I think that it's time to end the silence. This topic often gets overlooked and misunderstood. And frankly, I've been wanting to share my experience as a way with coping with my struggles with loss and sight of a better future.
Miscarriage.
I lost my baby.
I found out I was pregnant on Valentine's Day. What a day right? The doctor bombarded me with questions...if I was going to keep the baby, if the father was going to be involved in the baby's life, and how I was feeling at the time. The room was literally spinning. I had gotten 3 positive pregnancy tests at the time so I went to the doctor to get a blood test to see what my hcg levels were, being the nurse that I am. The doctor confirmed my pregnancy and my hcg levels were well over 5,000. She told me to get my prenatal vitamins and sent me off my way. I remember feeling dizzy, anxious, scared, but excited for what was to come.
I was extremely stressed. I was in a new relationship, I wasn't sure what my dad was going to tell me, my friends kept asking me if I thought this really was the best thing for me. I don't think anyone is really, truly prepared to have their first child, but it was my decision and responsibility and I felt that I needed to be mentally prepared to bring a human being into this world, planned or unplanned pregnancy.
My boyfriend was thrilled with this news. We were long distance at the time and he made the sacrifice to move here, get a new job, and build this newfound life with me and I am eternally grateful.
I started taking my prenatal vitamins every day, I stopped drinking caffeine products, tried to eat healthy, and attempted some exercise to help me with this pregnancy. I was exhausted very day. I drank more water, I monitored my blood pressure, I thought I did everything that I was supposed to do.
My boyfriend and I told my parents the news and to my surprise, they were thrilled. Being the Catholics they are, my boyfriend told my dad we would of course be married along the line of having this baby. My dad was excited to be a grandpa.
We needed to move into an apartment asap. We had been living in a motel in the meantime but we finally found a place to call home. I think the stress of moving and getting all my stuff ready for the move took a toll on me mentally and physically as well.
The weekend before the move, my boyfriend went back to Vegas to pick up his last check. I noticed I was spotting. I also knew that spotting during early pregnancy is normal because of the implantation of the embryo and all that stuff. So I wasn't too worried. I didn't feel any different. I still felt pregnant.
Monday, March 14 I went to work as per usual. I went to my first break and notice I had a fresh dark brown blood stain. I immediately panicked because I knew in my gut something was wrong. I didn't have that same feeling I would usually have in my belly. I had just hit my 10 week mark. I couldn't believe this was happening. I started crying and told my coworker I needed to leave and go to the hospital.
I arrived at the hospital. They ran multiple tests, did some bloodwork, got a urine sample, and did an abdominal and vaginal ultrasound. The person performing my ultrasound had a stone face the whole time. I didn't know what was happening. I feel like I knew but I didn't want to face the reality of it. She had to wait for the doctor to tell me the results. And I was in so much pain, cramping on and off.
Anxiety rose as I was waiting for the doctor. The doctor finally came in and told me that he's sorry but I've been bleeding and cramping because I'm in the process of miscarrying. I was devastated. I couldn't breathe. He kept talking but all I heard was "no cardiac activity." He said that there was nothing that I did wrong and that these things happen and that the miscarriage will finish itself naturally. I waited until he left the room before I broke down. I just couldn't believe it.
My boyfriend was on his way back from Vegas and I was alone in the hotel room when I finished having my miscarriage. I felt contractions faster and closer apart so I knew what was happening.
As I sat there shocked and sad and honestly didn't even know what to do after that, I wondered how I could have loved someone I never even met yet, someone I ever prepared to have, someone I didn't know I was ready to have. I was only 10 weeks along. I didn't even have my first real OB appt yet. It would have been that following Thursday. I had so many thoughts running through my head. What if I didn't try carrying those moving boxes? What if I didn't try pushing the reclining chairs down for my patients...maybe I overexerted myself, maybe I was too stressed. I blamed myself.
Friends and family tried to comfort me saying that everything will be okay and everything happens for a reason. There is not a saying that I hate more than that. People were trying to get me to move forward into the future but I wasn't moving. I lost my baby. I didn't have that pregnant feeling in my tummy anymore. I felt different. It just felt as if everyone was trying to minimize the situation.
And by the way, I guess 2017 is the year for babies because everyone and their mamas seem to be pregnant this year. I am very happy for my friends that are soon-to-be mothers this year but it also doesn't mean that I don't still feel that sadness and guilt in the pit of my stomach knowing what could have been, seeing loads of baby shower invitations in my inbox.
I feel like I'm in a better place than I was before, but there hasn't yet been a day where I don't think of what happened and how much I wished I could have been a mother to my unborn baby. I guess everyone copes differently. I still have that hope that one day I will be able to feel my little angel again and will have the capacity for him/her to grow and flourish. I'll always have that missing piece in my heart but I have faith that it will one day be filled with something greater than anything I have ever felt in my life.
.
.
.
I'm sorry that I couldn't tell you in person how adored and loved you were, but just know that you will always be loved and remembered in my heart, my sweet angel.