Today, at 277 lbs (5ā²11), Iāve decided to stop dieting.
I have been on a diet in one form or another since I was a child, including one severe bout with an eating disorder, throughout which I lost 100 lbs.
After losing all of that weight, I swung in the other direction and gained almost all of it back as a result of binge eating after depriving myself for so long.
I feel like being on a diet has become a familiar, hurtful, and enabling friend. I am constantly walking the line between trying to do whatās healthy for me, while not falling back into the hole of not eating, purging, and hating myself. I know that I need to lose weight, but I am now going to do it on my own terms.
I was previously yo-yo dieting by not eating carbs, and then when I had a run of feeling okay about myself, I would begin eating carbs again and immediately gain the weight back. I constantly felt like I was depriving myself, and the second I let myself eat something that I enjoyed, even if it was an extremely healthy food, I wanted to die. I hated myself, I was a failure.
So, Iām done. Iāve decided to cut meat out of my diet, and while that sounds like a diet plan, to me it isnāt. I was vegan for a year and a half, and felt better than I ever did in my life. So, thatās just a personal choice that Iām making. I know weight loss will not come with this diet unless I actively work out and give my body what it needs.
I plan to live mindfully. I will eat only as much as my body needs. I will stay active to keep my heart and bones healthy. I will allow myself to enjoy living, again. I will continue to post my thoughts on body positivity, whether Iām feeling good about myself that day or not. And I know this is going to be a struggle for me. But Iām ready to begin living. Iām ready to let go of the wordsĀ āI canāt, Iām on a diet.ā And Iām ready to stop apologizing.
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