Fear of Dying // Friday, 9 March 2018
It must be silly for someone to think that she is dying even though she is perfectly healthy. But the truth is, no matter how perfect you are and how crumpled you are right now, you are dying. Every day, every hour, every second, we are getting older – little by little. I was afraid of dying, even to think about the truth that we are all gonna die in the end. I felt that it was the meanest thing that God could ever give us. I mean look around, life is fantastic. No matter how shitty you are right now, be honest with yourself that you’ve experienced a good life, but in the end, it depends how you define a good life. Anyways, I did not want to die because life is simply good. But one day, my mind did it’s backflip to all angles possible, up down left right all the way everywhere, it feels like a mind fuck because suddenly I thought the big question of “Why I am so so afraid of dying?”
To know more about myself, I am still skeptical of heaven and hell, the reincarnation, all the shiz of topics about the afterlife, I am still not a big believer of everything because I believe some questions are somewhat endless and have no answers. Back to the big question of mine, “why I am so so afraid of dying?” I spend almost maybe a little of 3 or 4 years to finally realize the answer. I thought the answer is to find your passion, find the meaning of our existence, find your life’s purpose; basically, it’s all about finding. The finding questions helped me a lot to mapped out some of the bits answers to my questions like what’s the thing that makes me forget to eat which literally means what is my passion, FYI. However, in the end, I realized that it’s not just about finding like as if the answer is out there, but the answer is actually already in me. Eventually, I learned how to be honest with myself. Someone once said, “When the right time comes, the truth will arise.” The truth did arise in the end. So why am I so afraid of dying? It’s because I do not want to die wasting my time! I realized that I had wasted a lot of my precious time on earth worrying about things that I can’t control like other people’s emotions or natural disaster even diseases. Also making myself very unproductive like mindlessly scrolling through my Instagram feed or binge-watching Netflix while abandoning your work.
After my enlightenment, I decided to live life without regrets and without any unnecessary fear (like fear of ghost or people do not like me back) because I believe that life is more valuable than your fear of public speaking. The clock is ticking, and every second you are getting older, more chances for you to die. Life is short. I’m still trying to live my life to accomplish my goals, short-term and long-term goals, force myself to less oversleep, less mindless social media checks, and yadda yadda yadda. It is no joke, it has been hard to be productive and needs time for it builds up. However, I will think that I’m gonna die soon, so before dying, I would like to be as accomplished as possible, which is to do the best things that I am best at and spending good amazing time with people around me. Life is too short for you to be angry or hate, but when you love, life feels eternal. So in the end, to answer the big question, “am I still afraid to die?” Yes because right now I’m not seeing the person that I would like to become, but if I die instantly, I am not going to be afraid because I know that I am trying to be the best version of myself every second of my life. Before ending this dark but real writing piece, there is another thing that I fear more than my fear of death, and it is regret. I believe that it is worse to have regrets other than death. The worst of all is to die with regrets! I hope to die with no regrets because having regrets means I haven’t done my best in my life or seizing the moments that I had on earth. So let us all seize every moment in life as if today is our last day on earth.