Well, this can't be good

25, lgbtq+, autistic, generally a mess

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Do you ever just... miss someone you know was bad for you?

I know he was bad to me, emotionally, physically, mentally. He was awful, he used me... but every now and again.. I miss him. For dumb lil shit reasons too.

I miss waking up to coffee he'd already made, because he was always up and out of bed by 7. I miss his constant wanting to be near me, to touch me, hug me, hold my hand. I miss his dumb confident smile, even when he was completely wrong.

I'm laying in bed, with my best partner I've ever had in our living room, our cat laying on the bed, and the person I'm thinking about is a horrible horrible person.... that I miss.

Worst part is, I know that I don't actually miss him. I don't miss the way he treated me, or locked after me.. I miss who I was, where I was.. back before my responsibilities got too much. Before I burnt out and broke down.

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I'm pretty certain my partner is cheating on me... either that or they want to be

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Piggybacking off my last post, like....

I dunno how to approach this topic with my partner? They know I've been in a bad place for months, there's been this whole drama with work to the point my therapist told me I either needed sick leave, or inpatient. But I already feel guilty enough with them just having to deal with me. They didn't sign up for this. Like, granted, I always tell people that my S.A.D hits real fuckin hard at times, and that like...most of my breakups have been in mid to late winter because of it....

But they've got their own things going on, and I need them to focus on themself for a change? I got them the info for a therapist, because we agreed after the window incident they needed therapy, but that happened months ago... like... nearly half a year ago, and we haven't sorted it out for them yet...

I feel like no matter what, right now, I am failing everything. I'm failing as a partner, as an employee, as a friend, as a fuckin human being...

God, I want to just....pause my existence for like...3 months? But that's not something I can do, because society demands I pay taxes and bills and rent, and to do that I need money, and to get money I have to work, and because I'm not working right now, I can't afford anything

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Lowkey I find it kinda funny that whenever something shitty happens in my life, that's when I come back to tumblr, because I can scream things into a void where no one knows me, no one's going to respond to me, and the few people that do are the ones that feel the same

So hi, I'm 25, and my eating disorder has come back again.

Its not like I want it to come back, but I can't bring myself to eat until there's someone else there, or someone else eating with me... which used to be okay when my partner and I were eating together, but recently they've started making their own meals, so I've just...stopped eating...

Its not even like I'm not aware of it, but... I cant bring myself to exit the bedroom and go into the livingroom\kitchen because that's where they are, and if I have to make food, then I have to be in there.

I miss my cat... he would make me eat... he would meow at the door, or claw at my legs until I went into the kitchen, atleast twice a day, and fed him.... then while I was there, I may as well feed me too

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I wanna fuckin cut myself....

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Literally just want to kill myself right now, and I know no one would even be bothered....

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Bruh, self harm is so fuckin weird...like, I can be in a room, with absolutely nothing harmful around me, and no easy way to hurt myself, and my god damn brain is just like "rip into your hand with your teeth" and for some reason...I fuckin do

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What the fuck am I supposed to do when I want to hurt myself, and know I should reach out to someone....but...I don't have anyone to reach out to to stop me...

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Brrruuuuhhhhhh

Coming back to uni has been a wild ride. My ex did the whole "let's stay friends" thing, and then ignored me for months, to the point where people were asking me if I'm okay, because they thought it was needlessly cruel.

Then I messaged her to explain why I was upset with that, and she blew up at me, and has decided we are no longer friends.

Then I stupidly turned down a hug from the guy I like because I didn't want a pity hug

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Just incase people aren't aware of this, I can categorically say that spending your birthday watching your (out-of-your-league) ex flirt with your current crush is....not particularly fun.

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Guess who didn't eat today because people won't leave the fucking kitchen!

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My brain just wants me to die atm.... and I wish it would just kill me already

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I want people to help me...but I don't want to let anyone in and be vulnerable anymore

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Props to me from using two different aspects of my trauma to make two dnd characters.

A god complex imposter syndrome changeling hiding as a tiefling.

And

A mute child that literally can't speak for themself, and gets belittled by everyone.

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I dont know how to explain to this person that when they make jokes about me bullying someone, it makes me brain shut down and spiral...

How am I supposed to tell a person that their joke about me being a bully genuinely made my spiral to the point of self harm....how the fuck can I say that to someone without it being seen as trying to guilt trip them...

I just want them to stop

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I keep thinking I should just drop out of my masters course...

I'm not doing anything worthwhile, and I'm not gunna get good marks at the end of it. I don't know why I'm even trying.

I mean chances are I'm going to end up sat around doing nothing for the rest of my life...or I'll get a shitty job at a tescos or something.

God I could even just draw furry art commissions, that's more likely than me actually finishing this course and getting a job I want

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I've been sat for 10 minutes with a scalpel just....feeling the urge to hurt myself over and over again... why is it that hurting myself is the only thing that makes me feel better, why couldn't I be a normal idiot that drinks, or smokes, or some shit