a/n: the events took place a week or two before class 2.
Sieun was dreaming of them again.
“You really are a psycho.” It was Suho.
The memories of the people he cared about flooded him again.
From Suho, his saviour.
“You should understand me, Sieun.”
Beomseok, the one he cannot save.
Over and over again.
“Don’t do this to us, Sieun. Please.”
To you, his universe.
On repeat like a cycle, he will never forget the pain and the horror.
The memories faded as quickly as it came in his dreams.
Then he woke up, his chest rose and fell with unsteady breaths and cold sweats formed on his forehead in his closed bedroom. His pulse leaping he can hear it in his ears aloud. He rose from his bed, eyes landed on the clock reading 5:07 AM.
He woke up too early again, still he was tired, he'll probably take a nap later in the afternoon.
It was the weekend, he had nothing on his schedule except to study and apply to different universities. His mother kept telling him that he will do fine studying abroad, well she is the first one who suggested for him to leave Korea and pursue higher education in more prominent colleges. She was excited and spent as many days as she could with him, but Sieun knew every time he spent with his mom was scarce and will never be enough to amend the childhood he had without her.
But he didn't oppose the idea of leaving everything behind in Seoul. Maybe not on the surface level where he became more gloomy, more drained, and more isolated. There is a feeling within him he couldn't figure out that stays in his stomach for too long whenever his mind wanders on transferring abroad.
He could accidentally bump into Beomseok abroad. His fists would curl and the urge to punch his former friend in the face is present, but he will not be able to do it. At the end of the day, he cared about the boy, loved him even, and all the rage is actually just the bitter sorrow of losing someone beyond saving.
Beomseok sometimes haunted him in his nightmares. Where there's no visible space except an endless darkness at the boxing ring, he just sat and his head lowered down in guilt, and waited until he woke up to have the same dreams all over again.
And Suho— his dear friend Suho, deep in his god knows how long slumber. Immobile and silent, atypical of him. But when Sieun settled down on the cold, metal bench in front of Suho’s room, he heard the laughter, the nonsense and jokes, the munching of shared snacks, and his last words to him. I'll see you tomorrow.
But tomorrow did come and Suho was not there to greet him with his big, goofy smile while leaning on his motorcycle. Instead, he was in a coma.
When Sieun opened his eyes, he was back again on the freezing, depressing and sterile hospital bench. Right, it's just his imagination now. All by himself with his phone on hand, writing to Suho’s number as if he would reply. No, Sieun was not looking for a reply (he does), he was looking for a place to unshackle this enormous grief locked up in his own cage.
After he was done with the visit, his legs would drag him in the park where it all began and ended. The very same place he saw you cried as a boy in the same cram school as you, you let yourself fall on his arms and clutched on his hoodie in a desperate attempt to get a grip on yourself.
If only he could be worthy of you after every atrocity he had done in the name of love (and revenge), he would not let you go.
In all of his dreams, you are there. Walking next to him with your hands intertwined with his. It's bright in these dreams, the sunlight catching your hair like shiny diamonds, your skin soft against his rough ones, you whispering sweet things to him and your smile didn't falter once. They were good. So good he believed he could sleep peacefully.
The good dreams lasted for a while before it turned to somewhere darker. You were crying there, grabbing his hand with no intention of letting go, begging him not to leave you alone. Always he pushed you away in these dreams, just like in reality he had to break off your relationship.
It has been a year since the last time he saw you.
It has been a year since he last touched your skin.
It has been a year since he broke your heart for the reason of keeping you safe.
One whole numbing year long you tormented his life and his sleep state without you being physically there. A punishment of some sort for destroying the little warmth you could braced to him. He didn't take it for granted, your gentleness and warmth were washing him every time he felt dirty. He didn't waste it, on the contrary, he felt unworthy of the things you had to endure because you were romantically involved with him.
(“If I got accepted to SNU, where would you study?” you asked. Smoothing his hair with your fingers as he lay his head on your lap. Both of you were on the couch in his apartment.
“Wherever you are,” he answered instantly, like there are no other options except your plan.
You rolled your eyes. “So you plan to follow me?”
“Yes,” he murmured, he closed his eyes and found calmness on the massages you did on his scalp.
“You’re such a puppy.”
“Am I now?” he asked.
“Yes,” he lifted himself off your lap and you placed a peck on his lips and pinched his soft cheeks. “My cute puppy.”
“Stop that,” he said, trying to remove your hands, stinging his cheeks like an ant bite. But you were stubborn, resisting his hands that attempted to fend yours off, putting his energy that felt like you're playing tug of war.
“Gosh, why are you so strong?” you said, struggling to loosen his grip on your hands.
“I’m not. I’m using all my strength to stop your hands and you're not using all of yours.”
You chuckled after, accepting defeat. “Okay, okay. I will never pinch your cheeks again.”
But Sieun didn't move, he looked at you as if he was memorizing your face. From your eyes, your nose, your lips he always wants to kiss and only does when you ask first, the blemishes and moles, and the pimple patches scattered throughout your whole face that makes your face imperfect yet absolutely beautiful.
He took your hands to his lips, kissing your right knuckles, then your left before he placed them on his cheeks again.
“Is something wrong?” you asked curiously. Because he's not this affectionate to you, he was a little awkward in loving you like navigating a map he's never seen throughout his lifetime.
He kissed your palm. “Nothing.”
“You’re crazy sweet,” you commented while he continued peppering small kisses on both your palms. “It’s also crazy growing on me.”
There's a small and subtle smile on his lips. “I hope so.”
He pressed more kisses on your palms as many times as the number of stars in the sky.
And then you started giggling, pulling your hands away from his intimate kisses. “Okay, let's stop that now. It's getting ticklish.”
He leaned forward, closing the distance between you and him, and you met him half way to share a sweet kiss.)
Sieun closed his eyes to stop the happy memories invading his head. Your presence, even if you are a few hours away, chose to appear whenever he saw a trinket or a couple evoking such precarious emotions that would almost usher him to pick up his phone, stare at your photos, or read your previous messages to each other.
He kept reminding himself that your relationship would be put in danger if he continued dating you. He kept telling himself that it was right, that it was good and the proper solution is to keep you safe. He did it to protect you from harm as he promised to you that night you were almost beaten, almost assaulted, and sold off by two thugs. He figured that you're better off without him. His decision was ethical and justified, even if his heart screams in anger for breaking your heart.
(“You matter to me,” he said, almost lifeless and tedious. He doesn't want this either, but he had no other choice. “I promised you nothing will ever hurt again and I'm intending on keeping that promise if it means I had to push you away.”
“But you are hurting me right now,” you sobbed, tears streaming down your eyes as you wiped them with your palms. “You’re breaking my heart.”
A lump rose from his throat and his heart sank, almost on the verge of shattering. He hates to see you cry, especially like this one because he was the cause of your pain.
“I know,” he mumbled helplessly. “And I’m sorry for breaking it.”
“You really mean it, don't you?” you asked again, still in the stage of denial while your whole face says otherwise: you don't want to accept breaking up with him.
“I do,” he didn't wait for another second, he answered as if he was sure of it and damn the consequences after.
You blinked, then you chuckled with bitterness and a heavy heart. “You really are a coward, Sieun.”
That felt worse more than the broken bones, cut from knives, and bruises from punches.
He bit his tongue before saying, “I am.”)
Sieun caught himself ruminating about you. His heart aches whenever he gets stuck on the past until he starts to wonder what he could be if you are still present in his days.
No, stop. You did what you had to do. You made your peace in it.
He's currently in a therapy session organized by his mother. Once a week, an hour or less every Saturday. It's meaningless, it would do him no improvement, and certainly, the cure to his symptoms is simply non-existent.
“How have you been, Sieun?” the psychiatrist asked.
“Good.” Lie. He's not fine. He's living in a slow, torturous hell with no end.
The psychiatrist hummed, used to the answer she got from her patients. “Did you sleep last night?”
Lying wasn't Sieun’s greatest asset. Lying is much more difficult than being silent. A liar had to speak untruthful things while a mute would never tell anyone a thing unless it's necessary. He's used to being a mute, but this session required him to talk.
He shook his head once, it barely moved but the psychiatrist noticed. “I haven't.”
“You didn't take the sleeping pills I prescribed to you?”
Last night, he hid those tiny pills in his study desk drawer. He went to bed with no pills and nightmares awaiting, because the reason behind it would make him sound like a silly, lovestruck fool.
“I forgot,” he answered, flatly. He accepted the fact that the memories and bits of his life with you and his friends in it are already a part of his entirety.
And he will not be ashamed to state how much he missed you if his psychiatrist asked the right question.
Sieun missed you so much.
So much and so bad he dismissed the sleeping pills to see you once more in his dreams, he doesn't care if you'll plague and ruin his thoughts and soul. He wants the vision of you for a few seconds, those seconds that seem insignificant, but he was sure you'll be there.
He missed how you lightened up and waved with your two arms and ran towards him like a child seeing her favorite person and you'll greet him with your crushing hug and a kiss on the side of his lips. Then he'll get flustered as you hold his hand, teasing him slightly before you go to the destination.
It doesn't matter if you strangle him in his dream, knocking out the air in his lungs. It doesn't matter if you punch the shit out of him and stab him with your hurtful words. What matters is the fact that he saw you there. And of course, he heard clearly the words you spoke of him, the description of what he is: a coward.
“Is something bothering you?” the psychiatrist asked, her notebook detailing her observations of him being closed, she put it down on the coffee table he had been staring at since the session began.
This therapy bugged him. The suffocating, locked on the front door, narrow office sucking the little life he had in him until he was nothing but a body of a boy who doesn't know where he is going. But to get his mother off worrying about his mental status, he chose to attend this therapy, because there's nowhere else he should be and it's merely an addition to his schedule, and maybe, there is something that could remove his insomnia.
He doesn't want to tell her. No, he prefers it to be known by him and him only.
“I...” he trailed off, then the silence followed whether he should continue or not. “I’ve been dreaming.”
“Dreaming?” the psychiatrist echoed. “Dreaming about what?”
A picture of you flashed and surfaced involuntarily.
You. You. You. You. You. You.
It's you he saw.
It's mostly about you.
“It’s always the same,” he answered instead, barely blinking and moving on his spot.
The psychiatrist tilted her head. “Can you tell me about this dream?”
“It won't change anything,” he replied blankly, dismissing the question as it invades the only place he can see you at. Only in his dreams.
The psychiatrist nodded her head, sighing. “Let’s end this session for today. Don't skip the sleeping pills at night, alright? Take care, Sieun.”
Sieun left quietly.
He didn't give the psychiatrist a glance or any farewell, he straight up walked out of the establishment with an empty heart and shallow advice.
(“Is this really the right thing?” you asked, your voice choking in your own sob.
It took him a few seconds to formulate an answer. This is hard for him as well.
“Yes,” he swallowed the lump on his throat, straining his composure as he tried not to collapse and pulled you towards him.
Your hold on his hands tightened, lifting your head up and he can see clearly your tear streaked eyes, mouth curled into a frown, and you shaking your head in resistance.
“Don’t do this to us, Sieun. Please,” you whimpered, your tone small and broken. Your hands tremble against his, your fingertips digging on his skin.
“I have to,” he said, untangling your hands around his wrists. “I’m sorry.”)
He had maintained his distance.
He was miles away from where you are.
And the consequence is something he is willing to suffer from if it means he is absent in every corner of your life. He will take all the blame for you to be out of harm's way.
He was good. He did good.
But he knew too well it's not the solution in the long run. And slowly as time progressed, stuck in his guilt and the reminder that everything that happened was his fault, there will be no correct answers to his problem.
—• sypnosis: if you would ask ahn suho what was the most shocking revelation he found out about sieun, it would be the girlfriend sieun never talks about.
—• themes: fluff, implied violence (typical weak hero stuff), mentions of food, romance, suho’s perspective (probably a little ooc)
—• credits: @diviniyae (dividers)
a/n: the timeline might be confusing but it just revolves around ep 1 to ep 4 of season one.
Ahn Suho was never interested in his studies.
Studying, for him, is simply suffering in disguise of learning a lot of things that you will simply forget when you are older. So why bother? Why study when you can work and earn money and probably build a business with advice from businessmen helping young people to be an entrepreneur on YouTube?
He was not ambitious in a way people around him wanted him to be. He has talent in some areas that can be useful, but not applicable in anything. I mean, if the customer purposely sabotages their order and blames you on your 'incompetence' and 'inexperience', you cannot punch the shit out of them, right?
So, he sleeps. A lot in class. He works at night and sleeps at day like an owl of the night. The only class he is awake to is during PE class, which by the way, he is an expert at even their gym teacher told him he had a future with being a PE teacher or an athlete.
But according to him, he doesn't want to be an athlete or a teacher. Seeing his current classmates made him lose hope of teaching anyone. Some are bullies, some are just hopeless, and some are incredibly quiet. He's not gonna get along with his imaginary students at best, they're just gonna pissed him off.
Honestly, he's only attending school (for perfect attendance apparently) because of his grandma. His lovable and caring grandmother who sometimes hit him with her wooden spoon or slippers whenever she scolded him for doing something bad or when he talked back. The only person he cherished the most, his family, and his all in all. Everything he does is for her.
He doesn't have many friends. He is indeed friendly, connecting and bonds with boys and girls his age is quite easy, but no one sticks closer than a boy with the name of Yeon Sieun.
The smarty pants in his class. Always in the first place, always on the top, and always studying. Nose buried in an advanced book, jotting down notes and to-do lists like the noise of their loud classmates were blurred down and are of little importance for him to care.
The very opposite of Suho. But maybe, the opposite does attract each other. He cannot help but notice the boy. In PE class, Yeongbin and his goons made fun of the sweating and panting boy like a circus clown. When he accidentally knocked on the wrong apartment and building, Suho recognized the boy again. He even had the audacity to ask for a glass of water, complaining about his dry throat and the possible dehydration which Sieun reluctantly did for him to leave his home immediately.
Never has it crossed his mind that he is gonna be friends with him. Not even once. Because after bringing an end to a fight during the mock examination, he found himself sitting in the school cafeteria across Sieun with a disappointed look on his face the day after.
Sieun offered him lunch. His relaxed shoulder seeking for a nice, long nap that was interrupted
“I honestly was not expecting much,” Suho started, watching Sieun eat his own lunch mindlessly. He's trying not to roll his eyes. “But I can pay for my own lunch money.”
Sieun didn't look up from his food. “Don’t eat it then.”
He's not someone who denies free food. If you think about it, free food is rarely available and offered to anyone. You won't use your money, you will save up a little, and your stomach is full and well fed, it's a win-win situation actually.
Still sulking, Suho pulled the plate closer to him. He picked up his spoon and started devouring his own lunch like he didn't eat for a whole day (he didn't have breakfast that day). "Thank you for the food,” he exclaimed, putting a spoonful of rice in his mouth.
It was Sieun’s turn to watch him eat, glancing at the other boy while recalling the words you'd spoken to him last night in a video call.
(“Small talk is the first step of any friendship there is in the world. You wouldn't be my boyfriend if I didn't talk to you,” you explained to him like he was your student. You have eye masks under your eyes and a cottony bunny ears headband pulling your hair away from your face.
He was laying on his bed, ready to sleep but he has to call you first because meeting up sometimes seems impossible if you're both tired. So, the two of you settled for video calls every night as a nightly routine and for him to hear your voice as you talk for hours until you are lulled to sleep.
And Sieun told you about the fight earlier. You didn't let him finish as you lectured him about not getting into a fight since he got a temper and you only stopped when he told you it was Yeongbin who started it all. You were quiet for a minute before you said you wouldn't blame him if he broke someone's nose and you called him ‘my formidable boyfriend’ in your baby voice he always raised an eyebrow at.
“You asked for my help, That's different,” he replied back, a small twitch on his lips as you gasped dramatically and your eyes narrowed in feigned annoyance.
“They’re almost the same thing. Almost... but yeah, you're right. They're different.”
You shifted your position, laying on your stomach with your phone steadily leaning on the headboard, propping your chin on your palm as you hummed a quick song. “But try to get to know him. His name is Suho, right? You can start small, something you noticed about him. I’m sure there is something you are curious about him. I mean, it seems like he is a good guy.”
There was a small beat of silence.
Sieun was thinking heavily his head might throb in pain.
“What if he doesn't want to talk?” he asked quietly, his face doing the sullen thing again you don't like. It means he's scared and anxious, and you'll be there to retain his stability and attention.
You smiled with softness and love because you know he's trying. He loves that smile of yours in a way his stomach flutters and his shoulders sagged down. “You’ll be fine. Buy him that lunch you promised. I’m sure you can pull it off.”)
Sieun cleared his throat, then asked, “By the way...” he lowered his eyes back to his plate, playing with his food a little. “Why do you sleep at school?”
First question. Performed and done.
You would be so proud of him.
“Ah.” Suho gulped the food in his mouth. “I come straight here after work. Just in case I sleep in at home...”
Suho is just as talkative as you. Feasting on food as easily as breathing. Almost the same as you, it terrified him a little.
“My grandma insisted I graduate with perfect attendance even if I don't go to college.”
And Sieun listened. The same way he listened to your rant about the weather, the teacher who gives bad grades, your foot aching, the cafes you visited, and many other things he remembered for you. Surely, listening is easier than talking for him, because what matters is the people he involves himself in (that's only you and barely Suho right now).
“Do you like listening to music?” Suho suddenly asked, causing Sieun to lift his head up. “You always have your earbuds on,” he continued, munching on his own meal and slurping his soup loudly. “It’s a little rude.”
Sieun inhaled a little air for courage in his answer, he wanted to be honest and not to turn off Suho if he didn't think of his answer cautiously. “I don't want to be bothered.”
Suho blinked, leaning his head closer so he could hear him. “What?”
“I can't be bothered to talk to anyone,” he said a little louder, avoiding Suho’s invading gaze. “It’s exhausting.”
But most of the time and something he will not admit, he's actively listening to the long voicemails you sent him before and after school. They were comforting him as if you were really there beside him, narrating to him your day that he will never get tired of since it puts a small smile on his face when no one was seeing it.
Suho stared at him. “You know you're really weird, right?” he commented as a joke, he couldn't fully understand what was wrong with talking to people. But also Suho knows, he can judge the boy since he's not living Sieun’s life.
“You’re one to talk,” Sieun retorted, a snappy comeback and a little sassy expression, but it meant no harm.
Suho couldn't believe the quiet boy who he had fought yesterday has this hidden personality that he seems to enjoy. He just laughed the comment off before they both dug their own lunches again, the conversation grew longer even after their plates were empty and clean.
—•••—
Suho knows how to respect someone's boundaries. He only reacts (or fights back) when the person is being unreasonable and immature and has to be taught a lesson through violence. Privacy is important to live a simple, content life without the raging storm of media or people you encountered in the past constantly blaring in your life like thunder.
Still, curiosity is part of human nature. And he was utterly curious about the person with a pink heart and bunny head emoji as a name texting Sieun.
When he began hanging out with Sieun and Beomseok, his attention was somewhere else roaming a few meters away. He had grasped a glimpse of Sieun’s face subtly brightening when the notification sound on his phone rings, Suho almost thought he was dead and his soul was wandering around. He slapped his face twice, making sure he was alive and letting out a sigh of relief and earning strange looks from the two. He smiled it off and said, “Just want to be sure I’m really alive.”
Sieun put his phone back in his pocket (he read your message about going to sleep early), “Whatever you say.”
Suho pointed at him then exclaimed loudly, “Hey! We have different ways of releasing stress.”
Sieun just walked straight ahead, Beomseok trailing a few steps behind with a snicker, and Suho following them, loosening a lighthearted scoff. He walked until he was in the middle of the two, putting his arms on their shoulder as they talked and laughed.
Not to mention, it might give him a heart attack if Sieun did have a girlfriend. He might believe God does answer his prayers for future wealth.
Because Sieun appears like studying is his only long-term relationship. A few days ago, he saw Sieun inside a bus on his way to deliver food. As usual, Sieun was alone. In the classroom, he is alone. Almost everywhere he goes, he is always by himself.
Seriously, who is the bunny head and pink heart emoji?
(“Hey,” Suho called him while they ate Samgyeopsal.
Sieun stared at him. “What?”
“Do you have any siblings?”
Beomseok raised his head while cooking the meat he cut in the grill stove, he too seemed curious about Sieun’s life.
“I don’t have any siblings,” Sieun answered, silently wondering why Suho asked that question.
Suho shrugged, opening his mouth wide open to gobble on the lettuce wrapped meat.
Sieun stared at him.)
Inside an almost crowded hospital room, Suho was on his bed, his left arm slightly fractured from the tough battle earlier but he was assured that he could be discharged the next day.
The events a few hours ago were still clear in his head, he brushed it off with humor yet they came back like ghosts haunting his mind and memories. He was strong, he's like a hero without a cape on, but he doesn't want to be a hero, he just wants to help the people he cares about and make sure harm would not be inflicted on them.
“Are you two dating?”
Suho examines as Yeongi has her arms wrapped around Sieun’s left arm, plopping her head on Sieun’s shoulder before blinking mildly with an associative smile. Sieun, on the other hand, did not appreciate the sentiment and went stiff as a board and had his head withdrawn a little to the other side.
“Of course not,” Sieun replied flatly, like it was obvious he's not into Yeongi, he sees her as a friend only. He pulled his arms away from Yeongi, who took his arms and held onto him again while saying, “Of course yes. We even share each other's location.”
Sieun released a worn-out and exhausted exhale of breath, eyes fighting the urge to roll with slight annoyance visible to the naked eye.
Suho made a face close to ‘Oohh, I think they are dating but also not’. He pondered if Yeongi is the pink heart and bunny head emoji. It could be, you know, but he is uncertain Sieun would like her romantically.
“That’s the core function of the app,” Sieun countered, pulling away again for the second time. Yeongi gave him a bit of a glare.
Suho waved his injured hand at the two of them, minding to keep it low to not further the fracture, lips curved into a smirk. “You two look great together. Just go out with each other,” he enunciated, teasingly.
“No—”
Yeongi leeched on Sieun’s arm again, straining him from getting his arm out of her grasp, the boy grunting to remove her arms around his. Placing a little force to free his arm, Yeongi did let go, not before she playfully bumped her knuckles on his forehead. Taking the boy by surprise. “I hate you,” she hissed with a smile.
Suho and Yeongi began to laugh while Sieun was still caught off guard, looking at them as if they were wild animals that escaped the zoo.
“Yeon Sieun!”
All of the sudden, a girl around their age bolted inside the room, gasping for air like she ran a marathon on the way to the hospital room. Some patients and nurses looked at her and she instantly bowed to them for making such an unnecessary scene, murmuring apologies to everyone while walking towards Suho’s bed.
Sieun stood up from the unoccupied bed, he was already reaching for her as she gently placed her hands on his cheeks.
“What happened to your face?” you ask, distressed that your hands trembled a bit. Checking his face for wounds other than the apparent plaster on his cheek. “Is it a cut? A bruise? Why did you get hurt again?”
Suho and Yeongi’s eyes widened, their mouths hung open in shock and amazement. They gaped at you, assuming their eyes must be deceiving them.
Sieun covered your hands with his, eyes softening, his body relaxing like you are his personal restorative balm soothing the pain and the wounds he had on him. He was beyond glad that you're here.
“I got a call from the hospital. I didn't know what to do but ran straight here because I missed the bus. I’m so worried, Sieun. I didn't want something bad to happen again—”
Sieun shushes you softly, “Don’t worry. I’m fine. It’s only a small cut, nothing more.”
“But you still got hurt,” you said. You are already in pain just by looking at him. What more if you could feel it in your veins?
“I was hurt,” he admitted. Staring at you firmly. “But I’m okay now because you're here.”
He pressed his forehead on yours, holding you close he smelled the sweat and your favorite sandalwood cologne, and suddenly,
“If you’ll be all lovey-dovey publicly, can you just not do it in front of me?” Suho cut off the intimate moment with a deadpan look. Behind that face was an utterly confused and dumbfounded Suho who wanted to ask many questions.
“Stop reminding me I'm single,” he added.
That results in a giggle out of you, wiping the small tears in your eyes, presenting your best smile with a wave. “Hi! You are Suho, right?” then you told them your name. “I’m Sieun’s girlfriend.”
So you are the pink heart and bunny head emoji.
“Wow, he hit the jackpot,” Yeongi muttered to herself, staring at you in astonishment and respect.
“Woah! Woah!” Suho rubbed his uninjured arm on his eyes. “Like really? You are his girlfriend?”
You nodded eagerly. “I am.”
“I’m sorry, no offense but...” His eyes narrowed at Sieun. “You never told anyone you have a girlfriend.”
“You didn't ask,” Sieun simply responded.
“But what if I ask you? Would you tell me?”
“He would probably not tell you,” you answered for your boyfriend because he was thinking about it deeply. “We kinda wanted it to be private.”
He nodded at you before looking back at Sieun. “You don't look like the ‘in a relationship’ type.”
“What are you implying?” Sieun asks.
Suho raised his hands in surrender. “Nothing, nothing. I’m just saying because, you know...” He made flipping of page gestures.
“We understand. Sieun studies a lot more than I do,” you squeezed your boyfriend's hand affectionately that he reciprocated in a heartbeat.
You stayed a little longer to chat with them. Answering their questions you started to feel like in a job interview.
“How long have you been together?” Suho asked as if he was interrogating you.
“Six months and two days.” You answered with determination and sturdiness.
“Do you go to each other's house?”
“Yes, if we aren't busy and no one's home.”
“Does your parents know?”
“They don't care.”
“Oh.”
It was like that for almost half an hour before Sieun left for a while to buy food for the three of you and came back with oxtail soup for Suho, fried chicken for Yeongi, and kimchi-jiggae for you that you will share with him.
“You’re so warm-hearted,” Suho said, as if he's examining Sieun’s face and telling him his findings. He just realized that what Sieun showed to everyone isn't exactly who he is. Think about it, he has a girlfriend, which by the way is over-qualified to his standards and he brought them food because Suho craved oxtail soup, you are genuinely hungry, and a treat for Yeongi. This part of Sieun took him by surprise when he started saying things like he's under morphine. “Your eyes, how you behave, how you speak...” Suho listed everything he noticed. “and your face. It feels awfully strange.”
Sieun didn't react at first, just looking at Suho before his lips slowly moving upward into a smile, eyes crinkled in the corners, and a breath which is the closest thing he could do for a laugh. He sat next to you while you were talking with Yeongi and sharing her table with you.
He smiled.
Yeon freaking Sieun freaking smiled.
Suho scoffed, likely he wants to scratch his eyeballs if the smile is also real. His eyes were deceiving him again for the second time and he felt his heart going on miles for the third time. This night has many things unraveled in one single sitting.
The late dinner was filled with laughter, sharing of meals while trying to tone it down since the other patients were sleeping. A reward after bringing a bad man down.
And Suho will absolutely admit with all his whole heart that it was comforting and nice.
As the hours grew quieter and close to midnight, you and Sieun bid your goodbyes and rest well, leaving Suho and Yeongi alone, still in disbelief. They made eye contact with each other, you may believe they are communicating with their eyes wide open.
‘Can you believe it?’ This is probably Suho.
‘I don't. I still don't.’ This could be Yeongi.
‘It's like a plot twist you didn't see coming!’
‘Literally. I didn't know Sieun is into anyone and he has an incredible type.’
“She's actually really pretty,” Yeongi complimented to break the silence and eye-talking. She was noting your face, the way you smiled and interacted with them. You are beautiful, sweet, and polite and a nice person to talk to. If she compared you to Sieun, the difference between you is clearly evident. Yet you fell in love with Sieun and he was drawn completely to you.
“Do you see the way he looks at her?” Suho asks.
Yeongi snorted, relaxing on the patient's bed beside Suho’s. “Well, yeah. He didn't hide it at all,” she gave him a smirk. “He’s madly in love with her.”
Suho chuckled, shaking his head as he thought about you and Sieun. “Sure, he does.”
Sieun looked at you like you were a precious jewel, shining bright in the land and the treasure he was proud to hold upon.
Suho knows that look. That look he gave to his grandma, the look when he saw free food and would probably kiss the person next to him in the blessed elation of a boy who discovered his true love.
The look of love.
To say that he least expected that look on Sieun’s face is truly an understatement. He was in disbelief till the room grew quieter and he was put to sleep as a reward for his fearless commitment and unwavering loyalty.
Nevertheless, he is happy for his friend. He is happy, like he could die any moment, with the oxtail soup you bought that he craved the whole night. And yes, he had another set of free food.
—• sypnosis: it was supposed to be a dull evening after cram school, something Sieun always expected. However, when a girl asked him to share his umbrella with her, fate has already written their love story.
—• themes: fluff, angst, pre- weak hero, violence (fights, typical weak hero), sieun being in love, reader is a huge candy lover, rain, they're in love and a little crazy
—• credits: @designlikenonsense (dividers)
a/n: i'm obsessed with him, that's all. this is shitty writing skills.
Yeon Sieun lives with structure.
With a routine he knows too well and an everyday precision he is used to.
He wakes up early, brushes his teeth then takes a bath a little colder than a normal person would. Get dressed in his uniform and put on his grey hoodie that he's been robing himself in since high school started, then eat a piece of toast bread and a boiled egg so his stomach wouldn't be empty. And he is off to school, the sky is still dark, people half-awake for a new day in the bus, but not him, he's already focused on listening to a lesson explaining the history of the 1979 Islamic Revolution.
And when he arrives in his classroom, the ritual of opening the lights and allowing the rising sunrise to enter the classroom is normal. It brought him the tiniest peace of mind, making him calm when the sunlight hits his face that reminds him he can still feel something outwardly.
A reminder that he is still breathing.
A reminder that he is still a human.
That he exists.
However, the structure is ever present. It's written in his notes, in his notebook and books, along with his cellphone he only uses for studying and listening to podcasts and sometimes for music. It will not leave him, it's a part of him that keeps him from crumbling and losing all the efforts he built for himself, and silently for his parents he wished to love him the way it should be— for him, not what his brain could produce.
He's intelligent, that he knows. It's on his awards from competitions, medals hung on his neck before it was displayed on his bedroom walls and was never touched again.
He doesn't talk much, but they know he is smart. And maybe, it's the only thing people will associate him with. Nothing but his brain.
Because Yeon Sieun is a quiet, boring boy whose entire world revolves around studying.
That is his way of holding himself together.
Maybe, it always will be.
—•••—
Supposedly for him, it should have been a normal evening.
Sieun walks out of the cram school and is greeted by the hard pouring rain that soaks his shoes and socks quickly.
He was not surprised it happened. The wind was way too cold when he got out of school and the weather forecast notification he got had said plenty of warnings.
“Excuse me...” a voice called him from behind. Hesitant and shy.
Sieun turned to face you, even if he doesn't want to talk doesn't mean he has to be rude to someone who called him gently.
“What is it?” he asks, a little loud so you could hear him in the rain.
You beamed when he acknowledged you, sighing in relief as you clutch your cardigan closer to yourself for warmth.
“I’m sorry for bothering you but can you share your umbrella with me to the bus station?” you ask politely.
There was an expecting/pleading look in your eyes while rain droplets started to stick on your hair to your forehead and getting colder because of the rain accompanied by the cold wind.
And you were asking him. A complete stranger. Someone who goes to the same cram school as you and doesn't know his name at all. All because you forgot your umbrella and the rain was unforeseen.
No one had asked him for help before.
Sieun gulped, nervously. He doesn't show it but he is, because he didn't know what to do except to help you because you looked like a wet puppy asking affection from its owner.
Try to be kind. Just be kind, he kept telling himself in his mind before he nodded his head in agreement to help you from your unpleasant condition.
He opened his umbrella that's big enough for two people, blocking the notorious rain from getting the both of you wetter and waited for you to walk with him.
“Oh! Thank you so much,” you say in joy, your smile is bigger now. Comforted by the fact you were not going home looking like a drowned rat. Mostly.
You walked towards him as you settled your position under his umbrella, leaning close but not too close for your sleeves to brush on each other. There's a distance that is not overstepping his line because he was kind enough to share his umbrella and it is more than you could ask for.
Silence envelopes between the two of you. There was no awkward atmosphere going on, just a silence that seemed natural as the two of you walked as fast as you could to the bus station. You were so focused on getting in there you didn't notice your hands were gripping on his arm unconsciously.
Sieun went rigid because of that, a body contact where he would pull away as usual. Like the time his father touched his face and he did not like it. It was an exposure of his fragility, and the touch was evidence that he could be hurt easily.
But why are you so soft?
He can't fully feel your hand on his arm because of his jacket but the softness of your touch produces his normally spiraling mind into a blank state.
She's touching me. I have to ask her to remove her hand on me.
He didn't say anything.
Sieun was staring ahead, wishing that his eyes could catch the sight of the bus station so you would let go of him and this almost robotic-like movement of him could be gone. After that, he would forget about it, because you'll forget him and he'll bury this moment in his brain, never bringing it up.
“Thank God, we're here.”
That took Sieun back from thinking too much.
And both of you sheltered your heads in the bus station, standing side by side, with some of the students who were also in the cram school waiting there.
A bus arrived, one that wouldn't drop him home but seems like it'll reach your residence when he hears your tiny 'yes' and a quick prayer of gratitude.
Then, you looked at him before your lips curled into a smile. “Thank you for your help, by the way. I'll probably drown in the rain if it wasn't for you.”
You placed your bag in front of you, opened it up and searched through your bag haphazardly that might have triggered off his need for tidiness and organization of his stuff.
“Here,” you pulled out a small bag of gummies. The colorful worm ones with chemical sugar around them. “Take it, please.”
He wants to refuse again.
There's no way he would accept a bag of candy as some kind of reward for helping someone. It's unhealthy and tastes off in his tongue. The sourness that will make him wince and his stomach would certainly grumble until he flushes it all out in the toilet.
His traitorous hand extended to grab the gummies, almost connecting with yours if he didn't pull his hand away in a flash.
You didn't seem to mind. You're just happy the quiet boy who helped you accept your small offering.
“I’ll see you then, I guess,” you chuckled and gave him another smile. Then, off you ran to the bus as Sieun watched it drive away while he waited for the next one.
Sieun stared at the bag of gummies on his hand. Trolli sour glow worms. He had never tried it before.
And when he gets home at the empty apartment because his father is still gone from a competition, he will study and listen to the math lessons his mom posted online while he snacked on the gummy until he finished the whole pack.
—•••—
“You’re the guy from cram school!”
You exclaimed with enthusiasm and a high-pitched voice that could make people turn their heads over the sound within a half second.
To say Sieun was not expecting to see you in a department while he searched for a pair of socks and a sweater was an understatement. He stiffly avoided every salesperson he came across to look for the things he needed alone. He would like their help but he doesn't have the courage to ask for help, rather seeking it all by himself.
He wanted to be done with it as much as possible until you spotted him and practically ran towards him to view his face closer so you wouldn't mistake him for someone else.
Quickly, you covered your mouth and mumbled a small 'sorry', clearing your throat and offering a small and polite smile that didn't hide your excitement.
“I’m glad to see you!” you said, still energetic but controlled. “I mean, we see each other in the cram school but of course we can't talk to each other because we're very much listening to what the teacher's saying and I very well want to enter a nice college. And I'm still thinking if I should go to SNU or Yonsei, but my mom said I could easily enter Ewha if I study harder, but that school is so expensi—”
Just as fast as you talk, the sudden your silence takes over.
Sieun was looking at you as if he heard you read a whole nook with the speed of a rabbit. He couldn't keep up with what you were saying, he was noticing the sparks escaping out of you as you rambled on before you finally realized your habit.
“Oops.”
You looked at Sieun who was staring at you with his unreadable face but there was something else, his eyes were wider than the night you asked for his help. Maybe overwhelmed by your yap, you did talk too much whenever you got excited.
You scratched the corner of your hairline, averting your eyes on every surface of the store except him.
Deeply embarrassed, your cheeks flushed a little. “Sorry about that, it's just I was really happy to see you.”
He blinked and waited for a bit to hide his confusion. “Why would you be happy to see me?”
You shrugged, eyes gleaming brightly. “I don't really know. I just am.”
You're so weird.
Those are the words Sieun wanted to say, but he couldn't. It would be rude so he just nodded his head and thought of how he could get away from you right now. He has things to buy.
“May I know your name?”
You added more to erase any sign of awkwardness, “Because you helped me and it was a lot for me. Oh and we also went to the same cram school so it would be inconsiderate of me if I didn't know the name of my saviour that night.”
Is the rain really a big thing to you?
His gaze shifted back to you as if he heard you wrong. Like you were telling a joke that he would not understand and would not laugh at.
And you, standing there like asking for a boy's name who helped you once requires all the strength you have in your body that shame disappeared for a minute.
“Sieun.”
He's so done for. He thought you'll forget about him and now he uttered his name after you asked prettily.
Prettily?!
No, no, no.
You asked nicely.
Nicely.
There's no such thing as prettily asking someone's name.
Then, you beamed like the lights inside the store are in rival with your smile.
And yours won.
“Yeon Sieun.”
“Yeon Sieun,” you muttered his name like you're tasting a new meal. Repeating the name until it grows on you. “That’s a pretty name, Sieun.”
Now, you are calling him pretty.
You told him your name.
He repeated it in his head.
And your name is hard to brush aside like he can dust it off and walk over it. Instead, he engraved it in his mind so he wouldn't forget, like the name itself is a sacred thing for a feeling he couldn't name.
“I’m really glad I could catch up on you, even just for a few seconds,” you declared with utmost carefulness and gratification. You said it like you meant it and it was real.
Still, he couldn't help but be tense at first, and almost thought it wasn't real and you are just playing with him but he examined your face for any inauthentic reaction... there was none.
You started walking backwards slowly, your left hand gripping on your bag while your right one saluted at him.
“I’ll see you around, Sieun!”
He did a small and discreet wave once you turned around and didn't see it, copying your wave shyly. You went back to the makeup station where you were when you spotted him.
And then while checking the sweater he wants to buy, he wondered if he'll ever see you again, or if the second time is pure coincidence.
—•••—
He sees you again for the third time.
And it's not in cram school like the second time.
It's more different.
This time, you didn't greet him with a smile.
You were crying. Crouched on the ground beside a convenience store, hands hiding your tears driven face from everyone who is glancing at you in a weird way.
You don't feel shy about it, instead you are releasing all the cries you had been locking in your heart for too long.
And something aches in Sieun’s heart at the sight of you.
Yes, he knows you on a surface level. You took notes diligently during cram hours, gave gummies and other sweets so you wouldn't feel the intense studying, laughs on your own when the given lessons felt impossible to solve. And recently, he found out you like shopping for the things you don't need but still buy them because they are pretty. Like the long, decorated in white flower beads earrings you never wore again.
His feet betrayed him before his mind does. Already striding towards you
Knowing those things doesn't guarantee that he is a friend. He's more of a peer. A cute peer in a grey hoodie and sometimes sweaters that always cover his arms.
He swallowed the anxiousness he was feeling and said, “You’ll ruin your back if you continue to sit on the ground like that.”
You looked up and saw him. It made you chuckle and shake your head in amusement. “It’s you.”
You.
You said, like you were expecting to see him.
“I’m starting to believe you were following me,” you joked even in your current state of destruction. Words trembling with a shaky laugh. “If not, then fate seems to like playing with us.”
You blew your nose on the tissue, crumpled the snot tissue and threw it in the trash can.
“I...” you sniffed, pinching your flushed pink nose then turning your head to see his face examining yours with care.
You chuckled before looking down again on the concrete walk side of the road.
He's so cute.
“I’m sorry you had to see me this way,” you apologized though he didn't mind helping you on your lowest. It's at least what he could do for the slightest pain on your chest to go away.
“It’s just that everything is too much and I need to let it all out.”
Hearing your words, an idea comes to his head.
He stood up from his seat and you looked at him, confused.
“Follow me,” he said eventually. Short and intentional. So whatever his idea is, it might be the best decision you'll ever make.
Just like that rainy evening, you walk with him side by side, and silence comes between you naturally like talking doesn't have to be on every second.
You tried to be discreet as you glanced at him to study his face.
Sieun’s a few inches taller than you, his hair looks fluffy and neat, he has a round face, and the most beautiful eyes you have ever seen in a person. He always wears long clothes and sometimes you catch a glimpse of his white ear pods.
And when you are watching him leave the cram school, he is always alone.
Is he just the same in his school?
The thought caused your shoulder to sink and your eyes to water again.
And just like earlier, Sieun noticed.
Bewildered, he looks at you closely as tears slowly fall on your cheeks. To make matters worse, he doesn't know how to react or what he should do.
“Why...” he gulped nervously, his brain screaming at him on many things at once he stayed stiff. “Why are you crying?”
You were wiping the tears still flooding out of your eyes.
You tried to answer him with hiccups and incoherent sounds were your answers which he couldn't understand but he remained quiet and listened attentively.
At the end of your crying and his silent comforts, you two are now sitting beside each other on a bench in a quiet park.
Sieun lent you his handkerchief to clean your nose and dry your tears. Of course you wouldn't give it back to him unless it's clean, so you thanked him and promised that you'll return the handkerchief back in no time.
A sigh escaped your lips before a smile appeared. “This is really nice. I don't come here often but maybe I should now. It's quiet here.”
He hummed in response, also enjoying the silence with you.
He had never done this with anyone. Sitting on a bench, staring at nothing, and nothing to talk about like the time decelerated, allowing you to breathe and relax your burdened spirits with some respite.
“I fought with my mom today.”
He tilted his head, thoroughly listening.
“She got angry with me because according to her, I wasn't studying enough for my future.” You finger quoted. “And I’m just really stressed because instead of letting me finish my homework, she lectured me with the time I could use for studying.”
You raked your hands through your hair in frustration. “God! Does it look like I'm not trying?!”
Sieun watched you stand up suddenly and shouted to the sky. He didn't stop you, he can see the contained anger slipping out of you, and he wishes he could do the same.
He wished he could shout this loud.
He wished he could release these feelings he's concealing within him until the heaviness of his body disappears.
“God, does it look like I'm not trying?! I have not slept enough in the past three weeks preparing for this exam! I couldn't even hang out with my friends because we're all pressured here! All of us! And what for?! For a minimum wage job that will ask us how long a corn dog is in inches?!”
He was starting to feel like he should stop you but he remained sitting on the bench.
“I love studying. I love it so much but you're making me hate it! Freaking hate it— Ow!”
You accidentally bend your ankle sideways a little too hard after you kicked a stone and walked without your mind on it.
That made Sieun paced to help you up before you attempt another clumsy kick that could injure you further.
“God...” you sobbed, getting up on your feet with Sieun’s help. “When is this gonna stop?”
Before you could acknowledge it, you were leaning on Sieun with your head resting on his shoulder. You were shaking, it turns to a cry again, clutching on his clothes as if it is the only thing that would keep you grounded.
Sieun, who never received a proper hug before, wrapped his arms around you, pulling you closer and squeezing your arm like he was expressing that you are safe with him.
And you are.
You have friends you could confide in on this matter, and you experienced safety with a boy— one who is quiet and it did speak more than any promises of your mother.
You and Sieun stayed like that for a few minutes.
He's giving you comfort while you are giving him warmth.
Looks like you need one another for different reasons that creates a band-aid on your broken souls.
Maybe having a friend isn't so bad. Maybe the isolation he forced himself in should end here, or maybe he'll make a special accommodation for you. Not because you are the person on his mind these days— no, simply because the trust has been formed before the friendship could be verbalized officially.
He will dream about this. When he welcomes the sleep and closes his eyes then suddenly, you are in his dreams like you belong there as a gentle presence relieving him of his whirlpool emotions he had been containing. This night where all the worries shifted into a companion you can rely on.
—•••—
How you got his number is a mystery since all you could remember was you weeping on his shoulder until you calmed down.
But ever since you've got his number, you texted him once per day for you cannot disturb him whenever you wanted to. The friendship might be over before you could hang out because of a line that you shouldn't cross.
Still you couldn't help but text him sometimes, studying and facing another new day became bearable at the idea of him seeing your message and replying to them. He's not actually cold as he sometimes acts to be. Just a normal boy who is now your friend. A boy at the top of that, and a very cute one too.
'Good morning, Sieun! Have a nice breakfast and don't burn yourself out, okay? I'll see you later at hagwon! FIGHTING!!'
Your messages to him can be daunting.
Sieun spent his time re-reading your text messages like it's the exam itself. That he had to be careful with his answer so whatever the outcome is, it has to be positive. One that could put a smile on your face as possible would be wonderful.
There's no way he can just text:
'Thanks, you too.'
Or,
Yeon Sieun reacted 👍 to your message.
It can't be. You deserve more than meager messages that you'll tolerate unless you'll think he doesn't want to be your friend and you're just simply annoying him.
He will not tell it to you in person or chat but he likes the conversation he has with you where you'll do the talking, and he'll do the listening.
Ah yes, a girl's dream.
Whereas Sieun remained motionless reading your message for the eighth time as if the words would dance and change positions for a new sentence to come but it's the same kind message you sent thirty minutes ago.
He let out a sigh, a nervous one tingling on his throat, and typed a message to you with trembling fingers.
‘See you too.’
Sent.
Sieun banged his head on the study desk, wincing in pain as a red mark formed on his forehead from the impact. His eyes were closed from the disappointment creeping on his chest and something else called regret made him want to slam his head again on the hard wood.
What he doesn't know is it caused a smile on your face and a giddy feeling in your chest.
You wrote a new message.
‘You wanna hangout? My treat.’
—•••—
Sieun’s routine had a new variable.
You.
You have been hanging out with Sieun for three months, and those months that passed were nothing but magnificent and exciting in a calm manner.
He was greeted with an excited wave, jogging towards him before you walked together on the sidewalk while you thought of what activity the two of you should do.
On most days, you guys ended up in a cafe. New cafes. Familiar cafes. Cafes that are just for aesthetics while the foods are terrible.
You critiqued all the cafes you've been with, writing them down on his notebook neatly with smooth decorations and doodles— a small drawing of smiskis (he had no idea what they are), coffee and tea cups, most are pastries or pastas, and his personal favorite was your doodle of a cat. He just likes them, they're cute and just like you, even if you drew them as a representation of him (you wouldn't tell him that).
He found himself staring at those doodles every time he opened his notebook. At school, he flips the pages almost automatically and looks at them for a minute before scribbling his notes on a blank sheet of paper with those drawings and you in his mind.
It doesn't help him concentrate but rouse him to study better like there's no one else he likes to please but you.
That struck something within him. Something he thought he was incapable of. Something that no one offers him.
He had fallen for you.
“Sieun?”
The math teacher called, confused at the sudden pause in action of her student she had not seen before.
Sieun didn't hear them, deep in his thoughts. He gripped the chalk tightly, the equation on the board was missing an answer.
His answer. Practical answer for a practical problem.
He wrote his answer before walking back to his desk with his head down.
831.
Eight letters. Three syllables. One meaning.
“Good job, Sieun,” the math teacher said. “Moving on, you see the dependent variable—”
Sieun blocked the voice, his hands were shaking, his mind was spiraling. Because him? Him? Having a crush now? On you?
Not like him.
But it sits right within him, there's no denial that smacked him in the back because he realized it and he cannot turn back now.
Shit.
—•••—
“This for me?” You gasped in joy, receiving the chocolate box with such delight he only saw in little children with their presents they wished for.
“Thank you! Thank you so much!”
“You’re welcome,” he answered, cool and short. Just like him and his amazing personality.
“You’re keeping my blood sugar high and my stomach happy, Sieun,” you said, opening the box. “I’ll probably get diabetes here but that's fine. You only live once.”
“...”
You snacked on the chocolate covered almonds. It tasted heavenly.
The chocolate was definitely a bad idea.
Because you guys visited another cafe.
This one surprisingly didn't suck. You enjoyed their cheesecake that you also shared with Sieun, feeding him with your own fork, asking him if it was good and he nodded his head. You were too happy from the iced coffee and cheesecake you didn't recognize the blush on his cheeks, and even if you did, you'll think it was from the AC.
After leaving the cafe, the next thing you do was to stroll, a casual, leisure walk with small talks and silence. Well, you do the talking all the time. Even if your throat dried up and an embarrassing crack of your voice followed, he paid them no mind.
“I’ll give the cafe 8.9/10. Amazing service, delicious food, but the restroom toilet isn't working. They need to get that fixed,” you rambled on like the words left flawlessly.
Sieun listened. He'll write your ratings on that cafe in his notebook.
Beneath the indifferent look on his face, he was fretting and memorizing the sentences he wanted to say out loud without his nervousness holding him back but it does.
His hands were clammy, sweat emerging on them and the corner of his forehead.
You have been his friend for three months now. Three months is long enough to know you. Three months is enough to perceive his affection towards you.
Sieun is not a brave boy. He was a silent one.
And now, he will put it all aside to test new waters in the idea of liking you.
He called your name, simply yet careful.
You were a few steps ahead of him, glancing at every food stall there is on the side of the road. Thinking of what you should buy— tteokbokki, fishcakes, dry noodles, ice cream, hotteok. Food.
You spun around to face him, your skirt fluttering for a second and Sieun thought you were a fairy there. A cute fairy with an obsession for sweet stuff.
You looked at him, expectantly. “Hmm? What is it?”
Blank. The lines he practiced vanished when you looked at him like that. Full attention on him.
His anxiety increased.
Sieun’s mouth tightened, the sweat came back on his forehead as he swallowed the anxiousness curling in his stomach.
“I think I like you.”
He confessed.
He waited.
And you halted.
You replayed what he said in your head like a song you're beginning to like and play on repeat. Heart racing in beats is not normal, but maybe if your crush confessed to you, it'll be possible and a miracle that you're still alive.
“Yeah?” you asked, a grin evident in your voice.
He didn't notice as his gaze lowered, consumed by his own agitation. “Yeah.”
Suddenly, you rushed towards him, drawing near to him. You had to look up a little to watch his flushed and still unreadable face with amusement. You couldn't hide your joyous grin, you were very into his words like they were the nicest compliment you heard from him.
Sieun felt his heart somersaulting once, and twice, many times his brain almost forgot to circulate properly. He tried to calm himself down, stepping a foot backward, but you pressed forward eagerly and he knew he couldn't escape the confession that came out of him, he has to face it and accept your rejection or reciprocate his advances.
“Really?” you questioned again, there's a glimmer in your eyes that says more than what you asked.
Pretty.
Sieun nodded.
You are pretty.
You hummed, staring at him as if you're looking right through his soul. Your hands held together behind your back, raising your toes up to discard any space between you as you placed a precious kiss on his plump cheek.
Though it's a chaste kiss, quick and intentional, Sieun went still like a rock. His body forgetting how to function, the words he had been practicing after studying gone in his head by a kiss, an answer to a question he didn't ask but both of you knew he would.
You like him too.
—•••—
He's unable to sleep.
1:28 am.
He was still awake.
Sieun groaned onto his pillow, clutching the comforts firmly as he counted sheeps in his mind, a silly little effort to cease the confession earlier and the small kisses that resulted after.
He walked you home. You thanked him, then kissed his lips, and you went inside the apartment complex with his racing heart on your hands and the kiss implanted in his entire being.
Now he can't put himself to rest. Turning and trying comfortable positions but to no avail, those didn't work too.
He huffed, closing his eyes with you permanent and vivid in his mind.
The next day, his eyebags were bigger and darker. Miserably in need of sleep.
—•••—
You were waiting for your boyfriend.
Yes, it's official.
Sieun is dating you, you are dating Sieun.
Every time you recall Sieun is your boyfriend induces a giggle on your lips and a heavy blush on your cheeks as if it was unreal that you are dating this boy who possessed all the traits you want in a man.
A dream come true for you really.
You glanced at your phone for the tenth time, searching the road from left to right in hope of seeing Sieun’s approaching figure. He's running late and he hasn't texted you.
You were starting to get upset with him, the past few days were so busy with school requirements and homework you couldn't spend time together. Now it's the weekend, you really want to be with him for hours until Monday comes and messages are the only motivation from each other.
Putting your headphones on, you were oblivious to the fact that there are two guys watching you like lecherous hawks. Whispering a secret conversation ending with quiet laughs and a fist bump like sealing a deal involving you.
Then they move slowly in your direction, unnoticed and discreet, knowing you aren't gonna notice them.
And you didn't.
It all happened so fast as a handkerchief was placed in your mouth to prevent you from screaming and they dragged you away to the dark, praying silently for help with his name in your thoughts.
Sieun.
—•••—
Sieun was extremely worried.
You had been missing his calls.
And no matter how long he texted you (he overthink his messages), you always answer them in a heartbeat.
He was caught up with his mom after a private tutor lesson when he was supposed to meet you on time. At dinner where his mother pretended she was still present in his life. But in Sieun, she had already disappeared, and the woman he had been meeting was the person who gave birth to him. She was never a mother and it was really stupid of him seeing her once a month just for her to tell him that he's becoming independent and doesn't need anyone. He wants to cover his ears that were bleeding internally on hearing them repeatedly when she's across him.
All he needs— especially right now, is you.
Your gentle smile, your sweet laugh, your affectionate hugs... He needs them like he needs air. And he couldn't wait to dive in your arms again, eat store bought ramen with you and probably stroll with him in the park which you absolutely adore.
So when he doesn't see you in your meeting spot, it sends him into panic mode. Calling your number, looking for you around the area, even shouting your name in antsy. Yet you never responded in one of the three.
He was already on edge during the dinner with his mom, and you were added to the equation because he cannot find you and his guts kept telling him you are in a bad position.
Bad. Bad. Bad.
Stressed and concerned, he will not give up till he tracks you down. He would not let his aching limbs slow himself down because there is an important matter, and that is named you.
He grabbed his phone from his pocket, remembering that you downloaded a tracker app on his phone so you'll know his whereabouts if something bad happened, and he'll know yours for the same reason. For protection. For safety. Because the adults in your life failed you both, and you have to rely on each other.
Sieun watched as a dot flickered on his phone. It's your location. It worked. The app worked.
And then, he followed the red dot.
There's a bad feeling sitting on his chest when he reaches the street.
Dark, the streetlights barely working. No other people were in sight, just stray animals who hid in the dark quickly since his presence arrived.
He had to stay calm and focused, but also quick in detecting your location, because the coldness of his guts tells him darker, illicit thoughts about you that he wouldn't be able to stomach if it did happen.
Mumbles. Two voices. He heard them near your location, it felt as if cold water was dumped over him because his prediction was indeed true.
This time, he did not like being right.
“This bitch fought like a monkey.”
“Shit! What are we gonna do?”
The first guy scoffed. “What else? Let's sell her then. The old hag needs more girls in her club. She's gonna worth a thousand, got that fair skin and flat stomach. Pretty too, probably a vi—”
He stepped on the small alley where he heard the voices.
And there you are.
Laid down to the ground, blasted lips, messy hair, and your clothes, they were crinkled as if they wanted to remove it on you, get you naked for their lustful desires in some rundown and sketchy alley where someone hearing your screams would be unlikely. You tried to fight them, to release yourself and run as fast as you can, but they were stronger and got more pissed with you.
Instead of relief that he finally found you, Sieun’s gaze darkened. As cold as the winter time, as sharp as the eyes of the snake targeting its victim.
They hurt you.
These boastful and idiotic men are a waste of oxygen.
Sieun felt like the people he sees are colored in red.
Danger. Danger. Danger.
He moved before he could think. Overwhelmed by the instinct to avenge and inflict the pain they've done to you back to them. Sounds acceptable.
Because right now, all the lessons, all the lists he has in his mind are replaced with the will to protect you.
He struck the guy wearing a blue hat first with his heavy bag, the very one you tried carrying for him because you insisted on being a caring girlfriend but after five steps in and you huffed in exhaustion and handed the bag to him.
The guy let out a yelp and his hands were on his pained face. He dropped to his knees from the impact.
“Fuck!”
Then Sieun pulled out his pen in the pocket of his jacket. Launching on the other guy who threw a punch he barely dodged and stabbed the guy’s shoulder. He digs the pen deeper and it forces a lot of blood to ooze out of the skin, fighting the strength of the guy trying to remove the weapon out of him. It was an intense push and pull until Sieun harshly kicked his foot.
“You son of a bitch!”
The first guy recovered from the bag punch, fuming in rage as he attacked Sieun with his fist.
Sieun barely saw it coming and the punch collided on his face and he fell on the ground. Everything is blurry and his head throbbing, he hardly hears your voice pleadingly calling his name to stand up.
Before he could do so, two feet abruptly stomped over him, pushing him on the ground and sloppily hitting his body. They were cussing and spatting at him while Sieun covered his face with his arms, trying to find a solution to escape his predicament.
You don't have the time to be frozen on the dirty ground while your boyfriend was being beaten closer to death, staying there hoping for a miracle will do absolutely nothing to help him.
Head snapping on every area of the alley, looking for a weapon— wood, broken vase, rusted knife, just anything to fight back. Then you saw a crowbar, a bit far from you and would probably provoke your broken ankle but for your Sieun, you'll do all things that can be seen as impossible.
You grabbed the crowbar, adjusting the heavy object on your palm as grimes and filth covered your hands, attacking the guys on their faces, forcing them to step back on Sieun. And your man lifted himself up, shaking from the kicks he received from those guys, eyes glaring darkly on them after doing an inexcusable act on humanity.
Sieun gently seizes the crowbar from your hands, kissing your forehead and caressing your cheek. Even in your unpleasant situation, he's so pretty and kind, all the warmth he could give was reflecting on his eyes back to you, because you are the only recipient of the love you taught him to accept and understand.
You fell down on your knees, quaking from the pain on your ankle as you watched Sieun hit the bad guys with the crowbar again and again. Faint pleas for him to stop left their split lips where he kicked and punched them as a reply until they went still and knocked down in the dark alley.
He stood before their limp bodies, one of his legs pressing one of the guys down, the crowbar hanging on his hand like he was a grim reaper in physical nature. He was breathing heavily, eyes closed after winning a battle to avenge you.
His hands were shaking and he let go of the bloodied weapon. The crashing sound of the crowbar filled the entire space along his quivering heavy breathing and his body on the verge of collapsing after losing his rationality resulting in two beaten up men, scaring himself and almost losing you.
You should be scared of the horrifying scene in front of you like how Sieun is terrified of himself.
The unconscious boys who tried to assault you and hurt you badly. Wounds on their face and other parts of their limp bodies you couldn't see.
When you watched Sieun fight them, you were certain you heard bone cracking and muscles torn that would heal slowly for a long time as if it was a punishment awaiting them after messing with the wrong couple.
But instead of being terrified of Sieun, of what he could do to anyone who crossed him— you chuckled, staring at him lovingly.
Like what he had done was the best gift he could ever present to you.
Why would you be terrified of the boy who saved you when you are about to lose hope of getting help?
He loves you so much he maimed someone to free you from danger.
If authorities find out what he has done for you, they'll imprison him for years, but your Sieun didn't care. As long as you are safe, he can risk anything just to see your radiant smile and feel your warm body on his cold one.
Blood trickling down your nose, combining with the snot you continued to sniffle while you're staring at the limp bodies of those boys.
You feel no pity for them. They deserve it.
“Sieun-ah,” you called him softly like he is your saviour. Your salvation. Your beloved.
Sieun waited for you, for the command you had to tell him so he would know what you needed and he would provide it to you with no questions asked.
You extended your arms to reach for him. Softly pleading. “Hold me, please.”
He didn't hesitate to hold you in his arms, letting your body lean on him when your legs tremble from the pain you're feeling in your bones. You felt him quivering too, seeking you as much as you needed him.
He hugged you tightly with a silent oath in his blood.
No one will hurt you again. He will never allow it.
As long as he breathes and loves you, no one could harm you like today again.
—•••—
His father wasn't home yet and you don't want to be alone in your home as well, so you decided to stay in Sieun’s for the night because at least when you are with him, you are safe and secured.
You aren't interested in what's playing in the television, the brightness on the screen almost swelled your eyes again but for a different reason, so Sieun picked up the remote and turned off the TV.
Oh, how he could know you without you speaking.
Silence engulfs the living room and you rested your head on his shoulder, staring at the window as if nothing happened on some alley where you realized someone loved you more than you could imagine.
The tea on your mug (he prepared it) was cold now, halfway done but you don't have the strength to finish the whole cup, so you let the wind erase the hotness of your drink.
“I think I love you.”
Sieun said with conviction against your hair, like if he didn't say it now, tomorrow may not come. The words didn't come out as unsure, but with honesty he's been trying to learn as he navigates his emotions and feelings to you.
You smiled fondly, the words tickled on your skin and you lost your breath for a half second before you mumbled the words back, sure and aware.
“I love you too.”
You leaned to him and he met you halfway to share a kiss.
