Starting Over, My Story

On my WLS journey. RNY on November 22, 2016. 

[thisisthepartwhereiletyoudown]

Aug 18, 2018

I had been struggling with not knowing if you were the one for me, because it seemed like I was always fucking up in some way or another and making you doubt how I felt about you. I didn’t feel good enough, I felt like you deserved much better. You were too good for me. However after these last couple of weeks things seem to have smoothed out. I was so worried about you when you went to the ER last weekend, all I could think about was hoping you were okay and taking care of you. I went to the hospital to be by your side without you asking because I wanted to make sure you were okay, I wanted to be by your side and comfort you. I wanted you to know that I love you and would be there for you no matter what.

We had a conversation the other night that made me realize how much you love me, what I mean to you and what you want. You’ve never been good about telling me what you want with us, with me. I know you’re trying to get better with that because you know I need the reassurance because of my anxiety and depression (I’m sorry for that by the way, I cant help that I need the reassurance constantly but it really does help me). You said you want to be with me forever, that you want a future together that includes getting married and having a family. But every time I mention us having a baby you would say “we will eventually.” and I thought it meant in another 5 or 10 years, I cant wait that long and I told you that. Then you told me the other night that you want to start trying for a baby within the next year and dear lord, I cant tell you how happy that makes me. Especially since I’ve already gotten my birth control taken out to try to get pregnant. I want to have your children. Am I ready? No, but I dont think anyone is ever 100% ready to have kids. I know we’re struggling financially and we’re both working 2 jobs, but I see it like this, we’re working for a better future for ourselves and our future children. Am I scared? Oh hell yes! Even though I’m the one who took the step of getting off birth control to get pregnant doesn’t mean that I’m not terrified of bringing another life into this world. I worry that I wont be a good mom. I worry that I’ll be that mom you read about in the news or see on tv that killed her children because of post-partum psychosis/depression. I am terrified to get off my antidepressants and whatnot during pregnancy and breast feeding. But I’m more scared of the potential harm they could do. I love that you and I agree about the genetic testing and what we would do if we found out the child wouldn’t have a good quality of life. That’s important to me more than you’ll ever know. I know you’re scared. Scared you wont be a good dad, scared you’ll end up like your biological father. But when I look at you, I just dont see it. I’ve seen you around kids and you are amazing, it makes me excited to watch you with our own children. God, I wish you knew how I excited I am to have your babies. I think they’ll be beautiful. Especially if they take after you. I hope they have green eyes like you, which is silly but god you have the most gorgeous eyes. I am so ready to take on this adventure with you, I’m ready to get pregnant and have your babies and raise a family together.

I cant wait to see what the future holds for us. I am more than ready to be your wife and the mother of your children. I am so excited for the future, more so than I have ever been before <3 

[beardedhippy420-blog]

[thisisthepartwhereiletyoudown]

Sleeping next to you last night was amazing. It's my favorite place to be, I can actually sleep the whole night with you next to me.

[poems-and-word]

[poems-and-word]

[poems-and-word]

[only-by-night-deactivated201612]

[dying-hbu]

*looks at self in the mirror*

Me to myself: Isn’t that the most disgusting thing you’ve ever laid your eyes upon?

[fairycosmos]

sry but depression for me isn’t smudged mascara and crying into a boy’s chest and acting romantic and reckless, it’s honestly just staring at the wall and not showering for days and not going out with friends and feeling so fucking disconnected from everything that i can barely breathe. it’s not pretty. it doesn’t have to be pretty. fuck you for trying to make a mental illness aesthetically pleasing, like it’s something i should be proud of. 

[c0nstantine-o]

[poems-and-word]

[mentalllyunstable]

[poems-and-word]

[nlori1234-deactivated20170203]

[c-isnenegro]

[the-suicide-effect]

[suicide-is-my-father]

[thisisthepartwhereiletyoudown]

Fate Brought You Back

I’ll admit I’m probably one of the mushiest people I know. I honestly believe in fate and everything happening for a reason. I believe that fate brought my boyfriend back into my life after us not talking since 2009. The hand of fate just so happens to be my current boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend who is my childhood friend’s sister. She came over to get some clothes from me that I had outgrown via WLS and brought him with her. I hadn’t seen him or talked to him since we had a falling out back in ‘09. I found out from her that he had had WLS as well and we started talking about that and our struggles with it and finding food we could eat/enjoy. He said he wanted to add me on Facebook and maybe swap recipes for bariatric surgery patients, that’s how we started talking again. Then he came over for the first time on my birthday last year (2017) and well, the rest is history as they say... I fought hard to have him in my life, not just as my friend but as my boyfriend. We both went through breakups last year, both in April. I was ready for a new relationship long before he was, not because I didn’t love the person I had previously been with, but because I had so much love to give still and I knew that I really liked him. Plus he made the mistake early on of telling me that he had had feelings for me since we were kids, like I said, I knew him way back when he was dating my friend’s sister when we were teens. The more he and I hung out last year (summer/fall/winter) the more I realized I really liked him. But he was hesitant, told me at one point he just couldn’t do it, couldn’t date me despite having feelings for me, because he was still in love with his ex... but that he still wanted to keep coming around and seeing me and sleeping with me. Let me tell you that basically crushed my soul. Like that feeling where your stomach drops and you think you’re gonna be sick. Yea that’s the feeling I got when he told me that. I hated it. I was so mad at him and so unbelievably hurt. Why tell me he had feelings for me and wanted to see where things could go with us if he still felt that way for her? It didn’t stop me from having feelings for him, or pursuing him. Though it probably should have because I spent a lot of time feeling like crap about it. I knew in November that I loved him and when I went to my friend’s Friends-giving dinner I was drinking and told him that I love him. He asked me the next day if I remembered telling him that (because I have a history of drinking til I blacked out last year) and I told him that yea, I did remember it because I didn’t drink much the night before, and that yes I meant it. He still wasn’t ready. Any time I’d tell him that I loved him when he was around or via text he’d say “I know you do” or change the subject. He invited me to his family’s Christmas get together and since we weren’t together it was weird for me that he would do that. His mom kept introducing me as his girlfriend and he would correct her and say “she’s not my girlfriend, she’s just my friend.” It kinda hurt. The following day though, Christmas day 2017 to be exact, I met his brother and this time his mom introduced me to him and said “This is John’s friend...” he corrected her and said “Nah, she’s my girlfriend at this point.” He had a change of heart overnight and I cant even explain how that made me feel. He said that he was ready to finally give it a shot, that he was scared shitless and still didn’t know if he could do it (fear from past relationships that it would just fail or he would sabotage it), but that he really did want to give it a shot. He still wouldn’t tell me he loved me. I didn’t push, I still said it to him. It was whatever to me. He didn’t say it until after Valentine’s Day 2018. It was the greatest thing ever to hear him say it back to me. I dont think I’ll ever get tired of hearing it to be honest. I cannot wait to see what the future holds for us and spend my life with him. It feels right, it feels like home when I’m with him. I guess maybe it has something to do with knowing him for like 11 years or however long exactly it’s been. I really do feel like fate brought him back into my life.