blake kathryn
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
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Today's Document
DEAR READER
Mike Driver
trying on a metaphor
Sweet Seals For You, Always
todays bird
Not today Justin
if i look back, i am lost
tannertan36
$LAYYYTER
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@thoughtsandotheruslessramblings
Today I locked myself in the bathroom because I can’t stand to watch my husband watch me have another anxiety attack. I got up off the floor after 10 minutes and pulled it together. I pray everyday for those people who can’t make it up off the bathroom floor because Covid has brought them to a devastatingly crippling place. You are not alone. I see you.
I knew exactly what I wanted until the world told me I don’t know anything at all
My life is insane
It’s okay if you’re not okay. It’s okay if you are struggling. It’s okay if you feel weaker than yesterday. It’s okay to feel tired. It’s okay.
I have to keep reminding myself lately that’s it’s okay to not be okay. I haven’t admitted to anyone how much of a struggle I have been going through. I have too many close friends and loved ones who are suffering far worse than I am at the moment. I just don’t feel like it is okay to be in a bad place.
It’s okay to not be okay.
I haven’t posted in a while. To be honest I haven’t even been here in so long. I guess I should explain why. I used to write about a boy that I fell in love with once just at the wrong time. Then I thought it was the right time, but he moved and broke my heart. He came back. He came back for me. I fell deeper in love. He asked me to be his wife and I said yes.
You know when I look back at all of my previous entries, I can see how I fell in love and how completely in love I always have been with this incredible individual. I can also see my scars and the darkness that I have been living with for as long as I can remember. I used to use this as a place to spill the contents of my soul. Something about writing always helped bring me back to the light.
I have realized that I used to be so broken, in the sense that I did not think I was deserving of anyone’s love. How strange, a couple of girls are mean to you at age 12 and that shapes your perception of yourself your entire life. My fiancé made me believe that I was worthy of love, but not by insisting that he was the source of it but rather by holding up a mirror so that I could see it in myself.
I love that man. He brings me so much joy. I think maybe that is why I have been away for so long, because I have been so incredibly happy focusing on the joyful moments, basking in them.
That joy has diminished and I am back. Not because he brings any less, but because of what has been taken away from us ever since I said yes. My family has been less than supportive. All I want to do is be excited and happy and celebrate this incredible moment in my life, but no one is willing to let me. I am trying so hard to be okay with it, for it not to bother me, but it hurts me more than I could ever put into words. Every word of congratulations has been insincere and I just don’t understand what I did to deserve that. I feel trapped. I cannot talk to my fiancé about this because all it does it makes him regret proposing and causing me such anguish. I can’t lie to him. My family means everything to me and not having their sincere love and support has made me ill at times. I am crying all of the time. I cannot sleep. I feel manic. Worst of all I am angry. I have contempt in my heart for them. I cannot comprehend their lack of excitement and enthusiasm. I cannot relate to their contempt.
I guess that’s why I am back. I needed a place where I could share, get this off my chest for a brief moment. I needed to find the light again.
It will be okay
Lately, I need more and more reassurance that everything is going to be okay. I have been hit pretty hard. I’ve been walking around with the wind knocked out of me. I’m still trying to catch my breath. There are so many moments I feel faint, where my vision goes hazy and I can’t see the path ahead. I move forward anyway. My dear it is not about feeling okay always. It is not even about knowing which direction you are going to head in. All that matters is that you stood up and you take a step forward. Your head will clear, you vision will clear, the fear will subside...everything will be okay
Changing my heart
I wake up every morning and I am thankful. I want to get down on my knees and praise God that my heart is so full. There is a man who has changed my lense of the world. I am so much more appreciative of the little things because of him. I crave our interactions. I watch the light fill his eyes when he laughs. I notice the feeling of his hand in mine. He is changing my heart.
Feeling Lost
I want to have an honest to god truthful discussion about feeling lost. There are many degrees of which we define ourselves. Your personality, who you preceive yourself to be, is not a one and done kind of system. The definition of you is made up of many pieces as if you are a puzzle or perhaps a recipe. Each little trait is an ingredient that goes into forming you. Sometimes, just like within a recipe, certain traits have more clout or weight than others. For example you may need a pinch of salt compared to four cups of flour. When one of these defining traits is called into question, it won’t destroy who you are or stop you from being you. You won’t fall apart completely, but you won’t be the same. If you forget the eggs, your cake will still be a cake, but the result will be different, the taste will not be the same as the intended result. That’s how I feel right now. A large part of how I define myself is up in the air. I am lost. I know without it I will still be okay, but I won’t be a hundred percent of who I am supposed to be.
I woke up with him in my bed, when I used to wake up with him only in my head
Us
I see it. I see us together. Nothing monumental, nothing extraordinary, just the two of us. I see you doing the dishes, opening the car door, sitting across from me at the dinner table. I can see you holding my hand, I can see your smile. I see every bit and piece of everything to come all at once. I see a love story like the kind my grandmother used to tell about a soulmate and the ordinary events that followed. I see you. I see me. I see us.
A Letter to the Friend that Left
Something that I struggle with greatly is the dissolving of a close and important friendship. I think that over the years I have done such a remarkable job of putting aside my feelings that I have convinced myself and others that when these instances occur, I am stronger than they are and that I remain untouched. I think the time has come to be honest with myself, dust off the thoughts and feelings about loss that I have tucked away in the back corner of my mind. I think that it is time to let myself feel and for anyone in a similar situation, I think it is time for you to do the same. All this time I thought that if I stifled my feeling of loss and betrayal over these swift exits I would prove to be the bigger person. If I didn’t allow myself to get upset that meant that I was stronger, better, wiser. I would spout things like “sometimes people just grow apart” and “it’s for the best”. Somehow I rationalized suppressing emotion as being the bigger person. I mean let’s be honest with ourselves, is it not easier to let go of something when we think we aren’t the ones to blame? But here’s the messed up part, all I did was blame myself. All I could think of was that my actions, my behavior, my personality, my flaws, my indisgresions were to blame for the end of these friendships. I was blaming myself and accepting punishment in the form of silence. I forgot, as I often times still do, that friendship, like any relationship, requires the effort and commitment of two people. My complete blame is therefore not logical or even possible. A rational mind would recognize this; and now with heinsight, I’m gaining some rationality which has led me to explore different conclusions to why these friendships ended so abruptly and how I really truly felt about it. So, for the first time, here are my true feelings about those dear close friends who bowed out on our friendship. Fuck you. Seriously, fuck you. Out of anger I will allow myself to use this vulgarity. It was selfish for you to make a decision that would affect the both of us with out consultation or thought of me or my feelings. That is not how this friendship began and it is not how it should have ended. Your lack of respect for me is evident by the way you ignored my right to defend myself and fight to remain your friend. You acted in a foolish, childish manner by running away instead of discussing any issue you had with me like an adult. Our friendship was one of honesty, which had served us well in the past, but which you chose to abandon this for some reason. You hurt me by walking away. You continue to hurt me now. It is not fair or right that I am left with the blame and the responsibility of a ruined friendship. You, as always, have managed to slither by without taking on any responsibility or making any apology. You disappoint me. You are not the person I once knew and loved. You are certainly not the friend I used to proudly call my own. You are a shadow of yourself, unrecognizable. Your silence is unforgiving. I will move on, but I will hurt. I will miss you when that song comes on, or when I see that movie playing on tv. I will think of how much needless loss there has been. I will blame you for it. To be quite honest, it is high time you start taking some of the responsibility, even if you remain forever unaware that I have forced it upon you. I deserve at least that much. I am finally going to allow myself to have it.
The one
Losing My Breath
“Babe you didn’t step over any lines, I feel the same way, and if you want it laid out straight I’ll lay it out for you. I wanna be with you for the rest of my life, there’s no one else that can make me as happy as you do, I’m crazy about you, and as that embarrassing letter shows, I’ve been crazy about you for years. We’ve waited a long time for this, and now that it’s finally here I’m never letting you go.”
Walking into Forever
I lose my breath sometimes and I tend to miss a step or two, when I look into your eyes and get lost in shades of gray and blue. I get so nervous, more frightened and insecure because this was never in the cards for us, we’ve never had it this good before. All I can do is thank the stars I can’t breathe and that I feel a little weak in the knees, that out of all of the stars in the galaxy somehow you chose me. All I can do is smile at you in reply because no words strong enough ever come to mind. I don’t know if there is a word that captures all of this, a perfect combination of happiness, luck, and bliss. I don’t waste time pretending I know anything more than I love you today stronger than I did the day before. Walk toward the sun with me, hold my hand and don’t let go, it’s time for forever sit back and enjoy the show
Unforgivably
“It’s clear to me that you are the one I am meant to be with, you’re the only one for me, you’re my person”. He said it with such confidence and such ease, as if he was answering a simple yes or no question. There was no fear and no regret, there was just sincerity. I had never known anyone like him before and I truly believe I will never find anyone that even comes close in the future. For the first time in my life I have clarity; sweet, crisp and clear crystallizing clarity. I know my path, I can see it so clearly now. I have one direction, my compass has stopped spinning. I have one true north and one star to follow. All roads lead to a future with him. I am not scared. I am not confused. I am not skeptical. I am unforgivably in love.
Give and take
I realized something quite profound today. Perhaps sometimes we need to let go of certain people in our lives in order to have fulfilled relationships with others. Maybe a particular relationship is hindering you from connecting with someone in a better one. What if the end of that relationship is seen as less painful and hurtful and more as thankful and as a chance to grow and learn? I think that I had to let go of a very important person in my life in order to open my heart and commit fully to a relationship with another. I am beginning to believe that maybe I would have never been able to have both. Perhaps the universe really does give and take.
You never made me feel any less than perfect, so when you discovered I was...it hurt that much more