[thoughtsfromanaviddreamer-blog]

...

Sometimes I can be a really selfish person. I want too much love and affection, I talk too much about things that I know no one else really cares about, I often find myself thinking about myself first and others second... like, I care deeply about things but it’s always somehow related to how I fit into said problem. When it comes to my mental health I shove everything aside for that breakdown. I don’t know how to talk about what I go through, I don’t know how to talk to people anymore because I always feel like no one believes me. The truth is, most people who deal with mental health issues don’t know how to talk about the real side affects of it. It’s one thing to tell people that you have anxiety or depression or you suffer from bipolar disorder etc. but it’s a completely different thing to call up a friend/ boyfriend/ girlfriend/ family member after having a breakdown and ask for help that you are unsure that you will receive. 

Rejection and confusion is hard to deal with. 

I  oftentimes have mentioned that I suffer from anxiety and in the past depression on social media. I think it’s important to talk about it, to show other people who hide their problems that they aren’t alone. It’s always comforting to see another person share a video on Facebook or talk about what they are experiencing... silently supporting one another. So all of this time I thought I had been opening up about my issues and being more forthcoming about my problems when I hadn’t been. All I have been doing is pretending that I’m okay when I’m not. 

I remember what it felt like every time I told someone important to me that I have panic attacks. In every single case of this I followed this with “but I’m okay I have it mostly under control”. Because, who would every want to love someone messed up like me? Because to me I’m difficult to love. I don’t know how to deal with my life on my own, I really don’t. I need a lot of support and love that I’m usually incapable of asking for. I’m very lucky to have the experience of knowing what it feels like to be loved... and feeling so much comfort in that feeling. I wish more than anything that everyone in the world can feel that strength that love gives because I know what it feels like to be in a dark place, to be on the floor hyperventilating, to be throwing up from no reason other than then stress that your own mind has created for you... It’s not easy. It’s actually really fucking hard to deal with, and it’s even harder to pretend that you are okay.

These last few days have been some of my absolute worst, I can’t describe the pain that I’ve been feeling, the amount of times that I’ve wanted to just rip off my own skin because I can’t stand living in a body that feels this way all the time. I feel guilty even writing this out in the first place, but writing helps me find a way to let out everything that I hide inside. I try to talk myself into telling people when I need a little extra love but it all seems so heavy and wrong to me. So many other people have things worse off than I do. People are dying fighting for what they believe in, they have physical disease, they lost a family member, are being killed simply for their gender/race/sexuality, so how is it right that I can’t stop crying over something like anxiety?

I think that I’m really just finished with people who don’t think that mental health is important. I’m sick of being told that anxiety is a millennial thing... what does that even mean? I don’t know how to go on being positive in a world that is trying to shut people up. My own father’s response to me telling him that I was feeling anxious was that I would never be a teacher.

Support one another, be strong when you can and when you can’t ask for help. I don’t know how to do that yet but, I’m trying really really hard here. In all honestly I will most likely continue to keep things to myself, to cry in the shower after a panic attack so no one notices me, and I can understand how that probably sounds  sad to people. I’d rather keep the people I love and keep the suffering moments hidden than risk the possibility of a rejection... If that makes any sense at all. Like most people, I have a tiny categorized list in my head of people who I have asked for help and rejected me in some way and in all honesty, I don’t really ask for their help anymore. In most cases, I know it was just from shock or misunderstanding but all the same- rejection is the worst feeling. 

After all of this.... as sick as I feel right now, and as much as I’ve cried and shaken through writing this.... I feel comforted by love and the unwavering support that it gives me. Love is the glimmer of hope that I have when my world feels like it’s crashing down. Remember that somewhere in the world you have someone who loves you, even when it feels like you are alone and no one understands what you are going through- it doesn’t matter because love is stronger than any hate/doubt/rejection/anxiety that could may feel. I believe that love conquers all just as strongly as I believe in God. Love will win.

[thoughtsfromanaviddreamer-blog]

It's currently 2:06 and I can't sleep, I feel restless, desperate, recklessness pulling back at me. It's hot and humid and I've been pulling off various articles of clothing and blankets trying to feel comfortable. I'm brutally aware of the fact that I want to cry but I'm incapable. That's when I know I'm upset, when I want to cry but I can't. So here I lay, trying to find some control- some understanding in my life. Writing used to help me with this (understanding) so I'm going to try again...All I can think about right now is all the people in my friends list who will completely judge me. People who hate when people (like ME) over share on social media. I don't think that a lot of people will understand this and, I honestly could care less how many people read this. I couldn't really tell you why sharing makes me feel better but it does.... So, so much. The past few months (actually more like a year?) I have refrained from sharing for fear of judgement but I'm going to free myself for the next hour and let go. I think that by now everyone knows I'm a hopelessly emotional person- it takes a lot of energy to be. I cry often. I am very high, and sometimes I fall out of the clouds and become very low. I used to think it was tragic, always making up excuses as to why I was crying. It's completely conditioned into you, that girls are allowed to cry but boys cannot (I'm certain this is a reason why so many relationships go bad). The other issue that I was conditioned to believe was that crying is a sign of weakness and that you must hide it. Let me tell you I've never given much effort into hiding it... I think most of my Facebook "friends" have seen me cry at least once because I'm very open when I'm feeling pain. I cried very often in highschool on days when my dad would yell at me, on the phone in moments of complete disparately, listening to a song, watching a movie, driving, looking at a painting, in the middle of college classes... You see, emotions don't have to be weaknesses. I think that being emotional is just my way of showing the world what I have to offer. I laugh too hard, I cry too hard, and I'm positive that I feel more than the average person. I need love to feel alive, I feed off of other people's happiness. I want so desperately to make people feel what I feel for them. I want the world to feel the happiness that I am filled with. I could write a list of songs that remind me of every important person in my life but, I could fill an iPod with songs that remind me of the person that I love the most. Everything in my life has fallen apart, time and time again but, I keep choosing to be this way- To love unconditionally, to let myself risk pain, feel pain, and to cry with sadness. It's slowly hitting me now that maybe I like being vulnerable. I would be vulnerable for the rest of my life if I can show others the beauty that I feel every time I give away apart of myself. People tell me to be stronger, to toughen up some. Don't cry. Don't give your heart away- guard it. Don't get too happy because the fall will hurt too much. Don't hope for forever. Don't believe everything. Keep yourself guarded. Above all remember to not cry because that's a sign of weakness. To which I say... Fuck all that. Be really fucking happy, be so happy that you play the same stupid love song on repeat for days on end. Write love letters, watch dumb romantic movies and let yourself love them. Take embarrassing photos of yourself. Put your life on hold for happiness because you never know when your time in this world is up. So what if you also have days that you feel like you're going to hyperventilate because you're so lonely. Cry until your eyes are so puffy that it hurts to open then, until your face is red and splotchy, until your lips swell up like Kylie Jenner's (that's a personal experience;) ). Go out and let the rain wash all of your teardrops away. It's worth it. It's so completely worth it. I would give everything that I have to feel loved because it's really an amazing feeling. I have to remind myself that I am a rare form... I'm back to remembering that people will tell me I'm crazy. (But I still think my way of living is pretty spectacular) So, now it's 3:15 and I still don't think I have come to any understanding why I can't sleep. (Ranting is another sign of a tragically emotional person) my twinkle lights are still on and the distant buzz of a train can be heard over my fans. I'm cuddled up with extra pillow because, like every night, I wish I wasn't alone. Instead, I'll play something beautiful to calm my racing heart. This is a beautiful song that I first heard while I was sixteen and longing to feel everything that Dallas Green expresses when he plays.... And while it is true that I am still very much the same hopelessly vulnerable, naive, girl that I once was, I think I can enjoy music like this much more now. It gives me strength when I feel weakened by the weight of my own self.

[thoughtsfromanaviddreamer-blog]

Today is my cousin Ryan’s birthday. 

I miss him a whole lot and as I sent him a birthday text today I started tearing up thinking about him and my other various family members all of whom I do not get to see because I am at school. So as I typed out a simple birthday message with some emojis I started thinking about all the wonderful memories I now have with Ryan. Besides my brother I spent the most time with Ryan over the summer and although I definitely got irritated with him towards the end, I loved finally getting to know him. Growing up the only (and eldest) girl with six young boy cousins was lets just say annoying. I regret now, never trying to force a bond between my cousins but, now I look back and see all of these wonderful moments that I didn’t fully appreciate until now.

I am a firm believer in looking back. I think it is important to live in the moment but, for me looking back and remembering helps me to appreciate my life more. Sometimes it’s hard for me to remember things because it makes me incredibly sad but, it also makes  me want to change (which is usually a good thing in my case). Just thinking about my family I have realized how much I learned from being around young boys. The world isn’t always as complicated as I make it out to be. I remember on more than one occasion I was shut up in my room in the basement just crying my eyes out because I felt like I ruined my life or something equally as dramatic and he would just know exactly why I was upset or know when to leave me alone or just what I wanted to say but somehow couldn’t. I think that as children we are are able to understand when something is wrong but know when something is complete bullshit and say it without filter and we lose that somewhere between puberty and entering the cold world.

I see in this moment I have of looking back that I have been missing the wrong things. I thought I was missing a place where I belonged but, that wasn’t quite it. I miss being loved by the people around me, I miss having ryan bother me, I miss having someone to check on me when I’m sad, I miss not being able to sleep because all I can hear is some violent video game in the other room, I miss waking up early to decorate the kitchen or make an icecream cake from scratch to try to give a little happiness back to the people who made me so happy. 

I also feel a little ashamed because I didn’t live my life to its fullest. I spent a lot of afternoons crying because I felt like I wasn’t wanted... when that most likely wasn’t the case. I let my brother get to me when I should have let the little arguments go. I spent so much time worrying if I was wanted there that I wasted so many moments. I feel like crying thinking about all of that time that I wasted because of the lack of confidence I have in my relationships with other people. I still do it now, I always am thinking that my own family doesn’t want me (and although that is the case with certain people in my life) it probably isn’t the case for most people. I won’t learn that right away but I can use these memories to remind me to try a little harder every day. 

Here are some of my favorite memories I have of Ryan that he will probably never see because he is a teenage boy and I wouldn’t make him read such sappy nonsense. They are trivial and will appear meaningless but right now I can’t stop thinking about how happy these memories make me.

Always being the first two people up in the morning, and just sitting in silence together waiting for the other humans of the house to awake.

coloring in coloring books together and encouraging him to not be so hard on himself when he didn’t like the finished thing

swimming in the ocean 

picking him up from camp and getting lost with robert 

Driving in the car to pick up aunt Jen and him making us listen to the Spice Girls because he thought it would annoy me (it didn’t I actually like the spice girls)

Asking me to just get along with robert so we could stay longer

Eating sushi for the first time and splitting deserts with Ms. Janet

Trying to teach me how to use a skim board

Completely ignoring me at the Renaissance Fair (he had complete reason to)

Asking me to play monopoly with him just because he knew it was my favorite

Helping him make lanyard so he could give it to his mom for her birthday

Watching that stupid Blended movie that he wanted to watch so badly 

Riding our bikes (actually letting me ride your bike because I was scared of adult people bikes) all the way to subway because you insisted on having subway. 

This may sound silly but I think that you can learn a lot from unexpected people in your life. I never expected to have so much fun with a cousin I spent so little of my life with and, I think that my summer probably would have sucked if I didn’t have him to annoy me. And as I sit here alone cuddled up in my Mets blanket watching the snow fall I can think back on these memories and let them fill me up with some much needed happiness. I’m going to try to let myself let go and be happy more so I won’t look back on these days here and feel the amount of regret I have with New York.

[thoughtsfromanaviddreamer-blog]

Okay.

This week has been hard. It feels like everything that could go wrong went wrong at the wrong time. There is a laundry list of shit that happened to me and no one wants to hear me complain about it all. But I feel like my life is in shambles. I’m falling so far behind in my video class, missing probably one of the most important days of the semester. I’ve been so stressed out I don’t know how to put into words the severity my emotional state has been in. It’s not just anxiety that comes and goes depending on a trigger-- this has been constant. Since Tuesday afternoon I have felt completely helpless, sick to my stomach, body shaking (depending on the severity of my emotional state), crying, panicky and jumpy feeling. I haven’t slept enough which just fueled the fire. Tuesday night I had to stay up all night to finish homework because I got back so late so Wednesday I was a nervous wreck all day. I feel like I’m about to have a complete mental breakdown, I feel scared and I feel really angry. I’m angry because I can’t handle my life and I’m mad at everyone in my life who has added to this. I hate myself for being weak and not strong enough to deal with my life when bad things happen. I hate myself for not being able to blame other people when I know I’ve done nothing wrong. I hate feeling vulnerable. I’ve been closed off and distant from relationships and love/like/lust for years now and yeah, it sucked not having any feelings but it was easy. It was easy to not have anything to lose, to just go about life not knowing what I was missing. Now I know how it feels to have someone care about you and I know what it feels like to have that slip away. I know how to care so intensely about someone that you feel a gaping hole in your heart when you aren’t talking to them. I know now how amazing it feels to be connected to someone and to feel completely free to be honest and myself. And now, I am reminded of how awful it is to be vulnerable. I feel empty and cold and alone and I feel like I’m just standing out in the middle of the world. I just keep hearing people telling me what to do and what I did wrong, and how I’m not feeling what I’m actually feeling, and that they knew all along what I’ve just figured out and I feel mad. I just want everyone to shut up about my life. I feel empty and sad, I feel like I’m breaking down and I don’t have the strength to end all the pain I am feeling. I keep letting people who I care about hurt me and I keep making excuses for them-- time and time again but, I don’t know how much more of this I can take before completely losing my mind. I can’t keep up everything, I just feel awful and I want this all to be over, I want to curl up in a ball and cry and I want to be taken care of, I want the weight of the world lifted off of my shoulder, I want to be okay, I just want this stress to be gone and I want to be happy again. I want the light to not feel so distant.

Okay? I’m done now

[thoughtsfromanaviddreamer-blog]

I think that I care so deeply about so many things that I often will lose track of the bigger picture. I am a goal oriented person, I’ve always had a plan for my life. Sure I’ve changed it a few times but, there has never been a moment in my life where I didn’t have a plan set in motion. Currently my main goal is to graduate, move to long island and find a teaching job. I’ve known that I wanted to be a teacher since I was in the second grade so picking a major was simple. Marriage and kids and relationships.... yeah that has never been really in my plan. But here I am, just sitting thinking about my life and what I’ve made of it and I get kind of mad. I feel like I’ve been wasting away at my life just because I was so focused on the future and what I was going to be doing. I kept telling myself you can have fun when you graduate, you can have a life when you are in new york.... well I want to have a fucking life now. I don’t want a plan right now I just want to do what I want to do and not give a fuck what the plan is. Four months ago me would cringe at the thought of doing anything without an extensive plan but now I just don’t care.

All I know is that I changed a lot over the summer. I changed into someone else and I think it is a good thing but, I have spent all this time thanking other people for this change while in reality....I changed because I wanted to, NOT because of anyone else. It’s because of myself that I let myself be happy and it’s not about anyone else-- it never has been and it never will be again. I’ve just been so hard on myself I couldn’t even give myself credit for becoming a better person on my own. I’m just kind of putting in perspective the kinds of things and people that I have in my life. I think that if I didn’t change I wouldn’t feel so open and free right now. I have spend all of this time at school trying to please everyone else, trying to be what everyone wants me to be and I’m done-- I hate it all. 

I know who I am and-- it’s sad but know one else knows me. I know for a fact, at this point in my life no one knows who I am. It might sound sad but it’s true. I keep a lot of things I feel and experience to myself and I’m sorry but without that knowledge you really don’t know me. Sure I love my family and friends but if I’m completely honest, they probably only know 70% of who I am. I don’t think that it’s right for people to tell me what to do or imply that I’m making mistakes when they only know a small portion of who I am. I think that’s why people don’t stay friends after high school, because you change when you grow up and they don’t want to accept that you can grow without their help. Same goes for family, I couldn’t tell you the amount of times that my brother and I have gotten into arguments because he insists something about myself that just isn’t true. I just feel like everyone in my life wants me to be a certain way and whenever I open up or do something out of the norm they try to push me back into this box they have created for me. It’s like my eyes are finally opening and i can see so clearly what I need to do and how I need to change and it is so incredibly freeing.

The big picture for me now isn’t about a job or a place, it’s about me continuing to grow by myself-- into the person that I know I am. I’m done asking for everyone's approval to be happy because it really is no ones choice but my own. I will never be happy if I keep looking to everyone else to tell me what to do so, I’ve decided I’m finished. I’m giving up, what is the point of putting myself through continuous worry and nightmares over people’s opinions? Just this morning I let myself get sick to the point of a panic attack. Over what? It really was stupid to let it get to me but I just can’t help but let negativity eat away at me. I think about it now and It is nothing. It’s in my nature to care so deeply about how everyone else is feeling but right now I think I should just think about myself and block everything else out.

[thoughtsfromanaviddreamer-blog]

What running has taught me about my body

My running history is much like the average person’s sporadic and sweaty. In my early high school years I struggled a lot with my weight and between not eating enough and over working myself I would go running. It would only ever be for a few hours and I always struggled to get out of the house for fear that someone I knew would see me. So that’s the only experiences I had with running up until this summer. 

My second night back at college I randomly decided to go running for a half an hour by myself at night, I felt tired after, my heart felt like it would burst from my chest but I did it. I continued to go for a half an hour at night and then one of my roommates decided to go with me. We started going every night for anywhere from forty to sixty minutes, usually with a lot of walking breaks but nonetheless, It was fun. It was the only time we really got to talk together and, to vent about our problems to each other and I would look forward to it. Lately we haven’t been running together for various reasons but, I’m happy I got my spark.

It’s been over a month that I’ve religiously been running and I feel amazing. My anxiety levels have been lowered significantly, I feel more confident with my body and, I’ve lost ten pounds in three weeks. I want to mention at this point that I didn’t start running to lose weight, I did it to help my stress levels. When I came back from new York I was completely heartbroken, I spent the first few nights feeling so completely alone and confused about my life. I still feel this empty longing feeling but when I run it goes away for a while. During the week I have long days, I get out of class/work after 7:30, or 8:30 and the only thing that gets me through those days is knowing I’m going running at night. The first thing I do when I get back to my apartment is put on my running clothes and go back out. That drive has been what is getting me through my weeks. I also struggle a lot with anxiety. Last year I spent about a week a complete mess. I missed most of my classes, I wouldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, I had a hard time just leaving my room.... that is the reality of my life. If I let stress and fear overwhelm my body I shut down and can’t fix it. That is the reality of people who deal with anxiety, and It drives me insane when people tell me that it’s normal and I need to just calm down.

BECAUSE I CAN”T CALM DOWN

I don’t know how many times I have been curled up on the ground crying, desperately trying to calm myself down and lower my breathing. There has been no one to comfort me, nothing to help me through my panic attacks except for running. Now, I hesitated to say that it was actually helping me until this week when I had proof. This week has been really hard on me. I had a lot of projects and school stuff going on, work, etsy shop stuff, and on top of it I’ve been going for about a week now with $3.34 in my bank account. I have all of these new feelings about a boy that I haven’t felt in a long time so my emotions are high and My friend has been spending time with her boyfriend and I’ve felt alone again. The only person I’ve been able to talk to is an aunt who has her own busy life so I feel like I’m the bothersome relative who keeps nagging for advice all the time. Basically I’m mentally strung out about everything. Needless to say, I was really looking forward to my run on Monday and my body really let me down. I missed my goal, and had to stop. I limped back to my apartment. I cried my legs hurt so bad, I took some advil and just laid in bed and sobbed. I knew that I couldn’t run again for a while and, although it’s only Wednesday, I’ve been suffering a lot. I’ve felt so much stress crashing down on me, I haven’t slept more than two hours at a time and today I missed all of my classes. I had a panic attack today and just hid in my room and tried to snap out of it for hours. 

I’ve learned that running has given me back my life. Sure today was hell, and I lost everything I worked for but, it has given me back some stability. Before, I was like a time bomb, I never knew what was going to be too much for me. Now, I have a steady schedule of stress relieving running. I can feel everything I feel when I have a panic attack but instead of breaking down I control my heart rate myself. Plus, when I’m done, I feel invincible. I’ve also learned to be confident about my body. I thought that I was confident, but I know that I wasn’t really. I don’t hide in the shadows when I run anymore. If someone sees me sweaty and gross then it’s ok because I don’t have a flawless body and It’s ok if I let people see my flaws. 

[thoughtsfromanaviddreamer-blog]

New York Songs

A brief history of my music journey 

I feel a very strong pull towards “old” music. I grew up on a mix of everything that my parents grew up listening to from their parents and, what they listened to when they were teens. I was exposed to everything... really pretty much every type of music except for the hardcore rap, screemo, that sort of thing. Stuff like Simon and Garfunkel, Bob Segar (a big Detroit thing), Billy Joel, The Goo Goo Dolls, Talking heads, Humble Pie, Frank Sinatra, Motown, and a lot of other stuff. I already talked a lot about music that reminds me of growing up and my family so I don’t walk to go into that again but basically music is important to me. If it was just my mom and us (my brother and me) music would be playing in the house, I mean why would you clean the house without listening to Motown? That’s right you wouldn’t.

A side step away from the topic at hand

So lets just say I have a huge repertoire of music stored in my brain and, you better bet that I know the words to most of them. I don’t know a lot of people (my age) who like the same music as me so I don’t get to connect with anymore over my love of the Smiths or David Bowie on the Daily. I’m stuck listening to pop and rap most of the time because I don’t want to force my friends to listen to my “depressing-emo-indie-or-old-irrelevant-music” So when I hear one of my favorite songs I tend to freak out a little bit.... lets say a lot. If I am watching a movie, and my favorite Bon Iver song (Holocene) comes on in the background I flip out because it’s like someone else in the vast universe is watching this movie at the same time and me and falling in love with this amazing musician- it’s a stretch but go with it. (Watch the Judge because it’s  defiantly played in the movie).

My New York Trip

This Summer I Went to New York for a little over six weeks. My very generous Aunt and Uncle invited my brother and I to stay with them. I’m not ready yet to go in depth about my trip because I don’t really know how to talk about the best moments of my life. I mean, how do you put into words life altering moments, and try to explain how trivial things hold so much importance? I can’t yet so you will have to hold tight for a little longer to hear that story. I do feel like talking about my summer though so I wanted to talk about the music that I listened to on my trip. That probably sounds weird but, I know in a year or two I will be happy that I did this. You see, music is my strongest reminder of my memories of this trip. Like any other point in my life songs have always followed me around. Trevor Hall reminds me of Hiking up to Tequamenon Falls, The Strokes reminds me of my teen angst years, The Carpenters remind me of my mom, it’s all connected in my head. 

I could tell you every single day of my trip and how I felt based on the music that we (or I) listened to that day. Six weeks is a lot so I’ll mostly just focus on the bigger picture and days that I did something that would be deemed “fun” by a larger standard of people. I went into this trip very scared and very cautious. I felt that I wasn’t wanted and I felt that no one wanted me to come. When it comes to people, making friends, being invited places I am incredibly apprehensive. I don’t know why but when it comes down to it, I always am second guessing if people really want me around. It’s ironic that I am like that because in every other aspect of my life I am confident but alas I am socially inept at feeling wanted. So going into this trip I wasn’t even going to go for a while and when I finally decided to take a chance I was scared. 

Songs before the trip:

Bon Iver: Holocene, Blood Bank, Perth, Beth/Rest, The Wolves (Act 1 and 2), Blindsided, For Emma, and Flume

Death Cab: Brothers on a Hotel Bed, Stable Song, Summer Skin, Stay Young, Go Dancing, Cath, Talking Bird,Tiny Vessels, and A lack of Color

Bon Iver and St. Vincent: Roslyn

Anya Marina: Satellite Heart

The Cure.... a lot of it

The Velvet Underground: Sweet Jane, I’m Waiting for the Man,Heroin

Dashboard Confessional

To psych myself up I listened to songs that remind me of my Aunt Jen. I have a large section of songs that I associate with her, mostly because she is the person who showed me these bands back during the great music swap of ‘08 as my brother likes to call it. I started off my trip listening to a lot of Arcade Fire and a Dave Matthews because in my head she still liked all of this stuff and I could finally listen to this music with someone. 

Dave Matthews band: Ants Marching, Satellite, Dancing Nancies, Jimi Thing Two Step, Crash into me

Amy Winehouse: Valarie, Cherry, You know I’m no good

Barenaked Ladies

Arcade Fire

Now comes the pop portion of my trip. We spent most of the time hanging around the house listening to today's hits on Pandora, or Pure Pop on apple music so this next list will probably look like the top ten list on itunes right now. I kind of hate that, because I know that I’m going to get sick of these songs over the  years and not want to listen to them anymore but right now I still like them. These songs also were the most widely loved so this list has individual songs that remind me of specific people. My brother especially love pop, as do my cousins and Aunt and Uncle.

Marvin Gaye (my favorite summer song)

Where Are you now (”I love the dream sequence part”)

Hey Mama

Riptide (one of my aunts running songs)

Want to Want Me

Budapest (my second favorite “pop” song)

Good for you 

Lean On

Elastic Heart (dancing in the kitchen and driving to Montauk)

Bright (my third favorite “pop” summer song)

Renegades

Worth it (reminds me of my brother)

Can’t Feel my Face (reminds me of my aunt)

Geronimo (Reminds me of my cousin)

Here

Like I can

Sparks (reminds me of my brother) 

Shut up and Dance (reminds me of my uncle)

You just want my money

Simming pools (cousin Jack)

Cheerleader (friend)

Every taylor swift song

Now I think I’m going to just go into different chunks of my trip, I’ll group certain events together for sake of time and genre. During the week we were in charge of getting my younger cousin Ryan from camp so unless we were going into the city because jack and Ryan were going to their Dad’s house, we just hung around the house. My brother and I also spent a lot of the beginning of the trip fighting a lot so we were never in the same room together so that left me in control of the kitchen stereo and this is what i played:

Kodachrome (I like to blare this one and dance around like a spaz)

Me and Julio Down By the Schoolyard (another dancing song)

Diamonds on the Souls of her shoes (I like listening to the calmer Paul Simon stuff in the bath)

You Can Call Me Al (The beginning of this list is heavy Simon and Garfunkel because It was my Mom’s Birthday and I was feeling very guilty not being with her)

Cecilia (One of my favorite songs to dance to)

Modern Man (when I was feeling angsty)

Rococo

Ready to Start (I would also like to insert here that The Suburbs was the album I listened to on the plane ride)

King Kunta (I’m a big Kendrick Lamar fan)

The Smiths..... all of the smiths the list would be long (What I listened to when I was getting ready)

I went into Manhattan twice with my brother and three times alone. My aunt and uncle live in Commack so it was about an hour train ride into the city. I quickly learned the importance of headphones after our first train ride back because we had to share one pair and we fought over what music to listen to. This is the exact playlist I listened to, especially the days I was alone. I don’t know why I went with 80′s Alt. but I am happy I did because they are upbeat and they make me smile. The first day I went into the city by myself I spent all day walking around Central Park and, I had decided to listen to the Beatles while I was there, for obvious reasons. That was also a good choice because the Beatles is always the right choice, but for all of my other memories of Manhattan they are littered with songs from the following playlist:

Blister in The Sun- Violent Femmes

The Lovecats- The Cure

I Melt With You- Modern English

Psycho Killer- Talking Heads

Cars- Gary Numan

Shout- Tears For Fears

Rock the Casbah- The Clash

Just Like Honey- The Jesus and Mary chain

Modern Love- David Bowie (this song I specifically remember bursting into dance somewhere in Chelsea) 

Please, Please, Please Let me get what I want- The Smiths

Friday I’m In Love- The Cure

Call Me- Blondie

Vacation- The Go-Go’s 

Once in a Lifetime- Talking Heads

I will Dare- The replacements

If you Leave- Orchestral Manoeuvres In the Dark

Should I stay or should I go- The Clash (another bursting into dance around people and not caring song)

Burning down the house- Talking heads

Everybody wants to rule the world- Tears for Fears

I know it’s Over- The Smiths

It’s My Life- Talk Talk

How Soon is Now? The Smiths

New Grass- Talk Talk

Let’s Dance- David Bowie

I’ll Be You- The Replacements

Mad World- Tears for Fears

Wolf Like Me- TV of the Radio

The rest of these songs are from Barbecues, chilling with family and friends, beach days, house parties, that sort of thing.

Pink houses- John Mellencamp

Hey Jealousy- Gin Blossoms

Chicken Fried- Zac Brown Band (Dancing at a 4th of July party)

Cecilia

Galaway Girl 

Gin and Juice

Bailando (driving to the Renaissance fair)

No Diggity

Psycho Killer (bbq)

Me and Julio Down by the schoolyard 

Blank space- Taylor swift

And here I will insert my blurb about Mumford and Sons. 

So I’ve always wanted to live in NYC, since the first time I visited my aunt when I was in the second grade. For my 18th birthday I went to New York and she took me into the city twice (it was a short weekend trip). I was scared because it was my first time flying (I was a toddler my actual first time so that doesn't count) and I was scared. I decided to listen to music the plane ride there, I listened to the first Mumford and Son’s album, Sigh No More because it’s rare for bands no a days to have an album with all good songs. Plus they were one of my favorite bands at the time so it made sense. I heard one of their songs “I will wait” live at a pub. I listened to the Babel album the flight home and I cried (because I was leaving). For the past threeish years, Mumford and sons has reminded me of New York and longing to go back. This time around I didn’t listen to them too much, until about the halfway point of my trip. I found their new CD Wilder Mind and I freaked out a little bit. I was mad at myself for being three months late to the party. Anyone who knows the band knows that they are known for prominent banjo, folk vibes, and lyrics that somehow speak directly to your soul without being too angsty-- this album is different. Different is an understatement but, as I soaked in the tub and listened to the album I felt so many different emotions. I love this album, I spent the remainder of my trip listening to this album, in the bathtub, picking my aunt up from work, cleaning up in the kitchen, putting makeup on, doing laundry, packing to go home, you name it. The thing is, even though the overall sound of the band is different, it affects me the same way that it did before. The sound of Marcus Mumford’s voice cuts deep into my heart and breaks through the shell that I’ve built up. I find it very fitting that I discovered this album during my trip. This album marked a change in the bands sound, and the trip marked a change in my life. I can still appreciate the old music like I can appreciate my old memories but I can enjoy the new music even more. 

Today As I walked to my Shakespeare class, I listened to Modern Love by David Bowie and I felt like dancing, just like I did when I was in Central Park. Every day I can choose to listen to these songs and remember these moments or I can just stumble upon them and have the memories flood back. Regardless of the source, I’m thankful for great music and the ability to let it speak for my emotions.

[thoughtsfromanaviddreamer-blog]

Let's talk about sex baby

(Yes that is a salt-n-pepa reference) So, I've been thinking about writing this blog post for a week now and every time I start I stop myself- but not tonight. I'm going to put all of this on the table. Before I get down and dirty let me lay down the basis for this post. I am an art major. I feel like I've been using that line as an explanation for everything weird about me... but it's true. As an artist I think about things differently than everyone else, it's my job to look at people and situations in different ways-- basically I'm trying to say I'm creative. The problem is, with all of this creative thought I sometimes have issues zeroing in on something to focus on. However when it comes to my art, that isn't the issue. Instead of not knowing how I want to change the world with my art I have a huge idea that I don't know how to create art about. PAUSE... This already doesn't make sense. So to just lay it out I want to make art about human sexuality but I don't know how to do it. I don't want to use people because it was come off as soft porn so I'm trying to think of a metaphorical way of looking at sexuality without zeroing In on the actually act of sex. I want to explore our fascination with sexuality without simply promoting/hating on it. That's my problem and the main cause for writing this blog post. (I would like to insert here that I'm listening to fever by Takka Takka. It's always been a favorite of mine, go listen to them) So If you know me in real life everything I am going to write here will probably shock the hell out of you so please brace yourselves. I want to take another side step around sex to mention stereotypes. I have a stereotype as being the "good girl" and I guess that is true, I don't really break that many rules but it doesn't translate to all aspects of my life. Like most college girls we are put into categories good girl/ bad girl is my personal favorite. This stereotype specifically pisses me off because it hits pretty close to home. I've spend most of my life trying to continue to fit into the good girl box because that's where everyone expects me to be. I don't want to be in just one box because I belong in both. Truth is I bet a lot of girls don't fit in just one box but they feel stuck in one because that's where guys always expect them to be. I'm finally at a point in my life where I am completely comfortable with my sexuality and my sexual preferences and I couldn't care less about taking myself out of the good girl box and into the bad girl box. I mean what does it mean anyways? It's stupid, it's really just another way for society to guilt us into wanting to fit in and settle for normality? instead of exploring our sexual fantasies. Sex is a pretty big deal in our culture. I mean people have been having sex forever (obviously) but, it seems that as time has gone by sex in pop culture has been increasingly important. I think I am part of the Y generation so, I am only going to know about what I've seen in my lifetime. Sex is everywhere...Commercials, advertising, movies, it's literally everywhere, I've even seen a couple having sex on the boardwalk In Coney Island *insert gagging motion here*. What I'm trying to say is, my generation has been raised in a technologically dependent world, we live glued to our phones, constantly being bombarded with ads and commercials aka sex. We can't help ourselves it's part of pop culture. Now let me talk about the female body.... as a woman I'm talking from personal experience here, I am viewed as a sexualized object. Let's all think back to grade school, who did the dress codes apply to? Girls!! Almost all of the rules at my school applied only to girls clothing. No short skirts, no shirts with straps that were thinner than four fingers. And would you like to know why I was told I had to follow these rules? It was because it would distract the boys! That's a bunch of shit in my opinion, not only is it offensive to women, it's basically saying that men can't control themselves and need to be shielded from too much shoulder or a little too much leg. This bothers me, thinking about this really pisses me off because rules like this only further prove my point. From the moment I went through puberty I became a sexualized object. Let me tell you I went through this early. I got my first bra in fourth grade, my period in fifth, and the acne has stuck around. I have this collection of moments, moments that I can't forget and will never forget. The first time a man approached me at the mall when I was way too young. The boys in high school who would call me Mary (virgin) but still grab my ass when I walked by. Prom night when the only compliment I got was when guys told me they never noticed how huge my boobs were before. The time I was trying to buy nail polish In a CVS and a guy approached me and proceeded to grab my ass without consent. The countless times I got felt up at a party or just on my walk back to my apartment. The constant rape nightmares I had throughout all of highschool, it sucks. It sucks so hard to deal with this. I've struggled with this a lot- my sexuality. I've dealt with a lot of shit over the years, a lot of things I won't even talk about but it's been shitty. I spent a long time doing as I was told, covering up, wearing high necked things, loose dresses and then one day I woke up. Why should I hide my body? I shouldn't, and no woman should. I've been sexually assaulted dressed both ways, and I refuse to be slut shamed because,when it comes down to it-it's not my fault. It's not my fault that the female body is a hyper-sexualized. I can't change that, because it's been going on forever. In the mean time I will continue to show some cleavage and wear whatever bikini I want because it is part of who I am. My style will not be dictated fear of being objectified nor will it be dictated by what men want. I wear what makes me happy and right now that happens to be a lot of dresses and high waisted skirts and I'm ok with that. I just looked up sexuality into google and this is what I got: SEXUALITY: capacity for sexual feelings. "she began to understand the power of her sexuality" synonyms: sensuality, sexiness, seductiveness, desirability, eroticism, physicality Funny... Let's continue, shall we? Girls are taught to be ashamed of their sexuality. We are taught to hide and pretend sex isn't ladylike. Like the good catholic girl I was I didn't know or ask anything about sex for a very long time. In the sixth grade when we watched "the video" I don't remember asking my mom about it I just shoved any questions I had aside for when I deemed it was appropriate to ask (which was never). Sexual innuendos went right over my head and my peers would laugh at me. I had to have someone explain what the "that's what she said" jokes meant-- I was truly out of the loop. I became ashamed of my lack of sexual knowledge and I pushed myself even farther out of the sex loop by pretending that I knew what everyone was talking about. I grew uncomfortable if anything sex related was mentioned before me and, I made sex this huge bad thing in my head so I didn't let myself think about it. It couldn't always stay that way though. My junior year of high school I went on the pill for acne related issues. Going to the obgyn I was so ashamed, I sat in the waiting room hoping that no one would look at me or ask me why I was there. I month later someone found my pills and jumped to conclusions. "Who are you having sex with?!" I'm not having sex. "Why aren't you having sex all the time? You can have sex all the time and not worry about getting pregnant!" because I don't want to have sex right now. I had spend so long being objectified I was still at the point where I was hiding and pretending that I didn't have sexual feelings. Then one day I snapped. No boy would date me because I was too innocent, whatever the fuck that meant. I started texting someone who I was vaguely interested in and decided I was going to break this innocent routine and save my social life. I remember having to use urban dictionary a lot because I didn't know was bj was. I'm embarrassed still thinking about it, I spent a lot of time catching up and learning about all of this stuff I had no idea about. After a while, I told myself I was going to lose my virginity. I don't know what I was thinking but, I'm happy I didn't go through with it. Actually I'm pretty sure the guy didn't expect me to go any farther than I did, turns out I'm not as spontaneous as I thought I was. I'm not going to share what happened that night because I think that certain things I want to keep off the internet but, I will say that everything was consensual. Please don't let your imaginations run too wind because it really wasn't much. That night I showered and scrubbed the sweat off my body but, I couldn't shake the crappy feeling I had. I stared at myself, naked In the mirror and cried when I saw the bruised bite marks on my breasts. I couldn't stop staring at my naked body, I felt raw and empty. I felt like a whore the next day and, I couldn't turn off my brain. I kept replaying everything in my head, I felt so ashamed. I felt ashamed because I loved every minute of it. I had never indulged in a sexually charged moment before and it was amazing. Too bad it was never supposed to be a relationship so I pushed sex back onto a high shelf where I couldn't think about it again because sex means heartbreak. Fast forward to college, the point in your life when you sleep around, get drunk, and party hard. I tried it out my freshman year. I partied, I tried out the lifestyle. I dabbled in beer pong and drunk guys. I easily got fed up with the lack of available sober males and gave up. I decided to give the partying lifestyle one more go. I attended my first huge frat party- the stop light party, you wear what color represents your status, green yellow or red. I wore a neon pink bra under my see though neon green tank top. The green signifying that I was single, the pink bra signifying that I just didn't give a fuck what people thought. I had a lot of guys touching me that night, I remember feeling so open and free. I felt high on life grinding and dancing the night away. Sandwiched between two guys and knowing they wanted to fuck me was a huge turn on. Midway though making out and pulling on clothes security broke up the party. Through the chaos I was separated with what would have been my first one night stand. I swore off partying that night. I hadn't had a drop of alcohol but, I was so sexually frustrated that I was about to have sex with a complete stranger. I was ashamed of myself again. It probably didn't help that my roommate spend the next two weeks calling me a whore and telling people that I was a closet slut. I've learned a lot about sex and my own sexuality since then and all of those premature experiences taught me that sexuality shouldn't be repressed. I think once you get to your own personal point of maturity (because age doesn't define maturity) you shouldn't repress all of your sexual desires. I shouldn't feel ashamed to want to have sex just like I shouldn't be ashamed of my body. I shouldn't have been 19 when I had my first orgasm when I know teen boys are taught that masterbation is normal. Girls should know that it's ok to have sexual desires instead of feeling ashamed. We as humans shouldn't feel ashamed to share sexually related things with one another. How is sex still such a taboo topic during a time when you can watch porn on your cell phone? I wish I knew the answers to these questions I have. Check back for my next over-sharing post, Bridget

[thoughtsfromanaviddreamer-blog]

My top 10 movies

I've recently moved back to college for my junior year *insert standard, witty comment about how time flies* and my roommates and I have combined all of our movies into one huge collection. 20 years worth of movie collecting times 4 plus my Netflix account equals a huge movie collection. It has made picking out a movie challenging per the fact that we are all new roommates and no one wants to be controlling or pick something that someone else doesn't want to watch. The whole process of alphabetizing the movies turned out to be a nice bonding experience, I mean when it's eleven pm and you've been moving in all day you're brain stops remembering what letter comes before v. Today, I woke up to the sounds of Hilary Duff narrating the beginning of A Cinderella Story. I loved that movie when I was a pre teen.... I don't think you can grasp how badly I obsessed over that movie. After watching it for the first time, probably on ABC Family, I begged my mom to take me to F.Y.E (any one else remember when that was popular?) and bought the movie and soundtrack. I listened to the soundtrack over and over and memorized all the words. I watched the movie on repeat and did all the bonus features, including a quiz that told me my Prince Charming was no other than Austin Ames *insert swoon here*. I watched the movie with the cast commentary.... And basically that was my relationship with movies, I obsessed over them to the point of depression. Like the books I read I wanted so badly to live in the world that these characters lived. I wanted to be a badass lawyer aside Tom cruise in A Few Good Men. I wanted Richard Gere to pay me thousands of dollars to be his "employee" for a week. I wanted to own my own book store in Manhattan. I wanted to carry a watermelon. Gosh darn it I wanted to skip down the yellow brick road. So after a lot of thought and contemplating here is my list of favorite movies. Most of these movies changed my life or got me through a rough patch. I think you can learn a lot about a person through their favorite movies. I'm not sure what this tells you about my personality but it's about to get personal. First two honorable mentions. Mostly for their epic soundtracks. 12) (500) Days of Summer Tracks: Story of Boy Meets Girl Us - Regina Spektor There Is a Light That Never Goes Out Bad Kids Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want There Goes the Fear You Make My Dreams - Hall & Oates Sweet Disposition - The Temper Trap Quelqu'un M'A Dit - Carla Bruni Mushaboom Hero - Regina Spektor Bookends - Simon & Garfunkel Vagabond - Wolfmother She's Got You High Here Comes Your Man - Meaghan Smith Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want - She & Him 11) Nick and Nora's infinite playlist: Tracks: Middle Management (Bishop Allen) Ottoman (Vampire Weekend) Riot Radio (The Dead 60s) Speed of Sound (Chris Bell) Lover (Devendra Banhart Fever (Takka Takka) Xavia (The Submarines) After Hours (We Are Scientists) Our Swords (Band Of Horses) Silvery Sleds (Army Navy) Baby You're My Light (Richard Hawley) Very Loud (Shout Out Louds) How To Say Goodbye (Paul Tiernan) Last Words (The Real Tuesday Weld) 10) The Wizard of Oz: the first movie I remember watching. It was my favorite movie when I was a child, forget Disney movies This was my go to, I would play wizard of oz with my family and make them all be characters from the film- I was always Dorthy (obviously). I was Dorthy, Glenda, and the wicked witch for Haloween over the years. When we went to D.C. I saw THE ruby slippers in person. I still love this movie, Judy Garland will always be an icon to me. 9) 10 Things I Hate About You: I'm late to the game for this one but it's a great story. Heath Ledger is a babe and in my opinion it's a believable love story unlike the typical Rom Com that have men running in the opposite direction. I really love how angsty and cautious Kat is. I appreciate it when female leads struggle with accepting love because I feel like in most movies the girls are hoping the guy will notice them and that's just not the kind of girl I want to be. 8) Pulp Fiction: It's just the best. 7) Pretty Woman: I saw this movie for the first time when I was in eighth grade. My relationship with this movie is similar to my reaction the A Cinderella Story. I watched this movie 12 times the first week I bought it. I loved how strong Vivian was, she didn't take crap from men and she was independent, no pimps for her. And she was comfortable with her sexuality, something that took me a long time to figure out. Grated she was a hooker but, she didn't let that define her. Add in the fact that it has all the elements of a good love story and it shows why it's in my top 10. 6) Moonrise Kingdom: Wes Anderson at his finest. It's visually stunning, like all Wes Anderson films. The score compliments the build up of the story. The Khaki Scouts, they are great, I love them. The cast..... Bill Murry, Bruce Willis, and Edward Norton are fantastic. It's witty and smart, the story is somehow very relatable. Every Time I watch this I want to watch it again because it's so beautiful. 5) Sleeping Beauty: My favorite Disney princess. My favorite Disney Prince. My favorite Disney villain. Pretty much my all around favorite Disney movie. I love the music in this movie, Tchaikovsky compliments the beauty of the animation. This movie cost the Disney company six million to make. The animation it gorgeous, the landscapes and backgrounds are like nothing else it's pure art. 4) Dark Night: now I know what you are thinking, no Marvel movies on this list. Dark night isn't just about batman fighting crime, it's about so much more than that. Plus I'm in love with Christian Bale... age is just a number right? And I would be remiss if I didn't mention Heath Ledger's stellar performance, his joker will forever be my favorite. I'm not looking forward to Jered Leto's performance in Suicide Squad. 3) Say Anything: If my love life could Be like any 80's movie this is the one I want. I was a Diane in high school, not as smart but the same work ethic and lack of social life. I first watched this movie the summer after my first year of college. I was single, depressed, and all around pretty pathetic. I was in a pretty dark place when it came to love. No one loved me and I didn't care, I mean love is overrated right? Well this movie shook me up a little. I cried when Lloyd gave Diane his heart because in that moment, when she gave him the pen-that was what I had been doing my whole life. I threw away my own happiness on several occasions for fear of getting my heart broken. I still struggle with it and I probable will continue to stuggle with accepting love until I meet a man who loves me enough to work past my issues. Lloyd loves Diane enough to fly all the way to England to be with her. He holds a boom box outside of her window. I may be the only girl in this decade but, I would love to have sex in the back of a car to a Peter Gabriel song. My love for this movie is endless, everytime I watch it my heart feels so full and so hopeful. I'm twenty years old and I've never been loved before, I've never been taken care of it protected but I know that if a man could love me, I would want a man like Lloyd. 2) Pretty in Pink: I'm going to cheat and rope Breakfast Club and Sixteen Candles in here too. John Hughs movies got me through middle school. I loved them, everything about them. I grew up with freckles and strawberry blonde hair and my family (mostly a favorite aunt of mine) telling me that I looked like Molly Ringwald- and trust me I did, I think I still do but hey that's just me. The strawberry blonde has since faded and I have had to start dying it but in my heart I will always be a ginger. I've always feel connected to the characters that Molly Ringwald played. Claire: defiantly was the preppy pristine type in high school, boys would call me Mary in the halls. Samantha: My parents didn't forget my sixteenth birthday and I got boobs way before My sixteenth birthday but, I did spent the entirety of my freshman and sophomore year of high school crushing on a hot senior boy which unfortunately ended In nothing. Now let's talk about my personal favorite- pretty and pink: Andie. Now I know this in controversial because breakfast club is supposed to be everyone's favorite but pretty in pink is mine. This choice might be influenced by the fact that this was the first John Hughes movie I watched but nonetheless it is my favorite. So Blane isn't everyone's favorite guy but I like him, he's not the man of my dreams but I think he has a good personality. He makes some shitty mistakes with Andie, like taking her to a party full of people who hate her but overall I liked him I rooted for him. I loved that Andie really didn't give a fuck what people thought about her. I loved the music in this movie. The Smiths, let me just take a moment to say how much I love them. I've loved them since I first saw this movie when I was 12 or 13 and I am now 20 and I still love them. Any movie that has a Smiths song in it I instantly love (because I'm shallow like that). And I loved that Andie made her own clothes. I started sewing and refashioning my own clothes because of this movie. I should mention this was also part of my goth stage in middle school so the clothes were probably weird but at least I was being original. I wanted to be Andie, I wanted her confidence. I finally got it but it sure took me a while. 1) When Harry met Sally: to me this movie isn't just a chick flick it's the God danm truth about relationships. Every time I watch this a different quote seems to fit perfectly into my life. "What I'm saying is--and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form--is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.". Around this time last year I was trying to stay friends with this guy whom I had been an acquaintance with. I was pretending that I wasn't attracted to him so we could just be friends but It wasn't working. I remember one night instead of walking back to my apartment he had me sleep over and the whole night I just laid their next to him thinking how much I wanted him to want me. The next day I watched this movie with my girlfriends. It didn't work out, partially because I was attracted to him and partially because he was an asshole who called me fat. "Suppose nothing happens to you. Suppose you live there your whole life and nothing happens, you never meet anyone and, you finally die one of those New York deaths where nobody notices for two weeks when the smell drifts into the hallway." Fast forward to my recent trip to Long Island and I'm all kinds of crazy. I feel so much doubt about my goals. I've always wanted to live in NYC but now I wonder if I will ever change. Will I be able to overcome this self doubt and put myself out their? I guess only time will tell but if Harry can commit to loving Sally than I think I can go to a party and accept a random guys tongue down my throat (had to stick at least one breakfast club quote in here)

[thoughtsfromanaviddreamer-blog]

Age is a funny thing

So I'm currently In New York and I've been spending a lot of time with my aunt and uncle and people closer to their age and I can't help with think about how weird age is. Age is a funny thing. So often we look down on those younger than us and dismiss their ideas because they don't have enough experience to have a "valid point". I hate that. I know I've done it, I won't pretend that I haven't. I have friends who are already married and I always would say that it was a mistake or that they were crazy. I feel bad about that now because I realize that I was thinking only from my perspective and not from theirs. When it comes to romantic relationships I won't pretend to have opinions as most people. On the other hand one of my best friends has been in a long term relationship with someone much older than her. I know she gets a lot of judgement from people about it as I bet most couples in that situation would. I can say I did not think twice about it when she told me because we have the similar opinions on this whole age thing. I wonder when is the point where age is no matter an important piece of information? Probably never. I bet it's a constant question you get asked. People ask to judge each other- to see if you act your age or if your maturity isn't up to par. Then their is the whole vanity aspect to living. I am twenty, I look younger than that and people don't take me seriously. I'm used to it now. At this point I bet I sound like a whiny brat but hear me out. Maturity doesn't necessarily happen on a steady flow chart. I know so many people older than me who act without maturity. I also know people younger than me who have life experiences that have matured them in ways that so many people never will. I wonder when people will stop telling me I will change my opinions when I am older. I wonder when what I have to say will be valid without question of my age. Just like everyone I have been through things that I don't share with anyone. Everyone has matured in different ways because of different events and it doesn't seem fair that a number can trump everything that has shaped you into the human being you are now at this single moment in time. this is where I stop myself before I get more worked up about this yours, Bridget

[thoughtsfromanaviddreamer-blog]

Regaining something?

I don't know how to start this... It is currently 4:46 in the morning and I doubt I will sleep tonight. My eyes are swollen and my face is puffy from crying. I am currently listening to the M83 and although I have listened to this band for a while now I am just realizing that I don't know if it is just one dude or a band... I guess I must not be a true fan. When I'm up late which is most nights I like to leave my curtains open a little, partly because we don't have AC in my house and partly because I like to make up stories in my head about the people who drive by my house or walk by at night. I don't know why I feel the need to type this all out because I know that it is meaningless to anyone but me... I doubt anyone will even read this but I just need to put it out into the world. Does that make any sense? I feel like the only times I feel an urge to blog is when I am feeling heightened emotions and that really bothers me. Does that mean that we (the collective we) don't value the "trivial" day to day activities? Does that mean that unless something huge is not happening in my life that it doesn't hold value? I hope that isn't true because then my life would hold very little value in comparison to the rest of the world. I gave up writing a long time ago..... I never wanted to work at it I just wanted it to come natural without any studying or memorizing grammar rules. So I decided to push that hobby aside because why work at something if you don't need it anymore right? So that is why everything I write is full of grammatical errors and sometimes I get embarrassed about it but to be honest with you.. whoever is reading this i mean... is that really the purpose of writing? Now i want to point out now that I place a HUGE value onto grammar, reading, writing, basically all literature but right now as I lay on my bed trying to type away my thoughts I think that grammar can be pushed aside. So I'm not going to worry about it right now. Okay? Okay. So I'm going to be extremely selfish and use this blog to try to come to some conclusions about myself. I say this now because I'm not entirely sure what I am feeling now but, I know that as I continue to type the words will continue to phrase themselves and tell me what I need to know, just like they always have and, I am thankful for that gift of my mind understanding something that my heart does not. (I would like to interject here that I am listening to the song Wait by M83 on repeat and it's giving me all of the feels) This isn't about love really... but then again I guess everything sort of has to do with love in one shape or another. I don't really like the word love, I think I use it too often, I never put a greater value on it. I wouldn't say that I throw the word love around without meaning... maybe I just love a lot of people but right now I feel I've overused the word too much and it has lost meaning for me. Having said that I don't think that I have ever been in love. That is sad... I can admit that right now. I can say with almost complete certainty that no one have ever loved me in return. I don't feel pity for myself because how could someone ever love another who was cold and closed off? they couldn't. Anyone who has known me for a long time, and I'm talking over 6 years knows that I am an emotional person by nature. I always cried a lot especially when I had to say goodbye. That hasn't left me, I'm still a very emotional person... I feel not just with my heart but with every fiber of my being. That goes for insult as well as love. I started reading novels when I was young, I read Pride and Prejudice in the 7th grade (all my teachers probably thought I was a know it all or a liar but I read that book page by page). I'm sure you are thinking, does this connect? or is this just awful writing? Nonetheless pride and prejudice was my first encounter of the love story. Sure I watched chick flicks before but nothing like this. I instantly fell in love and I cried. I longed for the day that I could too find my better half by one true love blah blah blah.... So because I was the awkward girl who wore the wrong clothes and didn't know how to talk to boys without being sarcastic I read more books and watched more tragic sad movies. I would obsess over things (and I still do sometimes *cough* disney) and watch the same movie over and over. I remember after I watched Pretty Woman for the first time I watched it again 13 more times in the same week, I know this because I remember tallying it out on a piece of paper. And although I can see how that seems crazy and psychotic I can still see what was happening. I didn't want to deal with my reality. Why live your boring sometimes depressing life when you can just watch the perfect life on screen? I longed to be a part of that movie.... as with most of the movies I would watch. Books? They were a different story altogether. Books are full of gorgeous literary devices--they are essentially a string of words hand crafted by the author as a way to share something with the world. You have to work a little more with books. People who don't love books don't understand what it is like to read a book. For me, when I am reading a book, it's like I have a little movie playing in my head-- one that I am apart of. When I stop reading the movie doesn't completely stop it haunts me in a sense, creeping up into my thoughts every now and again. When I'm done reading a book I go into a little depression because I have to say goodbye to all of these characters that I've fallen in love with. Remember how I said I cry at goodbyes? So to move these thoughts along a little I'll jump forward a bit. So I read this book. I'm not going to say what book because I know everything I am saying will be discredited by a group of people. This is the first time I have read a book for pleasure in quite a while. That is partly due to the fact that I am a college student and partly because I haven't wanted to be emotional. This book made me cry a whole lot as I predicted it would because I know myself pretty well. I feel emotional still and I finished the book a while ago. I'm sure this sounds really dumb to most people but I do not care. Books make me feel the things that I can't feel anymore. They make me feel what I lost a little. So choosing to read a book means I am choosing to be vulnerable (more vulnerable) and that isn't something I need right now. Or maybe that is exactly what I need. This book that I read was the kind of story that I used to love but gave up because somewhere on the path to success I decided that love wasn't as important as strength. This book showed me a raw love that I could only dream of... and I cry thinking about the beauty of it. Still I question, is their really such a thing as true lasting love? I don't know. As of this moment in my life my definition of love is different from most people's definition of love-- then again my goals in life are very different to many girls my age. As much as I would love to think that my soul mate is out their somewhere waiting for me I highly doubt that that is true. Prince Charming will never come on this white horse to save me, and I take comfort in this because I don't think that I would want that. Right now I think my problem is not the lack of man in my life it is myself. I am afraid of myself I am afraid of what I have become I don't know how to get this out without flip flopping what I've been saying but, I'm going to try to make sense of what i'm feeling. I am afraid. I am so incredibly afraid of letting someone get close to me. I get nervous when a guy sits next to me that i don't know and I tense up whenever someone touches me. My first instinct is to run away...That is so pathetic. What makes me so angry about this whole thing is that nothing majorly tragic happened to me to make me this way. I am twenty years old and I have never been on a big girl date. Why? because I always say no or say yes and cancel at the last minute because I get to scared. I can replay all of these small moments in my mind where everything goes wrong and it makes me sick, I hate myself for it. Sometimes (usually when I'm hormonal and extra emotional) I think about how most of my college friends are all in relationships and happy and how I'm probably going to be single forever. The next day I get over it but when I am feeling the lowest I feel the most myself..... That's really messed up right? Well I get depressed every now like most people. I remember people used to tell me that depression is all in your head but that's a bunch of shit. I don't believe that in a second and I doubt anyone with long term depression would appreciate anyone telling them they can choose to be happy would thank then. I don't have severe depression but I do get depressed every now and then and it's like I am a person again. I feel like a zombie but at least I get the change to thing about my life with an open mind. I think my parents can sense when I'm feeling down because they don't nag me to be outside or talk to them as much and I appreciate that. I am in a bizarre point of my life right now when I'm trying to figure it out. I don't know what my future holds and I don't know who I am anymore. That scares me . What is the point of being yourself if you don't have someone to appreciate it with you. Both of my best friends are graduating early from college and it makes me incredibly sad. It makes me sad because I have finally found a friend who not only accepts me completely who I am but she nudges me to open up and challenge myself to put myself out their (even if she knows it or not). I also have grow even closer with someone who I would consider a sister now and it scares me that once we all graduate we three will never live together again or experience life together and it SUCKS. As much as I love being alone I know that I can't grow as a person with out supportive people in my life pushing me. And to be honest I don't think I would have even started thinking about love if it wasn't for them. I guess i never came to the conclusion that I had hoped. I think I just wanted to come to the conclusion that I'm ready to fall in love but that is a foolish thing to say. Because how can you really be ready to love if you don't have someone to fill that void? I think I understand now... Love is always present, it just morphs it self into different forms. It's not that I don't know how to love it's that I am just busy loving my friends and my family. I don't think that I could ever just be waiting around for someone to come and take the love that I am waiting to give because that would mean that I am not happy as I am. I don't think that will be understood to anyone but I understand it and although this is the one instance where I can't get what I am feeling out I now have regained a complete understanding of myself. So it's now 6:04 am, the sun is out and I have typed 2183 words. I can hear my dad getting ready for work and my head is pounding. I've just decided that I won't reread this or edit it in hopes that the next time I have an emotional love seeking moment I can follow my scattered thoughts through the process again. yours, Bridget Marie

[thoughtsfromanaviddreamer-blog]

Craftivities

Its been a while... I've decided that it's a good thing because the lack of my rants on here means I must be becoming a somewhat emotionally stable adult. I want to talk about something that I absolutely hate, like burning hate from the depths of hell-- yes this is that serious... CRAFTIVITIES. What are craftivites you ask??? It's basically crafts/ classroom activities that teachers, or adults in general push onto children and call it art instead. Here's something everyone needs to understand: crafts are NOT art! End of story they just are not the same thing. I think this belief stems from the fact that children do these "activities" all throughout pre and elementary school and they are constantly exposed to the phrase "arts and crafts". I think I need to insert a little warning here: these are my own opinions and although I believe that they are right everyone is entitled to their own opinion and if you don't agree with me just don't keep reading this. Ok back to these crappy arts and crafts... So the main problem I have with children participating in these crafts is that everything is supposed to be the same. Uniformity is the main goal: not expression but uniformity. Jimmy is praised because his construction paper frog looks just like Ms. Joneses construction paper frog. Sarah gets made fun of because hers doesn't look the same and she develops the idea that she isn't good at art. WARNING: you are engraining into these children that creativity and expression is only ok if it looks like everyone else's. Yes I'm blowing this out of proportion but it's true. I also understand the importance of classroom "activities" for young children to develop fine motor skills and things of that nature. I'm well aware that classroom activities are crucial for development but, please do it in a way that doesn't stifle a child's creative mind. Or just change the name, stop calling anything with a crayon or paintbrush art (because it isn't). Growing up we have all kinds of crafts for all different holiday parties and let me tell you there was no room for creative thought- zip. A classroom mom would usually stand in the front of the class and announce that we were all going to make art for Christmas. She would then proceed to tell the class what it should look like at the end and correct any child that tried to do something differently. Thinking about this I am seething. It's so wrong, we are teaching our youth that they need to conform to fit in. It's no wonder that children have a harder time with creative thought as they get older. Art isn't about uniformity Art is expression If you are teaching your children something and all of your students projects look the same what is the point? Children (young children) have not been hardened by the world yet, they still have pure and original thoughts. Without creativity in the classroom original art is harder and harder to find. The older you get the harder it is too think creatively. I am 20 years old and I still have to unteach myself things that have been hard wired into my brain. I don't want to talk about my entire teaching philosophy but believe that creative thought and artistic expression is so important to a child's mental health. Art is an outlet to get things our without having to talk about it or even to explain what you are going through. Sometimes you can't even figure out what is wrong until you sit down with a sketchbook and it all just comes out. I'm just going to end off on this thought that I'll rant about later... Art (real art) is for everyone

[thoughtsfromanaviddreamer-blog]

To Be Yourself, isn't enough anymore

...To be yourself What does that really mean? To be yourself? How can you be sure that who you are is not an extension of what society tells you to be? How do you know that you aren't pretending to be someone you aren't? I don't know the answers but I like to think that I know who I am. The other day in an education class I'm in, we were asked to write for five minutes about who we are. After writing for what felt like forever I felt good about myself, but a little conceited. To keep up with my over sharing trend, here is what I wrote: I am a kind hearted young women. I am independent and confident. I am emotional at all the wrong times. I am not too much i am just enough. I love with every bit of my heart. I am kind hearted and helpful, I would do anything for someone in need. I am truly my mothers daughter. I am anxious and worried about my future. I long to inspire, I want to share myself with the world. I'm afraid that I won't make a difference. I am not perfect. I smile too much and I sing out of tune but I know who I am and who I want to be. In my response I strayed away from physical statements probably because I felt like it was too self centered. The truth is this is the response that people would associate me with. Physical over inner beauty. I am 20 years old. I am short and I embrace it. I have strawberry blonde hair that I now dye because over the years it has faded into copper. I have greenish blue eyes. I curl my hair most days or pull it back. I like to wear flowers in my hair because it reminded me of an old song my parents used to play in the car. On most days I wear a dress, cardigan and boots. I put effort into what I wear because I like feeling put together. Dresses and skirts make me feel young and free. I have naturally blonde eyelashes and I am self conscious without wearing mascara everyday. I started wearing all the other makeup stuff everyday and I pretty much hate the way it covers up my freckles. I have my moms Italian nose and my dads round face. I'm not naturally slender nor do I wish that I was. My body is not perfect but it is my own. I do not hide my cleavage nor do I hide my sexuality. I embrace what I look like instead of putting myself down about it. You see... Knowing your inner self is more important for yourself but no one cares who you are anymore. If I walked into an economics seminar dressed the way I usually do with my red coat and flower crown I would be laughed out of the room if I tried to make a statement. I guess it's kind of like legally blonde? I'm not saying everyone is superficial and sexist but I know that when I'm walking around on campus people don't see me and think wow that girl is *insert compliment here* because I don't fit in with the norm of college life. What women are? So yes from what I've described I fit perfectly into the typical woman category however, I challenge the typical college category. I haven't worn jeans once here, I wore sweatpants twice in highschool and both times I was sick and I don't own a lot of hoodies. I don't like to be sloppy, I like to go to my classes looking professional and put together. So am I dressing the way I want to dress or am I feeding into societies standards? I don't really know but at least I am aware of what society expects me to be. It's not enough Unfortunately It isn't enough to know who you are you have to know the implications of who you are. For instance I am emotional, I know that this makes me a loving kind hearted person but to others it makes me look weak-- people will step on me. I have to hide that part of me, it sucks but that's just where we are right now. I'm girly and bubbly that means I'm a weak, naive, female. Im being cynical but it's the honest truth. You can't be yourself without losing dignity or credibility In this world. Yours- Bridget

[thoughtsfromanaviddreamer-blog]

A rainy day

hi all, So it's actually not raining here I actually think that it's snowing, but I'm going to pretend that it's rain because I love the rain. Now don't get me wrong, I happen to love the snow, winter is actually my favorite season. Having said all that I am ready for spring, this may be the first time I've ever said that but I'm sick of the gloomy Michigan weather. I'm ready to wear my dresses without people telling me I'm crazy, I'm ready for light jackets, and crisp afternoon walks. I guess I'm just ready for a change. So I'm going home this weekend for Easter, I haven't been able to see my family very much this semester but I am caught in this weird mental place. I miss my parents but I'm never going to live with them again, I'm an adult but not really. It's weird being in college you have all the stresses of adult life but you still have family to answer to. I don't know it's just weird being home. This year is going to be extra weird because my brother won't be home for Easter so I won't have anyone to do the typical childish Easter things with. Easter usually means watching kid movies, doing puzzles, and coloring in the coloring books we get. That is weird for people my age I know- don't question it just accept it. My mom always tries but it's just not the same without my brother. We are fighting now and it's my fault but I just want to be a kid again. I want to color in coloring books with my little brother and not worry about the rain. I don't want to think about walking in the rain later to meet up with my friends or think about how walking alone at night freaks me out now. I want to think about my childhood and always staying in on Sunday's watching cartoons and snuggling in blankets- I want to be snuggled, I want to be taken care of. This rain (snow) has brought out the needy side in me but I just want everything to be cheery and happy. I want to dance in the rain, the real rain not the snow. I want human contact, I want these stupid papers to write and edit themselves, and I want my canvas to Gesso itself but alas none of these things will happen. The rain is just a reminder that it's not something that you can escape, it's something you have to experience no matter how tired you are. (Turn of events: it's raining (maybe) I'm actually not sure but none of the flurries have stuck so I'm saying its rain) Until next time, Yours Bridget

[thoughtsfromanaviddreamer-blog]

The power behind music

Sometime during the bitter cold of winter I decided to fill up my iPhone with all of the music I used to. Why did I carry around an iPhone with only 60 songs on it for two years? I am tech deficient, I don't understand trivial tasks relating to anything that has to be plugged into a wall. So the fact of the matter is I have been relying on spotify and pandora to listen to all of my favorite songs. One weekend when I was feeling ambitious I decided I was going to transfer all 8,000+ songs from my external hard drive onto my new iPhone. After many hours of frustration, waiting, and lots of shouting at my brother to help me, my music was finally restored into my life. Why you ask am I making such a big deal of this now? Well I listen to such a vast variety of music it's hard for me to choose and remember what I even have so for the past few months I've just been listening to the same artist or album. That's the dreaded hipster coming out of me and for that I apologize. I figured the only way I would be able to start enjoying everything would be to make playlists Again. So that's what I started doing and what has led me to this post. Before I dive into the sentimental parts here are some of the songsThat remind me of my childhood: Here Comes the Sun- the Beatles Splish Splash, Clementine, Mack the Knife and Beyond the Sea- Bobby Darin What's going on Beautiful loser, sunspot baby, fire down below, brave strangers, Main Street- Bob Segar End of the innocence- don Henley Caravan, brown eyed girl, and it stoned me- Van Morrison American pie American girl Born in the u.s.a Any Billy Joel song Any Beach Boy song Frank Sinatra On the radio- Donna summer California Dreamin- the mamas and the papas Nights on Broadway- Bee Gees Fire and rain- James Taylor They long to be close to you- carpenters Baby love Ain't no mountain high enough Burning down the house- talking heads Ain't to proud to beg Let's groove- earth wind and fire Wild world- cat Stevens I'm forcing myself to stop now because in realizing that I have over three hundred songs that fit under the category of nostalgic childhood moment. I'm doing this for personal reasons To be even more personal my dad and I didn't always have the best relationship. It took me a very long time to realize that we fought not out of hatred but because we have the same personalities and we knew how to bring out the worst in each other. I've been trying to make it up to my dad ever since I came to this conclusion. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person who understands where he is coming from and it makes me sad and miss him so I decided I'm going to make him mix CDs like in the old days. Never having a lot of money and my limited skill set with the computer I would make my dad a mix cd every year for Father's Day so I thought why not bring back this lost tradition? Most of the songs I've listed and many more are songs that remind me of my dad or moments in my life that he would remember with me. My dad and I don't really hug a lot or express our feelings with each other but I'm tearing up thinking about giving this to him. I hope it to be a reminder that i cherish all of these moments with him. A collection of memories: Dancing with my dad at a teen angles concert to here comes the sun Listening to my Bobby Darin Cassette and dancing around the house Putting on shows in our basement and at my grand parents house to bob Segar songs (he was our favorite) Listening to Motown songs whenever we were driving to go out to dinner and singing duets like ain't no mountain high enough with my brother I remember listening to a Don Henley CD and crying to the end of the innocence on the way to visiting my uncle in Ohio I still have a vivid memory of sitting in my parents room at our old house. Beyond the sea was playing and my dad was yelling at me because I said sorry all the time Wonderful tonight by Eric Clapton is the song my parents danced to at their wedding They long to be close to you my mom would sing, it's one of her favorites My dad would always blare scenes from an Italian resurant because he loved the instrumentals so much I'm going to have to sum up the rest as songs I remember listening to in our back yard having bonfires and just talking as a family I'm realizing now that this is only about me and my memories but these songs hold so much meaning to me. I'm sure everyone has at least one song that they associate with some loved one. A song isn't just about the music and lyrics, it's about the moment you share with someone. The song acts like a time piece holding with it a memory that can always be unlocked. All of these memories I've shared are trivial moments from my very young childhood. These moments hold no significance except capturing a moment of my normal life. Sure I'll always remember prom and graduation but my favorite moments will always be these precious trivial moments that have to do with nothing. Until we meet again- Yours- Bridget

[thoughtsfromanaviddreamer-blog]

What is and what should be

I'm sure I'm not the only person in the world who romanticizes the past. What in gods name are you talking about you ask? Well let's look at movies, who doesn't watch an old Judy Garland or Gene Kelly movie and long to be in it. Those dresses, that class, the way everyone spoke, the elegance that every leading lady held. Too far back for you? How about just going back into the 80s, what girl doesn't want their own cliche 80s movie love story? My personal favorite is John Cusack holding up the boom box blaring in your eyes in the middle of the night (take note future suitors). Sure the same class and elegance isn't there, but there is still this sense of perfection in watching these "old" movies. I'm constantly thinking "if only I was born in a different decade" "I wish life was still like that" and so on and so forth. Thinking about it now, in 20 years teens will probably be saying the same thing about my messed up generation. What I'm trying to get at is this... Why are these relationships we are so eager to jump into so different now a days? Personally I blame technology, in a world of Facebook messaging, texting, and Skype it's easy to hide behind a screen. Sure it can be easier to talk to that certain someone but so much is lost between words and voice. I think back to highschool when I foolishly assumed the boy I liked asked me out on a date (it wasn't a date) and then everything around me just fell apart. It's silly really, how much we put into simple messages. How we cut them up and piece them back together to make them sound the way we want them to sound. I know that no matter how hard I try my awkaward/blushing/sarcastic/bubbly personality will never be able to come through in a simple message. Yet I still try... I still will get all nervous opening up a message, or wonder if the words I choose came across as crazy. I will try to play this game of technology tag but the whole time I will be thinking "this isn't me". Which brings me back to my first point: Where did the Elegance go? I hate playing games, I want to just walk up to a boy and say "hey I kind-of-really-like-the-way-you-talk-to-me-and-always-have-something-to-say-to-me" but God forbid I do that. No! Craziness will ensue, the world will literally collapse under my feet if I said that because in my world that's not normal. In my world you have to play message tag and become friends for a while (but not too long) and then you get coffee and then you do this and that and waste even more precious life moments waiting for what you've been ready for the whole time- just a date. And are dates even a thing anymore? I'm not just talking about hanging out and watching movies I'm talking about a real take me out and put a little effort date. The truth of the matter is... I'm never been on a real date before. Que the sobbing violinist and the shocked faces. I am a perfectly normal, twenty year old college girl and I've never been on a big girl date before. What is a big girl date you ask? I stole that phrase from an old friend who told me the story of her first real (big girl) date. First, I feel like I need to do a little personal backstory so I don't condemn myself into a world of solitude because God knows if you share something like that a boy will never date you because there must be something wrong with you. An unnecessary explanation. In high school I never got around to dating because honestly it just never seemed to work out for me. I liked him, he liked her, he liked me I sure didn't like him. Blah blah blah. On my pathway to the person I am now, I decided that I needed to change if a boy was ever going to like me. After many days being called Mary (meaning Virgin Mary- yes boys shockingly use this term) I decided that I wouldn't be so undatable anymore. After falling for someone who told me that "I was too innocent and he didn't want to hurt me" Young naive me thought that if I just changed that... boys would look at me different. Long story short I jumping into a situation I should never have put myself into and that was the wake up call I needed for myself. No I wasn't raped lost my v card or anything to that extreme. What happened was I learned something very important about myself- I am perfectly content being myself. Fast forward to the now I've been single for a long time (actually forever shh). I've had fun, went to parties, clubs, made out with a few frogs and done things I wish I hadn't. When people hear that they assume there is something wrong with me. A girl who is happy being single? A girl who doesn't have her wedding planned out and baby names picked it? GASP. It's not like I'm ugly and boys don't find me attractive (im confident enough with myself to say that) it's just that I'm picky. And the main reason is... I'm shy. That's really hypocritical of me to say that, but I get nervous talking to boys. I blush a lot and I giggle too much and I just want to hide under the nearest desk. It makes no sense because I can carry myself with confidence and say all of these things on here but I couldn't do it in person. Which brings be back to my second point technology has ruined everything. At least if I lived in affair to remember I would know how to talk to Gene Kelly, or I could talk on the phone with John Cusake. To sum up this nonsensical bunch of thoughts relationships are difficult and annoying and scary. And it takes a whole lot of courage to just think about talking to a boy even if you do have to go through the whole messaging, waiting, I'm-so-nervous-I'm-going-to-puke process. Until next time- Bridget

[thoughtsfromanaviddreamer-blog]

Favorite artists

Here is a small list of some of my favorite artists: Degas (think heavy brush strokes and ballerinas) MARK ROTHKO Coco Fusco AKA the most bad ass performance artist ever (look up stuff or couple in a cage) Mondrian (Broadway Boogie-woogie) Ai Wei Wei (sunflower seeds, backpacks, and basically saying fuck you to the Chinese government) Monet (yes typical a answer) seriously though? If I could jump into one of his lily pad painting and live there forever I would Rauschenberg just look him up Judy Chicago: the dinner table, feminism, vaginas need I say more? Henry Moore's abstracted body sculptures Frank Stella and Donald Judd I'll end with a specific sculpture, it's a Jeff Koons, "women in tub" (1988). This is a really powerful piece to me. I don't really like explaining art because it is-- to some degree about personal interpretation. Having said that I would just like to point out that there is a snorkel in the tub that may impact your relationship with the art.