i know a lot of tgf fans joke about the painting being theo's heart but its SO SERIOUS to me.
thats the physical manifestation of all the parts of himself that he leaves chained up, wrapped in so many layers of newspaper and tape and fabric because he can't bear to have it exposed to the light. and it becomes so painfully obvious why his adult life felt so meaningless, why all the apartments he viewed with his soon-to-be-wife "smelled like divorce, bankruptcy, illness and death". because all he was looking for, in every apartment, were "potential hiding spaces" (going as far as "fantasizing about a secret, climate-controlled CLOSET, combination lock only").
and why, even though theo had said, multiple times, that no one in his life (besides HOBIE) would be able to know what it was, boris confesses he stole it by simply claiming that "he wanted it", and "anyone could see" what it was. and why boris said he will do anything and everything to get it back to theo, "for old times sake, just to have, to really be his, TO KEEP IN THE CLOSET OR GET OUT AND LOOK AT LIKE THE OLD DAYS".
and why once theo finds out that that part of himself was no longer sealed away, locked under boris' phone number combination, he realizes that "all his adult life had been privately sustained by that great, hidden, savage joy: the conviction that his whole life was balanced atop a secret that might at any moment blow it apart".
thinking about how theo set the last four digits of boris’ vegas home phone number as the code to his storage facility locker. and remembered it easily the first time he opened it again, eight years later. even though the line had been dead for eight years and he explicitly stated he would never write the code down when he chose it. yea.
I absolutely love how a really really large part of Richard’s character is like “I see nothing wrong with homoerotica, despite not wanting to engage in it with anyone. Camilla’s shoulders were very masculine, as was her jaw. Back to Henry…”
Julian's class is a cult, no getting around that—He's selective about his student because he wants to wade out the vulnerable from the resilient and questioning: And of course, Julian has a God complex (But that goes without saying, now doesn't it?) An Example—When Julian addresses Richard by ''Pepin'' It's on purpose, him testing to see if Richard would be the sort to push back or not, well he hadn't, had he? And reaching our scenes conclusion, it's back to ''Papen'' again; Julian had gotten the proof he needed.
Julian was a teacher given leniency due to his heavy donations, Hampton College was desperate for donation (As many University would be/are) So what if he was a tad odd in his practices? His reputation was undeniably accredited, and he'd hardly been doing anything illegal—And I mean, education around cults wasn't exactly booming at the time was it?
So yes, the College ignores the fact Julian shouldn't be allowed to teach, despite him 1) Purposely isolating his students 2) Accepts them based on their world views/what materials they've read, and what their own ideologies are—Along with 3) Accepting them based on their wealth and how Isolated they'd been—It's all brushed under the rug of academics.
The class is so obsessed with upholding this particular image of refinement that—they do not seem to notice that, just how they condescend everyone else around themselves, Julian had done the very same to them, the entire time.
If you listen to Donna Tartts audio books, Julian's tone of voice is even more so noticeable—He feigns astonishment and wonder to the point of a waxy quality, and within our very first greeting there it is: When he initially rejected Richard, he really is sorry that he couldn't possibly accept him into his class; It meant this young man would miss out on Julian's godly guidance, something truly extravagant—How egotistical is that? Julian comes of as flattering to whom ever he is faced with, but said flattery is used to bolster himself up each time.
You know—He was far more apologetic about Richard ''not being able to join his class'' Than he ever were about Bunny's abrupt passing.
Julian is just a bored old man who longed for his youth (-To be something it hadn't? Perhaps?) To regain the power he once had in his early adulthood. He grew up isolated himself, I think that's quite clear—He's less akin to Henry and more so Richard in this case, as he wished to flip his trauma into something bewitching threw fictionizing himself. Really he should've majored in the Dramatics considering how eager he is for excitement—That Bacchanal never would've happened without himself, and when Henry had brought it up he had the perfect opportunity to stop the situation before it started, but he didn't.
He knew it would be a sex ritual with dangerous dinking and drug use (Their young adults, going overboard is to be expected and they did didn't they.) Yet he still wanted it to happen.
Bunny's own quote sums up Julian well enough: ''Julian is like one of those people that'll pick all his favourite chocolates out of the box and leave the rest''
I found Julian particularly disgusting because he knew what power he held over these vulnerable individuals, and really considering this fandoms leniency towards ''Doing it for the Aesthetic'' It seems to me he's fooled many of us—It's why I sometimes like respond to tsh posts with ''Your parents didn't love you, did they?'' Because really, for someone to thirst for poison they must've been parched for years—Because like many abusers do, Julian made a silent promise: To feel the true terror at the face of our own thirst for beauty.
One of the things that most stuck with me is Bunny's nails having dirt under them when they find his body. Not only because the image of him desperately trying to claw at anything he could find not to fall down is very raw – but also because it means it really wasn't as immediate as I thought at first. It was fast but he absolutely did have enough time to think 'he's pushed me down I'm falling I'm going to die'. He didn't die painlessly on the spot but rolled all the way down the ravine bumping into rocks, bushes and everything else fully aware of what was happening and doing everything he could to stop it, and then eventually hit the ground.
when i say i’m just like richard papen i mean it because i too would tell a story where i’m an innocent saint and leave the part where i was a manipulative murderer
Re-reading books is great and good until it’s The Secret History by Donna Tartt and you realize that within Julian’s first lecture we are witness to he speaks of Tiberius, a flawed Emperor held in disdain by his people, partially on the account he followed Augustus- a savior, a god. He spent his life striving to life up to his predecessors name and when he couldn’t, he indulged his perversions in an effort to feel something, but ultimately “died, old and mad, lost in the pleasure gardens of Capri: not even happy there, as one might hope, but miserable.”
Re-reading books is great and good until it’s The Secret History by Donna Tartt and you realize that just like Tiberius tried to follow in Augustus’s footsteps, Henry tried to follow in Julian’s. You see Richard’s focus shift from Julian- who was at first a savior, a god- to Henry, a flawed student of his who, at his end, is held in disdain by the majority of his closest friends and is lost in the indulgence of his own perversions- his attempts (and, arguable, success) to finally live without thinking.
Re-reading books is great and good until it’s The Secret History by Donna Tartt and you get to the part where Richard asks Henry in his dream, “are you happy here?” And Henry responds, “Not particularly” and you realize that Henry, like Tiberius, had never known peace or happiness in life and certainly not in death and you were warned about it in Julian’s first lecture.
It's mildly sunny in England today, so of course I'm having an 'acutely, achingly conscious that I was alive and young on a beautiful day' Richard moment
not quite an unpopular opinion, but what do you think why didn't theo write a suicide note for boris in amsterdam when he wrote one for everyone else in his life? also, I feel like people don't acknowledge enough that the quote: "we don’t get to choose our own hearts" very much also refers to boris among other things. I think it was made very clear that boris represents chaos that theo is undeniablly attracted to so he gets obsessed with pippa who he percieves to be the opposite of that - which is why he associates her with his mother. anyway, just my opinion. xx
tw/ s attempt, s letter
trying to put myself in his place, i believe theo didn't write to boris bc a) he didn't know how to and b) he knew he didn't have to. allow me to elaborate
as you pointed out, boris represented a whole side of theo's life and personality.
there's a reason theo showed the painting to boris and boris only, and that's because he knew it was the only person in his life who would get him. boris would never judge or snitch him on that. he would understand theo's urge to have the painting to the point of having that same urge himself (which led him to stealing it too).
my point is, boris gets him, and theo knows (or at least feels) that.
second part is that theo fucking sucks at expressing his feelings clearly (without hiding what he really means) due to his discomfort with opening up. him and boris lived and did more (meaningful) stuff together than anyone else in theo's life, and he probably could not think of anything he wanted to say that he could put into words and that boris didn't already know.
in fact, when theo comes back to the hotel to do it and finds boris there, they have this cute little dialogue about the reward money that shows exactly what i mean:
of course he knows what u mean he knows your heart better than anyone he had it longer than anyone else you feel me
so yea those are my quick thoughts on that hope it was good enough for u anon :]
(also i really like the "we don’t get to choose our own hearts" line, so yes let's all talk about it more. and if i might add, let's all sit with "and that's why i've chosen to write these pages as i've written them. for only by stepping into the middle zone, the polychrome edge between truth and untruth, is it tolerable to be here and writing this at all" one more time because ?????? we know you lied and tried to omit and/or diminish very important things but SIR ??!?!?!
anyway loved your thoughts on the connection between pippa and boris as opposite representations in his life ty for sharing and for the ask <33)
I SEE YOU'RE SOMEONE OF TASTE !!!!!!!!!! THIS IS NOT AN UNPOPULAR OPINION THIS IS A FACT. EVERY TONGUE THAT RISES AGAINST HOBIE SHALL FALL. HOBIE APPRECIATORS WE DEPART AT DAWN.
(((but fr yes i love him so much my dear old furniture-obsessed homosexual PATIENT fatherly figure he's the best and theo was not special for having him as the only stable adult in his life bc SO DO I)))
OH! and boris would totally be obsessed with breaking bad, prison break, money heist or some show like that. these are canons and not unpopular opinions but okay :)
this is so cute :((( i could also def see him not paying for a single streaming service and getting everything pirated and whoever watches things with him is like boris pLEASE this is 240p resolution and with subtitles from a language we don't know i literally PAY NETFLIX let me pull it up but he doesn't want to give more money to big corporations when he can get it for free <33
but so true omg and he would go on long ass rants about how dangerous it is and how he could d-word and boris would chase him around holding a single peanut while theo tries not to show how actually terrified he is
potentially unpopular opinion! theo was intentionally written as gay and it’s actually a really key piece of info to understanding everything about his character, particularly trauma symptoms. but also i don’t think the “which was of course i love you” line should be read romantically. would even argue it’s less powerful if it’s read romantically
hi anon! thank you for sending this in!! this was longer than i expected so i’m sorry lmao hope you don’t mind ^^
i 100% agree that theo’s “ambiguous” sexuality was absolutely intentional and a key point to his character. i believe he’s one of those characters that it’s purposefully written in a way that makes queer readers have a more in-depth perception of them, since we can catch some subtext that can so easily be ignored or overlooked by non-lgbt+ folks and changes basically all of his motivations and little remarks - much like how fitzgerald queer coded nick carraway in the great gatsby as a way to speak on his morals and unreliability!
taking into account that later on we find out that all of the book was actually theo portraying the events that happened to himself to a hypothetical reader, it only re-enforces that he isn’t straight, since now it’s not “donna tartt” that is “hiding” these elements from the reader, but theo himself. everything that was skipped, metaphorical, glossed over or exaggerated was because theo wanted it to be told that way. and why would anyone put years of effort into making sure this hypothetical reader (that they don’t even know exists) knows about how “straight” they are and how they are Most Definitely not gay if not because they’re just lying and trying to convince not only the reader but themselves?
if he was not attracted to men and struggling internally about that important piece of his identity, he wouldn't feel the need to shove his idealizations of women down our throats and actively try to deceive us into not realizing stuff like the fact that he had a sexual relationship with another boy.
why would anyone in their right minds make sure everyone understood they STOLE A GIRLS HAIR FROM THE TRASH because he apparently loved her so much, but try to refute every single stereotype of gay people or SPEED THROUGH CRUCIAL INFORMATION in the hopes that the reader didn’t catch that because “it could be gay”, if not someone that fears being exposed and it’s terrified about the idea of having even more instability in their life?
now about the infamous line djsidjsid
i believe it can be read as both romantic and just a self-discovering thing, and both would be important for his character development (or lack thereof lol). we know that the theo that thought those words - a literal “i love you” when sharing an intimate moment with another male, be it romantic or not - was also the theo that hated the fact that his dog could make him “look feminine” and wouldn’t say that he would miss doormen he saw every single day and liked because that “would be gay”, and that’s huge. just think about all of the little (AND COMPLETELY NORMAL) things that he did but made SURE to specify that they didn’t make him gay, and how he still didn’t censor himself about that one night.
speaking personally, i am an out and proud 20-year-old lesbian that fought tooth and nail for my dad to understand that i exclusively like women and i STILL catch myself sometimes thinking about if i could ever be with a man if “i liked him enough” or if he was “different”, whatever the fuck that is. the point is, being queer is something that comes naturally but at the same time is questioned by our own brains due to the heteronormativity we didn’t even realize we had. my subconscious probably thinks i should end up with a guy because that’s what i was taught (ffs i had a TOY DISHWASHER when i was kid).
and for gay men, the same applies but with the prospect that being gay is emasculating, which is omg so terrible !!!! /j
so, even though he did not show great signs of acceptance or even questioning himself, i think it’s safe to say it was always (ALWAYS) in his mind, and that that single phrase - romantic or not! - was there because it was a moment so strong and meaningful to his life that he couldn’t bring himself to lie like he did for all of the other ones. it prevailed over his internalized homophobia and heteronormative brain (even if it was for a split second), and to me that’s powerful enough.
okay that’s what i think about that haha great ask !! thank you !! <33
