S E C R E T S

Some things are meant to be unspoken, some things are meant only for my eyes. But some, I only wish you'd read.

[thislifewithme96]

18/3/2020

Honestly.... Ytd was sort of a breakthrough moment.

For the past however many months I have felt shitty about where I am. LITERALLY. Working in a lab where my boss hates me, for no damn reason at all, where my boss doesn't see her own mistakes but everyone else is wrong 🙄, where my colleagues are all snakes.... I had enough.

I somehow always manage to convince myself to stay. I'll also catch myself relentently trying to believe that things will get better... but deep down I know it won't. I'll also catch myself thinking about the negatives of leaving, even tho I HAVE TO LEAVE.

But now there's a sliver of hope for me.

I can really leave and have somewhere else to go. I do still have to worry about getting the job, but there are jobs available.

I was unlucky to have met my current boss... but ultimately I was lucky because I met an amazing mentor. I was in a really dark place for a really long time. But I think it's time. It's time to move on and let go. No more lingering ties. I'm cutting it.

I don't really believe in a god, maybe I do, IDK.. but really pray to whatever it is, that just please give me courage and faith to stay on this path. To push me to pursue a new career. Because I know that I could fall off this path again, just like I did before..🙏🏼

Please let this work out. Please 🙏🏼

[ssomebackgrounds]

[thislifewithme96]

Im honestly quite tired with my finances

I earn a decent pay, actually it's a pretty good pay for my age and experience. However, it is hard for me to save at the speed I want.

Every few months I get into abit it a "situation" where my savings are stumped due to unexpected expenditure. Of course I can afford it at this point, but I choose to be strict about it.

When I hit my first financial goal I let go of the reigns abit. I still wanted to save up quickly however I also needed to be able to spend.

But that was where my issues started. I held off a lot of things because I wanted to "save for the month" or "idw to exceed my Budget", but I know my budget is really Low, and usually it's set based on predicted expenditure.

So as of late, he's been really annoying with me about money. Now don't get me wrong, of course I'm willing to spend. But there's a difference between being willing to spend, and going out of my way to be willing to spend for him.

If he wants me to buy him a meal sure. If I can afford it why not. But there comes certain months where I exceeded my Budget and I'm just waiting for the next months pay so I can at least stop spending from my savings. And but he doesn't understand.

"You can spend money on your skincare, or buy all these things you cannot buy me a meal?"

First and foremost, I didn't say I wouldn't buy you a meal, I said can we wait till after the 15th. Second of all, yes I can spend money on my skincare because at this point to me it's a necessity. I'm breaking our incessively and it's ruining my self esteem and my moral for basically anything. I don't go out or meet people, I isolate myself. So yes, for my mental wellbeing. Yes. I need to spend that money.

And Guess what? You'll never understand that. I'll always be marked as the one who always spend is so much money in her stuff but not on him.

But then again, I didn't say I wouldn't, I only said if it possible on another week. It's still within the fucking month...

Also do we need to address the your Lowly ways of getting me to pay for shit.

If you want me to pay just fucking ask. If I'm unable to i'll tell you. If you want me to buy the tickets, if I'm tight i'll tell you i'll buy the next one or when I can imll buy 2 movies. But you asking me to "pay first" then telling me "can't you pay for one movie?"

That's fucking low move bro. If I'm tight, you asking me to pay first, sure I can, cause I know you're paying me back so i'll pay first no issues. But if you ask me to pay first and then change hor words to can't you pay for this...no bro I can't.. not if you're using such Low moves to make me pay

[thislifewithme96]

It's almost time

Almost there....

[heartial]

rev·er·ie

/ˈrev(ə)rē/

noun a state of being pleasantly lost in one’s thoughts; a daydream.

[thislifewithme96]

You're still conceited

I'm still conceited.

You're still a liar.

And its neevr a good time.

[thislifewithme96]

I can't.....

All it really takes is one little thing.... and it's over....

[allure-uploads]

[lovbun-deactivated20180210]

[dailyhosk]

[books-n-quotes]

“If you can love the wrong one so much, just imagine how much you can love the right one.”

— Brandon Stanton, Humans of New York

[thislifewithme96]

Being grateful

There's so much I should be grateful about, yet daily I forget to count my blessings 🙏🏼

I was blinded by greed and my own pursuit of perfection I forgot to look ard.

I'm blessed.

To have a job.

To have a family.

To have friends.

To have a lover.

To look a certain way.

To have the things I have.

To have opportunities.

To have options.

To have prospects.

To be healthy.

To have a roof over my head.

To not be hungry.

To buy the things I want.

To have access to the internet.

I'm blessed, I am grateful for all that I have.

[thislifewithme96]

I won't go down that path again.

[thislifewithme96]

Thoughts...

Woah...today has been another day of realization and awakening...

i just found out about the Christabel Chua scandal and god she must be have had to be so brave... to move on from that? 

To have to not only face the breakup but the world knowing the dirty parts of it all. It just made me realize how strong and brave someone can be...

At the same time it also made me realize how trust is a big thing, like to have so much trust in someone and for them to break it, how do you even recover from that? Will i ever be able to trust again?

Let’s hope so..

[thislifewithme96]

Still hung up...

You know... its still on my mind... and everyday i try my best to look past it? However much i trust you, or wished i did, I can’t. I knew things i shouldn’t have and i saw too much to turn away...Right now i desperately want to trust and i want to look past it but... every step you make towards me, i’m skeptical...

I don’t want to be caught up in a lie, or to be fooled (again) because i’m gullible. I don’t want to be put in that position because i know getting back up is tough. Idw to be living a lie.

I am still trying to make this work, but why won’t you just answer the questions? instead of avoiding them or saying things like “i think you’re really psycho?” Why do you always have to deflect the issue back onto me when that’s not the point? Its hard to smile when a part of me dies everyday.

[thislifewithme96]

Is he cheating?

[thislifewithme96]

I appreciate the honestly

I really do ❤️🙏🏼

It may not be the best thing for me to hear but it does make me feel better.... I feel like I know a part of you ❤️