2/16/24
wow tumblr. reading all this old stuff makes me cringe. me in my 20s was riddled with insecurities but also a lot of "i'm not like other girls" vibes. but i do see someone who really wanted to be loved under all of that. i was sure id be single for life, but i've been in a relationship for over 9 years now. you really think you are sure of shit in your 20s. but in your 30s your realize you dont know anything and, you along with everyone else, are just going through life one day at a time hoping for the best.
im one year sober (from everything!) tomorrow. i got help and got my shit together and im happy about it but also realize anything can happen and i dont know what the future will bring me. just again, hoping i continue to make the healthier choices, and if i dont i remember quickly what it feels like to be in the dark and remember the tools i acquired to get back out of that funk.
in recovery they say you recover your inner child, or your true self. i feel that. i feel more like myself in high school, before i drank or used. i truly am an introvert. i like being alone and doing things alone, but i also realize the value of connection. its important to have relationships with other people. i am learning to be comfortable with being uncomfortable and to socialize without the substances. it drains my social battery pretty quickly but i also accepted that this is okay, and its okay to leave the party as early as i need instead of forcing myself to sit through something that clearly isnt for me anymore.
i bake! for someone who wasnt a big fan of sweets, i've taken to baking pretty quickly. im also pretty good at it. who would have thought?
im also into yoga. i thought it was just stretching and boring but its so much more and i have barely scratched the surface of it.
i have been reading again but right now its mostly of the nonfiction variety. my book collection is increasing though which is nice.
i exercise a lot. i jog, walk, do strengthening videos, and the yoga as mentioned. i also eat healthy ish. i dont deprive myself but i do loosely calorie count and dont binge like i used to, but i still love food. i just learned to have a healthier relationship with food. i still dont eat meat but will try it if it looks good.
im still emotionally stunted but im trying to unlearn unhealthy behaviors and thought processes. i have a long way to go and know all this is pretty much a lifelong deal, i just hope again that things go as smoothly as they can with what i'm given at the time.
i still dont have children and still dont want any. i am not married and have no interest in it. but i have my long term partner and things are content. im okay with that in life today.
im 35 now and things arent perfect and they never will be. i cried in the dark yesterday because my anxiety and depression has been so bad, but i also remembered that none of it is permanent. my feelings will pass, and luckily i have healthy habits in place that keep me on track. vulnerability is still hard for me but im learning that its okay to not be okay, but also that its okay to be okay.
