’s resignation to the forces that have put him in this situation. Everything’s so much bigger than him, and he’s accepted that there’s nothing he can do to stop what’s happened and what’s happening.

Against the Tide - Celldweller

“The water is pulling down; The moon's eclipsing the sun; The ending that we knew would come; Has finally begun”

While the other songs represent Janek’s acceptance towards his oncoming death and the destruction of his country, this song represents more his realization that he can’t fight what’s happening. There was a time when he thought he could change things, and he fought ‘against the tide’ in order to do so. He resisted German and Russian control, and he once thought he would make it through his illness. Unlike the end of the song, he’s given up on holding out and has accepted the way things now are.

Dawn - Poets of the Fall

“A new light is warm, shining down on you after the storm; Don't mourn what is gone, greet the dawn”

Unlike the other songs, this one presents a much more optimistic look on acceptance and moving on from the past. Though he’s hardpressed to find the good that’s come from his situation, he knows there are some good things that have come from moving to America.

O Green World - Gorillaz

“O green world; Don't desert me now; Bring me back to fallen town; Where someone is still alive; Fighting for something new in this”

This song comes it two parts. Verse one, similar to Against The Tide, comes from when Janek still felt his situation was salvageable. He thought things would return to normal, he would be able to travel again and live a long successful life. Verse two comes from the same place as Gravity and English Summer Rain, a place of resignation and acceptance of his lot in life.

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vincent-grise:

“It’s a fine song for drinking and moping to, but I’m in the mood for something a little more cheerful.”

“Mm,” he looked around at the bar, “Most everyone else seems to be happy drinking and moping. I suppose they are just playing along with the mood everyone else is setting.”

“Do you think they will take a request to change the music?”

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vincent-grise:

Come on, now. Put on some music we can dance to!

“Who decided to even play this? It is depressing, really.”

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Pleasant // Robert and Janek

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robert-winters:

“Really?” Robert snorted, feeling heat rising in his cheeks, though he was sure it was just a playful jab in his direction towards his general disposition on life. “I wouldn’t know. I can’t really remember the last time I’ve fully relaxed. The city here moves so fast and screams so loud. It’s hard to slow down. With all the noise already in my head, it’s a wonder I get any sleep at all.”

He opened his eyes, watched Janek move deftly around him, trimming the split ends of his hair. “Something tells me you’ve cut hair fairly often in the past. Makes me think you could’ve been a barber or something, if you wanted to that is.” He didn’t know Janek’s past or his reasoning for the skill, wasn’t sure if it was something he should have even brought up, but if he spent all of his time being quiet over what he thought he ought not say, then he probably wouldn’t say anything at all. “Of course, your first love was chess, right?”

He glanced upwards at Janek’s face, and he wondered if the question’s answer was something–or someone– entirely different. Most people fell in love with a person first, after all… but it was only an expression. 

“Saying chess was my first love would be the easy answer. Not an entirely true answer either,” he explained, “I enjoyed it, yes, but not entirely because I loved the game itself. I loved the attention it brought, I loved that it let me travel, I loved seeing people who’d once underestimated me recognize their mistakes, I loved the challenge. I do not know if I loved the game though. At least, I cannot say I love it anymore.”

He looked down at Robert, “It is odd though, playing the game with you, I felt like I might enjoy it again,” he admitted, only to realize he’d completely stopped cutting Robert’s hair. As he spoke, his hands had relaxed around the scissors, and before he had a chance to readjust his grip, he dropped the scissors to the floor. He quickly stooped to grab them, and while he was crouched down on the floor, he looked at up at Robert. 

He hardly thought about what he was doing before he moved up and kissed him. It only lasted for a second before her pulled away, realizing exactly what he’d done. His heart rate rose and he moved away from Robert. “I am so, so sorry.”

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Pleasant // Robert and Janek

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robert-winters:

“It doesn’t much matter to me,” Robert said as he followed him into the bathroom. He could still see the pot on the stove from where he sat down, so he figured the spot was fine. “I don’t often get told anything looks ‘nice’ on me though.” He chuckled a little. “Then again, I don’t exactly put a whole lot of effort into myself and all of my clothing is old and mismatched. I probably look like a vagrant more often than not. The trim will hopefully help with that. Do as you please.”

He couldn’t help but close his eyes for a moment when Janek put his fingers into his hair, combing out the few tangles. Robert and his mother had had very few tender moments together throughout his life, but he could recall when he was very small the times when she’d pet his hair in a similar way, letting him sigh into peace whenever he made a fuss. She probably only did it to make him shut up, but it still felt nice. 

“Yeah, they’d keep it fairly short when I was fighting. Shave the sides and whatnot. It certainly was more manageable than what I have now, but I always thought it looked odd on me when it was so short. I think I might have an odd shaped head.”

Janek pulled out what knots there were slowly as he listened to Robert speak, hoping he didn’t hurt him while he did so. He was glad Robert didn’t ask for his hair to be cut very short, but he didn’t say anything, instead he just smiled. After considering for a moment, he made the first cut. He figured he would start off cutting just a bit off the top and sides and then go shorter from there.

“I am certain it does not look so bad,” he commented, “Though I do think you look nice with longer hair. It’s different,” he admitted, though he made no comments on his mismatched clothes. Robert certainly didn’t seem to have much variety in clothing, and it didn’t seem he really put much care into dressing.

Janek briefly considered offering to buy him some clothing, but it might be a bit too much if he did that. Robert always seemed a little apprehensive over his offers to spend money on him- but he Janek couldn’t help but do so. He couldn’t exactly explain it, but truly he wanted Robert to be happy, and in the end spending money was about the only way he could think to make that happen. It wasn’t that he thought Robert was materialistic or anything, but there wasn’t much else Janek had to offer.

He began work on the sides, taking a few glances up in the mirror. “You look lovely when you relax,” he muttered without meaning too.

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Pleasant // Robert and Janek

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robert-winters:

“It’s not that far,” Robert assured, though he did sink into a chair at the kitchen table gratefully after putting water in the pot on the stove. It would take a bit for it to boil anyway, so he’d let it be for a minute. “The bum leg isn’t the greatest, but it still gets me where I need to go.”

He took his flask out of his pocket and took a swallow before closing it and setting it on the table. “My entire evening is available, so we’re welcome to do as we please.” He hoped not to get so sad and pathetic this time. He and Janek got along so well that it didn’t feel right to make their encounters so depressing. He was trying to be more friendly, or at least not so surly. It definitely didn’t work around Thomas, but around Janek he was doing all right. 

He ran his hands through his hair, letting it fall in his face. “I’m not certain how much you can do with it, but anything will be better than nothing. Maybe if I look somewhat presentable I can get a job and then I won’t have to ask you to do all this for me. Not that I mind, but… I don’t want to impose.”

“Wonderful, mine is open as well,” he smiled, “Most of my evenings are open actually. And I do not mind spending my evenings with you at all, I find it a bit more enjoyable than being in those stuffy clubs. Far too much smoke,” he admitted, watching Robert work.

“It will take some time for the water to boil, yes? We may as well get the hair cut out of the way. We can take care of it in the bathroom, I will move the stool there so you do not have to stand,” he nodded to a stool sitting in the corner of the kitchen. It would be the first time he’d actually put the thing to use, he’d never really had a reason to use it before. He picked it up and moved it into the bathroom.

“Do you want to cut you hair very short or just a little shorter,” he asked, returning to the kitchen. He actually liked the way Robert hair was, granted it certainly needed a trim, but the long hair looked nice in his opinion, and part of him hoped he wouldn’t have to cut it too short. “I know in the military it’s custom to have short hair but really long hair looks quite nice on you.”

[robert-winters]

set me free, leave me be

I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity

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Pleasant // Robert and Janek

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robert-winters:

Robert wasn’t the type to coif his hair too often, but it still felt weird to be a guest at someone’s place without at least slicking it back a little. It was too long now to do effectively anyway, so he supposed it was fine, and he doubted Janek minded, but still… if nothing else, he’d been taught manners (even if he didn’t always use them). 

He smiled with Janek opened the door, an expression that still felt odd on his face. He was starting to get used to it, though, he thought. “It’s all right,” he said, “I haven’t been waiting long.”

He carried in his supplies, limping along rather heavily. He hadn’t been able to use his cane while carrying everything, so his leg was hurting a bit badly, but he’d had a couple of drinks before he left the apartment to take the edge off. He would, after all, be standing while he made dinner. “So,” he said as he spread everything out on the counter, “are you already hungry or do you want to wait for after the haircut for me to prepare this? It’s going to take a little while.”

Janek watched as Robert brought in the supplies, he hadn’t really thought about how much actually went into cooking. It was a little too late for him to ask if Robert needed help by the time he thought to, so instead he stood to the side with his hands in his pockets and watched. “I had forgotten how much went in to cooking. I had watched Mrs. Pytel cook in our kitchen when I was young but that was so long ago.”

He flipped on the lights in the kitchen for Robert and ignored the throbbing feeling in his head. “I had not gone shopping for food since you came last, so i bought what I thought we might need, but I probably forgot some things,” he admitted, 

“Oh, well, I suppose we could take care of the hair cut since that is what you came here for,” he said, “Besides, it looks like you need to take a seat. Did you walk all the way here?” he saw the way Robert was limping and felt a bit of guilt over not having helped him over to his apartment.

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Red and Black + Text Posts  5/ ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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Pleasant // Robert and Janek

He’d lied about the scissors.

He’d just seen a chance to have Robert over and he’d taken it.

In his defense, he did go and buy some when he bought what he thought they might need to make spaghetti and he hadn’t lied about knowing how to cut hair. He and some of the others cut each others hair while they were in Jaslo. Those times were some of the few pleasant ones, and he found the thought of doing it again just as pleasant.

After the time they’d spent at the cafe, Janek had been considering exactly what he’d been seeing in Robert, and why he actually continued to want to see him again and again. Every past relationship hadn’t been much of anything- he was used to hardly being interested in even their last names then barely thinking about them after. Now he was feeling as though he might somehow have to impress Robert.

And so, it was unfortunate that Thursday night hadn’t been a nice one. It had started out as a young reporter asking a few questions which triggered some unpleasant memories, and ended with him drinking enough to make him forget the rest of the day. He hadn’t even moved from his place on the couch when he heard the knock on the door. He nearly didn’t answer, until he remembered he was expecting company.

“Hold on,” he said, grabbing the bottle and returning it to the kitchen. His head was pounding and he was still in the clothes he’d worn the day before, but he didn’t want to leave Robert waiting too long, so he answered the door as soon as the bottle was put away and the chess board and pieces he didn’t remember taking out the previous night were picked up from the floor.

“Sorry for the wait,” he said, opening the door.

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robert-winters:

I don’t have much to do most of the time, so my schedule is open.

Whenever you’d like.

“Friday?”

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robert-winters:

It’s not hard once you get the basics. I can show you. I make a delicious spaghetti.

“That sounds nice. Any day you would like to come?”

[robert-winters]

I can absolutely do that. Got any requests?

[thisisntcxntrol-blog]

“Something easy? I should learn how to cook some time. You could show me?”

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robert-winters:

Well, you couldn’t do any worse than I do to myself, though I’m not certain it’s capable of having much of a style.

I mean, if you want to, you can. I can’t remember the last time someone else did it for me. Probably when I went into the army.

“Well, we do not know that. As you said, you have been doing it by yourself with dull scissors for some time now.”

“I can try, maybe you could make food again as payment,” he joked.

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robert-winters:

That’d be great, thanks. I’ve been cutting my own hair since I got home from the war, but those old scissors are so dull. I think as long as I have a good pair, I’ll be able to manage. It’s not like anyone cares too much how I look.

“You know if you need any help... Well, I learned how to cut hair during the war.”

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imthomaswinters:

“Robert showed me pictures of Europe from the war, you know. Mostly France and Western Germany, but I can’t imagine Poland fared any better than they did. And it’s land-locked and cold, so no nice summer beaches.”

He hummed, “No, it didn’t fare much better,” he confirmed, “And given its current situation I somehow doubt it’a managed to heal all too well.”