Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt
I struggle with depression, anxiety, bipolar, social anxiety, insomnia, being a chump... and while I’d like to think those things don’t play a constant role in my daily life, they definitely do.
I am very good at identifying and verbalizing how I feel; and what I feel is unwanted. It’s the worst of all the things, I think. It makes me feel crazy. I don’t understand how someone could tell me they care, but I feel like I don’t matter to them. Well, I didn’t understand. It took me a long time to come to the conclusion that maybe it’s because I care differently. Some people show you in the way they change their routine for you, to fit you in, how they consider you in the little things, or by simply taking the time to learn you. And then that logic sets in and it’s time to stop feeling unwanted and crazy, isn’t it? No. Because then your past plays through your head and reminds you of just how many people said one thing and did another and how many other people lied or strung you along for their benefit only to leave you hurt and confused after their needs were met. let me break it down.
I just moved back home from Florida a few months ago, I am living at my mom’s house. My mother favors my brother and my brother barely speaks to me. He’s stated on numerous occasions that he wants me to move back to Florida, because simply moving out isn’t getting me far enough away. I wish I knew what I did to make him think so negatively of me. My mother will talk to me and be there for me, in her own sick way... until my brother is around, then I get put on the back burner.
My best friend, my favorite friend, her and I were together for a while years ago and I think that the reality from that time where she would never fucking choose me lingers. and I would be okay with knocking off my codependent ways, but she will be very one-sided at times where behaviors seem to be okay only when she does it. and she wants me to drop what I’m doing or she makes me feel guilty, but I would never even ask her at this point because I already know her well enough to know she’s not going to fucking choose me, still. unless its an emergency, which drives the thought of being dramatic. but i don’t wand to be that person anymore.
Rebecca, God I fucking like her.. like I genuinely like her.. I haven’t crushed on anyone in a long fucking time. over a year. but it’s more than a crush. I like her. She activates things in me that I thought were dead. But she doesn’t ever want my help doing anything, and it’s not that she doesn’t want help, she doesn’t want my help. She doesn’t really answer text messages, she will do all these other things before even opening my messages. She doesn’t sit near me, she doesn’t kiss me.. and all that was fine, because I was completely uninterested in sex or any physical contact for almost 2 years until a few weeks ago when she sparked something in me when we kissed and now she’s back to being distant and I feel unwanted. She says she likes me, and this is just how she is, and I know she is like this because I see the frustration with her family that she’s close to, but I don’t feel liked. I don’t feel wanted. I don’t even feel like she can stand me. I feel hated by her sometimes, like I’m a burden. I get this feeling that she would do anything to make me go away. But does that make sense when she asks me to hangout? No. No it does not.
Today, I went for a little drive to think about all of this and for the first time in years I thought that I could die and no one would notice. I’ve had those fleeting thoughts my whole life, the ones where you’re driving and consider driving off the bridge or into a wall because it doesn’t matter anyway.. but today was different, it was the thought that people would be happier and more carefree without me, that my death would an easy out that my whole life of people desperately needed. I cried. Like a newborn, I cried. I felt a stabbing in my heart in that moment. I cured my head for making me think those things, I cured my parents for having me and handing down crazy genes, I cursed everyone that I loved and made me feel less than. I begged for it to be my period coming, I hoped that I was just in my feels. I hoped it would go away. and then it calmed down, and I got even more upset because I realized it was still there.. I still felt unwanted. I still thought how I could make my death look like an accident so that no one could say I gave up. My unwanted feeling was laying dormant, it was waiting for that awkward glance or that unsettling tone to remind me of just how unwanted I was. The fucking feeling lingered. So, I fell asleep with it. I allowed it to wash over me as I cuddled up next to my dog. because it’s not just today or these people, this is a lifetime of feeling. Unwanted is just as much a part of my character as Funny or loyal.
So it all seems crazy, like there’s inconsideration all around me, but also like the problem could be with me. So I go back in forth in my head constantly. Wanna know what would help? if you could just fucking drop the acts. If someone matters, say so and show them. It sounds repetitive to tell someone how much they matter every day, but it doesn’t have to be a speech. It could be as simple as “I choose you.” It could be a simple reminder that they hold a place in your head, heart, life. No to turn this into a PSA for #alllivesmatter, but I think that regardless of how people are comfortable conducting themselves that everyone should feel wanted and loved. If someone in your life doesn’t feel that way then get the fuck over your “idgaf” attitude thats trending and let them know they are important before the opposite clings to them like a tattoo. It would break my heart to know anyone else felt this way.
izzy806
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