idk.

Troubled Past, Struggling at Present, but Cheers to a Chaotic Future.

[thistease-blog]

Conflict.

I'm feeling conflicted. One Side: I want to eat more and be more carefree with eating. I don't like worrying about the shape of my stomach all the time and trying to always restrict my intake to maintain or flatten my stomach. Other Side: I really like my body and appearance she my stomach is small and flat. It makes me feel happier and much more comfortable with my body. But it's hard to maintain and when I don't, when I eat too much, I feel depressed and am annoyed at myself. And then sometimes I binge or indulge in too much food to deal with my emotions. Sigh..

[katherineblood]

[thistease-blog]

Intake 25/3/14

Breakfast: Banana Bread (350) + Skim Cappuccino (70) Lunch: Chocolate coconut cranberry slice (200?) + 500ml wild berries cider (330) Dinner: Chocolate coconut cranberry slice (200?) + 1/2 Biscuit (100) + Banana Bread (350) = Feel really full and sad. 1600 calories :(

[thistease-blog]

BMI of 15.94 with clothes and shoes on :S how?

I look thin but not sickly. As my BMI would suggest. I also have no muscle though. Either way, should eat better.

[thistease-blog]

Had a breakfast milk for breakfast.

And then two hours later I had a binge on chips, olives, cheese pastry, ice cream, peanut butter and a plate of pasta. 

I was restricting all week, trying to eat less, mainly for a party because I hate this skinny fit girl there who hits on my boyfriend. :(

And now I've binged and I hate it because now my stomach is sticking out which is what I was trying to avoid from happening. 

I'm really sick of this fucked up eating. I know it has to stop but before I know it I'm going back to restricting or binging. It's very sad. 

[thistease-blog]

I hate myself.

I don't feel like I'm progressing. Instead I'm getting so stressed out by my studies and force feeding myself despite being full and with no cravings. I don't know why I treat myself so poorly and make myself feel physically uncomfortable because I'm in emotional pain.

[thistease-blog]

Binged today :( Will I ever be cured of this eating disorder? I really don't know what to do anymore.. nothing seems to work. :(

[lanaquote]

[lanaquote]

[lanaquote]

[mitchdoeslife]

[aseaofquotes]

[aseaofquotes]

Hunter S. Thompson, The Rum Diary

[landscapepalettes]

[thistease-blog]

My eating disorder is a real beast. It is so stressful living with an eating disorder, you have no idea unless you've gone through it. 

It feels as though I'm always going through periods of overeating and restricting, now with more overeating than restricting. It really lowers my self esteem/happiness. I feel so uncomfortable all the time. I don't really enjoy eating because I feel so bad about my body and eating habits. :( It's so difficult to get back on track. Much easier said than done. :(

And worse is the guilt. When someone takes you out for a meal. And then you come home and eat more anyway and become stuffed. I feel like I've just wasted their money. :( :( Breaks my heart a bit.

[thistease-blog]

I'm really NOT doing well. Past few days has consisted of so much emotional eating because uni is upsetting me that much. Why do I have to suffer so much in life? I can't handle any of this shit. No one understands.

[thistease-blog]

I'm so sick of people telling me I am not acting in the appropriate or expected way. Stop telling me I'm abnormal and strange. I'm fucking sick of it. I find you weird but that is my opinion and doesn't make it so/factual. 

I'm sorry I'm not all happy just because I've fallen in love. Because LIFE happens. I'm so happy with my love life but it's not my world - I have so many issues - body/eating issues and above all, my studies. If I focused on my love I'd fuck up my studies. I'm a level-headed kind of girl. I'm sorry I'm not stupefied with love. That doesn't mean I'm not in love. I find that so unbelievably hurtful. 

I'm sorry if I cry sometimes, at times you feel are strange and inappropriate. Seriously, go fuck yourself for trying to suppress my emotions.

I'm sorry that my intense sadness and stress over my studies doesn't make sense to you. Trust me, I wish I wasn't so affected by it. I hate that I care so much and feel so incapable of doing anythingggg. 

Why can't people just try to understand me? I'm in love and I contain raw emotion and I'm crippled with sadness in regards to my studies. I can't help these things. Far out.

[thistease-blog]

My boyfriend likes thin girls. Pressure to be thin? Yes.

My mother has bought my favourite sweets so I have been eating a lot of them and I have now formed a thick layer of fat around my waist and I have a bigger stomach. It is depressing to basically always feel full and look chubby.

I am currently sitting next to a bottle of disgusting wine and it is still early morning.

I am not enjoying my degree and do not want to become anything. 

I have so many major assessments coming up and so little motivation. They are difficult and time consuming and I am so sick of university. I want to live already. But I do not know how to survive in this world. School only teaches you how to study and express your knowledge.

I am having trouble getting a part-time job and am quickly running out of money which will be a real problem soon.