[6:23 PM, 5/16/2026] ⋆. ݁ ˖𓂃.☘︎ ݁˖: Everyone tries to be as tough as they can. As open-minded, as mature, as delusional and most importantly- as "does it look like i care?" as they can. But i'll be honest. I know the unknown freaks them out. As it freaks me out, and probably freaks you out too. I don't think any of us take well to the unknown, just as we don't take well to change, farless rapid change you know, the kind that's like a huge gust of wind that transforms into a nasty tornado, that flips your house on its head and yeets it onto someone's sister… Yeah that kind. It's so freaky and unknown. Or, you know what? Maybe it doesn't freak them out. I don't know. I can't talk for everybody. But I can talk for myself. The unknown gives me the creeps. I spend so many nights tortured, and restless thinking about what i don't know, what i don't see, what i don't hear or experience, or taste, or do, or wear— really as long as i don't know about it, i'm thinking about it. Always trying to conceptualize, and bring to light, trying to imagine, and define the unknown. I hate the unknown. I hate not knowing. And a big part of our walks with God is to NOT KNOW, but to TRUST… BLINDLY. Isn't that crazy? Like if I was at church right now, i'd probably get the NASTIEST side eyes, and the most FLABBERGASTED gasps to have ever echoed in the earth's atmosphere for saying, "Y'all I love God just as much as anyone but trusting him with the unknown farless mine? Yeah no."
I mean hear me out, our walks call for: no doubt, no worry, no questioning, no anxiety, no stressing, no freaking out. Just all HOPE, LOVE, TRUST, FAITH, PATIENCE, PEACE, DEEP BREATHES etc. And i'll be honest, again, as a gemini, i find myself tastefully balancing both when my calling requires me to kill the old girl and become the new girl Jesus loved and gave himself for. To be new, and completely born again. As innocent, as trusting and as gulliable as a baby trusting that her parents love her, and are putting her on game. (the game in question would be in reference to the story of me, walking for the first time, towards my dad for a baked chicken leg.) But a girl can't lie, that's a haaaaaaaaaaaaaard ask. Especially from someone with the anxiety, especially from someone with the terrible, gaslighting ass anxiety. You get me right?(Damn! it's like so unfair we gotta suffer like this. as island girls no less. hmph!) This entire thing requires TRUSTING the UNKNOWN. Better yet, trusting GOD with MY UNKNOWN, YOUR UNKNOWN, OUR UNKNOWN. EVERYTHING SO! And i hate? No i don't hate it, but terribly suspicious? Hell yeah.
I could take up so much time talking about this 'how bad not knowing beats me up, in fact call me jacob the way the angel of the unknown be whooping my hipbone outta place' foreverrrrrr. It's like, not a fav topic but i do think of it a bit too much. Like we get it. The unknown, aka not knowing every single thing about ourselves and our futures is freaky.Trusting God with it all on top of that is incredibly hard. Yeah. Cool. But you know what's a real kicker though? What's something that also thrives on being unknown, and isn't really itself if known? A SURPRISE GIRL! And I. Love. Love. Looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove.Surprises. Yes, they make me cry every. single. time. But i love them so much! And you know who's my favorite surprise of all time? You. Our friendship. I know you said last time you were the mastermind behind it but… I don't know girl… I mean look at this, look at us, despite EVERYTHING- we're like too legendary to be man-made. And i don't think any of us saw it coming. Just like how nessa-rose didn't see that house coming… no shade to my girl of course. I remember that evening when i got this message saying "hi, so my friend wants to talk to you" so vividly. I don't think my heart as ever, EVER dropped into my pum pum so fast, in fact i don't think it ever did it again either.
Maybe it did but not like this evening in question. When i tell you i started sweated spiritual bullets, girllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll i was drenched in sweat down to my knees, in spirit of course. It was the kind of fear that if i wasn't as composed, and allowed the devastation to physically manifest itself, at that time… maybe my parents would've assumed someone died… perhaps someone i was into at that time- you know who will not be named 'cause EEYUCK. Anywho, girl i was… a girl was flabbergasted. I can't paint a perfect picture of how every stage of grief swirled and twirled into eiffel tower sized cocktail in my mind, or how if we as human beings could change colors like chameleons- i would've been flashing all the neon reds, and greens, and blues. Honestly. All i know is from then to now, you as a concept, as a person, as a friend, man even as a little sister i've always wanted- You were unknown to me. And if anyone would've told me, so yeah you're gonna meet this girl, and y'all gonna be LOCKED IN, and y'all gonna meet like this and it'll be so crazy you'd shit yourself if you had eaten anything earlier, and on top of this- y'all will be so locked in, y'all could basically go through the 12 labours of hercules TRIPPLED and still come out in one piece— girl… i would brek out in the most HORRIBLE cackle ever. 'Cause at that time, i was quite comfy with who i knew and who i let go of. But you? Selina there's no words.
And you know what i crossed my mind while doing this? Like do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you knew it all, and curated it down to the last letter? I really haven't given mine much thought but i do know, it would be amazing. Glamorous even. I'd probably run all the social medias in a big IT girl fashion. Every single post and story, and whatever else society eats up from these IT girls, i'd be on it and running things. I would make everyone like me. I do everything i wanna do, and be basically involved in everything- like if you thought barbie was bad and everywhere, you wouldn't be ready for me……. I was thinking… Yeah i'd be one of THOSE girls. But you? You wouldn't be anywhere… Not an easter egg, or a mention, or a random blurry person in every fuzzy, deep left corner of my day in the life post.Maybe we'd be listening to same song miles, and miles apart, maybe we'd save the same pin to our pinterest boards at the same time, or maybe we'd go to the same café but i left like 5 minutes earlier with my iced salted caramel latte, while you wait for your strawberry peach iced tea. Yeah we'd co-exist.. but meet? I'm not sure. And the thought makes me sad. Imagining an alternate universe where i watch sinners for the first time alone, or watch sinners again with no one on the other side asleep for half the damn movie. Or.. you know there's other things but that night meant the world to me. Hmmm, all this imagining a universe without you around is making me sad. Just like imagining a world without pookie. I'm not sure how my life would like without you two. Maybe i wouldn't have a life at all.
Even right now, as i'm trying to do my best to wrap this up before 11. This entire project came from a place of the unknown. Lemme insert a live note i made some time back, after starting up the draft for this letter ??.
< [9:31 PM, 5/11/2026] ⋆. ݁ ˖𓂃.☘︎ ݁˖: i feel this will make me cry so this is good for now.
and it's funny how this came to me, i thought saying or making something for your birthday would be such a waste of time, cus i hardly know you right now. you know, i'm starting to think the eggs of my brain are more than scrambled but i genuinely thought man… i don't even know her right now, i don't know what her life looks like, what she's like, what's happened, what's changed, i barely know anything what can i possibly make without feeling like some out of touch, misinformed, making up details as i go to feel less alone, fly on the wall? Selina is so unknown to me right now. And then like clockwork, the holy spirit whispers in my ear, i get a gust of wind and some pearlescent sparkles twinkling over my eyes like pixie dust, then i become overwhelmed to the point of tears, as it comes to me how unknown our friendship was, the way it started and is going, then i think what am i gonna call this though? i didn't even glance at "the halo bearing friend study"— that gives a short film + editoral shoot anyways, then i hear God Bless The Unknown. and i get so far, then i pause so i don't feel the emotion again. then the color of love by billy ocean just came on, so i'll start your playlist too. >
Yeah I didn't think this was gonna happen at all. Like i told you before i think something is up with my brain. I don't know a break in communication could completely reset everything i feel and know about someone. Even here i don' think i percive you the right way, maybe it's all made up? Anyways i'm getting out of this ditch it's taking me away from my point. Basically, i thank God for you all the time. I thank God that i don't know everything and don't get to run my life into the ground as i would like, i mean yeah it's not a point where i love, love it but i have so much to be grateful for, 'cause i know if i had to slighly change anything how would i know you, or pooks would be here? Like the butterfly effect, if i didn't return to wattpad and followed back this account, and started reading and supporting 'cause it was so small but the writing was so good, if i didn't answer their replies or… again this thinking makes me sad but you get me? If i had gotten to change anything at all we wouldn't be here, and thank God. Honestly.
I bless God for you. I love you way more than words of the english dictionary could express, for now this is the best i could do. I hope you had a good birthday, and i hope you get to see so many more, maybe at your next birthday we could cook up a storm in the same kitchen. That would be so fun ngl. And i actually had a bomb ending for this but it was too sentimental and now i've forgotten. I think i wanted to say God bless the unknown but specifically your unknown. I know vaguely how things are right now, and i pray you overcome it. That everything you wanna know and are worried about right now will work out WAY better than you imagined and hoped it to be. I really have more to say but i'll stop here, i think if i push past this i'll start crying. I can only hope what i don't say here, you'd see and hear it elsewhere, or eventually. (can you imagine the tears just set up to start falling) But thank God i got out way more than i expected to in the first place. Happy birthday pookie! I love you so much! Mwah, Mwah, Mwah and 18 more Mwahs behind those 3.
With love, glitter and tears,
your biggest fan,
Leslie-k 𑣲⋆
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