The battle of thoughts.
Have you ever felt like you are drowning in your thoughts? Like you get caught up in them, feeling like you are in a tornado, spinning faster and faster. To the point, where you can’t stop thinking, feeling paralised and unable to break out of your thoughts.
I’ve always been someone who overthinks pretty much everything, even the smallest details. In the past few months, there have happened so many things and there have been so many new things and changes in my life. I’ve finished my a-levels, started my apprenticeship, lost my grandpa and welcomed another pony to my little pony herd, just to give a few examples. I experienced all kinds of emotions, went through highs and the lowest lows I ever went through.
And through all that, my thoughts were one of the hardest things to deal with.
Believing that God has a great and wonderful plan for my life, that he wants me to fulfill, I really want to follow his plans and not mine. And since I’m not really a patient person, I’d like to get to the finish line as fast as I can with not a single detour. Therefore, I was always thinking about my recent decisions, especially regarding my apprenticeship. And that then led to me letting in doubts and worries. So many questions and thoughts really fogged up my mind. What if God has a different plan for me? What if he wants me somewhere else? What if my decision to do this specific apprenticeship is going to lead to me taking longer to fulfill God’s plan for me? And so forth and so on.
All this thinking gave me headaches and at times, I really thought my head was gonna explode soon. I was so confused and was longing for peace. I prayed to God, asking for peace and begged and begged him over and over to tell me what to do. It took some time for me to be calm enough to listen to what God was trying to say to me, but I finally realized that my thoughts and my mindset were the biggest of my problems. That they were the thing, that kept me from enjoying my life, despite whatever circumstances are around me. From that moment on, I tried to focus on everything good and thinking positive thoughts, rather than letting negative and doubtful thoughts take over. I would be lying to you if I told you it was easy - it was the opposite. Changing my thoughts and mindset was hard work and often times, it felt like a battle. A battle of thoughts, if you will. I had to fight every single day, praying and relying on God’s strength and help. Some days were easier, some days were harder. The progress was slow and often times it felt like there was none at all.
Now, a few months have passed and I’m so glad, that even though it was a slow process, I learned how to control my thoughts and lead them in the right directions with God’s help. Surely, there is still a lot more room to grow and I’m not at the finish line yet. But I’m also not where I was 3 months ago and as long as I keep going and making progress, that’s completely fine. Because at the end of the day, the only thing God is really interested in, is the attitudes of our hearts.
On that note, I would like to end this blog entry. I hope my little testimony maybe encourages you a little to keep on fighting with God’s help. He loves you and he will help you get through whatever it is your struggling with.
See you soon and be blessed!
Love, Johanna