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@threefortyone-blog
Predictable
Sure. You wanted to catch up. As friends . That's why I never heard from you right? Cause I said I wanted to be friends And you had other things in mind Don't even Don't even mention that you were busy I swear Don't. . Wasn't 3 years of my life enough I'm not a toy to rent and throw away as you please . I can't believe I believed you. You're such a pain..
Dirty men everywhere you turn.
Out of all the people in the world it had to be you, to burn me by stealing the girl. You may of left the table, no guilt had. You may be celebrating your win. But it's all dirty, dirty money, dirty intentions, dirty reasons, dirty dirty love. It isn't really love at all is it? It's just another relationship of use. Since I'm no hypocrite, I'm not here to judge. But I know you are smart enough to work out you did the wrong thing. And wasn't even like it was just once. You never even bothered explaining yourself What about it seemed okay? Just to be clear it seriously wasn't. And I don't even know how you could fix it even if you wanted to try Which I know you don't You got the girl, without the fee. Well played.
Yep yep yep it's totally fine!!! Deny everything Deny like 3 years Whatever you like But you're a people user. And anyway I can't remember why I loved you. Cause you turned out being A complete imagination . You're a total fake A mystery of the purpose for human existence. But it doesn't matter You broke my heart And denied you ever took it You wiped my soul And said I never had one You lied to yourself That we weren't together. Let me know where they sell rugs big enough to cover three years I could use some..
All the wrong reasons.
You got the girl. I feel like screaming it off a cliff You slammed every door in my face. You made her choose between love and friendship and she chose love. She chose you. Congratulations for making me feel small And unimportant as ever Congratulations to both of you, Now that you deserve each other.. And she doesn't even know She doesn't even care I don't love her anymore Not even as a friend.
FAIL.
Solving all the external problems Left my mind bare When it was so plain and clear With no one to blame but myself Self destruction, self sabotage followed Help me ruin myself So I can prove them right Become a burn out and blame it on myself And meet with square one again Help me ruin myself So I can make it impossible To leap class lines before my 30s Help me forget myself So I can return to harmful environment And go numb I doubt I can achieve anything in this lifetime that can ever outweigh my mistakes I guess I don't have it in me And I'm a failure.
Note to Self..
Just because it made you stronger, Doesn't make it worth it. Legitimizing trauma doesn't really help, It only brings attachment to your pain..
Haven't you wiped my soul clean? Scraping my skull, for whatever was left. I'm just an empty casing now. I was a girl with the ambition of the world. With success written on my forehead At least they said.. I'm done with pretending, praying You wrote me off. I thought I could come back from that, But how can I I don't remember how to be me.. -
Mission log: Day 78
If you're absolutely certain that the only thing that's wrong with me is the way I think and behave. Then I have to say, there is nothing wrong with me at all. I can't see anyone sane responding to such a sickly line-up of events in ANY other way. Sorry if it seems stubborn, but I won't let society think that, the way I think is wrong, cause at the end of the day it's all I have. All I have is my thoughts, and I don't think there's anything wrong with them at all.
Inch by inch It’s had me going crazy going It traps me on the bed It leaves me restless It leaves me hating my reflection.
I’m never strong enough against its waves One day, It’ll pull me under for good Maybe then I’ll be free from fear Maybe then I’ll be free from life.
Maybe that’s what I want, To be miserable. Maybe that’s why I let you slip away..
And I realized that my castles stand upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand
Viva la Vida - Coldplay
I try to be all these different people, I try to show them, they should like me. Validate myself. validate me. But mostly I dont want them to see i'm cracking i'm melting i'm begging i'm dying. I'm half dead already. If my body is for sell anyway, why should i protect since it is already soiled. If my opinion makes no sense than why talk just to be deflected. If my life is "not that bad" then maybe I shouldnt complain. Do you think I would. Can't you see it wrecked me good. But you dont know Or does nothing matter anymore Nothing at fucking all
At one point or another "fate fell short" stops cutting it as an excuse for all the people that freely walk in and out of your life. Today was that day I said "I fell short." The pattern is you, in every situation.. the way you acted, the way you responded, the way you hurt, the way you burned, the way you took forgranted, the way you screwed the whole thing up. And there's a point you can no longer believe that all this happens for the greater good.. -
The more that someone says they are not going anywhere The easier it seems for them to walk in, set off bombs and leave. You however don't notice they've left as you run around picking up the mess. By the time you call out their name the emptiness seems to stare you in the eye. As if to say "I told you so." As if to say "Haven't you learnt yet." I swear I will never let anyone in again. They can knock, squeal, scream and burn my entrance to shame. They'll just stay in that corridor. I'm too damaged to go on, I'll let alteregos replace me It's too difficult to exist, in a world with people I have no faith in I've done it, I've closed off the whole world..
You know those days where everything is awful and you can’t really do anything except lie down… you are not alone. We all have those, and they will pass. > v <
I'm worried because I used to feel more than this. I'm trapped on the bed more days than usual. I have no energy to build or continue relationships with the outside world.. You did this. You said you would never leave. You turned never into now With no warning You aren't even hurting You aren't even caving. But I know When I walk Oh, you'll be running miles to find me You'll be searching for another door. I burnt them all down. I burnt our city down in tears. I hope you are happy with your decision I hope it makes you smile To know you lost me. To know, you let me go And it wasnt the other way round..
I wonder if pretending to sleep is counted as sleeping? I wish I could take a permanent hiatus.
My brain is at a total stalemate.
I swear I used to be better than this, only I can’t say exactly when.
I think it was somewhere before the end of 2009 for real.
Sorry for being a total failure to our society..
