Love letter 010123
Dear Jun Keat,
Iāve thought about what happened, and I feel a myriad of emotions every time. Hurt, anger, confusion, disappointment, betrayal..? I kept asking myself. Why did you wait till the new year to break the news? Why didnāt you think you could work on yourself when you were in a relationship? Why didnāt you fight for us to be together? Did that mean that everything you said about our plans for the future were false? I honestly didnāt think I would react the way I did, but when you dropped the bomb, I was in a state of shock. I had absolutely not expected it. Just the day before, you introduced me in person as your girlfriend to 3 new people. We talked about going on more trips, visiting new cafes, meeting my friends. I sincerely and wholeheartedly believed we were going to be together for the longest time, the kind of relationship till death do us part.
But then I realised I was being selfish. Just like how I was so used to being alone, you were not. Somehow I was holding you back. Most people donāt have that kind of self awareness, and Iām proud of you for realising what you have. After all, true growth and healing start from within. I can only imagine the struggle you had to go through growing up without a dad, having to take care of your family, without much guidance, with so much responsibility placed upon your shoulders. You are so selfless to the point of neglecting your own emotional needs. Iāve told you before, itās okay to be a little selfish sometimes. Itās not the end of the world if you prioritise yourself. Your family, your friends, they will understand. Make them understand. If all else fails, screw them. Youāre better off without them anyway. Though from what I can tell, your mum, your brother, the gang, all seem like the kind of people who would not abandon you for any reason.
Iām so sorry you felt that you need to be alone in this journey, that I wouldnāt be able to help you heal, give you comfort and support as a lover and not a friend, or give you a safe space to be open about your feelings. Of course I donāt want to get in the way of your personal evolution. You taught me to be the bigger person. You taught me countless other things and I am so immensely grateful for that.
This past month, in all honesty I kept doubting my feelings. I had to bite my tongue many a time to prevent those 3 little words from slipping out. Was I falling too fast? Was I ready? Still, I wanted to be a hundred percent sure and not say it half-heartedly so instead I said it silently, in my heart, each time our eyes found each other, after every goodnight, slowly getting used to the fact. Till it was in fact, a fact. I didnāt expect something like this to be the final trigger, a last ditch desperate attempt. With you, I am free from ego, I have nothing to lose by being myself around you. As Iāve said before, relationships should be easy as breathing, like I felt mine was with you. So no matter how much I love you, I need to let you go.
There is however, a glimmer of hope in me, that we will find our way back together, that this separation is just temporary. And if itās truly meant to be, it will be so. Hope is a dangerous thing. It is a lifeline to cling on to, that in a way prevents one from being consumed by the eternal abyss. I hope you find it within yourself to be straight with me if there is none. So I can process it, grieve, heal, and try my best to let it go.
I wish you all the best in the journey of finding peace within yourself. Wong Jun Keat, you deserve a million things and more. I love you
